How to start confronting it?

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Foreignwoman

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #40 on: January 28, 2017, 01:49:58 PM »
I hear you Fightsong. And you have every reason to be proud of yourself.

I think of this process as a cycle, where we learn and make progress, and other times have the feeling that we have to start all over again.

We all have been there and still are at times. You are not alone. It's okay. It is not always easy to stay calm in the process. You are already okay. You don't have to work this hard. You have a lifetime to adjust.

Take care

 :hug:

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

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Adria

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #41 on: January 28, 2017, 02:27:23 PM »
Fightsong,

So sorry you are in such turmoil.  Sometimes, I think that is a good place to be because it means you are recognizing destructive patterns and coming Out of the FOG. The confusion comes from the old programs they put upon us as children such as fear, if we don't do what they want, guilt trips because we should never hurt them, and suck the abuse up, etc.  There are no easy answers. Usually we try many different tactics until we reach a conclusion on how things are to be.   Don't rush anything right now.  Maybe you need to play out a few different scenarios with them, like casting characters for a play. Every time you try to handle it a different way and things go good or blow up, you are being given answers to your questions.  A lot of times, the answers and outcomes are not what we were hoping for, so you have to be brave enough to see things the way they are, not as you would like them to be.  Unfortunately, it's kind of like being processed through a meat grinder.

It seems so unfair to try and love and want to be loved and get nothing for your efforts except ridicule and rejection.  Be kind and gentle with yourself.  You are stronger than you know.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2017, 06:45:05 PM by Spring Butterfly »

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Fightsong

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #42 on: January 28, 2017, 05:57:29 PM »
 FW, Adria, thanks. For your words of encouragement , compassion (yet again) and poetry!  I feel rooted for here , joined on the journey and it's lovely , comforting.  I never considered the 'having a lifetime' thing, in a way that's comforting too. In a way terrifying. I want to know NOW how it's going to be! Ever impatient!  And yes, yes, I'm AM ok! I am here, more or less sane,  :stars:  I am capable. I am afraid. But I guess all in all I do 'have this'. And I have therapy too. Thank all the gods!  It IS a cyclical process isn't it? Reminds me of that song - "I get knocked down, but I'll get up again. Your never gonna keep me down". 

Thank you all so much for speaking peace and understanding.

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Foreignwoman

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #43 on: January 28, 2017, 07:48:53 PM »
Fightsong, I think you are sweet and lovely.
You are doing so well!

 :cheer:

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

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Gladiola23

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #44 on: January 29, 2017, 12:34:56 AM »
Hi Fightsong. I had to do the same with my family. My whole life I tried. To be the best daughter, to get my BPD mom to notice me, to be loved by my NPD dad. To be really good at things to get others attention and therefore their attention. And like many on here once you come Out of the FOG you sort of have to test things. For me it was making sure I wasn't making anything up, and like you, I needed to try everything.

 I confronted both my parents about abuse that happened as a child. They acted initially calm and cool, like I was blowing things out of proportion. Assure me that all was fine and "they loved me regardless". Then it was a few months of LC then vLC. Then out of the blue they came over to my house, blew up at me, called me all sorts of names "narcissist" "coward". I ended up yelling at them and telling them they were not welcome at my home. It really took to that point for me to finally "get" my parents were not nice people. They could sound nice, they could play nice, have others call us the "Leave it to Beaver Family" but they were not nice. They were not loving. And no matter what I did, they could not love me the way I needed. It was hard to see that. We have been NC since.

I know by my confrontation I really hit the whole situation/hornets nest with a stick (PD hate being held accountable I found out). Sometimes to actually "see" reality and get Out of the FOG you have to "see" the PD people in action. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's heartbreaking, but for me, it was necessary.

I know that I had to do things my way to prove to myself  that I did the best I could at trying to  salvage the relationship.  My actions were about what I needed to grow and not what I was guilted into. Finding my voice and standing up for myself has been critical. I've been able to let go more after this. Recognise the parts that I did not cause or create and cannot fix. And now I'm starting to recognize who I am outside this situation. Finally figuring out what makes me tick outside the learned FOG behavior, and start to really like myself. I'm still new to this but my days are getting better. Still struggle with anxiety but I'm having more good days than bad.
I loved how you said your getting out of your head and into your heart. I'm right there with you.

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Fightsong

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #45 on: January 30, 2017, 02:45:22 PM »
 And I trust that there is enough understanding here that , if I crawl back one day soon a hurting bleeding mess , that I will be welcomed.   Fight song.
[/quote]


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Fightsong

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #46 on: January 30, 2017, 02:54:17 PM »
Look, look  at what I wrote back then. It happened didn't it? I did come crawling back a hurting bleeding mess.  By God I am angry right now. By God has that fear dissolved into an anger that threatens to spill toxically out. I hope to God I can be as calm and honest as I want to be.  Hope I can do this without tripping the switch. Hope I can keep the upper hand here.  By God am I angry for the fear she gave me. How in the name of all that is sweet and loving does one create that in a child so small? Another step towards what I suspect is a place from which  there is no going back.  >:(   Holy Cow.

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coyote

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #47 on: January 30, 2017, 04:02:07 PM »
Fightsong,
You have every right to your feelings. The fear, hurt, betrayal, anger that you feel are real and in my opinion normal after what has been heaped upon you. You say though that "Another step toward a place from which there is no going back." I'm not sure what you mean by that. I would caution about succumbing to the fears with this:

ďFear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.Ē
Ė Yoda

I don't mean to trivialize your feeling by quoting a Star War's character. It's just that I've seen other friends go down that path and even seen it lead to self destructive behavior, In time you will face your fear and get past the anger and hurt. We are all here for you. Wishing you peace and strength.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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Fightsong

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #48 on: January 30, 2017, 04:12:18 PM »
This is me, facing the fear. The fear is that she will hate me, leave me.  think I'm bad and tell me so. Tell me I'm just like all the rest, and she thought i was different.  I don't need to fear that now. I have me.

I realized that she can still engender that feeling in me , even from afar, and makes me angry. It's high time I recognized it. What I mean is that in realizing it I can now express it and in  expressing it I realize the gravity of my experience. Allow myself to hurt. Allow my precious little one the anger and pain she deserved to be allowed. And if in so doing I cannot tolerate the relationship anymore - then , well I'm not the only one here am I?

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coyote

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #49 on: January 30, 2017, 04:22:18 PM »
Good for you Fightsong. No you are certainly not the only one here and we are all here trying to get through this Journey. Keep it up, you can do this.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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blues_cruise

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Re: How to start confronting it?
« Reply #50 on: January 31, 2017, 07:34:02 PM »
I don't need to fear that now. I have me.

Yes! As an adult you don't need to just 'take it' anymore.  :hug: It's not healthy and it's not what loving parents do to their children.

In one of my N father's worst rages he chased me around the house shouting, "Your mum's not here to protect you anymore!" For years that scared me into line. Now I look back and think, "You know what? She doesn't need to be around to protect me from you anymore you disgusting tyrant because I have ME." To finally understand that you can truly be safe and control the level of contact with your lifelong bully is a great feeling.  :yes:

Oh and I'm glad you're embracing your anger as a positive thing (which it totally is if you find a healthy outlet for it!) You have every right to be angry for that poor little girl who needed her mother but just got abuse in return, she deserves to be heard. :hug:
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou