"i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"

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beacartoonheart

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"i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« on: November 24, 2016, 08:29:12 AM »
This is my first time writing on this website, I'm not the type of person who reaches out but I am at a point in my life where I feel like every little bit of help/ encouraging words/ advice can guide me in the right direction. I have gone no contact with my bpd mother, for about 10 months now.  I needed to walk away, my sanity and health was on the line.  years of verbal abuse, guilt and control finally came to a halt, there really is a limit for everyone....I didn't think I had a breaking point until that day. I've blocked her number, but voicemails are still coming through, guilt trip after guilt trip, I'm worried it will never end. I'm told by family members that my bpd mother is dragging my name through the dirt, making me look like a terrible person, she even gets her friends to call me, leaving speeches of their very own on my voicemail.  It's amazing how quick a person who knows nothing about you can be so quick to judge.  I am overwhelmed with guilt knowing that what she has is a disease and I've given up on her, but for once in my life I feel free, and able to have my own thoughts an feelings.....i'm torn.  The holiday season is approaching and I am petrified of what is to come. I really don't know what to do....any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Fightsong

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2016, 09:48:03 AM »
Hi beacartoon❤️️.  Welcome. You eloquently describe that torn feeling of wanting to save yourself vs trying to save someone else. It sounds like you reached for your own oxygen mask first. Good for you. This idea of carrying others burdens for years on end, til you are exhausted comes back time and again on these boards. You will find good company here. Sounds like you are under a fairly sustained attack. Keep your own head above the water if you can. You can't save anyone else, even though she is 'ill'  all your efforts won't save her. Sadly.  if you neede to go no contact you had your reasons, people say it's not always forever. Perhaps you need some time to heal and then put some boundaries in place and resume some contact. Perhaps that's not right for you. It feels like survivors guilt I think. You are welcome here.

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Malini

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2016, 11:53:05 AM »
Welcome beacartoonheart.

Reading your post reminds me of a lot of the things I felt when I finally stood up for myself, after years of abusive behaviour. You will find lots of posts which will validate what you are going through at the moment, posts that will give you hope, posts that will show you that you have choices.

I've been thinking about fear for a while, my NM is a proficient and persistent stalker, and so I have to deal with it on a regular basis. We are afraid of feeling fearful, we think it makes us vulnerable to attack, I have come to embrace the fear believing it is my bodies way of telling me to watch out and develop coping strategies which have enabled me to get on with my life rather than stay stuck at home behind shut curtains. It doesn't take away the fact that the sight of her handwriting or her name on caller ID (which I changed to 'oh no not you again'), or when I'm notified she's following me on some random social media, a lump of dread forms in the out of my stomach, but, it means that the dread passes quicker.

The smearing is common and takes getting used to. I've also realised that those who know me and know her, are fully aware of which one is the crazy person in the relationship and all others are not worth thinking about. It's unfair but we can't control it. My journey OOTF is ongoing, four years down the line I'm still challenged, learning, adapting. Yes, I would love to have normal loving parents, but I certainly won't let the two life dealt me back into my circle of trust.

Keep reading and posting, I'm sure you'll find a lot of insight and experience to carry you along this difficult and painful path to a life free of abuse.
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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Souz

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2016, 08:53:04 PM »
Your post describes it so well.  I'm just over a year NC now and I still struggle with the same thing - giving up on her when she is ill.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that while my mom is an emotional abuser, other types of abusers (physical, sexual, pedophiles, etc), most often are also ill.  I don't think someone should continue to be abused in those ways to avoid giving up on their abuser.  So, why do we see it so differently when the abuse is emotional?  Recently my aunt gently tried to remind me that she's ill and we need to accept that about her.  I asked her if she felt anyone should be abused, as long as it's a result of mental illness. 

Thanks for posting your thoughts, I can relate to every word of it. 
Be brave enough to break your own heart - Cheryl Strayed

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2016, 02:47:30 AM »
Hi Beacartoonheart - and welcome!   :)

My mom was unBPD too and I also got to the point I just couldn't take any more of her selfish, Waif/Queen behavior.  I didn't go NC, but started lowering contact to LC and then VLC, while using Medium Chill.

People like our moms are utterly *exhausting.* They don't know what makes them happy, expect us to figure it out FOR them and the truth is, NOTHING makes them happy for more than a few minutes except our pain and misery.  That?  They LOVE!   :roll:

My unBPD mom didn't have any FMM's left in her life - she'd pushed all her so-called friends away, one by one - so I didn't have that to contend with, but she was smearing me to her neighbor.  Not that I particularly cared.  (After she died, I had a long talk with the neighbor, set the record straight, and was surprised at how supportive she was of me - she always knew something was "off" with unBPD mom, but didn't know how bad it was.)

If I were you, I'd start blocking her friends' numbers too and let her smear away - eventually, smart people figure out WHO the problem really is.

Those friends of hers?  They probably won't stick around for long, once they figure how much work she really is and how draining being around her can be.   :disappear:

Or they may be realizing it and want to fob her back off on YOU. 

Don't fall for it.  For all that's right and holy - do NOT fall for it!   :no_shake:

There are a couple of things you can do:

1.  Block numbers like crazy, as I mentioned.

2.  Change your phone number to a new, nonpublished number - and give it out only to people you trust with your life.  It can be kind of a hassle, but in the end, will be *worth it* when the texts stop.   8-)

3.  If you're friends with any of these people on social media (FB, Twitter, Pinterest, etc...) - unfriend and block them, including the ringleader:  your mother.

The holidays tend to bring out the worst in PDs because, you know, it's All About Them, All The Time.   :roll: :blahblahblah:  :roll:

Keep plugging away at making *yourself* happy and treating yourself well.  Self-care is really important.   :yes:

Fretting about what people think of you isn't good self-care.  You know you're a good person - and I know it too.  You got to your breaking point - I'd be more worried if you *didn't.*

You are NOT a "bad daughter."  You are a person who realized she's got to save herself, first and foremost.  Your mother can't be helped because she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her, therefore won't change or take any responsibility for her mistakes, bad behavior and the vile things she says.  She thinks you *deserve* that kind of treatment for not living up to her very specific, very high expectations of you - without actually telling you what they are, because you're supposed to just read her mind and *know* - and still get it wrong, every single time.   :blink:

That's *not* normal behavior or thinking - and there's nothing you can do about it except decide how much you're willing to put up with.

That's exactly what you did - and I think you made the right decision.   :yes:

Sometimes it's confusing and scary as hell and we think, "Was it really so bad?  Did I do the right thing?  Maybe if I try a little harder to be nicer.  Maybe I really do take things too personally and need a thicker skin..."

That's why it's called FOG and you've had a lifetime of *conditioning.*  You've been hearing her negative voice since you were a baby. 

There is *nothing* selfish about putting yourself first - your needs, wants and desires *matter.*  YOU matter. 

Any time you feel low, weak or beaten down - just reach out.  Many people here have been where you are now and will be happy to lend words of support and encouragement. 

Please - stay strong, take care of yourself and give yourself *time.* 

It took you X amount of years to get here - undoing all that conditioning and replacing it with firmer boundaries and a more positive internal soundtrack isn't going to happen overnight.

You're in the right place - and we've got your back. 

 :hug:

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beacartoonheart

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2016, 07:14:49 AM »
I can not express the amount of gratitude I have for those whom have responded. I have been in a pretty dark place for a while, and although I put on a fake smile when I leave the house, it has been really hard trying to keep myself together. I have good friends who support me, but they haven't walked in my shoes so I don't talk much about what I'm going through, because as much as they would love to help, they don't really understand. It is amazing to me and it warms my heart to see that complete strangers have taken time out of their busy day to help me, it really does mean a lot.

Fightsong-  I really appreciate all of your support, thank you for making me feel welcomed.  I really wanted to help her and god knows I've tried.  The day I walked away I decided it was impossible to help someone who was not willing to help themselves. I may have stumbled upon this website by accident but it might just be the best of luck I have ever had.

Malini- Thank you so much for your support. you are right, fear is a way of your body preparing for battle, I will try my best to embrace it, in a way that will hopefully make me stronger. The smearing is going to take some getting used to.  She really has a way of making others believe that she is the victim.  I'm having a hard time believing that anything she has ever said or done has ever been sincere...I was fooled just like everybody else. Thank you for sharing :)

souz- Thank you for the eye opener.  I have not looked at my situation from this perspective before.  You are absolutely right and I am going to try and keep your words in mind anytime I doubt my decision of walking out that door. Thank you!

womaninterrupted-   First of all, Thank You.  You have no idea how much you have helped me.  It brought me to tears how much your message mirrored my life. (and I don't cry).
My bpd mother also pushed several people away and will tell stories to anyone who will listen, neighbours, strangers at the mall, ex's, even people in line at the bank.  She plays the victim card so well and feeds off pity.  I unfortunately don't have any family, she managed to push them all away when I was young, she made me believe that they were all terrible people.  I was a child, I believed her, because mom is supposed to know best. I wish I would have clued in sooner, I wish I would have seen the signs and I feel so stupid for being fooled. I could have had a loving family if not for her. Instead I was merely her personal punching bag.
I have been struggling with myself and angry with myself for still being upset after ten months have passed. I have been wondering "what's wrong with me, why have I not gotten over this yet?" I kept blaming myself for being weak and being unable to put the past behind me. I often have the "was it really that bad?" thoughts, and have wondered if maybe I just didn't try hard enough but YOU REALLY opened up my eyes and really helped me see that it is normal to still be upset. There are a lot of troubled years that need healing, I shouldn't try to rush things.
thank you for making me feel like I am not alone.


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NewDawn

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2016, 09:09:39 PM »
Hi Beacartoonheart,

I can relate to your post and could have written it myself as my NPDm alienated my entire extended family as well. The first thing that jumped out about your situation was that you are still getting a bombardment of messages/voicemails and that alone - even if you are not responding to them - will cause great anxiety, fear, anger and the whole array of emotions including PTSD.  For me, when I blocked my mother from calling and leaving messages I was finally released from her grip. 

Like WomanInterrupted said, the first thing that would help is to block the calls and voicemails - all of them - including the flying monkeys. I would also start preparing for a peaceful, beautiful, guilt-free holiday season away from all the drama and dysfunction right now so it doesn't have to keep playing over inside your head - "should I see them, should I call them, should I send them a card.." etc.

It will get easier over time and the details will gradually change but it is a life-long process.  This year I have more of a feeling of acceptance than ever before regarding the abuse and struggle but it is not without its residual effects.  I suppose it is the last stage of the grief process, I'm not quite sure yet as it is in transition - but during Thanksgiving I did not even think of my FOO once.

My best to you!  Trust you heart and that still small voice within - as you already know inside the best road to take.

God Bless!

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beacartoonheart

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Re: "i had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go"
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2016, 07:48:10 AM »
hello newdawn,
thank you for your support :) I have blocked my mother and her flying monkeys, this was a couple of months ago, the texts stopped coming through and not having to see the number on my caller id has helped a lot. unfortunately for whatever reason, my phone will not ring but she can still connect to my voicemail and leave messages, and so can her flying monkeys. I called my service provider and they told me nothing can be done on their end except to change my number. I know it seems like a rather simple step but a part of me keeps wondering "what if something bad happens?" also I like my number and have had it for a long time, so I often wonder "am I going to let her take that from me too?"

Christmas scares me to death, I just want to curl up alone and pretend it's not actually happening.  The last thing I want to do is hurt her and I know nc during the holidays is going to torture her. I know it is in my best interest but I am not a mean person. "Do I send a card?" is often something I ask myself, it's amazing to me that you even mentioned that. Do I? or will that just confuse her and make matters worse. My other half is excited for the holidays because I finally get to spend Christmas with their side after five years..i was never aloud to share Christmas with anyone because Christmas is "mom's time". I know I shouldn't be but I am actually afraid of spending time in a calm loving family environment, I'm scared I won't fit in. I've lived in the twilight zone for so long, I don't know how to handle normal.

newdawn, you mentioned that your NPDm alienated your entire extended family, curious have you ever tried to reach out to them? just this week I reached out to a family member I haven't seen since I was a child, and she told me she used to send me letters as a kid but that they always came back to her. I'm pretty destroyed by that information, I had no idea. I'm in over my head, I may have taken on a new challenge too soon.

thank you for your message, and giving me hope that things will get better. I think stumbling upon this website was the best thing for me, somewhere someone is looking out for me and led me to this amazing support system.