Things that are not appropriate for children

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123banana

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Things that are not appropriate for children
« on: October 07, 2016, 06:57:34 PM »
Is this common in a dysfunctional family, or is it just me?

I had a really weird childhood.

During the few years between my dad moving out, and my mom meeting my stepdad, weird stuff happened.

My mom, sister and I had a relationship that was more between three teenage friends than between a mom and her young 7-12ish) daughters. She would gossip to us a lot and tell us about her crushes and sex life. My sister said she had a crush too. I didn't want to be left out, as I had no interest in boys so I made one up myself.

We would watch a lot of TV together that was definitely not appropriate for children, the odd horror film, but mostly comedies and stuff that are full of dirty jokes and are about people wanting to have lots of sex.

I found my dad's abandoned porn stash in a box in their closet, when I was about 9 and snooping around for Christmas presents. My mom found it amusing that my sister and I were interested in looking at it, and never stopped it happening, she just told us not to show any of our friends. She would even sit there in the room, while we got it out and looked, without batting an eyelid. Our drawings at around this time were explicit. She found this hilarious, and just told us not to do it at school.

This stopped after she met my PD stepdad, never to be mentioned by any of us ever again, as if it had never happened.

My younger siblings were not allowed to watch stuff like that on TV, but they were allowed to watch horror movies at a young age. A really young age. Unlike most three year olds, who might want their favourite cartoon or Disney movie played over and over again, for them, it was horror movies. My now teenage brother was obsessed with horror movies and violence (and he still is), but my other siblings lost interest and by the age of about 6 they were into normal child things like cartoons (except for Family Guy). Mom never did anything to stop it, she put them on as if it was the most normal thing in the world for a three year old to be watching Nightmare on Elm Street every day, and buying them video games rated for 18 year olds at five. My stepdad found it amusing, he would introduce them to new horror movies from his own personal collection, thinking of which ones they might like best.


What even is this??

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looloo

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2016, 07:51:10 PM »
Just the opinion of a non-professional, so take this with a grain of salt:

At the least, it's negligent parenting.  It shows no innate sensitivity to how a child might absorb that kind of stimulus.  There doesn't seem to be any instinctive desire to protect a child from viewing something that is undeniably disturbing and/or age inappropriate.

At the worst, this behavior is a form of grooming.  Making this kind of thing seem like "no big deal", like it's perfectly normal, makes it harder for children to know when their boundaries are being treaded on, and possibly violated.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Daughter 15

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2016, 08:41:47 PM »
I had something very similar in my home. I was exposed to my father's porn by the time I was three years old. Enmom turned a blind eye and acted like she saw nothing. NF exposed us to movies with sex and violence at very young ages. Enmom never encouraged it but she totally denied what was going on through her actions. She always acted oblivious, as if it was all perfectly normal. I wish I could help you wrap your mind around it but I don't understand it myself!
You'll end up really disappointed if you expect people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

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Sandstone

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2016, 08:56:15 PM »
Glad im not alone with this.
I found my uBDPm vibrator and Nf porn aged 7.
My m had s*x with a man in bed while holding my hand and made out with another guy while i sat and watched. Other times i just happen to walk in on her in the act with men.
They used to tell me inappropriate sexual jokes and play songs with sexual content in them. They would find it funny and tell me to listen to the words. I was about 4.
M used to talk to me and confide in me about adult things when i was 7.
Weirdly i remember watching horrors from a young age too. Sometimes i think its when i used to be left alone while they went to the pub and it was just what was on tv late on.

God knows what go through their heads.

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JG65

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2016, 11:37:10 PM »
Exposing children to porn is a form of sexual abuse.   

People with narcissistic personality disorder are at higher risk compared to the rest of the population to sexually abuse their children.  They have no empathy, poor boundaries and they don't see their children as separate individuals, but rather more like an extension of themselves.

My dNPD father sexually abused me when I was a child.   I was exposed to porn at my grandfather's house, but that was nothing compared to what my father did to me.   

Sounds like many of us had some very inappropriate and damaging experiences as children.
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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Orangecounty

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2016, 02:40:25 PM »
Yes, I can relate to this. My experiences weren't as extreme as some of the other responses on here but damaging none the less. My mom did allow us to watch very inappropriate movies from a very young age, I remember watching Terminator 3 when I was in grade 3. Actually by the time I was 13 and technically old enough to watch pg-13, I remember thinking I had already watched those movies for years.

My parents were divorced and my mom started dating not long after my parents had separated and I remember her just being very inappropriate in font of us with her boyfriend, making out and french kissing right in front of us, we were only 8 years old. She made us sleep over at her new boyfriend's place and would share a room with him and leave out her lace thongs in plain view. I know compared to what others have gone through, this may not sound that bad but it left me feeling not at all secure and safe. I just felt very very uncomfortable. My dad was also seeing someone but was so careful around us. I think our parents are just so self absorbed that they don't even think for a second about how this may be affecting their children.

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Daughter 15

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2016, 04:12:18 PM »
Orangecounty, I would've felt weirded out and icky about the underwear too. It actually made me remember something else with my parents. Enmom used to put on NF's button up shirt when she got home from work. She wouldn't wear a bra under it and would unbutton it very far down her chest so that her breast were exposed to me and my brother. I remember, at a very young age, crawling into her lap and buttoning her shirt up because it made me uncomfortable. I couldn't have been more than five or six. I think NF had her dress that way for him. It didn't seem to bother them that it was inappropriate in front of us.
You'll end up really disappointed if you expect people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

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123banana

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2016, 06:59:25 PM »
It was weird, I did not feel icky about it in the slightest and at the time, I was an enthusiastic participant, and then after this stage had passed, I pushed it out and denied it ever happened. Every time I thought about it, I didn't dwell on it, I just forced myself to think of something else as I felt so ashamed and dirty. My mom has been gone four years and now it has all started to come out and now I feel really icky about it. I think I am just in a better place to think about things now.

My sister and I were the creepiest kids ever because of it. Our drawings were explicit, and we were a bit obsessed with sexual topics. Can you believe that one day when my mom told me she had sex while we were at school, I excitedly ran upstairs to look around the bedroom because I heard from one of the weird comedies we watched, that sex had a smell to it. I also asked if I could watch next time. I was 9. Thankfully she told me no, because it was illegal.

We never acted like this around other children or anything, it was purely an in the house thing.

Its strange, because despite having all of these conversation about very personal things, I was avoidant of her attention in every other way. I would brush off falling over, and would hide feeling ill (except for the occasional time I wanted a day off school, especially as a teenager). I made a huge fuss out of everything at school and bugged my teachers endlessly for attention. If I was getting picked on, I would go to teachers for help, until they said they would speak to my mom, and I got upset and begged them not to. I just didn't feel comfortable getting sympathy from family. I wouldn't tell her anything personal about myself, I wouldn't tell her about my day at school, or what music I liked, or what my friends were called. Most of our conversations were about plots of TV shows, everything else was not truthful. The little boy my age I had a crush on, who eventually became my boyfriend? He did not exist and I was not interested in dating at that age. I pretended to point him out, of a random crowd of kids, but the kid I pointed at was someone I had never met. I am convinced I had some kind of attachment disorder.

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chajs

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2016, 11:52:24 PM »
My uNPD also entertained, especially me, with her love conquests from I was 11-12 years old. During conversations (she would do all the talking, I would be the willing listener), she treated me more as a friend her own age than a kid.

When I was 13, she decided to have her first lesbian experience. While she and her friend were in the bedroom, I had to babysit my own siblings as well as the friend's 3 kids - all the while knowing what went on the bedroom as my mother had duly informed me  :sadno:

She also let me watch age inappropriate TV while I was very young, later she decided that the less TV the better, we had to read books, so she gave me adult books from I was 11 (popular topics like Freud and penis envy...), books that I didn't yet have the emotional development nor experience to really understand.

The rest of the time though, I was the in-house servant. From I was 10-11, it was my job to get my siblings up in the morning, bathed, dressed, feed them breakfast, make their lunches, take them to daycare/school, pick them up later, help them with their homework (even if she was a teacher!), do the shopping, quite often the cooking, and clean the entire house, her bedroom included. She also sent me to participate in school meetings for my siblings on her behalf until the school put an end to it, and said that I couldn't attend the parent meetings (I was a student at the same school myself, it was humiliating facing my own teachers and discussing my siblings' educational progress with them).

Meanwhile, she was busy living her life, her boyfriends, her friends, her clothes shopping, busy with her studies. She was already a school teacher, but felt the work was beneath her talents and not least her intelligence, so she wanted a Masters' Degree and be a true academic.

She never respected any boundaries, we weren't allowed to have them. She would barge into the bathroom even when one of us were on the toilet, she would read my diaries, she would monitor us closely and somehow always know everything about us. She used ridicule and things that were embarrassing (quite a few when you're a teenager) she would be very vocal about, causing further embarrassment. I remember one time at a family party she said in a high voice: oh you didn't shave your legs closely enough - they're all hairy and it shows through your pantyhose - to much laughter from those around us, while I just wanted to die! (I looked down, didn't see a single hair but it was something I was always self conscious about as I have dark hair).

Feelings and talk about feelings were banned. We all grew up without an emotional vocabulary and with poor insight into our own feelings. For my part (being the SG), crying was forbidden. At best she would frown, at worst she would ridicule my tears or simply hit me.

She used to entertain me with how I was an unwanted child, and how she had tried to provoke an abortion. Since that didn't happen, she had to marry my father and my birth had ruined her life and put an end to the career she wanted. At times she would say that I was a foundling (she had taken in) as I couldn't possibly share (her superior) genes.

Even if I always knew that it wasn't a normal upbringing and that the household was highly dysfunctional (and I did ask the authorities to remove me from home when I was 15, to no avail as on the outside everything looked good and well polished and middle class families couldn't possibly have their children removed...), it wasn't till my early 40s that a therapist told me I had been subjected to serious parental neglect - I finally had a label to describe it. Later on, I have watched a lot of documentaries and shows dealing with parenting and to this day it surprises me how different a normal childhood looks from what we experienced.




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Sesame

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2016, 11:21:47 PM »
123banana, apart from finding your dad's porn stash (all the inappropriateness came from my uBPDNmum in my case), I relate to pretty much everything you described. I have no idea if it's common to all dysfunctional families, but a lot of it definitely sounds like covert sexual abuse. I was young and naive once, though. So I mistakenly felt proud of my `cool' mum who can hang out with kids my age. It was only when I got older that I started to feel deeply uncomfortable and disturbed by this, but couldn't explain why.

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35andnewlife

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Re: Things that are not appropriate for children
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2016, 12:09:05 PM »
My mom would make me come in and talk to her while she was in the bathtub, while of course she was fully naked. My dad would walk around the house in his tighty whities underwear well into my 20's, often in front of my ex-H. Does that count?  :aaauuugh: