Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .

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ItHitMeLikeaBrick

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Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« on: September 18, 2016, 04:07:04 PM »
A few weeks ago I posted about how my N sis alienated me from her and others by claiming ,  without any basis  , that I hated her . This has been going on ever since our Alcoholic Malignant Narc  Mother passed away in November of '14 . It has caused a great deal of stress and anxiety to me leading to loss of sleep and constantly wondering what would lead her to believe that I hated her  :stars: :stars:

The other day , as I sat wondering yet again what  I ever did to her to deserve such rotten treatment , I had a thought  , " Why am I trying to figure out her insanity " ?  Instead why don't I put the onus back on her , so I did . My Birthday was last Saturday and she emailed me for the first time in many months . The missive contained two words , Happy Birthday .  Halfhearted at best .

My reply was as follows :
                  Dear N ,
                           Thanks , but what I really want from you is to tell me what I said or did to cause you to think that I hated you . Either that or a sincere apology for the malicious lies you have been spreading about me . In the absence of either of those two outcomes , I ask that you refrain from any contact with me whatsoever .
                                                             Your call ,  S

Needless to say , I have not heard a word from her since . This may not have been the best way to handle this but , I have to say , I feel less burdened by the situation than before . I feel that by giving her a chance to set things right , which she did not take , that I no longer feel bound by any sense of Family obligation . If she wants to tell lies but not give any chance of resolution , then I truly DON'T want that person in my life , it is so unfair .

Just wondering what the wise and compassionate people here think , was I too rough . By going NC with her , am I playing into the role of ' hater ' .
Like I said earlier , I'm OK with it , in fact I feel it was a fog lifting moment for me .

"I'm not confused at what I think because I'm coming from the place where I can't unsee what I have seen" . Gary

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2016, 07:09:38 PM »
I loved your email and am cheering you on from afar :heythere: ! My sister also put me in the bad guy role. You're already there. Your email does nothing to reinforce her opinion of you, any more than your silence, a politely worded thank you email, or a mariachi band sent to her front lawn would. She already put you in the hater role. You won't gain absolution unless you bow down and play her game by her rules, which may change--unannounced--at any time. Might as well do what feels right for you since nothing you say or do will ever feel right for her. Yay you! :applause:

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overitall

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2016, 08:45:59 PM »
I think you handled it fine---you drew a line in the sand and that is it---the ball is in her court if she wants any interaction with you....I stupidly allowed my sis back into my world about four years ago and very, very slowly she is beginning to show some BPD traits (like my Mom)  I didn't speak or have contact with her for 5 years, so she has been very careful.....this weekend, though, she started some very BPD behavior and I think I may have to go NC again.
The best thing for you is to remember that you have to feel safe, secure, and stable....if any relationship doesn't provide you with these three things, you probably don't need it :sadno:

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Candywarhol

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2016, 09:06:36 PM »
Well done, ItHitMeLikeABrick!
You're looking for "wise and compassionate"? Your email sounds very wise; no hatred, no provocation just
a statement of how you feel - nothing wrong in that. In fact you've shown compassion - for yourself!
The very fact that you're fine with it says it all. It's so very hard to stand by such decisions, especially if you're
used to being invalidated but stand your ground - you've done nothing wrong!  :applause: :applause:

I sent a card and called my possibly BPD sis on her birthday and wrote a message when I didn't get her on the
phone. What I got on my birthday 2 weeks later was a text with, "Happy Birthday, hope you're having a good one."
No "hi", "dear"/ "love"/best wishes" - nada!!!!

Stay in the zone. If someone I cared for sent me such a mail I'd be hot foot on the phone trying to make amends!

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ItHitMeLikeaBrick

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2016, 04:29:13 PM »
Thanks everyone . As usual , your words are soothing and validating . I feel fine about the position I've taken but it's always nice to have this forum as a sounding board . Thanks
"I'm not confused at what I think because I'm coming from the place where I can't unsee what I have seen" . Gary

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Nadine

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2016, 06:49:21 AM »
I think that when a N sibling decides 'You hate them' Its projection, what they are really saying is 'I Hate You'.
My Nsis says 'You hate me, you're sooo jealous of me' blah, blah, blah.
Actually I don't hate her, never have, never been 'jealous' of her either.
All this 'hater' crap is in her head, not mine. Typical narc they never take responsibility always blame someone else even for their own (projected) hateful personalities.

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IAmReady

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2016, 12:22:29 PM »
One of the hallmarks that you're dealing with a PD is that they will turn on you and make you into the bad guy, whose no longer worthy of inclusion in their inner circle, and you are behaving exactly the same way you always have and have no idea what their problem is. Nor are you able to have any healthy communication with them about it - you'll either get the silent treatment or an argument (complete with gaslighting and projection).

This is what my PD sibling did to me. I used to wrack my brain trying to understand what I had done to make her treat me this way. I never did get any real answers, and trying to pin her down on what was wrong, was always counterproductive. She couldn't or wouldn't tell me, and would become argumentative and hurtful. I realized that she didn't have any interest in resolving the grudge - she was content to carry it forever.

It doesn't sound like your sister has any interest in resolving the issue either. That's because there isn't any legitimate thing she can point to - "you said or did such and such, therefore I concluded that you hate me." You called her bluff. She is claiming that you hate her because that is her disorder talking, and you can't use logic with that. Our logic and reason in fact are incredibly irritating to PDs. They operate in a completely different reality. In her mind, you hate her. Feelings equal facts. Trying to have an adult, mature, reasoned conversation about why this is, will get you nowhere.

For me, understanding that my sister's splitting on me, and night and day switch in her treatment of me, is a reflection of PD insanity, and is not about anything I have done to her (if I did something so terrible that would justify her cold selfish unfeeling behavior, surely I would have some inkling of what it was. My conscience would tell me where I'd messed up, and that I needed to make amends) - this was a major lightbulb moment for me.

In your case, I applaud you calling your sister out on what she's doing - her failure to respond confirms that her slander of you is completely manufactured and has no basis in reality. Otherwise, she would step up to the plate and talk to you about it. Bravo.

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ItHitMeLikeaBrick

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2016, 02:17:12 PM »
Hi I am Ready ,
            How true it is when you say " Feelings equal facts "  with these people , no wonder they are so frustrating to deal with . Once they get an idea in their heads , there is no changing it . Logic and reason are poison to them .
Thanks so much for your response , you summarized the situation wonderfully for me . This has been cathartic for me knowing that the onus is on her and that she truly did tell malicious lies . Thanks for your support and understanding .
"I'm not confused at what I think because I'm coming from the place where I can't unsee what I have seen" . Gary

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Amelia3

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2016, 02:20:44 PM »
They never apologize, they believe somehow that each thing they say and do is faultless. It's the other person who is blameworthy. If your the family scapegoat, then that's the perception.

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Candywarhol

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2016, 01:46:05 AM »
On the "feelings equal facts" front,
My sister accused me of thinking that I could discuss anything and I talked too
much about issues.
At the time, I took the criticism on board!
Now I realise that what she was doing was shutting me down because there was no real issue to
discuss. If I tried to reason out what she said were the reasons for her actions I'd pretty soon come
to the conclusion that she was talking nonsense. She had to shut me down before I came to that
point!
What head-wreckers they ARE!

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Amelia3

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2016, 04:33:43 PM »
I wish I knew what it was that caused my sister to hate me from the very beginning. She used to trip me when I first began to walk, as a toddler, those are my first real memories of my older sister.  From the start there were lies and manipulation, that I tried to fight against and gave up on early,  there was no fairness, no justice.  I didn't hate her, I loved her and thought that it was what I was supposed to do, no matter what she did.  Maybe that's why she hated so much, she didn't recognize the  affection I had for her. 

If personality disorders lead to a disruption of normal mental function, which in my sister's case is what occurred. Then it follows that any relationships she may have had, would be chaotic, anger-filled testament to her lack of consistent care-giving by a personality-disordered mother.  It makes me wonder why I escaped that environment and am the least affected by it.   

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Sunshine days

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #11 on: September 24, 2016, 05:51:00 PM »
Thanks I am ready that was amazing insight into exactly how it is, I need to pop it into my journal and mediate on it. Thank you thank you !!!!! It hit me like a brick , well done you called her out, game over. I put up with this crap all my life now like you I take no prisoners if it makes me lose my inner peace and rightly so you stood your ground, we where conditioned after all to put our needs to one side so now they are in the shadows as we grow and they don't want us to loved and cared for and have justices, they seem to get a kick out of hurting us empaths and now we won't give them the supply they don't like being exposed. Your dammed if u do and dammed if you don't.  Well done and what a great topic x

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ItHitMeLikeaBrick

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Re: Just went NC with Sis , feels less foggy now .
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2016, 04:03:32 PM »
" I didn't hate her, I loved her and thought that it was what I was supposed to do, no matter what she did.  Maybe that's why she hated so much, she didn't recognize the  affection I had for her.  "

Amelia3 , I think you put your finger on why this is so hard to see . After all , isn't this a family that's supposed to care for one another ?
I experienced the same thing with my FOO , it took forever to see how destructive they were .

I found an anonymous quote recently that , I think , describes how many of us feel .

   " Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults , cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about " .

I wish I could cite the author but I have little doubt that whoever it was would feel quite at home here .
"I'm not confused at what I think because I'm coming from the place where I can't unsee what I have seen" . Gary