Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!

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goodgirl

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Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« on: October 05, 2016, 03:00:54 PM »
LONG story short, just did credit checks on my elderly Alzheimer's dad because his doctor's office was hacked (by Ukrainian hackers!), and discovered a credit card Mom and Dad didn't recognize with an $8,000+ balance.  Again, long story short, they finally recalled that they helped NBro get a credit card some years back, but didn't know it still existed, much less had a balance, or that it was under Dad's SS (Dad and NBro have the same name).

So I've been playing the kind and neutral moderator as much as possible (while internally p*ssed at NBro).  (I'm my parents DPOA). While parents have in the past definitely helped NBro out of all kinds of hardships, this seems to have uncharacteristically pushed them over the edge and they want this thing settled NOW.

Meanwhile, my NBro is playing it like it's no big deal, he's paying on the card (which is true, although it's the minimum balance every month, so the balance is actually growing), and he wants me to convince them to just let things go as they are to "avoid further upset."  He claims he could pay the card off now, but he doesn't want to because his wife's job was eliminated just today (what a coincidence).

Before I could respond to him, Mom called me to see if NBro had paid off the card yet.  I told her he hadn't, and tentatively told her how he'd like to just keep  it as-is, paying it off gradually.  And she -- who for years has coddled and protected him and made excuses, and who I expected to say "well, that's okay" -- she interrupted me and said NO, she and Dad both want this taken care of now.  She apologized for putting me into the middle of it, but I said I'd take care of it.

So now I'm crafting my response to NBro, and I'm just getting angrier and angrier:  my husband is coaching me on how to respond so that NBro doesn't get angry and accuse me of going after him and make things uglier.  And I get that, I do.  But hub's thinks I should reiterate how sorry I am this all came up, and how this never would have happened but for the hackers, and nobody thinks he did anything wrong. 

Frankly, I just don't think I can do that.  I want to stay neutral, and I've been VERY careful to not criticize NBro to the parents OR to him.  And I don't want another big ugly flare-up from him.  But I am literally sick at my stomach today over this whole thing, and I am SICK of jumping through  hoops, worrying about what will upset poor little (54-yo older) NBro.

« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 01:24:14 PM by Bloomie »

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goodgirl

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Re: Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2016, 05:49:37 PM »
UPDATE:  so i sent that response, and since then it's been a back and forth where basically he wants me to tell the parents that everything is fine and already taken care of.  Basically over and over and over.  I've asked him to call them and come to an agreement, said that I will say that HE says he will take care of it ASAP.  But I do not want to lie to my parents.  My last text to him was to please talk to them and work it out between them, because I don't want to be in the middle.  He just responded and I'm afraid to look because I know it's gonna be ugly.

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lkdrymom

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Re: Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2016, 06:15:55 PM »
Why are you the go between in all of this. Why aren't your parents calling him directly?   Tell your parents what he said and if they don't like it direct them to take matters into their own hands. You have done all your can do.

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goodgirl

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Re: Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2016, 01:27:46 PM »
I'm the messenger because I manage their finances:  I'm DPOA, Dad (90) has Alzheimer's, and Mom (88) has bad depression and doesn't understand anything about money or finances.  While Dad can still understand a lot, he has a hard time communicating on the phone; he's very hard of hearing, his speech can be difficult to make and to understand, as he's paralyzed on the left side from a stroke 12 years ago. 

I am trying to punt this back to Mom and Dad, as I want it clear that it's their decision -- Dad's really, as it's his credit record -- how things should be handled.  But ultimately if there's action to take, I'm the one who will have to do it on their behalf.

Update:  so apparently last night, NBro waited until Dad had gone to bed to phone and told Mom that he was just going to keep things as-is and there was nothing to worry about.  Mom just wants it all to be over, so told me this morning that this was NBro's "plan" and then asked me if that was okay.  I said yes, as long as he doesn't default on the card, he's not wrong that it shouldn't hurt them.  But then I talked to Dad, and he was still insistent that he wants NBro OFF his credit report.  So I told him he needs to talk directly to NBro and insist on that, because his response to me is just "no, I don't want to."

I'm feeling better about it today:  I told Dad that I will act on his behalf as he wants and do what he asks in order to resolve this.   And any other communication with NBro, I'm emphasizing that I am strictly acting on Dad's behalf at his request.

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Bloomie

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Re: Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2016, 01:30:20 PM »
goodgirl - what a tough spot to be in. It sounds like your dad may not be able to directly address this himself, but is your mom able to speak for herself and talk to your brother about this? After all, she is one of the ones who entered into this original agreement with him and may know first hand what the agreement was.

The thing that does really matter is that this will impact your parent's credit rating because it sounds like the card history is actually connected to your father, not your brother - every convenient for your brother's credit rating and not so much for your parents'.

I hope you can find a way to remove yourself from the middle of this.

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Bloomie

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Re: Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2016, 01:34:12 PM »
Quote from: goodgirl
I'm feeling better about it today:  I told Dad that I will act on his behalf as he wants and do what he asks in order to resolve this.   And any other communication with NBro, I'm emphasizing that I am strictly acting on Dad's behalf at his request.

Goodgirl - I think we posted at the same time! Reading your situation, yes it seems you are your parents' financial agent in this situation as they are vulnerable and unable to protect themselves as they once were, yet still able to communicate their wishes. It seems you have found a good way to approach this with both sides.

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goodgirl

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Re: Need help with NBro and his fraudulent credit card!!!
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2016, 01:56:54 PM »
Awesome update:  At Dad's request, I texted NBro to call Dad, as he had been calling and couldn't get through (i.e., NBro wasn't picking up).  Dad must have given him hell because I got a text later from NBro saying he was "paying the whole goddam thing off this second."  Later I asked him to let me know when he made the payment so Dad could proceed with closing the account; NBro replied that he'd already paid and closed up the account.  So yay!

Now of course he could totally be lying (and I honestly won't be shocked if he is), but that will come out in the wash the next time we run the credit check, and then he will have to defend himself for straight-up lying.

Thanks so much for the responses!  I expect to get more ugly feedback from brother about this, but I think in this one case, NBro actually crossed a line for my parents, and I'm kinda thrilled my dad seemed to have pushed back HARD.