I have no friends because I trust no one, how do you move on and begin to trust

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littlemisssunshine

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I have acquantices but no real friends, i really struggle trusting people and feel like I was never shown how to have good relationships by the parents as any friends they had they would consistantly be nasty about behind their backs and then these people would drift off because they didn't want to deal with my parents.

Also after all the c**p i have been going through with coming Out of the FOG i feel like I would be a burden to anyone to want to spend time with, I think i have  allowed myself to feel depressed for to long and i  dont know how to snap out of it.

Sometimes I am ok with being by myself or just spending time with my husband and other times I feel really lonely. Has anybody else experienced this and how did you make it better? Thank you for your help

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Vega

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Hi littlemisssunshine,
I have experienced this exact same thing.  I lost all my close friends due to what I've come to see as narcissistic abuse.  I never realized how harmful they were to me until I went through an illness.   My body an my mind could not handle it anymore.  I had to focus on myself, and they could not handle that.   I also went no contact with my bp father around the same time.  Same reason, my illness brought out the worst in everyone around me.  The only person I had left was my boyfriend, he was my only support.

After that, I was terrified to let anyone in.  I'm better physically, but still, no new friends.  I just can't seem to trust anyone.  But it has become easier, since the people I do have (boyfriend and his family) are more like me.  The kind of people that give more than they take. 

Honestly, I just don't think I could handle it, since I'm still pretty vulnerable.  I think that makes me attract takers, and I just really don't want that in my life. 

I try to focus on myself, my home life with my boyfriend, and things I like to do.  All I really want to do is focus on my healing and creating a life that makes me happy.  I too had parents like you, I grew up hearing horrible things about everyone else, sometimes it would turn on me, and I was the bad guy.  The whole world was to blame, but they never self reflected, ever.  It took me years to see through it.  I have much to unlearn so that keeps me busy.  It does get better because instead of being hurt all the time, I value the good things in my life. 

I still feel pangs of sadness about all of it, but the loneliness has gone away. 

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DuchessGS

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The problem is you are setting yourself for self fulfilling prophecies whether you know it or not.  If one expects the worst, generally that is what they get.  But that is not to say, I would go around trusting everyone either.  At this moment, you are probably not attracting reliable trustworthy people. 

The last few years I have lived in Haiti, and generally speaking Haitians (Latin American cultures in general) are not very trusting people and with good reason.  I am a very well meaning person and I am there trying to do business and I am trustworthy and loyal but most Haitians cannot see that I am that and assume the worst of me.  I joke, that if Jesus Christ was reincarnated and walked through Haiti, most Haitians would try to screw him over before he screwed them over. When I am nice, sometimes it is seen as suspicious. So perhaps you are looking for the worst in people and are not able to recognize when some is capable of being trustworthy.  Perspective often  tints the glasses that you see through.

Years ago while in therapy, my therapist would say "you really just want someone to be there for you." It is true, no one had ever been there for me in a way that made me feel secure, even my family had failed me as a child. Abandonment, trust issues unleashed... I realize now that my family is/was incapable and it wasn't personal but it hurt very much at the time, it felt like something is wrong with me. Many years later, I can say a few things have changed for me. 1) I no longer take people's inadequacies as a personal slight (it is their own problem and not personal at all).  2) I no longer look for people to complete me, give me love, compliments and everything I need for my self esteem and happiness I have found within myself (love thyself, no one will treat you better than you can treat yourself). Humans are quite selfish by nature and making your happiness someone else's responsibility is ridiculous. 3)  The people who show up in my life, mirror what I am thinking. So if I am being negative, I get miserable people in my life. Recently, I had a nearly fatal accident and I have attracted the doctors and nurses I needed.  If I needed a nurturing nurse, I got her, if I needed someone who was going to take control and make things happen, I got that nurse.  Now the accident was bad and painful, but since then, I have received everything I needed to get through this, the right people, the right medicine, the support and I will recover 100% which is amazing.  I believe that everything is working out for me, and that I deserve the best, and that it might not always be a smooth road and it might not go how I planned but sometimes awful things, turn into blessings and lessons which are priceless.

You can law of attract the right people into your life too, you just have to believe it. Check out the universal laws...and remember anyone who is causing you pain, also has been hurt.

I hope that helps. Stay strong and believe there are good people out there and you will find each other.


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mdana

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Ohhhhh....

I feel, there are many types of friends, and for different reasons. I have travel friends (that are easy going, athletic and fun to travel with --I would never tell them anything too confidential. They don't have much capacity for deep stuff, but they are energetic and on the go, which is what I sometimes like while traveling). They like to explore different things, cultures, people ...but, not very attached.

I have a couple of fly fishing out door friends that love to hike... they can sometimes engage in more meaningful conversations and share vulnerabilities (but...I just like to fly fish with them and only share some things).

Then I have my causal, intellectual friends. They are nice to be around when I want to catch up on some deep current events (global warming, political and social issues, health and other local/global policies ). They are casual because I can be myself (they are not pretentious) -and we can go months without talking or visiting and no one gets offended. Also, more in the category of shallow (emotionally).

Then I have a much smaller set of introspective friends that work hard on spiritual growth. Problem with these are, besides working on spiritual growth and personal development, we have nothing else in common. No hobbies, political beliefs, cultural or economic similarities really (different ages too). It's really odd ...

I have a few "old" time friends I have known since my 20's. They live all over the country and we reach out from time to time ...sometimes, we are dealing with similar stuff and we get closer, then we drift ...and cycle back.

Lots of acquaintances...

I guess what I am saying is, there are many ways to view "friendships"...AND I have not really found any one friend that is everything I like or need (fun to travel with, doing deep spiritual and interpersonal growth, that likes to have deep discussion on health policy, in my age group ...with a PD ex ...etc...).

Maybe just start by doing things you like with others that share similar interests and keep it topical...see what happens. You don't have to divulge anything you don't want to...and it does take lots to time to build trust and to build deeper friendships. Not all friendships will deepen either ...

XOXO
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Sunshine days

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Hello, Little miss sunshine , Yes , it's normal what you are going through. I think you saying that you are a burden ties in with not being good enough of what you have been through . It will take time but you can do it , you will have to do a lot of soul searching and let your real feelings surface , cry it out and move on. I once sat in that lonely place wanting a real connection and I got a soul sister but at the time I had to be completely open as she was closed and we where on the same journey path , it just happened and it turned me around , it got intense at times because I wanted a break as the darkness and loneliness had become my friend but that place had gone so I had to keep believing . What could really happen ? Nothing that's worse then what you went through . Have a little faith that you are worthy and a nice person to know. Now I have a stronger sense of self I am looking towards what mdana is doing and having pockets of friends here and there but first I need to find some groups, hobbies. I still like doing my own thing very much but I don't feel like you are feeling right now but I do remember the pain and how far I have come and how long I felt like you did. listen keep sharing your real feelings here and you will get strong and attract new friends in your life and you will be at a different stage in your loneliness , at the end hopefully x

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Spent

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I totally feel the same way. I was married to a NPD and since we divorced 7 years ago I don't trust anyone -- except my mom. It doesn't make for a great dating life since I usually discover I've again chosen another NPD, or I don't trust them to the point where hearing "I'm not him" is pretty usually before the relationship eventually ends.

I don't really have any friends any more and I spend most of my time alone. I have friendships at work, which are the best for me bc they are never completely personal---as in, our work and family lives never mix. Even though we may talk about personal things, we don't really associate with each other outside of work.

I lost most of the friends I had before the divorce. Either they didn't want to deal with my ugly situation or I didn't want to a burden them with my sadness. It's been really hard.

Sometimes I feel like I will never be who I was before I realized who my ex is. I spent 13 years with someone who never really loved me. That's hard to come to terms with. I don't know how to snap out of it either.

It seems like I should be better by now. I'm sorry I don't have good advice, but I just wanted to tell you I'm going through the same thing and I understand.
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."  ~Kahlil Gibran

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Sunshine days

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Spent its ok , just be you. It's hard going, God bless you , you are doing great x

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clara

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Trust is learned and earned.  If you grow up in a family where you can't even trust your own parents (as I did--couldn't say or do anything without it being blabbed, in usually demeaning ways, to other relatives/acquaintances etc.) you tend not to trust, period.  You don't know how to because you learned early on that trust isn't something that really exists. 

I don't have the answer to what you're asking, littlemiss.  I don't know it, myself.  I just want you to know that you're not alone.

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Dolphin

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I also know what you're going through, and am on my own journey through this. 

Besides having the same advice as the other posters here, I'd add that what still holds me back is not wanting to be like my parents and talk bad about everyone behind there back, especially in front of my child.   That causes me to stick with people just like my uNPD parents too long just to show my child I'm not judgmental.   

Its taken me a long time to realize there's a difference between being judgmental and having good judgement.  I'm at the point now where I can decline an invitation or not re-enroll in something without drama or hard feelings.  Just move on and hope some day the growing list of acquaintances will produce a good friendship.

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looloo

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I totally feel the same way...I don't really have any friends any more and I spend most of my time alone. I have friendships at work, which are the best for me bc they are never completely personal---as in, our work and family lives never mix. Even though we may talk about personal things, we don't really associate with each other outside of work.

I lost most of the friends I had before the divorce. Either they didn't want to deal with my ugly situation or I didn't want to a burden them with my sadness. It's been really hard.

Sometimes I feel like I will never be who I was before I realized who my ex is. I spent 13 years with someone who never really loved me. That's hard to come to terms with. I don't know how to snap out of it either.

It seems like I should be better by now. I'm sorry I don't have good advice, but I just wanted to tell you I'm going through the same thing and I understand.

Much of this is true for me too, both the experiences and the feelings I have now.  Personally, I don't feel lonely most of the time--I really LOVE being alone.  But I know that if I don't reach out just a little and learn to make friends, my life won't be as fulfilling as it could be.  I have it in me to really enjoy friendships and to be more sociable, and I know I don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling essentially friendless (which I do feel now).  Although, if I have the choice between going to a Meetup (meetup.com) and just hanging out with my dog, I choose my dog every time  ;D

It's hard.  I have become really cynical and jaded, and I'm exhausted by the relationships I currently do have.  My H is very high maintenance and moody (probably up there on the N spectrum), and I'm a hands-off caregiver for my elderly Nmother, which still requires a lot of time, energy and head space. 

I may be turning the corner just a little bit though -- recently, H and I were de-cluttering and organizing, and he suggested that I turn a small room in our house into a "girl cave" (yes, he's very N, but then, he can be very thoughtful too).  I've had fun painting and doing a little redecorating, but I'm very aware that no girlfriends will be hanging out in there with me (except for my dog of course ;)).  Anyway, last night, as I was drifting off, thinking about how the room was turning out, I just started to envision sharing it with a friend or two.  My anxious mind immediately started imagining all the negative scenarios I've experienced (drama, conflict, etc.).  But then I kind of started over, and took more control, imagining just having a pleasant time, for a little while (not too long!!!  I'm an introvert and when I'm done, I'm DONE!  ;D).

I hope this is a sign that I'm slowly, with baby steps, starting the process of getting back out there.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Sunshine days

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Hi Looloo, I am a extervort and I am interested in how a intervort thinks??? My friend is a intervort and during our healing process she quitened me down and I brought her out of her cave. I found the relationship hard work but I battled along , always giving and loving . Now I am healed I see she never actually gave much of herself as she doesn't trust but she trusted me because I let her see my open weeping wound but she never showed me hers , she finds it hard to let you look in . I had it out with her numerous times about her being closed and giving nothing and she always tried to give something of herself but I am exhausted with her and now I don't have them feelings of wanting to rescue everyone because of my narc . I gave the friend much more then she gave me in hope she would love more but it's drained me , now I wonder if she's a narc? She starts to feel lonely and sorry and then changes into the other person I thought she was humble but now I have understood her and helped her grow she's become strong and cocky and sometimes her words are cutting and now I am healed I wonder if she's not a nice person but I overlooked it because she understood me at the time I need emotional support. Her claws come out if she can't control the plans we make, like I arrange something then she disarranges it and then changes it to her plans. I am seeing another person now , the other one was healing but she never shared much of it because she had a normal mom to share it with . Your thought s please

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looloo

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Hi Sunshine Days,

I can't speak for all introverts, but at least for me, it doesn't mean that I don't like people, or that I don't like being around them.  It just means that in general, being in social situations tires me out a lot sooner than it does for extroverts (in fact, I think extroverts tend to be energized by being with people).  I like seeing and hanging out with people I like, but it doesn't matter how much I like you--I WILL want to wrap things up within a few hours and say "This was great, see you again soon!"  :D  I don't like crowds, or loud parties/clubs either.  Pretending that I can hear a conversation when I really can't is AWFUL!  I just want to say, "This is ridiculous, I'm outa here!"   :wave:

I haven't done much hosting at my place in a really long time, but if friends kept hanging out and showing no signs of leaving, I'd just say goodnight, it's been great to see everyone, and then I'd toddle off to bed, leaving my H to show everyone the door when he felt it was time.  Works for me!  ;D 

I really like being alone -- it's not a hardship at all.  I need alone time to recharge my batteries.  I like doing quiet things like reading, I like working out by myself instead of with buddies or in a class, I don't even mind going to movies by myself.  But that's just me, I'm sure there are other introverts who love their yoga classes, and who don't like going to the movies without a friend or two.

If I had the time and $$, I wouldn't mind trying traveling by myself either.  Probably not to a foreign country where I didn't know the language, but I don't think it would be bad at all to explore a place I've never been, all on my own terms.  I think it sounds great!  :)

Maybe your friend is introverted, but it also sounds like there are other traits as well that cause conflict.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Sunshine days

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Thank you for your reply, yes there are other traits she likes to pull me down and isn't open loving and kind as I would of liked so it's stopping me being me and now I am healed and she is in her own way I don't want to open myself up to her because I know she's just having a birds eye look with nothing to give and then I feel empty , it's awful . Yes I have a friend who energises me and you are right it works that way she's fun bubbly and lively and she energises me and I love it there's no boundaries but laughter and madness . I didn't realise how difficult friendships where until I was healed . I use to trust everyone and was so open , I hope I can get to a better place like I use to know . I am a introvert to, I am interverted with my feelings but extroverted with what I think. I have made my interverted friend strong and brought her out of her shell and I wonder now whether she feeds of me because I feel drained around her , do u feed of ex ? I mean for a little energy boost or are you just happy quietly floating along . It's great you have such independence and want to travel and I guess you are living your life for you . I guess you just do what you want when you want without a thought for leaving the others at the party to your hubby. My friend does that comes out for a while and then tells you halfway through when she's going home . Sorry for the rant but I have even tried to shake her off , her quiet silent ways disturb me and she never shares how she's feeling and I don't want to share how I am feeling so the relationship has exhausted itself out but she can't see that .