I need to leave her

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bayougirl

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I need to leave her
« on: October 03, 2016, 02:50:52 PM »
Hey, I hope someone can help me. I have been with my partner two years. After reading quite a bit on this website I realize I need to leave her. She constantly distrusts me, disrespects me, is jealous in the extreme. Mostly she polices my social media. I am mildly disabled use social media to keep in touch with friends. I am not at all inappropriate with people on social media - your usual friendly, supportive stuff with friends but she makes it out like i'm whoring around with multiple secret affairs. Meanwhile, she's the one who broke up with me one day and had a new girlfriend within days. I was stupid and took her back and it's the same old stuff. She gets mad if women even comment on my selfies and stuff and stays up all night texting me angry texts so i can't even get any sleep which messes with my health. This is abusive, right? She is also never wrong and will never say sorry. if people comment nice comments on my social media she says it is "proof" that I'm "harming" her. I'm so messed up in the head anymore I don't know which end is up and which end is down. I feel like I can't do anything right and everything is my fault. My self-esteem is nothing since I've been with her. I can barely get ready any more because I feel so ugly and self-conscious. She asked me to delete any comments that people say nice things to me, otherwise I was "asking for it." It's like I'm dating some sexist man or something. Last night as i lay in bed in the middle of the night getting her angy text telling me how mean i am it dawned on me she is just slut shaming me full time. If any body has advise I sure could use it. Thanks.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2016, 03:39:41 PM by bayougirl »

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kiwihelen

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Re: I need to leave her
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2016, 03:30:39 PM »
With your disability is there anyone like a social worker you see regularly? Disclose you are in an abusive relationship to them.
Abuse can only happen because it is kept secret. By seeking support you will be able to find local resources and assistance

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bayougirl

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Re: I need to leave her
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2016, 03:37:24 PM »
i'm not that disabled. it's just that social media is my main form of socializing with my friends.

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bayougirl

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Re: I need to leave her
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2016, 03:41:25 PM »
i guess i was hoping that someone on this forum could offer some feedback or advice or personal experience.

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Mehi5

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Re: I need to leave her
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2016, 03:38:11 PM »
Bayougirl,

I am sorry for your current situation.  I have been through the same situation as you many times over.  There is a term for it:  "crazy-making behavior."  It sounds to me as if your partner is currently in a power struggle over you.  First of all, I would like to point out that this is her problem and you are not to take the blame for it.  Her paranoia, her jealousy, and her control.  She is projecting all of these things onto you and making it difficult for you to remain true to yourself.  I know you might feel like you are somehow disrespecting her, thinking that maybe you really are doing something wrong - just by being yourself.  This is how people like your partner take control over another being.  If you truly feel in your heart that you are not disrespecting her then go with your gut on this one.  I think the title of your post says it all.  Our gut is a powerful thing.  It's when we choose not to use it that we get into trouble.

Should you choose to stay:  My advice is to set firm boundaries to keep yourself protected.  It won't be long before you give up every part of what makes you who you are if you allow this to continue.  Facebook is the tip of the iceberg.  If you give in on this, you may find yourself giving up more and more as time goes on just to please your partner.  Boundaries help you remain in control of your own self and prevent someone from taking complete control over you.  They tell your partner what is and isn't acceptable.  If you want to continue staying in contact with your friends via social media, it is your decision and your partner needs to respect that.  It is amazing how people like this always want us to do all of the sacrificing and they get to sit back and watch us break down as if we are their own personal soap opera.

My second thought, is if your partner is making something so big out of something so small, what underlying issues are there with her own self esteem and the way she views your relationship?  That is very good question to ask yourself.

My third thought, is if your partner will not allow you to be yourself, are you sure you should remain in a relationship where you must change yourself in order to please someone else?  Especially if that means not holding true to your own morals and values?

I have been involved with someone like this for 7 years.  It has taken me many years to finally recognize the red flags that were so obvious in the beginning.  Now we have two children and a mortgage.  I am so entangled that I don't know which way is up.  I gave in to the little things at first - just like you.  I removed myself from social media, pushed away all of my friends and family, hardly left the house unless it was with her, and "thought" I was doing the right thing that would make her happy.  Turns out, nothing truly made her happy.  What made her angry yesterday did not make her angry the next.  But still, I gave her complete control and lost myself in the process.  Now I am not sure who I am anymore.  After many years of emotional abuse, I am now barely able to take baby steps out into a world that seemed to have gone on without me in it. 

If I had asked myself the above questions years ago, I would not be in my current situation.  I would have recognized that she was suffocating me slowly. 

Remember, you are special in your own way.  You have a valuable sense of self that you should protect at all costs.  Someone out there in the world (albeit a very small world for people like us) wants a relationship built on mutual trust, empathy, and respect.  A relationship where you support each other, lift each other up in the bad times, and always smile when they walk in a room.  Without trust, there is no foundation to build upon.

Someone in your life loves you for who you are.  Think of someone in your life that allows you to be yourself no matter what.  Someone who does not judge you, supports you, and allows you to be free.  This could be a friend, family member, dog, cat, whatever.  That is your Constant.  Now, compare your Constant to the person you are with.  What do you see?  How does she compare?  If you brought a child into the world, would you want your child to be involved with someone like that?  Or even be around a person like that?

Stay strong my friend.  You are capable of handling this.  I will be around to listen should you wish to vent.  :bighug: