Accusing me of hurting my PDm because I'm not a Parent

  • 4 Replies
  • 1292 Views
*

BeachGlass

  • New Member
  • *
  • 12
Accusing me of hurting my PDm because I'm not a Parent
« on: September 25, 2016, 10:09:34 AM »
My PDbrother attacked me on Facebook recently.  It was the first time.  For years I've dealt with my mother acting like a covert N and playing victim.  But now PDbrother has decided to jump in and full out attack me.

One of the things he did was belittle me for not being a parent and said that I have no idea what I'm putting my PDm through.

I have 4 stepkids but wasn't able to have kids of my own.  My PDm knows that I wasn't able to have kids of my own and yet she came out in support of PDbrother's attack against me.   There would be no use talking to her because she would say it's my fault that PDbrother attacked me.

It's not the first time someone's told me that I'm not a parent so I'm clueless to what I'm putting PDm through.

Anyone else deal with this?

**I've since deactivated the FB page they used to go after me**

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14133
Re: Accusing me of hurting my PDm because I'm not a Parent
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2016, 12:59:22 PM »
BeachGlass - you ARE a parent! Period. End of story. This is unnecessarily cruel targeting of a most vulnerable issue by your brother and it is wrong on so many levels.

I am really glad you have closed the door that social media was for the PD people in your life to hurt you. How very unkind for him to manipulate and attempt to create doubt of yourself and invalidation of your life! I am so sorry.

While I have not dealt with the heartbreak of infertility, I have been told over many years that I am not "blood" by PD in laws and therefore am second class and not considered family. While a different relationship and circumstance, what I have found with some of the PD's in my life is that they truly do not consider anyone without some kind of a blood tie to be family. I don't know if this is a PD thing or not, but it sounds a bit like how your PD family may be thinking when they say you are not a parent, when in fact you are parenting 4 children as your own. It boggles my mind.

It has also been my experience, with PD family members, that when they are hurting or disappointed because we have pulled away from their toxic, hurtful behaviors they refuse to manage, that they look to someone else to blame and to take responsibility for their unhappiness or areas of their lives that are not working. If your mother is unhappy or hurting then it has to be your fault and yours to fix.  :sadno: That seems to be the twisted logic here.

*

BeachGlass

  • New Member
  • *
  • 12
Re: Accusing me of hurting my PDm because I'm not a Parent
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2016, 01:15:21 PM »
BeachGlass - you ARE a parent! Period. End of story. This is unnecessarily cruel targeting of a most vulnerable issue by your brother and it is wrong on so many levels.

I am really glad you have closed the door that social media was for the PD people in your life to hurt you. How very unkind for him to manipulate and attempt to create doubt of yourself and invalidation of your life! I am so sorry.

While I have not dealt with the heartbreak of infertility, I have been told over many years that I am not "blood" by PD in laws and therefore am second class and not considered family. While a different relationship and circumstance, what I have found with some of the PD's in my life is that they truly do not consider anyone without some kind of a blood tie to be family. I don't know if this is a PD thing or not, but it sounds a bit like how your PD family may be thinking when they say you are not a parent, when in fact you are parenting 4 children as your own. It boggles my mind.

It has also been my experience, with PD family members, that when they are hurting or disappointed because we have pulled away from their toxic, hurtful behaviors they refuse to manage, that they look to someone else to blame and to take responsibility for their unhappiness or areas of their lives that are not working. If your mother is unhappy or hurting then it has to be your fault and yours to fix.  :sadno: That seems to be the twisted logic here.

Thank you Bloomie.  I think it's very unkind when families want to shut someone out for not being blood.  It's excluding you for something that can't be helped.

My FOO definitely places an emphasis on blood relations. I've never liked that.  I don't remember ever feeling like family is only blood.
I've always welcomed the idea of Family as anyone I have a close relationship with.  I mean if people get along with their blood relatives, that's good.   But for me, genetics is not a requirement for the feeling of being Family.  For me, it's about time spent together and shared experiences and an overall sense of caring.


*

kiwihelen

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2018
Re: Accusing me of hurting my PDm because I'm not a Parent
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2016, 04:18:29 PM »
Beach Glass, fellow infertile one here.
It sucks when there are these kinds of reactions. Even in "good enough" families people can say stupid things.
Thing is, as a fellow step, I am learning I'm a damn good parent.
You are spot on about families being about kinship not blood. I'm lucky our indigenous people have a word for it "whanau" which encompasses family of choice too.

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 14133
Re: Accusing me of hurting my PDm because I'm not a Parent
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2016, 04:08:36 PM »
Beach Glass, fellow infertile one here.
It sucks when there are these kinds of reactions. Even in "good enough" families people can say stupid things.
Thing is, as a fellow step, I am learning I'm a damn good parent.
You are spot on about families being about kinship not blood. I'm lucky our indigenous people have a word for it "whanau" which encompasses family of choice too.
Love this! whanau!!!