Just learned adult sibling has it

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Siblingsad

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Just learned adult sibling has it
« on: September 26, 2016, 07:27:04 PM »
I have been dealing with difficult patterns of behavior from my sibling my whole life.  Instinctively, I have been pulling away for years (we are middle aged.). My parent guilted me, asking me to be "nicer" to my sibling.  I was guarded, defensive, mostly avoidant, but not always clear in my own head why I felt the way I felt or why I could not bring myself to be near too much.  It seemed that contact always brought too much risk of irrational, circular conversations and tantrums.

My sibling was heavily emotionally dependent on my parent, who took it all quietly, listening for hours to my sibling complain about everyone and everything in her life.  My parent continued to take on my sibling's pain, while expecting nothing, even through years of terminal illness.

My sibling has been raging and irrational since our parent's passing.  I just couldn't deal with this on top of grieving.  I made an appointment with with a psychiatrist to figure out what I might do to repair things (I feel guilty for "breaking" the family unit with my exit).

The psychologist told me that everything we described was symptomatic of a personality disorder and that the name of the game for me would be big boundaries.  My gut had been leading me this way all along, but in my head I was still thinking that there was some solution, words I was failing to use...

The psychologist spoke brightly about moving on.  But I am grieving something I never had, some hope that existed before this meeting.  And I am wondering how I can do what I have to do, while my extended family scorns me for being cold.  Nobody sees the vitriol she shares in the immediate family, and nobody sees how especially strong it is against me, the favored child.  I don't owe anyone an explanation, and explaining wouldn't help anyway, but it's still so deeply isolating to be grieving x2, judged and voiceless.

Can anyone relate?

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Sunshine days

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Re: Just learned adult sibling has it
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2016, 08:03:29 PM »
Hello sibling sad , I can't relate to you as I am not a favoured child but I will say as a scapegoat I listened to the narc for hours/days /years and never spoke out , I was the dutiful daughter but then I had an awakening and got up and walked away . The other siblings let me do the role of fixer /rescuer and never cared about being a family unit, the narc was addicted to drama so she loved her mind games and did get the gc running around as well but the gc is to dumb to see out of his rose tinted glasses , he's in for a fall when she dies. I can relate to grieving the loss of someone who is still alive or some thing we never had, it's really hard is that process. I don't feel guilty for leaving the family unit , I feel stupid for putting up with such nonsense , maybe you need to realise their was never a normal functioning family so need to feel guilty for leaving . You did what u did for your sanity and freedom , do you not feel good enough ? Or do you feel you can do wrong? Two roads take your pick .