20 year old female desperate for support and understanding

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iamiamiam

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20 year old female desperate for support and understanding
« on: November 14, 2016, 01:19:06 AM »
Hi,
To summarize:  I was 16, a virgin, and a junior in high school when I met him. Throughout my junior year it was a consistent relationship of him going back to his ex, going back to me, and threats of suicide combined with "you're too good for me" kind of ideation. As a 16 year old who already was dealing with major depressive disorder, this was difficult to handle. We began to date exclusively my senior year of high school and things were relatively stable (as stable as they can be with someone who was borderline), my friends gradually accepted him, as did my parents, but there were still girls on the internet he would emotionally toy with, and this was a consistent theme up until I graduated from high school. I moved in with him and two other friends my freshman year of college. There would be nights I would stay in because he wouldn't want me to go out, I never had alone time, and I never had a stress free environment to tend to my studies. Still, my sophomore year I decided to live with just him and move into a one bedroom apartment. It was frustrating to be a college student while working part time and live with someone with bpd. I would always come home early (because if I stayed at school to study he would be upset) and he would be up to the usual-- playing video games and smoking too much weed. There was no support for me when it came to my studies or to my social life. If I tried to go out with friends I would be shunned if I came home too late or didn't text back. Eventually I stopped going out and my friends stopped contacting me. One night this past march the boyfriend I had prior to him picked me up and I cheated on him, because i had been emotionally cheated on so often in the past. My bpd boyfriend had hacked my phone using findmyiphone, tracked my location, and showed up at his house. at this point i was fed up, and he moved out and i quickly began to date around because i had never had the opportunity before. the experience was underwhelming, and i began to see my bpd ex again. it felt like no one would ever care for me the same way he did, and i honestly feel the same to this day. it is now november and i still am not living with him. he holds the cheating incident over my head, and i will never live up to his expectations. he has never apologized or admitted to any wrongdoing. the relationship failing was and completely my fault because i cheated. it is getting exhausting. i am doing much better in school, but he still finds ways to ruin my whole day (or even week) with hurtful text messages or abusive interactions that distract me and lead me to self harm or avoid my school work. im sick of hearing my friends and family telling me i need to be alone and i need to cut him out entirely. ive never felt so alone or misunderstood in my life-- none of them know what its like to be with person like this. none of them know what it is like to walk on eggshells for years. i just need someone my age who relates, who feels trapped and who is also struggling with the notion of letting go of their bpd loved one entirely. i have completely lost respect for myself, and honestly believe that no one will ever want to be with me because i have the bpd fleas. i know that a lot of people with bpd arent abusive, and arent horrible, but in my situation my person with bpd has consistently refused help and is abusive. i know this isnt the case for all, and as a student studying to go into the psychiatry field i realize that it will be incredibly hard for me to work with bpd individuals because of my experience. i am desperate for females my age who feel the same way and can offer advice other besides "being alone" and "loving myself" and "finding joy in the little things." i need stories, and i need stories of surival. thank you.

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mdana

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Re: 20 year old female desperate for support and understanding
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2016, 02:56:01 AM »
Well, I'm not your age, but when I was 20, I met my now, ex-husband. At the time, he had the same characteristics as you describe in your boyfriend. Possessive, intrusive, obsessed with me, abusive, belittling (drank excessively) ...then, loving, romantic and very smart. First I was on a pedistal, the perfect woman! Then...I was the worst. Eventually,  nothing I ever did was enough and no matter what I did, he always said "you don't love me"  and he would pick anything I did wrong and blow it up. I felt for many years, so torn, so agonized!  He threatened to kill himself once, when I wanted to break up (I though we were just young and stupid). We were in college together.

We got married. Had 3 kids. Broke up many times. Divorced, got remarried again. He left me homeless once with 2 of our kids (had to delclare BK). No car. I had a nervous breakdown. It was and has been the biggest nightmare of my life. That's the truth.  The harm and destruction is indescribable (I won't even post all of it here). And, I (similar to you at first) wanted it to work so badly. I used to feel...sad, lonely, confused.  My ex turned out to be NPD/ASPD...

I know how you feel. And, you may not like this...but, you need help. You need to speak to someone skilled, qualified, experienced that can help job work though all the conflicting feelings. The relationship is clearly ...not a healthy one for you, and you need help exploring why you keep wanting to go back. I wish so much someone had told me that back when I was 20....I really needed the help, but had no resources and no idea what was happening.

Lots of love to you!!!
Take good care ...and sorry, if I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear ...
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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AmericanWoman

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Re: 20 year old female desperate for support and understanding
« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2016, 11:31:22 AM »


I'm another one that is not your age but was in a situation like you describe.

Al-Anon is what worked for me.  It is for those that love people that are not only alcoholics but treat folks that love them horrible, for people that are involved with a person that has issues just like you described.  They are in every city small to large and free and anonymous.  Most are held in churches however you don't have to belong to a church to get involved - just a desire to have peace in your life.  I'm sure you could google one in your town, they (get togethers) are held in day and evenings.

I wish you the best, Jesus loves you no matter what...never forget that.

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Bloomie

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Re: 20 year old female desperate for support and understanding
« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2016, 12:43:28 PM »
iamiamiam - Welcome to OOTF. My heart goes out to you as I read how long this relationship has been dominating your young life. When a relationship does not empower, encourage, and build us up - when our partner is emotionally coercive and toxic in their behaviors - when our friendships and family relationships and educational pursuits, the realization of our hopes and dreams, are consistently sabotaged - and we keep going back for more because no one has ever made us feel how this person makes us feel... we may be dealing with a complex set of emotional responses called trauma bonding.

Here is some enlightening info for you to think through: http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

From the Home page of www.abuseandrelationships.org

"Sensitive people have always been able to recognize abuse on a gut level, and I encourage all people to continue to honor their gut feelings. However, gut feelings are hard to articulate and hard to coordinate among groups of individuals. And gut feelings are are easy to miss, and easy to doubt, especially since one effect of abuse is to separate survivors from their sense of self.

Some abuse is so abhorrent that even insensitive people recognize it as such. But some of the tools of abuse in relationships are acts that can be hidden as expressions of upset or self-assertion, if close attention is not paid to the details and patterns. Abuse is a twisted way to get needs met, but the twist toward limiting the other person's options is exactly where the destructiveness comes from." Michael Samsel LMHC

I would highly recommend you read a book called: The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes, it was incredibly helpful to me.

A book review is found here: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=46889.msg422390#msg422390

I hope you have found a therapist to work through the difficulties and confusion that you are having surrounding this relationship. I have found that recovery and healing from a relationship with a BPD person requires many approaches - support from a community like this one, face to face therapy with a person knowledgeable about personality disorders, a supportive network of friends and family, a mentoring type of relationship with an older, trusted female, and for me spiritual support, prayer, and counsel.

It is great you have reached out here for connection. This community will support you and reading through the stories - even just what has already been shared here - can serve as a cautionary tale and empower you to get healing and to a healthier place now as you are so young and have so many important life decisions ahead of you.

I look forward to supporting you and will see you on the boards!



"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸