Letting go. It is so hard.

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IAmReady

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Letting go. It is so hard.
« on: October 01, 2016, 05:33:29 PM »
I've written several other posts here about my uPD sibling - a younger sister who I used to have a very close relationship with. Seven years ago, her behavior towards me completely altered after I organized an intervention in order to get her out of the yoga cult she'd given her life to years before.

She denies that the intervention was the reason for her night and day change towards me, but (1) she can't provide any other explanation and (2) it seems like a mighty strange coincidence that her petty, cold, selfish, sh*tty behavior began exactly at the same time as the intervention.

PDs run in our family. We were raised by one - our father is uNPD. The big lightbulb moment of my life was when I finally stopped wracking my brain, trying to figure out why my sister changed on me, and realized that actually, it might be a sign of a PD. Prior to the intervention, she'd put me on a pedestal for years. I could do no wrong. I was her beloved, awesome older sister, her "soul mate" (her words).

After the intervention, I could do no right. She became difficult, cold, and selfish in almost all her dealings with me. You know how you can sense when someone doesn't like you and is silently judging you and raking you over the coals, even though they may have a smile on their face and are acting interested in what you say? That's how it became with uPD sister. And it hurt like h*ll. It's like, no matter what I said or how I said it, she would view my words and behavior through the most judgmental, critical lens. She went from being my biggest champion and supporter, to my biggest critic.

She only lives a couple of miles from me, and I see her only very occasionally. She has made herself unavailable to me almost all the time. She doesn't like to talk on the phone, so here it is October and I haven't heard her voice since August. She responds minimally, if at all, to texts. Example: I sent a thoughtful text saying something about the upcoming election here in the States and how I'm very concerned about such and such possibility (we have the same political views). I hear nothing for over 48 hours, and then she sends this: "Yes, it's alarming."
It's like she's managed me down over a period of several years to where I'm not allowed to expect anything but the bare minimum of engagement from her. This from the person who used to call me her "soul mate."

Recently I woke up feeling extremely under the weather, like a stomach bug, complete with pounding headache, loss of appetite, nausea and intense anxiety. I suspected I felt this badly due to mild poisoning from a chemical I'd used to kill a fly infestation in my apartment the night before. I felt so poorly at one point that I thought I might have to go to the emergency room. Having dumped my uNPD/ASPD ex boyfriend several weeks ago, I didn't have anyone to turn to for support or advice. I ended up reaching out to my sister - I texted her. Afterwards I was kicking myself.

I'm having the hardest time getting it through my brain that she is not the person I used to know so well. She lives two miles away from me, and is my family, but this doesn't mean that she will be there for me the way a loving sister would. Sure enough, she did eventually send a couple of brief texts, and I've heard nothing since. I could have dropped dead by now and she wouldn't know the difference.

This makes me so angry and so sad at the same time. Who is this cold, guarded stranger, who takes my breath away with her icy indifference? I've learned over time that, if I ever have to actually ask my sister for anything, no matter how small, no matter how reasonable, the answer will almost surely be "NO." Because, according to her, she has to "set firm boundaries with me."

Continuing to reach out and reach out, with kindness and engagement, to someone who never reciprocates - this has been such a demoralizing blow to my self esteem. It's almost like her incredibly unflattering view of me seeps into my consciousness and I start to absorb the message that I really am unworthy, I really am a "walking sh*t show" with "control issues" (her words). The continual rejection is so hurtful, that it makes me feel as though something is wrong with me, as though I deserve to be treated like a distant third cousin at the reunion. She makes me feel so bad about myself, and for this reason alone, I know it would be wisest to go LC or NC with her. But how?

I think it would be so much easier if we had never been close to begin with. It's because we had this cherished best friend relationship that her current rejection is especially painful. If you are reading this, and you once had a close relationship with a uPD sibling, how did you finally bring yourself to go LC or NC? Did you feel afterwards that you made the right decision? Did you have a lot of grieving to do? I'm sincerely curious how people are able to finally let go. Because this is something I'm really struggling with.





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Menopause Barbie

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2016, 07:56:13 PM »
Oh, yes, Iamready, I know how painful it is to lose a sister. I have written before about my relationship with my uNsis. I think she never wanted to lose her only child status and secretly competed with and resented me our whole childhoods. There was a brief (10 year) period when our kids were young and I thought she finally loved me, even liked to be with me! Eventually, like you, I was discarded. She never would tell me why. I think that was the most painful part. She wasn't in a cult, per se, but she is very involved in a denomination which has cultish qualities and which I have rejected, so that is somewhat similar to your and your sister's situation. The cult makes them feel superior and feeds the narc-i-ness. By rejecting the cult, you reject their superiority, too. That is why they need to make us the bad guys--to compensate for that feeling that we judged them or dared to think they could be wrong about something so important.

NC took years and only happened after I had exhausted every attempt to discuss things and "win her back." I had tried calling her, writing her, giving her space, giving her support. After years of her rejection, I finally gave up. It was my refusal to come to her daughter's wedding and play one-big-happy-family that was my point of no return. It also forced the relationship with my uBPmom and uNdad to finally be REAL. Real for me was NC. They had already shut themselves off from me emotionally so, as far as I'm concerned, the NC started with them.

I thought NC would be the end for me. The end of my having roots and history. But roots hold you down and history holds you back when they are grounded in negativity and false public faces. NC became a new beginning for me. With it, I was able to start finding fleas and hunting them down one by one (still a work in progress). I was able to take all that energy I had invested fruitlessly in my FOO and invest it in my FOC and myself.

I think the key is to make your NC mental and emotional as much as you can, not just physical NC. No looking them up online to make sure they're OK. No glossing over the issues and blaming yourself. No visualizing a happy reunion that will never be. Force yourself to look at things with brutal honesty and clarity. Break the old pattern of whitewashing her abuse of you because, even a total blank slate of forgiveness will not be enough to salvage the relationship. She doesn't even want your forgiveness! She is like that horrible boyfriend who treats you like dirt and all your friends tell you "You're too good for him! Leave Him!" But you love him so much that you keep giving and giving until you have nothing left to give. And then he leaves you. Picture your sister as a boyfriend. Wouldn't you be justified in leaving that relationship? At some point it goes beyond demoralizing to the point where the way they treat you robs you of your self respect and human dignity. There is absolutely nothing wrong and everything right with you taking that self respect and dignity back. Your sister started the emotional NC. You are just accepting what she has already done.   

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2016, 03:47:26 AM »
First - I hope you're feeling better!  (I hate bug spray!  :thumbdown:)

I think a lot of it has to do with the cult.  You proved her chosen life path was wrong and we all know how thin-skinned PDs can be.  That's a deep wound.  It takes a LONG time to get over - if it's ever gotten over. 

My DH also got involved with a cult.  It's a small cult (not one of the nationally recognized things you see on, "I Escaped From a Cult" or anything like that, but a cult based on a book written by the disciple of another man who wrote a book that isn't particularly well known), but their basic ideology was, "Give up your job, come work on our farm and make money for us, while your loved ones send you money to give to us."

Now, that's either a cult or the best multi-level marketing scheme I've ever heard about.

Just trying to lighten the mood a bit.     :bigwink:

DH would spend hours in chat rooms with his cult friends and for his birthday, DH proudly called me into the computer room to show me a video one of his cult friends sent him - of her buck naked, masturbating and singing "Happy Birthday" to DH.  He thought it was GREAT!

I stood there like, "WTF?"

It was offensive on SO many levels and one of them was that while I'm *nowhere* close to being a beauty queen contestant, this woman was absolutely hideous in every way, and I'm not saying that just because she sent DH a porn video.   :no_shake:

It took me a few hours to react, but I did, and asked him how he thought that video was in any way appropriate.

He said it was his friend and it was just good fun.  The resulting argument wasn't very mature and I wound up giving DH the ST for 3 days because I didn't know the rules about constructive fighting and that the ST really is abusive.  (And I was SERIOUSLY pissed!)

We fought off and on for the next few months because he was trying to indoctrinate me - not gonna happen! - and soften me up to the idea of him quitting his job and spending time on the farm, and I could send him writing royalties and maybe get a second or third job and I'd be okay, while he lived a simple, communal farm life with all his friends, all the beer you could drink and women who thought marriage was a contract that couldn't be enforced.   :aaauuugh:

This led up to the Great Memorial Day Weekend Blowup of '01.  He packed his bag and announced he was going to the farm with his friends, who loved and understood him and *I* could quit his job for him on Tuesday.   :no_shake: :no_shake: :no_shake:

I told him he wasn't getting a damned dime from me, the DIVORCE LAWYER would see to that and HOW was he going to give his friends money if I could successfully prove he was in a fucking CULT, which meant he was not only brainwashed, but STUPID?  (Yes, I know, not the most brilliant tactic in the world, but DH is a lot like Kevin Kline in "A Fish Called Wanda" - don't call him stupid!)

More epic fighting.  He stayed overnight in a hotel, came home the next day to prove he wasn't stupid ( :evil2:), this was right and good and - more epic fighting.

I wanted to know how it was in any way FAIR for him to quit his job, abdicate all his responsibilities and expect me to support him and his friends? 

It just was.  That's the way they did things.

I told him it wasn't, it wasn't going to happen, and if he wanted to go and live off the land and shag  C'thulu , be my guest - but I wasn't paying for it. 

I don't know what happened, but I think it dawned on him that since I was demanding all the assets stay here - his car and mine, which  are in both our names and had payments due (payments he wouldn't be making)  - and I told him the second he walked out the door, I was freezing him out of ALL our accounts and cancelling his insurance - he figured out he'd have NO money, no way to get there and even if he did, he'd have nothing to contribute. 

This is something PDs assume about me - I'm a marshmallow and will just go along like a sheep to the slaughter.  DH - PD or not - knows better.  He's seen it in action and has even commented - with hearts in his eyes -  I remind him of his grandma (a woman we both loved).  He knows that if you try to back me into a corner, you're going to come out bloodied, bruised and wondering what the hell you tussled with.  (Not literally, of course - I'm not a violent person.  I fight with precision word bombs, reason, logic and laws.  :) )

I look like a little piece of insignificant fluff, but deep down inside, I'm a freaking rabid badger.  I've had to be.

DH stayed.  It was like living with an enemy combatant for about a year, even though we were trying to work on the marriage and his eyes were slowly starting to open about his "friends" - who were deeply disappointed that DH couldn't send them money, since I was watching every single transaction like a hawk.

That was around the time he wrote them a big, long JADE letter, explaining he just couldn't come or send money - it was this awful, ridiculous, grandiose thing, often blaming me, circumstance, bad timing, my inability to see reason - and wondering why they were so damned concerned about getting money and free labor from him.

A bit of success!   :aaauuugh:

They blocked him and he was despondent.  I reminded him true friends fight like hell to keep you - a friend like me.   :doh:

And we still walked on eggshells for a few years because I didn't trust him and he thought I'd scared away all his real friends.   :roll:

For DH, marriage counseling is out of the question because he doesn't like admitting problems to anybody.  To him, it means failure.  He's kind of getting over that mentality, knowing I post here about my parents (but he doesn't know I post about him because, you know...) - our marriage WAS irreparably damaged but we can still live as friends and there are days I almost trust DH again.

I saw him at his lowest.  His worst.  His most vulnerable.  His most gullible.  And a PD or an extremely flea-ridden person who isn't doing any work on him or herself is going to have a SERIOUS problem with that until they decide to work on themselves or decide YOU have the problem because they are EMBARRASSED - and that will NEVER DO!

Think about it - a CULT.  You'd never do it and saw right through it.

Same here.  I think he felt like an ass and won't admit it - I won't press and we never talk about it.  It's like it never happened at all.  The one time I did try to go into it, he said, "We were fighting all the time..."

Yeah, about the fucking CULT!   :roll:

These smarter, more special people (PD or flea'ed) *didn't* see the snow-job they were getting - they enjoyed being puffed up and relished it, exacerbating problems that were there all along, like low self-esteem.  A cult makes you think you really ARE more super-special than anybody - you're one of the chosen few.

Imagine mere plebes like us seeing  what they can't, after they've been built up SO high.

I don't know if you'll ever have a relationship with your sister again - it took a very long time for me to have the semblance of a normal relationship with DH, who does display many unNPD traits.

I just wanted to reach out - I understand.  God, it's rough.  And there's nobody you can really *talk* to about this stuff.   I kept it inside for years, festering away.  I wrote about it in my journal, but never really talked openly about it because who do you talk to?  The neighbor?  The guy on the street corner?  Your unNPD best friend, who is having trouble with her man and it's all she can think about, 24/7?

Thank you for giving me the courage to write these things.  Your relationship probably won't be the same - if you can manage to have one.

It's what *you're* willing to put up with.  I saw DH as worth it - and he's really kind of not, if you want the truth, but he "gets" me and I get him and that's okay.  We live on more than civil terms now, we're good friends and actually enjoy each other's company about 90% of the time, which, all things considered, isn't bad.

But it took a LONG time to get to that point - and a LOT of work.  Mostly on my part, through boundaries and understanding what he is/isn't capable of bringing to a relationship and not expecting things beyond it.

 :hug:


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Muggins

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2016, 02:29:23 PM »
If she denies that the intervention started the rift, isn't it possible something happened before the intervention? After all, she joined a cult!

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IAmReady

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2016, 03:00:43 PM »
If she denies that the intervention started the rift, isn't it possible something happened before the intervention? After all, she joined a cult!

Muggins,

No, we got along very well until I confronted her on two occasions with the damaging information I'd learned about the cult from an extremely credible source. She wanted no part of this information and absolutely refused to listen to me. What I'd learned is that a former member of the cult, a young woman who'd been my sister's roommate for a time, had been raped by the guru. I'd also learned (from people who'd been investigating this particular cult since the 90s) is that he was a known sexual predator (probably a narc or sociopath) who had preyed on the young women who'd joined this group. Supposedly he had sexually exploited hundreds of them over the years.

This was actually only the tip of the iceberg of what I learned. When all of this happened, 30+ former instructors in the cult had filed a class action lawsuit against the guru. It was heart breaking to read how he'd taken all of this money and used it to go big game hunting and high rolling in Vegas. He drove a Hummer. This was the same guru who preached to his followers against becoming preoccupied with material wealth. He promised that those who devoted their life to him, would receive enlightenment upon their death - his spirit would be there to usher them to another realm where they would escape the cycle of reincarnation and go directly to nirvana.

My sister bought this completely, and after six years in the group, was so brainwashed that she would become enraged when I tried to talk to her about the lawsuit, and the rapes, and everything I'd learned. This is when I realized that she needed professional help to get out of there, and I started looking into finding a cult exit strategist (the modern term for "deprogrammer"). My family and many friends all got involved with the intervention - every single person had been worried about her for years and thought that the organization she worked for was actually a cult. They turned out to be right.

A couple of months before the intervention, and after the two screaming matches I'd had with her on the phone (when I'd tried to talk to her about what I learned about the cult and she wasn't having it), I started seeing the first signs that she had changed. I remember specifically that it was when we were making arrangements to travel to a wedding that summer, and I was getting a rental car for us to use. She became uncharacteristically difficult, selfish and petty during these arrangements, and it seemed so odd and out of character that I didn't know what was going on. Unfortunately it wasn't just a one time thing, but instead became typical for how she interacted with me in future - petty, difficult, selfish and cold.

Prior to that incident with the rental car, we had no issues and got along extremely well. She referred to me as her "soul mate" and her "best friend." People commented that they had never seen any two sisters so close. We were so attuned that it was extremely obvious to me when she first began to change - the same way I assume most people would notice when the person closest to them begins to act in a way that is out of character and not in a good way.


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RamblingRose

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2016, 03:06:42 PM »
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I only joined this forum today, and I just posted about how I've recently gone NC with my BPD sister. We were very close, too. And like you, I felt that she changed. She became a person whom I did not recognize.

You are not alone.

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NewFreedom

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2016, 08:57:50 PM »
IAmReady,

It is very hard to let go of a sister like that... I spoke about going NC with my NPD sister in a previous thread, and I do miss certain things about her very much. I don't think we were as close as you and your sister, but we definitely were close and did a lot of things together. My feelings towards my NPD sister evolved over a period of about two years, before the final straw. My family experienced a couple of tragic events where I was able to see her "true colors" and ever since then I just kept noticing things. The final straw was that I tried to simply express myself to her- something she did that hurt my feelings- and she blew up on me and ended up not coming to my wedding. Now, I am fully convinced of her NPD and have no desire to have a relationship with her.

It's hard because I do love the times we had together and I really miss having my whole family together. (It's only been about 7 months, though). But, the relief of not having to deal with her is much better than any of the good times we had. Unfortunately...

Hope this helps.

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SpringLight

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2016, 10:09:56 PM »
To IAmReady:

First of all, my empathy and sympathy to you for feeling sick and alone. I hope you are feeling much better today.

How vulnerable we all feel when we are that sick.  :-\ It's made that much worse when you are we are experiencing an awful array of symptoms, bad enough to contemplate going to the ER/hospital. 

For future reference (and I hope this never happens again to you), it's possible you were suffering from a migraine. As you may or may not know, a migraine is so much more than a "bad headache."  In fact, migraine is NOT a "headache" and typically won't respond to OTC meds. The bug spray may or may not have been the catalyst/trigger. Obviously, don't settle for a medical diagnosis from your new online friend SpringLight ;D ; but do check in with your physician about this episode.  The symptoms you list sound like ones I get when I have had migraines. (Not every migraine and not every migraine sufferer is the same, however.)

Given how poorly you felt, and your recent split with your boyfriend, it's completely understandable that you would call your sister. Don't beat yourself up for that! You were and (still are) feeling vulnerable.

I've read some of your first posts about your ex, and he sounds a lot like my ex-H, from many years ago. (I also come from a family with lots of N's and a BPDsis.)  I was living far away from my family, across the country, for the entire duration of my marriage. THAT PART (the distance) was really good. How I miss those days, now! Unfortunately, the man  to whom I was married was a mix of the PD's and family attributes of the family of origin that (I thought) I had left behind.   :aaauuugh:

I've never had a "best friend" relationship with any of my siblings, although as a young girl, I always hoped I would.  :-\

However, I can certainly relate to what you are feeling. 

I did have a very close friend/coworker with whom something somewhat similar happened. Except it wasn't a cult, it was alcohol abuse and some street drug "experimentation"; the coworker/friend was already diagnosed bipolar disorder. A number of friends and I staged an intervention after months of watching her risky (often public) behavior. I ended up feeling I really had to take decisive action to save her life, after I heard some of the frightening behavior. I contacted her sister to let her know what friends and I had observed. This coworker and the sister were EXTREMELY CLOSE (although distant geographically), and the sister, who knew about the bipolar diagnosis was EXTREMELY GRATEFUL and relieved that I made that phone call to her. 

That intervention was successful, I suppose, but only up to a point.  For a short  while, my friend seemed to sober up.

But, my friend never forgave me for contacting her sister.  (Of course, meanwhile, the sister said to me over and over, that by contacting her for the intervention, I saved my friend's life. ) 

My coworker/friend said, after the initial shock  she was glad her sister knew about her problems (that wasn't the problem). The problem was that according to my alcohol-abusing friend, I should have notified HER first that I was going to notify hersister.  :stars: 

Six months later, I learned the coworker friend was back partying and engaging in reckless behavior.  Taking bipolar meds (or not?) with massive amounts of alcohol and who knows what other drugs.  At that point, I moved on to a new job, and also just couldn't cope with the drinking and drug drama.  We then grew apart. 

I missed my friend terribly in the beginning, when she seemed initially to sober up. Of course, I questioned myself about what I did. Did I overstep a boundary by contacting the sister?

But then I became angry. I was angry that she "couldn't forgive me" for doing something to save her life.  Especially since she said she was ultimately fine with her sister knowing; that it was a good thing.  I was angry that she was had no empathy for those of us who were worried to death about her!

I think I realized, (as YOU are beginning to realize with your sister, that there is more going here on than an intervention.)  It sounds as if she's trying to punish you, retaliate.

She's insecure enough in the yoga cult that she really needed her "soul mate's" approval. But if she's NPD, your disapproval and criticism will be threatening to her. 

If she's NPD, she won't even have the empathy to consider YOUR feelings--the worry you had for her, as well as the hurt you are feeling at being left out in the cold.

For her, I imagine it's like you've cast doubt on her worth as a human being-- for being a follower of this cult. Of course, you haven't, and you didn't do that.  :sadno:

I can't possibly know what the future will be between you and your sister. But, for now, the bottom line would be: how can you  (OR ANYONE) have any closeness or trust with someone one won't affirm what you did (or didn't do) to "deserve" being treated so coldly?  If you can't have an opportunity to "clear the air", what kind of relationship can you expect to have?
« Last Edit: October 02, 2016, 10:12:38 PM by SpringLight »

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Unvitation to Drama

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Re: Letting go. It is so hard.
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2016, 07:02:56 PM »
Well, I think the intervention about the cult has resulted in a Narcissistic Rage/Narcissistic Injury type of situation. The cult became her "sense of self" and you called it "BAD" therefore you called her "BAD" and bruised her Narcissistic EGO.  You used to be her soul mate?  Now you are NOTHING to her. I've attached a blog post.

Confronting a Narcissist With His Own Behavior: What Will Happen?

Written by Alexander Burgemeester on January 31, 2014 · 46 Comments
Should you confront a narcissist? What happens if you do confront him or her? Does the proverbial kitten really turn into a lion? Answers to those questions depend on the circumstances and the people involved. Before you decide to confront someone with a personality disorder, you need to ask yourself,”What is the outcome I am hoping for?”
 
Reason for Confrontation
If you have just discovered that your partner or parent is a narcissist, you may have a strong urge to confront them with that information in the hopes that they will recognize themselves in what you describe and be remorseful for the pain they have caused. If that is the outcome you expect, then you will be disappointed.
The narcissist’s sense of self has not developed beyond that of a young child and cannot cope with a truth that shows them to be less than perfect. Unlike alcoholics or other abusers who may eventually “see the light”, a narcissist just does not have the ability to look inside himself and perceive the truth. Self-reflection is not a tool in the narcissist’s toolbox of skills.
 
Before considering strategies about how to confront a narcissist, take a look at what you want out of the interaction. If you are looking for equality in your relationship, acceptance, or significance in his or her eyes, it is recommended that you simply move on. If you are looking for those outcomes you will invest excessive amounts of time and energy but with a minimum likelihood of success.
If you feel you are in a position where you have little or no choice (example: married and cannot leave for financial or religious reasons) except to confront a narcissist, then read on.
Reaction to Confrontation
What can you expect when you do confront a narcissist? Generally, they will resort to narcissistic rage (explosive or passive-aggressive) or denial. He or she may become enraged, deny everything, call you a liar, twist reality, blame you and then play the victim. You may be the recipient of rage and aggression or the victim of The Silent Treatment. It is also common for him or her to project everything you say about them on to you. For example, if you confront them about infidelity, they will turn it around and claim that you must be the one who cheated for you to even bring it up.  If you are strong enough to cope with this treatment, then go ahead and use the strategies below to confront him (or her). If you are hoping for a permanent, positive change in their behavior, more disappointment or pain is likely on the way.
Narcissistic Rage
Why do they go into a “narcissistic rage”? They become enraged because they believe they are perfect and beyond reproach. They cannot accept any sort of disagreement, criticism or accountability for their actions. “Narcissists react with narcissistic rage to narcissistic injury”.
“Narcissistic injury” is any threat (real or imagined, no matter how slight) to the narcissist’s grandiose self-perception as perfect or omnipotent. They perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical remark as abject humiliation. Narcissists desire perfection so even the slightest challenge to that self-perception is seen as a threat. Thus, the over-reaction. They react defensively and become indignant, aggressive and emotionally detached. They “devalue” the person who criticized, disagreed or dared to confront them about their behavior. By devaluing that person, narcissists minimize the impact of the threat to their self worth.  The devalued individual is likely to be subjected to severe and continual emotional harassment, guilt and blame, and to abuse (verbal and physical).
 
“Narcissistic rage” is a reaction to a perceived (real or imagined) slight, criticism, disagreement or confrontation. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury. Narcissistic rage can come in one or both types: explosive and passive-aggressive.
1. Explosive – The narcissist erupts like a volcano, attacks everyone around him, causes damage to objects or people, and is highly abusive.
2. Passive-Aggressive – The narcissist sulks, gives The Silent Treatment, and makes plans on how to punish the person. They are malicious and vengeful. They harass, disturb, sabotage and damage the work or possessions of the transgressors.
How to Confront?
According to Sam Vaknin, self-proclaimed narcissist and author of Malignant Self-Love, the simplest way is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him. The threat to abandon can be vague and doesn’t have to be conditional (“If you do/ don’t do something – I will leave you”). When you confront a narcissist, you must be insistent and shout back. He or she can be controlled by the exact weapons that he uses to overpower others.
Their fear of abandonment overshadows almost everything else in a narcissist’s life. For example, if he gets emotionally close to someone he begins to fear that abandonment is inevitable. That causes him to act cruel and distance himself which often results in the abandonment that he feared. It is the narcissist’s paradox to which also holds the key to confronting and coping with the narcissist. If he engages in narcissistic rage – rage back at him. This inflames the fear of being abandoned and consequently quiets and calms him. He will try to make amends, immediately moving from one end of the emotional spectrum (cold, angry, cynical, and cruel) to the other end of the spectrum (warm, loving, optimistic and kind).
Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words back to him: If he threatens you – threaten him back. If he leaves the house – you leave the house. If he acts suspicious – you act suspicious. Descend to his level and use criticism, degrading comments and humiliation. Mirror his image back to him and the narcissist will always retreat.
Narcissists can cause negative and harmful effects to us. They are superficial individuals whose self-worth often stems from their behavior toward their partner, family and friends. To successfully and effectively confront a narcissist, your own self-worth must be strong and you need to robustly believe in your right to confront his or her attitude or behavior. Stand up for yourself and confront the narcissist by mirroring his behaviors; by doing this you can regain control and put it back in your court.