Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting

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littlemisssunshine

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Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« on: October 06, 2016, 06:07:32 AM »
This really triggered me and I am struggling with what to do, the same i am always right colleague i wrote on here about before called out in a team meeting that I had completed some stats incorrectly. This called into question the complete set of stats we were talking about, i bluster ed and said something stupid like we'll i must have done them all wrong. When I got back to my work station and checked the stats i was correct and showed my line manager.

I am trying to grey rock around the person but am struggling she called out in front of all my team mates why didn't I say hello to her yesterday and later when a supervisor made a friendly comment about me within my earshot she was dismissive and nasty about me, what do i do to get off her radar.

My parents gas lighted me a lot so that's why it made me panic it's the feeling of losing reality.

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clara

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2016, 02:04:09 PM »
I can pretty much guarantee that others are aware of how she is.  People like her don't settle on targeting just one person.  Since they have to feel right all of the time, they'll target almost anyone who questions them or does something that threatens their ego.  When she makes comments on your behavior, don't answer it.  You don't owe her an answer or an explanation, and doing grey rock is the best because if you give her nothing, she gets nothing.  And since she has to constantly "prove" herself, she'll move on.  The fact that your supervisor said something nice about you to her, which pissed her off and cause her to say something, shows that your supervisor is likely aware of what she's doing and made the comment to push her button--see what she'd said.  And she was true to form because, naturally, she can't back down off of her high horse. 

I would also bet that she's not much good as an employee.  People like her usually aren't--they're all talk and little or no show.  She may get away with her behavior for awhile but eventually push comes to shove.  Work isn't a social club, after all.

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littlemisssunshine

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2016, 07:10:59 PM »
Thank you for helping me get through, i really appreciate your kind and helpful advice xxx

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clara

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2016, 12:26:47 PM »
Thanks, sunshine!  Put up with garbage like that for more years than I can remember in the department I worked for.  It really wore me down but at my lowest point, I decided that I'm not going to be anyone's victim and I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of throwing in the towel.  I stuck it out to show them that they can't control everyone and can't always get their way.   I was going to protect myself first and foremost and that's what I did.  It was hard at first but got easier over time.  Pathetic what we sometimes have to put up with in the workplace, isn't it?!

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Daughter 15

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2016, 12:39:10 PM »
I agree with Clara. Your colleagues and boss have likely picked up on it. She tries to make you look bad but people who make displays like that only bring attention to their bad behavior. She's making more of a fool of herself than she's trying to make of you. Try not to feed the beast by showing fear or panic. It sounds like you have a better handle on it than you give yourself credit for. The gray rock approach you're using is perfect. She feeds on reactions. When she stops getting reaction, she'll move on. I'm sorry you have to deal with that everyday. I know how hard it is to pretend to be unaffected when it has you panicked on the inside. It's a horrible feeling. For your sake, I hope her behavior becomes self-defeating and she winds up getting herself fired.
You'll end up really disappointed if you expect people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

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all4peace

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2016, 02:35:21 PM »
I don't know if this is gaslighting, but I had a colleague claim to my boss and HR director that I was making a lot of mistakes. I asked her how many. Many times a week. How bad? Bad enough to constantly have supervisors complaining, according to her. Of course I make mistakes, but not a chance I was making that many or making them that badly with her not saying a word, and nobody else saying a word, and my supervisor not saying a word. I asked her to start logging them so I could get to the bottom of what my "errors" were, straight faced, calmly, earnestly. Guess how many "errors" showed up in her log? Yeah. I'd recommend calling it out in a way that makes you look professional and not defensive.

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Adrianna

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2016, 07:39:00 PM »
Oh God yes this has happened to me. In a meeting with the ubpd coworker she told the boss that I do all of the things she does! It was like a parallel reality. I got really worked up to defend myself because it was so outrageous. I don't know if they believed her or not but I've never seen such a twisted version of reality. It was truly bizarre and unsettling. I'd never seen such boldfaced lies in front of me. Then again, her mind was such that maybe she believed them herself.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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littlemisssunshine

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2016, 05:51:09 AM »
A little update, well last week I decided to book a half day holiday so I would miss the weekly roast of littlemisssunshine thinking a break from this meeting would reset her mind not to pick on me in the next one. Guess what, i went to the meeting this week and not only did she ragged me out again but the rest of the team agreed with her about a process. I asked another team manager if I was doing a certain process correctly and the answer was yes this manager indicated my whole team were doing the process incorrectly. Well I sat there grey rock throughout the whole thing, but i am getting sick to the stomach of her stunts, every team meeting she rags me out in front of the whole team it'slike Iiam allowing her to devalue  my worth i am sick of her.

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AmericanWoman

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2016, 07:30:05 PM »
Is there anyway you can start sending out your resume's and see if you can find something more friendly and less stressful?

Sounds like a lot to go through and life is so short.  I have had it happen many years ago - what worked for me is just to say nothing and smile.  Of course, in your job that may not be possible.  Usually, if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves. 

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Adrianna

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2016, 07:55:49 PM »
I second the idea of looking around for another job. It can't hurt. I know that by the time I got burned out with toxic workplace I had seen so many jobs that I didn't apply for because I wasn't ready. Well those jobs are long gone and I'm still looking. I've been ready for 10 months now and still at toxic job.  Keep your options open.

As far as giving someone enough time and they'll get caught eventually, that could take a very long time, depending on how toxic your workplace is. A lot of managers, especially at dysfunctional companies with no HR dept., look the other way on these things.  I speak from experience.

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2016, 12:02:12 PM »
Stay strong. They will eventually show themselves to everyone.  Just remain professional and patient.  I had 4 in my department.  One by one they got fired. You are not her only target. Believe me.

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littlemisssunshine

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #11 on: November 23, 2016, 08:35:10 PM »
Hi guys, well i finally got the courage to speak to my manager about it but he basically said unless I called it bullying there is nothing he can do. In other words he won't help me. The problem remains and she's now recruiting a little army of b****y women who are being nasty about me to one another around me, i can see them whispering and pointing it getting a bit farcical really. Any ideas on next moves? I'm thinking of getting some advice from my union reps. Thank you all for any advice you can share.

I think i may have exacerbated the situation by calling out the ringleader when you started being nasty to me, her and the army have been worse since I decided I wasn't going to be bullied.

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Laurie

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #12 on: November 25, 2016, 10:23:59 AM »
Things often get worst before they get better when it comes to standing up to people.  They will keep trying to test the boundaries, but eventually things should improve.

If there is any way you can enlist the help of the manager who said you were doing things correctly, or others who could back you up, that might be helpful.  I've had success by calling a meeting with more knowledgeable experts who can set the record straight in similar situations.
"If you can cut yourself – your mind – free of what other people do and say…and what the whirling chaos sweeps in from outside…then you can spend the time you have left in tranquility. And in kindness. And at peace with the spirit within you. " ~ Marcus Aurelius

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Adrianna

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Re: Have you ever been gas lighted by a colleague in a meeting
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2016, 03:58:48 PM »
I agree. I'd bring it to your manager again. You're dealing with retaliation from posing a complaint and that's unfair. I would also talk to the union. That's good that you're in one. I hope you can find some resolution to this.

Your boss is saying that there is no legal definition of bullying (has to be based on race, sex, etc...complicated) but that doesn't mean what's going on is all right. 

ps. Some people really are assholes. Sorry you are going through this.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.