Mother Steals my Thunder

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Eggshell Walker

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Mother Steals my Thunder
« on: December 07, 2016, 03:43:51 PM »
Hi All!

I am struggling with how to handle my uNPDm's continuous attempts at stealing my thunder. Three examples involving my DS: when my son was born and to this day, 31 yrs later, she has always referred to him as her son; 2. she tried to push her way into my DIL's wedding shower and their subsequent wedding by drawing attention to herself and 3. she's trying to be 'grandma' to my grandchildren. My uNPDm has pushed me aside as a daughter, mother and now a grandmother. She has tried being the center of attention in many ways all through my life. I'm aware that this is typical behavior for a narcissist but I don't know how to deal with it being that I'm NC. Before going full NC, I told my uNPDm that her behavior bothered me but she was unmoved by my feelings. She continues on....

Advice?

** Don't say you miss me when you're the reason I'm gone. **

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Bloomie

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Re: Mother Steals my Thunder
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2016, 04:51:01 PM »
Hi there - so get how frustrating this is! I am sorry that even in NC you are dealing with it still.

What are some things that your mom is doing currently that you have control or say so over? What kinds of things, other than tell her that her behaviors are not working for you, have worked previously? Are her behaviors a problem for your son and dil? How have they handled this kind of thing with her?

Lots of questions... just answer what you feel comfortable to, wanting to get a handle on what behaviors/traits you are up against here is all. :hug:

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illogical

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Re: Mother Steals my Thunder
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2016, 08:28:20 PM »
In short, you let her be her and you be you.  Refuse to enter into a competition with her. 

To address your points:

1.  She has always referred to your son as "her son".  Whatever.  He is your son, and there's nothing she can do to change that.  Simply calling him her son is ridiculous.  It has no teeth.  If you are in a situation, like a family event, and she is grabbing the spotlight and telling people he's her son, you walk away.  You and your son know the truth.  That's all that matters.

2.  She tried to push her way into the wedding shower.  Okay.  She may do that again in the future.  Very likely will.  Again, you walk away and let her make a fool of herself.  I'm sure you're not the only one to see that she is pushy and ridiculous. 

3.  She's trying to be grandma to your grandchildren.  I'm not sure how, exactly.  She is their great-grandmother, right?  The response is the same.  Regarding you--  you refuse to partake in, or be an audience to, her spotlight-grabbing.

Narcissists covet the spotlight.  It's always all about them.  While you can do little regarding the reactions of others, you are in control of your reaction.  Don't give her the satisfaction of being her audience.  When she's on stage, you exit.  If others want to applaud her performance, there's little you can do.  But you can pride yourself in knowing she won't get any help from you in winning the Oscar.   8-)
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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daughter

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Re: Mother Steals my Thunder
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2016, 10:15:03 PM »
From hereon in, unless she's living with you, you have the option of not inviting her to every occasion concerning your son and your grandchildren.  You are "allowed" that freedom.  You're priority is no longer "keeping mom happy".  Don't let her always be "stage-center", by not inviting her to "enter the stage" in first place.  I empathize with you, because I was in a similar situation with my NBM, with the further complication that NBM "doesn't like me", and made no effort to disguise that.  If I could've been "erased" from family occasions, so that DH and our children where truly captive to her alone, all the better.

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Eggshell Walker

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Re: Mother Steals my Thunder
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2016, 12:25:22 AM »
Thanks all!

No, thank goodness, uNPDm does not live with us! She and my Enf live together, 1/2 of the year in the north and 1/2 of the year in the south.
I do not invite them to anything, even though they are currently living in the same town as my FOC. My DIL, still in the FOG, feels that my uNPDm needs to be included in most
things as is her grandmother. I try to explain that the relationships in her family are 'healthy' relationships which is not the case in our family. DIL is coming around to
understanding our FOO.

When I have expressed my displeasure with uNPDm's behavior, it has been met with pouting, tears, denial and silent treatment. That's a life long pattern of hers.

To me, the most bothersome thing my parents are doing now is interfering in my DS's newly-wedded life. It frustrates and irritates me.  I have asked my parents to back off many times and my DS is doing all he can do to avoid them.  Unfortunately, my DIL has become my uNPDm's new supply source since I'm NC now. 

** Don't say you miss me when you're the reason I'm gone. **

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Fightsong

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Re: Mother Steals my Thunder
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2016, 10:42:12 AM »
The pouting... argh the pouting!!! The good ship pouting sailing on D'nile.  Arrgh!