'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house

  • 9 Replies
  • 861 Views
*

WeAreAllATadBitBroken

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 204
'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« on: October 18, 2016, 06:53:04 PM »
after nearly a month of NC i get a text today from uPDf telling me the cat at their house that i had found as a stray in 2009 has passed away.   "thought you should know" was the last half of the text.

i did not respond.

what hurts more than the cat passing is knowing uPDf doesn't care for animals to the most of their ability.   and that cat would have had more years of life under better/more proper care.
unfortunately my living situation when i found the cat meant i could not keep it at my home (and living situation is still the same today), and so it was agreed it would live at uPDf's house.    at the time ex stepabuser also lived there, and pets received better care at the time.

to add, uPDf knows my work hours and knew i would be at work when they sent the text.   this is not the first time i've had to field calls or texts from uPDf at work that cause stress.   the most recent prior was being notified by uPDf while at work that they had hit my child, then screaming at me that i should have been smacked more as a kid when i got upset with them for hitting my kid.

i want to cry.  i'm at work for another 2 hours, then on public transit going home.   then with my daughter all evening.     i can't cry.   
« Last Edit: October 18, 2016, 07:04:51 PM by WeAreAllATadBitBroken »
I know now there is no bargaining with the PD- because via research and experience you learn that when you deal with PD you sure aren't getting a bargain!

*

BentNotBroken

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 308
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2016, 02:50:01 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss.

*

Serendipity12

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 94
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2016, 04:21:26 PM »
Really sorry to hear that.  My Npd mother gave my cat away when I went to university after promising to look after it and it was promptly run over in the road.  I honestly think that she believed that she had the right to do whatever she wanted with it and that I had no right to be upset.  That said, I do now believe that she enjoyed my distress at the time and was careful to 'break the news' in person where she could really see my reaction.  I know how you are feeling.

*

Serendipity12

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 94
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2016, 04:23:02 PM »
In fact, now that I think about it, I wonder how many others of us have had parents use pets as pawns like this? Maybe it deserves a thread of its own! :blink:

*

AmericanWoman

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 250
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2016, 09:49:21 PM »

Very sorry for the loss of your cat, I love cats and dogs too.  It's like a family member.   :sad2:

*

footprint

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 413
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2016, 02:53:49 AM »
I'm really sorry to hear this,WeAreAllaTadBitBroken :( I have many (many!) sad animal stories, including one about a stray dog that I found and my NPD parents ended up taking (really long story there).

These PD parents use the animals, our love for the animals, the deaths of the animals, etc. against us. They are trying to trigger you by telling you about the death, and no doubt expect and or deeply desire your response. The best thing you can do is to not respond and mourn the loss of this little being'x life on your own.

Hugs,
footprint


*

WeAreAllATadBitBroken

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 204
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2016, 04:26:45 PM »
that's exactly what i did footprint, no response whatsoever.   uPDf using the word 'should' in their text really made me think 'there's those controlling behaviours!  using the word should to tell me what i should be doing yet again'.

an added layer on this is the remaining three pets at uPDf's house.  two being considered belonging to my daughter but living there.   the other night my daughter came across a photo of two of the pets and was very distraught about possibly never seeing them again. i held her as she cried.   

we've had a couple discussions on 'why we don't see grandpa any more' and about how we need to protect ourselves and establish boundaries against abusive behaviour.   the discussions start out with her very sad and sometimes crying, and afterwards her mood has lifted and that natural buoyancy i see in her returns.    so i hope that means i'm doing something right as far as the discussions go!   very careful to say that i am not angry at uPDf but i am sad/disappointed instead in his behaviour and the fact he has not been willing to change that behaviour for the better all my life or my daughter's life.  i don't go into detail about my own childhood/teen emotional abuse, because that is too much information for her at this time i believe.

it's not easy to find the right words for these sorts of topics when speaking with a pre-teen, and i'm always rehearsing in my head before i speak.   i haven't told kiddo yet that the cat passed away.   i think that would not be good to tell her. at least not yet when things are still so 'freshly changed'.
I know now there is no bargaining with the PD- because via research and experience you learn that when you deal with PD you sure aren't getting a bargain!

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 16675
  • Individuation = our key to emotional freedom
    • I Am Enough
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2016, 09:39:24 AM »
First I'm so sorry for your the loss of your precious little fur baby. As an animal and a true lover myself I feel for your loss.

Yes you're doing right by your daughter staying neutral and that's exactly what the Toolbox topic talking to children stresses. It's wonderful you're not triangulating her and taking her childhood as is so often the case by those of us raised by PD. There's no reason for her to know all the gory details. You're a great mom and doing a great job!
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

*

Foreignwoman

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 814
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #8 on: October 26, 2016, 07:44:08 PM »
But there's maybe a restroom or another place where you can be alone for a moment and cry?

 :hug:

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

*

WeAreAllATadBitBroken

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 204
Re: 'my' cat passed away at uPDf's house
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2016, 08:00:49 PM »
it was over a week ago.   i'm past being sad about it now.   still think about it, but without the feeling i'm going to break down over it.
I know now there is no bargaining with the PD- because via research and experience you learn that when you deal with PD you sure aren't getting a bargain!