My worlds been turned upside down and right side up. Finding my footing.

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Rachelwolf

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I need to vent.

wow.

Almost two years ago I started to realize my parents were incredibly toxic. I mean i'd known my mother was depressed and on meds and that my father was an emotionally shut down a-hole but failed to see just how much that effected me and also that much of their behavior was simply unacceptable.

my girlfriend pointed out how much more at ease I was when i was away from them also how screwed up interactions she'd witnessed between me and them were.

So flash forward a couple months after I did a lot of reading on personality disorders and processed some of their behavior I made the choice to go no contact. Holy cow. They both threw tantrums and said terrible things. They didn't stop and consider how their own behavior contributed to my decision and just kept trying to get in touch with me. They had no respect.  I told them over and over again how they alwys hurt my feelings with their comments and so that was why I couldn't talk to them and they just kept blaming my girlfriend for the lack of contact and made her the scapegoat. My mom called my cousins to get in touch with me after I blocked her number. The whole thing was a circus. I was always stressed out about it.

Months go bye with intermittent attempts by to send one mean comment or another. In feb 2016 the contact my grlfriend and tell her my mom found a lump on her breast. So we go to their house and break the no contact. In the face of time possibly running out I decide to jump in and make the most out of every interaction and protect myself with all I'd learned in the past year or so.  It was terrible, they just kept trying to play on old patterns and would get pissed when i'd call them out or wouldn't participate. they were like brick walls. Turns out she had stage 1 breast cancer and received radiation then was sent on her way. Crisis averted. My mom kept in touch here and there. we met up a few times and had awkward lunch with little conversation. Phone calls that left me heartbroken. I didn't talk to my father much.  He explained to me he was angry at me for the whole thing. His father died while we weren't speaking and told me he was angry at me for not being there for him. eff him.

Anyway some months of b.s. go bye and in august my mom calls me again and tells me she has a lump on her pancreas and its a big deal. she starts screaming at and question my strength to even be around for the next part. her dying. I tell her she's out of line for speaking to me that way and i'm sorry she received such terrible news. My father calls to yell at me for not to yell at me for no reason. I explain to him that a shitty diagnoses doesn't give you the right to be abusive to somebody.

3 months later she died of stage 4 pancreatic cancer

2 months before she died my brother found my fathers child pornography stash and told me about it. not only that but we found photos of himself photo shopped in with children and our cousins and aunts faces photo shopped onto children's bodies. We always knew something was off about him. we were always afraid of him. Now we knew he is a seriously sick man.

we told no one but our partners. we took care of our mother and avoided our father as best we could.

a week before she died we called the police and turned him in. they came and collected the evidence while my father was gone. I found a suitcase in their attic and rapidly packed up anything i could find that was mine and anything in the attic that meant something to me. My brother took all the family photos off the wall. That was my last time at my childhood home.

she died without ever knowing the truth.

my brother left before her service, I almost didn't go. My father was the only one that spoke beside the pastor. He never mentioned my brother and I. His eulogy was creepy. I slipped out of the church through the back door so I didn't have to see him.

So my toxic mother is dead and i'm heartbroken. I'm grieving.
My father is out of my life, i'll probably have to see him when he's indicted but he is no longer contacting me.

So for all intents and purposes i'm grieving the loss of both my parents.

I'm processing what fucked up people they both were.

The best I can tell they were both NPD. it all fits

the grief is painful

but i also feel incredibly relieved. I don't have to deal with their abusive behavior anymore. I don't have to feel anxious about when the next conversation will be. I am finally free of them.

I know i have a lot to work through but now I feel like i really have a chance at a happy.

It all such a bizarre mix of emotion.





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practical

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Re: My worlds been turned upside down and right side up. Finding my footing.
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2016, 08:44:13 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

This is a lot to have gone through and to process. You now have the peace to do so. There is an article in the Toolbox      about the 5 stages of grief that might help you http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/the-5-stages-of-grief . My M died last year, and it was the moment when I realized despite NC I still had held on to a speck of hope that she would apologize, would love me for who I was - it never happened.

It was incredibly kind and loving of you and your B never to tell your M about your F and what he had done. It shows how despite your upbringing you have grown into a person who is able to love, a strength and clarity of spirit.

The situation with your F, it sounds horrifying. I hope you manage to be in an inner safe place when you have to see him again. He no longer can do anything to you, you are an adult now and no longer dependent on him, which is sometimes hard to realize as we have been raised playing certain roles in our families. I'm very sorry you'll have to face him again.

I hope you take advantage of the resources here, whether it be the various boards or the toolbox, or the book section (see various tabs at the top of this page) as part of your healing journey.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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bhavik

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Re: My worlds been turned upside down and right side up. Finding my footing.
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2016, 06:26:43 PM »
I'm so sorry for the pain you had to deal with over the years.  It sounded like an incredibly tough situation and you are an amazingly strong person to hold your ground. 

It's also amazing that your brother managed to keep your father's secret from your mom.

I hope you find peace now though.  As strange as it sounds, we still grieve for toxic parents.... maybe we grieve more because we lose the chance for apologies from them, or maybe because with their passing we realize we'll never experienced the kind of parental love we should have, that we were force to fend for ourselves and hold our grounds against the people we were supposed to trust and love.  I"m not really sure, but I know we still grieve and feel the loss of PD parents.

It's a very difficult situation.

So yes, all I can say is I hope you find peace soon... and welcome to the Board.   

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bopper

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Re: My worlds been turned upside down and right side up. Finding my footing.
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2016, 06:55:38 PM »
Wow! Welcome and we are sad for your situation but happy you found your boundaries.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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JG65

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Re: My worlds been turned upside down and right side up. Finding my footing.
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2016, 08:05:16 PM »
Rachelwolf,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I see many parallels to my own story.  I'm 51 now.  Last year, after suffering through yet another crisis my father created and getting kicked around by him, I finally cut ties.

I came to realize that his diagnosis with NPD 30 years ago was accurate and that it caused his toxic and sometime strong bizarre behavior, which mostly consists of either attracting negative attention to himself, or shocking people with socially inappropriate behavior. 

I cut contact in August.  I felt guilty but also liberated.  Finally, I no longer had the anticipation of the next health crisis he'd have that he'd expect me to manage while he did all he could to make it a special miserable as possible for me.  I spent time grieving the father I wanted him to be, the father I never had.  I don't grieve for the loss of a relationship with the actual father I have.  My life and my family's life is much better without him.

In spring of this year, I started therapy.  I needed help to figure out whether or not NC should continue.  The answer was yes, but then I started to have flashbacks, nightmares, and various other signs that my father had sexually abused me as a child.  I developed severe PTSD and through eye movement desensitization and recovery, I've made enormous progress in recovering and processing the memories and trauma caused by my father molesting me from around age 6 to 9.

I've come to realize that while my mother seemed like a saint compared to my father, she had issues too and I suspect she may be a covert narcissist.  At best, she was negligent and very immature.  I'm still in contact with her and she and my dad separated more than 20 years ago.

I know how shocking and painful it is to learn your father is a pedophile.  I'm currently considering whether or not to try to press charges against my father. 

For you, you need to grieve the parents you should have had but didn't in addition to the people who were your parents.  I have found that while what my father did to me as a child is incredibly painful, there's also freedom in finally knowing the truth, as horrible as it is. 

I also see this turn of events as my opportunity to finally know and be who I truly am. 

If you haven't tried therapy, it mightn't be very helpful.  I had no idea how damaged I was until I started.  Now, I have a chance at feeling better than I ever did before and finding a level of peace and comfort in my own skin that wouldn't have been possible without facing the truth.

Good luck to you as you work to heal from all you've endured. 
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson