stunned by comment about Ngrandparent

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TakingFlight

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stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« on: September 29, 2016, 06:43:44 AM »
I had a brief encounter with a distant relative today, a second cousin who I'd never really met before (might have met her when I was a baby or something). I think she is one of my father's cousins or something, not entirely sure.

Anyway, as she was leaving, she mentioned that my Ngrandmother (my father's mother) was her Godmother, and that she was always so nice to 2nd cousin and her sister, "she always paid attention to us" etc...My mouth just dropped open in shock, I can't even imagine the expression on my face, I was completely stunned...managed to say "really?" in a bewildered tone...and she was like "oh yes, she was very dear to us, like a guardian angel" too which I think I may have managed a gurgled "ugh?"

It just makes no sense at all. I don't want to get into Ngm's behaviour, suffice to say, I couldn't have cared less when she finally died a few years ago. Which was in direct contrast to my grandparents on my mother's side, who I was very fond of and very sad when they both passed.

It's just so weird that there was this whole other side to her that was apparently "lovely". I don't understand at all.

Just so bewildered by it. Just needed to share/vent.

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TakingFlight

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2016, 06:52:16 AM »
this is probably the expression that was on my face when she was saying that

(https://i.imgflip.com/fap4y.jpg)

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kayjewel

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2016, 07:22:54 AM »
Under what circumstances did you encounter the cousin? Could it have been a flying monkey situation? If not, maybe this cousin didn't really know Ngrandmother well and/or felt she needed to say something nice about her, in order to be polite. A lot of people think they have to find something nice to say, not understanding how we're likely to take it (such as being triggered).

Sometimes people whom I don't know well will say to me things like, "oh, your M was so sweet." :???: :o :blink:  Of all the words I could use to describe my M, "sweet" would be just about the last thing I'd think of. But I just figure they're just trying to say something nice. Since she's now deceased, I let it go in one ear and out the other.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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TakingFlight

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2016, 08:13:56 AM »
Not a flying monkey situation as far as I can tell, the 2nd cousin stopped by a public event I had organised, I wouldn't even have known who she was if she hadn't introduced herself. She found out about the event from my aunt (her direct cousin) who I'm in contact with. It's just my parents that I'm NC with (Ngrandmother died a few years ago).

I don't know why she said that, I think she was just making conversation? Maybe trying to share a fond memory? My fathers parents were both from very large families, so my father has heaps of cousins, but we only occasionally had anything to do with them.

It was just one of those weird "twilight zone" moments TBH. Not sure if I was triggered by it or just confused or what...all this family stuff is so confusing.

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Jenny Field

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2016, 10:23:27 AM »
Thanks for the picture that gave me a laugh!

I had a similar experience over my enGCSis’s death and reading the death notices in the paper. They spoke of a gentle soul and lovely person which she was ………just not so much to me the SG.

The person I knew wanted to send the bailiffs to my house to pick up her stolen goods and was manipulative who was happy to throw me under the bus. Which wasn’t mentioned anywhere.

I think the truth lies somewhere between enGCSis was all of those things and being different things to different people.

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accidental sister

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #5 on: September 29, 2016, 10:31:19 AM »
During a time period when my adult uNPD brother was throwing my uNPD sister down stairs and otherwise making my elderly mother's life a living hell, I routinely had people from the community saying things to me such as: "Your brother is such a wonderful man"  "Your brother came over and fixed our -fill in the blank- today and wouldn't even take any money...what a great guy!" etc. When I went to visit mom I would see cards that people sent to her saying similar things.

Narcs are very skilled at creating the virtuous public persona, while systematically destroying their targets behind closed doors. They need their supply from somewhere, so they have to maintain those positive impressions with some people. My bro also uses this to bolster his claim to others that "there is something really wrong with my sister (me)" because it couldn't possibly be him - he's such a "great guy", I mean people put it in writing and send it to his mother, LOL

 :stars:

Thank God for this forum and the people here...no more fog!   

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Inurdreams

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2016, 11:38:58 AM »
It is interesting when someone makes a nice comment about a person we know isn't all that nice.

When my NGM died there was a web page hosted by the funeral home where people could leave comments.  One of my cousins posted about how he loved to go to NGM's house because she always had good things to eat and how she loved to cook.

What??? Since when did NGM love to cook?  I lived with her twice and I can tell you that even if she only made toast it was with a lot of moaning, groaning and complaining from her.  She acted like someone was pulling out her fingernails if she had to open a can of soup.

Obviously other people experience these Ns differently than us who know them well.
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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freedfromchaos

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2016, 12:44:35 PM »
I've had many experiences of people telling me how nice my uNPD father was to them, how kind, how generous. NOTHING like what I experienced from him. I just wanted to vomit.

 I have found that the further removed from him they were and the more he wished to create an illusion of being a 'hell of a nice guy' the nicer, kinder, more generous he was to them. He had no expectations of them other than that they thought well of him.

With those of us who were close he had such extreme expectations that were impossible for us mere mortals to accomplish. He was always in a rage for us failing him.

Your distant relative was treated to a performance and never saw the real person behind the mask, that was the one you saw.

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ItHitMeLikeaBrick

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2016, 03:10:23 PM »

"Narcs are very skilled at creating the virtuous public persona, while systematically destroying their targets behind closed doors. They need their supply from somewhere, so they have to maintain those positive impressions with some people. My bro also uses this to bolster his claim to others that "there is something really wrong with my sister (me)" because it couldn't possibly be him - he's such a "great guy", I mean people put it in writing and send it to his mother, LOL "

So true Accidental Sis ,They are so adept at projecting their nasty ways on others while portraying themselves as saintly . At my Malignant Narc Mothers memorial service last year , I listened to person after person say how helpful and generous she had been to them . She provided a place to stay , work connections , was entertaining and supportive . Listening to that was like drinking acid as this was the polar opposite of the way she treated her own
children . The cruel thing about it is that they create an illusion of of warmth and caring to the outside world while being absolutely vile to their family and if we were to say anything about it to others , they wouldn't believe you .  Kind of a 'Bill Cosby ' moment , you know , when you are so popular that nobody believes you  would do such a thing . What abusive crap .

 
"I'm not confused at what I think because I'm coming from the place where I can't unsee what I have seen" . Gary

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bopper

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2016, 05:14:08 PM »
Second cousin might be more in the outer circle of nG's sphere of influence...like others say, they can project a good persona to them.  But they can't to the inner circle which you are in.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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TakingFlight

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Re: stunned by comment about Ngrandparent
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2016, 06:31:49 AM »
I've been thinking about this and I think you all might be onto something, in that it's easier for PDs to pretend with people they only see infrequently, whereas with immediate family it would be too much effort to keep the mask up. Then whenever immediate family say anything, the PD can point to all these people who think they're so amazing as "proof" that it's you with the problem, not them.

I guess I was just caught off guard, because it was so random to have extended family that I've never had anything to do with, suddenly come and say hello.