What have you accomplished?

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BettyGray

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2016, 11:54:38 AM »
This post made me realize how long I had been "ashamed" to be proud of myself. In my home, it was "bragging" and making "others feel bad." In reality I know it was them keeping me in my place. Any accomplishments I had beyond  anyone in my FOO was threatening and squelched.

I learned to be modest and humble - not a bad virtue to have - but I think it came at the cost of my self esteem. My accomplishments were not a big deal and bragging about them just "turned people off." Aaaggghhh.

Even writing my earlier post in this thread was a bit uncomfortable. Tooting your own horn wasn't really allowed in my family (unless it was mom or dad, and then it was a major thing). Of course they would gladly praise me to others if it made them look good, but I was discouraged doing it for myself. Very confusing.

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ten minutes

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #21 on: September 19, 2016, 12:54:38 PM »
Talking about myself feels strange because Ndad never encouraged me to do anything, unless it benefited him.  But here are some things that I'm particularly proud of:

Finished a BS in STEM, despite barely finishing HS and having teachers/guidance counselors tell me to just drop out.  (I realize now that they never once investigated my home life, so shame on them!)

Rode my bike from Los Angeles to San Diego in a single day.  Also rode a century in Death Valley, CA and half a dozen assorted century rides.

Secured a job at a very prestigious research university, and I'm about to start writing my first scientific publication.

I'm slowly becoming an expert in a very niche field of research.


I feel such a sense of badassery knowing that when I'm campus, most of the people there got to that point because their parents did EVERYTHING they could to ensure that they were successful.  I NEVER had that.  In fact, quite the opposite.  I have been told my entire life to just give up because I don't have what it takes.  Feels good to be the Dark Horse who can confidently smile and extend two middle fingers to all the haters.  I look forward to what I can accomplish in the future after even more healing. 



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SPinSC

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2016, 06:34:06 PM »
Love this thread! You all ARE such amazing human beings!  I see seriously smart, funny, healthy, loving, kind, generous and ambitious people! My little list is added to give the others who have read but not posted some hope - not all of us are superstars, but we ALL deserve to be proud of our accomplishments.

*** Chosen in 8th grade to be in HS marching band. Given BIG responsibilities and did GREAT! That marching band was invited to the Macy's Day Parade the following Thanksgiving. I was not able to attend because the divorce was final and my mother had moved to another city afterward. The band director said that if I could get to the town in time - and get my parent's permission, I could go to NYC - but they were unwilling/unable to pay.

*** Chosen in 11th grade to attend DC as part of a Close-up government program. Was one of 50 students representing our state. Teacher that nominated me also got me a scholarship so parents didn't have to pay. He chose me because of my ability to debate, my understanding of politics and my open-mindedness. Came home with some knowledge of sign language also - of the 100 students on that trip, half were hearing impaired or deaf.

*** Made a decision at age 28 to change my life and it's path. Began cleaning up credit (which had been dismal). Found out the requirements to buy a home. Researched homes, prices, prequalified for a mortgage and bought my own home. I moved in officially on my 31st birthday.

*** Became a literacy coach. Coached only one, but he did it- he learned not only how to read as a basic skill, but how to grow his skill until he was sincerely literate! All before his 3 year old started kindergarten! He read his son a book for bedtime within 4 months of beginning the program! HE did the work, but I list it in MY accomplishments because everyone acted like what I was doing had NO value. Tell that to the three year old, or his dad, or the boys mother!

*** Convinced employers to take a chance on me, despite no college degree and a bad history with employment. Proved myself within 90 days and turned my chaotic young adult years into a resume to be proud of. From 20 to 30 I held over 15 jobs and lived at 12 addresses. From 30 to almost 50, I've lived in two homes and held two jobs.  I'm NOT afraid of hard work.

*** Helped raise my stepkids. Convinced both in the power of an education - and their ability to achieve that degree. Both have the degrees they sought. One is working, the other is getting doubtful - we haven't seen her in a while and she's losing faith in herself. It's time for loving stepmom to intervene!

*** Have taught my DS8 to value honesty and integrity. To the point of calling me on it if I fail him. I have successfully taught my son that integrity is doing the right thing the first time, even if nobody is looking. I also taught him that apologizing is far less work or embarrassing as mending a reputation.

I'd love to brag on my mother, my stepdaughter and my stepson. All do deserve it and all had their accomplishments made to feel as nothing by at least someone in their lives. All three of them!

I keep trying to add things, but feel stupid about them and delete them before posting. So, I'm going to end this here.
I choose this day to rise up and be my best self, not succumbing to that which I sense is inside me, trying to drag me down.

Love is an action verb. You will know if it is genuine by the actions that support it, not by the frequency of the spoken words.

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Artsy

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2016, 10:23:55 PM »
Liz wrote: "my home, it was "bragging" and making "others feel bad." In reality I know it was them keeping me in my place."

Me too! I remember my family having this very obvious narcissistic strut. I was always so confused why it was "sin" when I did it. I'm so glad this website has made us all think about how we've been trained not to enjoy things we are proud of.

Ten Minutes: That IS Badass! You deserve all the praise you've earned. I totally relate to what you posted about your family. Do it anyway, right? Really impressive accomplishments. Wow!

SPinSC wrote: "Convinced both in the power of an education - and their ability to achieve that degree. Both have the degrees they sought."

That's huge -- ! Being an inspiration to others is a huge accomplishment as are all the other things you listed.

How sad that PD families miss the blessing of celebrating with others their successes.

I really hope people know it isn't the technical accomplishments. It's the obstacles. To me it's more important if you did "it, and "it" was ignored. Even it that was being really really really proud of getting an A in homeroom :)

Whether it's being a good parent, standing up to abuse, facing our own dysfunctions, becoming rocket scientists, the bottom line is that we did it without the loving support of a healthy family. Many of the accomplishments on this thread happened against the odds. Having No Contact with the people who predicted my failure and demise is helping me pat myself on the back. I still falter though, especially when other people praise me, deflecting it to "everyone" or changing the subject. I have one coworker who stops me when I do that and makes me admit the praiseworthy thing. It's hard, I know.

I hope this thread goes on forever and those who have already posted will come back with new "brags." Who among us wouldn't celebrate one of our children for winning a race, getting a good grade, or being a good friend? To me "bragging" is something people do to take the shine off of someone else's accomplishment, something that is wrong because it is intended to point out other's failings. None of that is going on here. We have crawled to the microphone and apologizingly said, "I did it~!" What's more - your accomplishments can give other people hope too, so don't hide them.

Nothing wrong with a pat on the back! You are all inspiring.
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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snoflinga

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2016, 10:57:42 PM »
Artsy you are so upbuilding and encouraging. This thread is a great example of what a kind, gifted, nurturing person you are! I think you should be very proud of that!

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SPinSC

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #25 on: September 20, 2016, 10:27:05 AM »
Artsy you are so upbuilding and encouraging. This thread is a great example of what a kind, gifted, nurturing person you are! I think you should be very proud of that!

 :yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:
I choose this day to rise up and be my best self, not succumbing to that which I sense is inside me, trying to drag me down.

Love is an action verb. You will know if it is genuine by the actions that support it, not by the frequency of the spoken words.

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Artsy

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #26 on: September 20, 2016, 11:22:22 AM »
Thank you (she sheepishly said). This has been fun  :cheer:
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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Amelia3

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2016, 01:39:49 PM »
It has hasn't it?  Unused to thinking that anything I've done in my life is noteworthy.  The critical voice tells me that I'm nothing much and lately I beg to differ :upsidedown:

Think that it's exactly as a result of going out into the world on my own, without 'backup' that I was able to function. Knowing that I had only myself that I could rely on, made me independent and responsible. 

It hasn't exactly worked out as well for the rest of my siblings, dysfunction has a long reach.

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Lillith65

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #28 on: September 22, 2016, 12:51:48 PM »
What a great thread!
In no particular order: became qualified and successful in several different professions. Have a responsible, satisfying and well paid job that makes a contribution to society. Got a degree and post graduate qualifications. I have been financially responsible all of my life. Have some long term friends. Recovered from several major mental breakdowns, including an admission into hospital. Survived three suicide attempts including one that almost killed me. Write poetry, short stories and novels. Have some nice drawings. Speak three languages. Have a regular yoga practice and have taught yoga. Lived in another country. Adjusted to a major life threatening, chronic illness. Raised a beautiful, sensitive, clever son.  :)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - anonymous.

Part of my story: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54885.msg488293#msg488293
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54892.msg488385#msg488385

NC uPDM; NC uBPDSis

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Artsy

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2016, 01:07:48 AM »
Lilith,

What an amazing life, and huge obstacles you've over come! Amazing job with recovery which is the biggest thing you listed as far as I'm concerned (but three languages, wow!)

Thanks for posting. You deserve recognition. :thumbup:
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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Sealioness

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #30 on: September 24, 2016, 02:27:36 AM »
Not much. Got kicked out of grad school for depression, fired from the career for taking FMLA to care for two dying parents. Had a kid, but just one, so I'm not really a parent (I hear this all the time). As one blogger put it to me"Congrats on bringing 80 years of misery into the world." My only current achievement is borderline alcoholic.

Oh, we adopted a new cat from a shelter. Um, yay?

But, this will end. Someday. Right? Or do I get to go to heaven so my parents can resume the torment for all eternity?

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2016, 03:42:23 PM »
Your post made me sad, sealioness. Why are we so hard on ourselves?? :-[

 Here is something to think about. People that have achieved great things-whether recognized by others or recognized only by themselves-can't define themselves by those accomplishments forever. They need to keep accepting new challenges (even if those challenges would not be considered challenging by others) and striving to be the person they want to make themselves. Achievers who are content to look back on their pasts and declare themselves permanently interesting and important people are the kinds of people we all are trying to avoid, you know?

Likewise, people who fail to see the achievements in their lives and define themselves by their PERCEIVED shortcomings and disappointments can also be stalled in their lives. One group is stalled by self-satisfaction and success, and one group is stalled by self-loathing and hopelessness. Either way, the need for both groups is the same. Don't let your past define you and hold you back from what you can achieve TODAY.  :bighug:

PS I wanted to edit this to add that the things you listed could all be turned around and seen by you as accomplishments. This is how I see your list:
--College graduate despite unsupportive FOO
--Took care of not one but two dying parents, at great personal and career cost
--Mom to one and only treasured child
--Fighting alcoholism 
--Working on problems instead of pretending to be perfect

 
« Last Edit: September 24, 2016, 04:19:48 PM by Menopause Barbie »

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Amelia3

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2016, 04:51:22 PM »
Not much. Got kicked out of grad school for depression, fired from the career for taking FMLA to care for two dying parents. Had a kid, but just one, so I'm not really a parent (I hear this all the time). As one blogger put it to me"Congrats on bringing 80 years of misery into the world." My only current achievement is borderline alcoholic.

Oh, we adopted a new cat from a shelter. Um, yay?

But, this will end. Someday. Right? Or do I get to go to heaven so my parents can resume the torment for all eternity?

You underestimate yourself, what you've listed are not small tasks. Looking at them in hindsight might give you a better understanding of what you've accomplished.  Graduate school?  Making it that far?  More than eighty something percent of undergraduate degrees in canada are as far as most people go at college and university. Not a small feat. 

Taking care of elderly parents?  Many children put their parents in retirement homes. That's a gargantuan task, which I tried with my mother, who was continually screaming and shouting in the later stages of dementia.  Getting her to take a bath, was something that took two days of carefully thought out maneuvers. Getting through all of that, is a true attainment. Even though it wasn't easy, you should be very proud that you followed through and did it.   

There is a tendency for people to downplay the really hard stuff, like raising children, taking care of elderly parents. Those are the big ones, because they don't make you a billionaire.  Value is in the eye of the beholder.

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Artsy

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2016, 02:37:04 AM »
I couldn't agree more MB and Amelia. Caregiver to two dieing parents is what got me, Sealioness. Amazing, truly, and unlike other achievements - thankless. I'd say that's anything but "not much."
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.

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Dusty55

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2016, 03:50:12 AM »
I was fairly accomplished before coming OOTF, but you wouldn't know it by any of the gossip they spread about me.

High paying, high security job, after being a stay at home-homeschooling mom for years.  All it meant to my female birth giver was that she could call and leave hateful messages demanding something from me.. new phone or whatever...because I "made so much money". Ughhh.

After coming OOTF and going NC, I started a small business that's doing quite well.

But I think the main accomplishment in my case, is that I simply survived childhood without being malnurished or sickly and underdeveloped.  Although I still struggle at putting on weight, and need to gain 10 or 15 pounds.  But I'm here. Not quitting. Still alive and well, other than some underlying anger about being cheated out of any semblance of a normal childhood or adulthood even.

It is what it is. They will never change. So it's up to me.

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Artsy

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Re: What have you accomplished?
« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2016, 01:23:14 PM »
But I'm here. Not quitting. Still alive and well, other than some underlying anger about being cheated out of any semblance of a normal childhood or adulthood even.

You should be proud of what you survived and accomplished. You articulated exactly what I was getting at with this thread. In PD families our success is resented, as if it's our "place" to fail and serve. It sounds like you were being punished for "making too much money." It's so awful when you survive abuse and make a place for yourself in the world against the odds and you are treated like you've done something wrong.

My older siblings did this to me. They kept meeting any success I had, even just personal spiritual growth, with this unexplainable anger, as though I had betrayed them somehow. Like I had no right to success (whatever that was). It was like I was stealing something from them, by just surviving and finding my own way in the world.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm going to list your accomplishments again without mention of the family that tried to tarnish the shine:

-Being accomplished while still living in an invalidating  and abusive environment
-High paying, high security job, still, after being out of the job market long enough to stay home and homeschool (years.) 
-Going NC with bad actors in FOO
-Started a small business that's still doing quite well.
-surviving childhood
-Being here. Not quitting. Still alive and well, despite having no semblance of a normal childhood

 :yeahthat:
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams.