When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H

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Sesame

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When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« on: September 28, 2016, 11:55:40 PM »
I wrote about this co-worker previously in this post: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=47987.msg431198#msg431198

During the time he has been getting close to him (and has also been introduced to another friend of ours), he has been on his best behaviour. I thought he had made assumptions about me, but realised he was wrong and was not PD. Recently, H and I spent the afternoon with him and another friend. H and I had things we had to get out of the way before we went back to work, but they tried to convince us to forget about it. Then FYI-Insult Guy decides to put me on the spot in a lose-lose situation by saying, `How about it? Are you going to stay or be one of those hen-pecking wives who never let their husbands have any fun?' There is no winning answer to this because either I agree and we have twice as much housework to do next time, I `let' H stay out and I do all the work when I already do 70-80% of the housework because of working part-time, or I say no and H agrees of his own volition, but it looks like the situation FYI-Insult Guy just mentioned. H was apparently too shocked to say/do anything because, like I said, FYI-Insult Guy has been on his best behaviour. Though H was the one who put his foot down, I still felt irritated afterwards.

This event made me realise he is not an ordinary person who realised he misjudged me, but is probably a PD. He asks to spend time with H alone and me several times in the week and every weekend. H is well aware of my feelings and is good at setting boundaries, but I think since he doesn't get all the sexist comments, so he actually likes spending time with him. He has not got a good filter at all and has told this guy several things about me I do not want people to know. FYI-Insult Guy applied for a new job, but told H all about the new place and he seems all enthusiastic about moving there and joining him. I DO NOT, under any circumstances, want to move to a new place with no job and FYI-Insult Guy as the only person we know. Yes, I trust H to listen to me and understand this, but sometimes he gets so excited about things he knows I feel completely uncomfortable with, I get nervous.

Is there anything I can do other than being open and honest with H and letting him continue to set boundaries?

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kayjewel

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Re: When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2016, 12:46:32 AM »
Then FYI-Insult Guy decides to put me on the spot in a lose-lose situation by saying, `How about it? Are you going to stay or be one of those hen-pecking wives who never let their husbands have any fun?' There is no winning answer to this because either I agree and we have twice as much housework to do next time, I `let' H stay out and I do all the work when I already do 70-80% of the housework because of working part-time, or I say no and H agrees of his own volition, but it looks like the situation FYI-Insult Guy just mentioned.

No answer is necessary, winning or not. Your marital relationship with H is none of FYI-Insult Guy's business. You owe him absolutely no answer, no explanation, no excuse. Period. Who cares what "it looks like" to Insult Guy? Seriously. Why do you care what Insult Guy thinks about how you and H do your marriage?

What this guy said is completely inappropriate. Not only is his behavior invasive of your personal boundaries, it is intrusive into your marriage relationship.

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s there anything I can do other than being open and honest with H and letting him continue to set boundaries?

Yes, there is. You set boundaries yourself. So if this happens:

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Recently, H and I spent the afternoon with him and another friend. H and I had things we had to get out of the way before we went back to work, but they tried to convince us to forget about it. Then FYI-Insult Guy decides to put me on the spot in a lose-lose situation by saying, `How about it? Are you going to stay or be one of those hen-pecking wives who never let their husbands have any fun?'

You can take H aside and discuss it with him privately before giving these "friends" an answer. Or you can just say to all of them, "No, sorry, we really do have to run, we have so much to do this afternoon." Then you leave with H.

If these "friends" laugh and call H hen-pecked, so what? Whose marriage is it, anyway? I'm trying to figure out how that was a "lose-lose" situation. I'm not seeing it.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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clara

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Re: When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2016, 11:58:38 AM »
I was in a similar situation with my husband and my former uNPD friend.  My husband always likes to think the best of people, is highly tolerant of bad behavior.  When I went NC with this friend, my husband didn't understand why but I didn't want to explain it.  I mentioned some of the things the NPD had been doing that were highly questionable and  why I didn't want to be around him any longer, but stopped short of the NPD label because I just wasn't comfortable sharing that kind of information.  I feel that my h wouldn't understand what I was talking about because he never really saw the bad behavior and the friend always went out of his way to "behave" around my h.  Seems sometimes PDs are aware of how they come off to others so are capable of modifying their behavior when it suits them.  And even when NPD friend would do or say something "off" h either didn't seem to notice or wasn't taking it seriously (when actually it was dead serious).  Also I noticed that when I mentioned some of the things this friend had done, my h didn't seem to really believe me because it sounds so irrational to a rational person.  It took some time before he finally dropped the "why don't we ever see ____ any more?" comments.  I guess he realized I was serious when I said I didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, but I know h still wonders what "went wrong."

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Sesame

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Re: When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2016, 11:37:18 PM »
Hello and thank you for your responses.

kayjewel, you're absolutely right in that I shouldn't care, but there are several reasons why I do. Maybe some background would help.

1) I most likely have C-PTSD from the abuse I have faced in my life, meaning I do worry excessively about the thoughts and opinions others have about me. It also probably ties in with a fear of abandonment and feeling sure that if people are led to believe certain things about me, I will get rejected. Believe me, I have made drastic improvements in this area and I am a lot better than I used to be, but seeing as a lot of the abuse I went through involved public humiliation and subsequent mass rejection, I do not think I will ever be able to not care at all.

2) I have known someone like this guy before. Someone who is popular, well-liked, charming when needed and highly manipulative. Even though people KNEW me and would never have come to the conclusion I am a bad person from their own experience, this person was able to turn all of them against me with nothing but lies, careful manipulation and playing the victim after baiting me. The people who were turned against me included friends, acquaintances and authority figures, all of whom had purely positive opinions of me beforehand. Given the similarities between FYI-Insult Guy and this person from my past, can you understand I am afraid of it happening again?

Clara, I'm sorry to hear you also went through the same situation, but I'm happy to hear you're free of this person. Even if your H doesn't understand, you have your safety and peace of mind. My H is well aware of my feelings and the things this man has done previously, but I guess H believes he can manage it without anything getting out of hand.

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Quesadila

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Re: When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2016, 04:26:03 PM »
Hello Sesame

Manipulators have a tendency to put people on the defensive when they want to back them into a difficult corner, in order to pull off one of these stunts.

When you feel yourself being pushed into that corner:

1. Stay out of the defense position.

2. Identify what is really happening.

Then you will (sometimes - or hopefully always, if you can stay cool and take those two steps) find your answer.

In this case, the response to:

`How about it? Are you going to stay or be one of those hen-pecking wives who never let their husbands have any fun?'

Would be:

"Hen pecking? I'm not the one trying to control and cajole him. You are."

This isn't attacking; it's stating the true position. It's best to try to keep any such statement short and simple.

« Last Edit: November 18, 2016, 04:27:48 PM by Quesadila »

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NoVoice357

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Re: When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2016, 04:10:00 PM »
Hi Sesame, :wave:

I have just seen your post and hope it is not too late to write you a few lines.

I have read your recent post and also the old one. I think your work colleague has a NPD. He does not respect any of your boundaries, uses projection (you are a fake) and is trying to control you and cause chaos in your life.

He is very controlling. Monopolizing other people’s time is a way of controlling their lives. He also wants to control your husband’s opinion of you, his job (he should move to the place where he has applied for a new job), your time at work (walking into your office as much as he can, almost always stopping to talk to you when he sees you in the hallway), your free time (wanting to spend time with you and your H during the week and on weekends too), the place where you and your husband should live, and so on. I suggest you stay away from him whenever possible. If he starts a smear campaign against you at work, he will unfortunately succeed because he is popular, charming and liked by everyone.

Your H should not give him any kind of information about you and your marriage to him.
My H is a non and used to be quite naive. When he was still contact with his dysfunctional FOO, I asked him to please do not to give them any kind of information about me or about our marriage. Of course, he could give them information about him, if he wanted to. I did not decide what he should share about him. So if his nFOO asked him about me, he could answer that “they should ask me directly”. His FOO did not dare ask me, though. I had gone NC with them.

If your H is a non, open-minded, listens to you and you are 100% sure he will not betray your trust, I suggest you give him some texts about Ns behaviours and manipulation tactics. At first, he will not see the narcissistic behaviour but with time he will begin to notice that something is wrong with Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Sesame, I am very sorry to read you have gone through public humiliation and mass rejection.
I have gone through this nightmare in the past and I am going through this now again and I know how it feels. It is devastating. People who have not gone through this  terrible experience cannot imagine what it is like to be on the receiving end of a smear campaign and character assassination, being ostracized and losing our social network.

Although I am not sure, I really hope that what your NPD colleague said is true (that he had applied for a new job and would move). You will be able to get rid of him. If not, or in the meantime, I suggest you do not react to his controlling behaviour and use grey rock when dealing with him.

I wish you all the best. :)

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Sesame

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Re: When that maybe PD co-worker is becoming best friends with your H
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2016, 10:43:13 PM »
Sorry for the late response, I only saw there were two replies just now.

Quesadila, thank you! That's a great suggestion. I'll try to remember it for next time!

NoVoice, yes, you are probably right in that he may succeed if he wishes to do this. So I'm currently holding my breath until his contract is over because the bosses do not want him working here any longer. I know that as a fact as it didn't come from his mouth.

Your H sounds like mine. He also used to be incredibly naive with my uNMIL and tell her all sorts of highly personal and private information that should only be between a couple. He has since improved, but still sometimes has no idea what is acceptable to tell and what is not because he is so used to telling his mum everything. Either way, telling uNMIL or this guy that they should ask me directly is an excellent suggestion. I am sure it would work with him because he definitely asks far more invasive questions or tries to coax information out of H by oversharing in the hopes H will join in. I don't think he would dare ask me directly.

I have already shared info about Ns with him and he has come to me with questions after he felt this guy displayed clearly narcissistic behaviour. So I know my H is on board with me. I just think he has trouble being firm sometimes. If this guy comes and asks to join a dinner when a guest of H is around (often I am already set to join), he never says no and I think this guy knows that.

I am sorry to hear you are suffering public humiliation and ostracism right now. It truly is difficult to deal with and it feels like there is no escape. People who haven't experienced it cannot understand how it impacts your life and way of thinking in connection to others. I hope you are able to put a stop to it and gain the support you need to pull through.