Valley of the Dolls. Aunt has out PD-ed my mother

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Cupcake

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Re: Valley of the Dolls. Aunt has out PD-ed my mother
« Reply #40 on: December 11, 2016, 01:36:39 AM »
This thread is so timely for me, except my BPDm has a creepy porcelain doll named "tickles". She bought tickles more than 25 years ago, I was a child and found the Caterpillar on his arm tickling him (hence the name) endearing. Somehow this morphed into my BPDm saying tickles, now very creepy to me,was a gift for me and responding to me in an abusive tirade for not accepting it when she asked if I wanted it or if she should donate it.

Reading this thread sheds new light on her behavior with the doll. She asks me about grandkids fairly regularly and I tell her I don't know. I love children and would love to have children of my own, but I'm not in a stable relationship and my family support is lacking. I refuse to bring a child into my current situation, which actually is beside the point because never under any circumstances would I trust her with a child. She held onto this fake baby for more than 25 years, why? Well it's the new child she wants in her life to control. Is she trying to give it to me so she has a grandchild of sorts? I don't know, but it's entirely possible with her.

What I do know is that her latest abuse of me has resulted of me telling her I will not be in contact with her until she treats me with respect and kindness. I already have little contact with her, but for some reason going NC with her is incredibly scary and sad for me.

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UKannie

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Re: Valley of the Dolls. Aunt has out PD-ed my mother
« Reply #41 on: December 12, 2016, 08:48:13 PM »
She asks me about grandkids fairly regularly and I tell her I don't know. I love children and would love to have children of my own, but I'm not in a stable relationship and my family support is lacking.
In my experience that doesn't factor into PDs views about having children. My mother doesn't even understand the word 'relationship' or 'support' and she thought nothing of having a second baby with a man she knew to be prone to paranoid psychosis straight after having me. I think she saw her husband (my dad) mainly as a sperm donor. I think some PDs, like very young teenagers, view babies as passive doll-like creatures and don't think about the stability a child needs to thrive. I also think she saw my dad a bit like a 'Ken' doll, ie she could make him play the role of dad just by having a baby. Instead the responsibility made him ill and she completely ignored that  :(

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sandpiper

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Re: Valley of the Dolls. Aunt has out PD-ed my mother
« Reply #42 on: December 12, 2016, 10:59:49 PM »
This is a very astute observation, that they don't seem to consider whether or not you are ready for children, you want them, and if you can offer them a good life.
I was diagnosed with cancer when I was in my 20s & we were about ready to start considering a family - the doctors counselled against it as it was high risk it would recur & kill me.
So I had a lot of concerns about the idea of having a child, dying, and leaving DH with his off-balance family to raise it.
My mother died when I was young & as much as I lack happy memories of her at least I had two parents for that critical period where a child really does need two people working together to raise it.
uBPDsis's response was to nag and nag and nag me to go ahead and have children anyway.
ensis, with her magical thinking, told me 'Well don't create it' because she was big on the Magical Thinking thing of Louise Hay & felt that you can magic a tumour away. She's a nurse so she should know better but go figure.
Ncousin's response to my choice was 'No matter. If you die, we'll look after it.'
Door number three was the response that most horrified me as she'd seen me grow up without my mother & plainly she had no freaking idea how hard that was for me.

It is about playing dolls, for the PD. I'm really not surprised that dolls appeal to them as it probably is far preferable for them to have a life-like baby to fuss over as it will never grow up & never make any emotional demands of them.

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UKannie

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Re: Valley of the Dolls. Aunt has out PD-ed my mother
« Reply #43 on: December 15, 2016, 02:40:34 PM »
This is a very astute observation, that they don't seem to consider whether or not you are ready for children, you want them, and if you can offer them a good life.
Also I do find that histories of people who don't have children often reveal complex reasons. There are often (although not always) shades of grey between circumstances and choice that PDs don't want to understand.
It is about playing dolls, for the PD. I'm really not surprised that dolls appeal to them as it probably is far preferable for them to have a life-like baby to fuss over as it will never grow up & never make any emotional demands of them.
Absolutely. You get it. I spent an hour helping my T to 'get' the abject disgust I feel about women in my family getting any satisfaction or comfort from these dolls. The fact that ownership of the dolls and the dolls themselves "don't hurt anyone" (her words) :roll: is not the point. For me, they are like a big red flag that shows that person's lack of maturity, their failiure to relate to the rest of the world and their dismissive attitude towards living, breathing (non-baby) humans, who they are less bothered about connecting with or making time for.

I look forward to a day when women who act like salivating vampires around lifeless bits of silicon are hunted down and stripped out of professions that involve working with children and teenagers. Young people deserve better than that from adults placed in positions of influence and responsibility. (Off-topic but I once tried to explain the term 'role-model' to my mother and I honestly don't think she could grasp it.. she seems to struggle with anything abstract concerning relationships).

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sandpiper

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Re: Valley of the Dolls. Aunt has out PD-ed my mother
« Reply #44 on: December 15, 2016, 08:33:25 PM »
There are always going to be some things that Ts don't get because they just haven't lived it.
I can see your T's perspective that an adult who is a collector is harmless enough, but a PD with a creepy lifelike silicon doll is a different matter.
What I find disturbing is that a PD can have far more attachment to a doll than to a real child and this, I think, is the heart of the matter.