I associate money to love and wish I could get out of this habit tips welcome

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littlemisssunshine

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I am the scapegoat, my sister the golden child, my mum is for sure npd and my dad an enabler.

I would say we grew up in a working to middle class family, we had more money as we grew up. The lack of money when we were kids resulted in me having a drive to work hard and always have enough to get by.

i didn't go to university as i didn't want to end up in a ton of debt, my parents quite clearly were not prepared to help me financially (or emotionally) so I got a job, my sister who is about a year younger than me was offered full financial support from my parents to the tune of fifteen thousand they never asked her to pay this back.

moving on she gets married and they shel out five thousand for this major life event, (my sister was a complete diva about her wedding), my now husband and i start talking wedding plans and are frozen out completely so we pay for our own wedding and we didn't invite any of my family it was so stressed free it was amazing and i wouldn't change a thing.

My husband and i ask my parents if they can help with childcare a day or couple of days a week as our mortgage was high and childcare is so expensive, yes you have guessed it they said no. (We never went on to have children, but maybe this is a blessing as looking back I'm not sure putting kids anyway near them would have been healthy). So guess what happens next, my sister gets pregnant and my mum gives up her part time job to care for the kid for free two days a week.

At this point i go very low contact with the lot of them as my sister is really nasty to my husband and I.( no contact with nasty sister) Anyway rather foolishly i start contacting my parents more and we have a strained relationship,  but it's a relationship never the less. I bump into my mum in a shop and she tells me that my sister is pregnant, it's like she gets a thrill out of with holding information like this. So i guess the throwing of time and money at my sister repeats.

Why does it bother me that so far they have thrown about thirty to fourtythousand her way and they refuse to do the same for me but they say if I call them out that they treat us equally, i think this is why i genuinely believe they love her more, writing this has made me see how toxic they are and how i really should go no contact, anyone got any tips to help?

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Candywarhol

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Littlemisssunshine, From what you're saying I don't think you necessarily equate money with love. Your parents are acting
completely unfairly. Some people say money is energy. If you want to look at it that way, they're giving her more energy than you.

Are you like that with your husband? Do you value him for the gifts he gives you and his financial situation when you met?
Many of us have a big taboo about money and material things because we are taught that to want stuff is selfish and materialistic.
This accusation is very handy for those who dole out unevenly!!!
For what it's worth, I think you have every right to feel you're being treated badly!

So sorry about the kids. I've had a suspicion that something deep within a lot of scapegoats/CPTSD sufferers, like a safety catch, prevents them from having children.

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Wookiepunch

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Why does it bother me that so far they have thrown about thirty to fourtythousand her way and they refuse to do the same for me but they say if I call them out that they treat us equally, i think this is why i genuinely believe they love her more, writing this has made me see how toxic they are and how i really should go no contact, anyone got any tips to help?
It bothers you because it is mean and unfair.
Its like the line from the book "Animal Farm" by George Orwell; "All animals are created equal- its just some animals are more equal than others."
As a fellow scapegoat, I feel your pain. Usually when you call them out on it you get gaslighted and told to quit being a baby and its all in your head.
I can't tell you if going NC is the solution for your situation, but you and your husband have to realize that their past behavior will dictate how they behave in the future. You can not expect equal behavior because they don't see you and your sister as equals. As long as your expectations are low you wont be surprised- but f they are intentionally rubbing it in your face and trying to hurt you you may want to really consider if you want to keep coming back around.

Sorry you are going through this. Its not nice and you should be treated with the same love and consideration as your sibling.  :bighug:

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littlemisssunshine

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Thank you both for giving some help, sometimes it feels like I'm going mad and it's all in my head but just writing it down makes me realise maybe not, i like the part about lowering my expectations and i think I am going to really try this, i am grateful for this website and not feeling lonely in these situations, xx

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Jenny Field

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I could have written your post word for word. Iíve learnt itís not about the money. The author Charles Dickens has this quote that explained it for me ďÖÖthere is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt, as injustice.Ē First thing is to acknowledge it for what it is - injustice.

My uBPDm also claimed she was treating us equally until she couldnít and then it was replaced with
1) Iíve always behaved this way so itís ok  :no: or
2) I can behave how I like.  :no: :no:
On some level they know what they are doing.

If I look back to my younger self, where you are now, I could never have imagine how life would have turned out all these decades ahead.
Despite the financial largess bestowed on enGCSis she didnít thrive as she could have done and sadly died suddenly well before her time with PD parents playing a contributing role. 
My tip would be to realise you have the better life. They say the SG is luckier as we are not so enmeshed and find it easier to withdraw from the FOO and from what Iíve seen I can only agree. Sometimes the cost of those *financial opportunities* can be very high with the invisible strings attached. Also watch out for the ďas youíve been treated equallyĒ fill-in-the-blank. Iíve been NC for decades after deciding to step off the crazy-go-round.

Whatís also helped is the Tool Box, reading every book recommendation and following every link to expand my knowledge so I can say what I find is *off* about their behaviour.
 :bighug:

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Candywarhol

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They say the SG is luckier as we are not so enmeshed and find it easier to withdraw from the FOO and from what Iíve seen I can only agree. Sometimes the cost of those *financial opportunities* can be very high with the invisible strings attached.

 :yeahthat:

It's still had to detach but probably way easier than it is for the others.

Thanks for that, BetterLife and also the Dickens quote ;)

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ItHitMeLikeaBrick

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Hi LittleMissSunshine ,
                              I can totally relate to your painful feelings of neglect due to your parents unfair treatment to you . Financial favoritism by parents is a blatant form of rejection , emotional favoritism is much more covert and I wonder if you are focusing too much on the money instead of the feelings you have when confronted with blatant injustice . The ironic thing , as I see it , is that as a SG ,we are somewhat better equipped to handle it than the GC . You and your husband appear to be a strong unit , not needing , but wanting  your parents support .

In my FOO , my older brother was the GC , he could do no wrong . Every time he walked in the door of our Mothers  home , she threw a party for him and if I or my sister were there , we  would be expected to clean it  up . He was loud , abusive , angry , negative , tense and drank heavily . Today would have been his 66 th birthday had he lived .  He died of a heart attack after being tormented by our Malignant Narc M for most of his life . Consider yourself lucky , in an odd kind of way , but being ignored by an abusive parent  can be somewhat better than having their full attention . After all , these are people who have ' weaponized ' love and affection . As hard as it is to accept rejection and neglect , and I know it well , there can be a positive outcome . You are stronger than you know and , I suspect , your sister is not . 

It's too easy to manipulate people with money , we are hardwired to want it , believing it will somehow make us happy . I can only imagine what ' pound of flesh ' your parents are extracting from your poor sister . They own her but they don't own  you .

"I'm not confused at what I think because I'm coming from the place where I can't unsee what I have seen" . Gary

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bopper

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They say the SG is luckier as we are not so enmeshed and find it easier to withdraw from the FOO and from what Iíve seen I can only agree. Sometimes the cost of those *financial opportunities* can be very high with the invisible strings attached.

 :yeahthat:

It's still had to detach but probably way easier than it is for the others.

Thanks for that, BetterLife and also the Dickens quote ;)

In the Narcissists life, one child is the Scape Goat and one is the Golden Child.  I think they choose the one they can control more as the Golden Child (often the youngest, but not always).   They give gifts of money and time to the GC, and they give the gift of the opportunity for indepence to you. Take it.

Just because they can't love, doesn't mean you are unlovable.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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littlemisssunshine

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Thank you to all who replied, you are all amazing and i am going to work on how i choose to feel about this to make myself less upset, you have all really helped.