What's your worst trigger/reaction ?

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Arya

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What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« on: December 16, 2016, 09:52:07 PM »
For me, being gaslighted, accused of things not true, or seeing/hearing about abuse animals or kids----send me into very challenging emotions/anger that in the past lead to me giving people a angry shout out. I see it now, I see the reasons, the sequence of dominoes that then booom, I went off like a rocket. What really stings though is, and I've seen others comment about this here-----the old scenario: you act badly and remember every occasion painfully remorsefully in extreme detail..................the PD's in your life act badly all the time no remorse or reflection....................yet you remain the bad person with the scarlet letter on your back for life.

so I'd say my worst trigger is being gaslighted or any kind of animal/kid abuse. My worst reaction  to my triggers is going off on a raging shouting match.

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snoflinga

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2016, 10:21:18 PM »
Lied about or accused of things that aren't true. It sends me into a spiral so quickly. I am still working on that.

My entire childhood my NPDmother would do this about me. She'd call up her church friends and tell them either something outrageously good (I was accepted to Harvard! I'm going to be a missionary to China!) so I would disappoint everyone when it wasn't true, or something horrible (I'm failing school, I am addicted to drugs, I sleep around) so they would feel sorry for her because she had such a tough time parenting such an awful kid.

I married a PB and my xh told a huge number of lies about me during the divorce. Just crazy stuff: I abused the kids but blamed it on him, I locked him in the basement to keep him away from other women, I stabbed him with a knife and tried to kill him. It was a challenge getting the judge to believe none of it was true.

So I think that's the most wounded part of me, still. Other PD behaviors bother me, but that one can just send me off the deep edge in a moment.

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Arya

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2016, 12:41:21 AM »
 :yeahthat: me too.  I really don't care if they are entitled, arrogant, histrionic, attention seeking overbearing, yadayada...that stuff I see coming a mile away and I don't internalize, it rolls off. The lying thing---totally sets me off. Regular gossip, or if someone doesn't like me, I can handle that. Someone saying lies about me...makes me so angry. I had similar experiences, lies said about me by family that projected their own bad behaviors on others. Also, they clearly figured out that lying could bait me into getting angry and yelling...then they could say "see you have a anger problem"...unfortunately, I took that bait easily and would shout and JADE get dragged into circular arguing....yuck!

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2016, 03:29:25 AM »
False accusations, gaslighting, (which are just types of lies), and trying to make me out to be stupid are my big three.  I also used to take the bait by arguing and JADEing which gave them the "proof" that I was the bad one and everything negative that was said about me was true. 

My absolute worst reaction was slapping my Nm in the face when she got in my face with spittle flying on me and viciously and repeatedly accused me of something that I never did, screamed the most vile slurs at me, and relentlessly pushed every one of my buttons until I lost my s*** and smacked her.

I've regretted it ever since because I feel ashamed for lashing out physically and it only gave her the "proof" of how I have such a "bad temper", but she'll never acknowledge  the fact that she baited me into doing it, and now she spins the slap into how I "punched her in the head with a closed fist" which has evolved into even further lies that I "abuse her physically and mentally every day". 

She really makes me out to be some sort of monster, yet people who know the both of us know that what she says is bs and the real bad behavior comes from her.

Sorry for ranting, but thinking about that really triggers me.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2016, 03:40:02 AM by SmolderingDragon »
"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2016, 05:38:45 AM »
Stangely enough, one of my 2 biggest triggers is seeing/hearing someone speaking to someone else in the same condescending, accusatory tone that my u/npd exH and his N wife  use with me.  It's strange because usually when I'm on the receiving end it's water off a duck's back. (Now. It wasn't always like that.)  But I see red and get very upset when I see it happening to someone else.

My other big trigger is when I am being stopped from taking my responsibility as a mother. Whether that's through beurocratic red tape or direct action by my u/npd exH and his N wife, it doesn't matter.

When the N Smum takes my son to a medical appointment that I had not been made aware of I'm not happy. When she comes into the consulting room with me at a medical appointment for my son I'm not happy. When she fills out medical forms regarding my son I'm not happy.  When she insists (in public) that she have a private conversation with my son regarding his medical situation. I'm not happy.

And when I'm told that my son is uncomfortable having me at his swimming lessons, medical appointments etc when I know full well that is not the case, I'm not happy.

When a swanky, expensive dental surgery in a classy part of town informs me that they can't have 2 email addresses on their file (for me and u/npd exH), I'm....

When a gp informs me that he won't let me know that he has seen my son, or give me a report of the consultation, when he knows that I possibly (probably) won't have been made aware of any such appointment, I give him the rounds of his consulting room! (Go me. It got me nowhere though. I suspect  he's an N so he's very chumny with my ex and hus wife.)

And when I am not allowed access to the policy number of ds' s health insurance?  Sigh.

AOD

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Arya

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2016, 11:31:17 AM »
Stangely enough, one of my 2 biggest triggers is seeing/hearing someone speaking to someone else in the same condescending, accusatory tone that my u/npd exH and his N wife  use with me.  It's strange because usually when I'm on the receiving end it's water off a duck's back. (Now. It wasn't always like that.)  But I see red and get very upset when I see it happening to someone else.

My other big trigger is when I am being stopped from taking my responsibility as a mother. Whether that's through beurocratic red tape or direct action by my u/npd exH and his N wife, it doesn't matter.

When the N Smum takes my son to a medical appointment that I had not been made aware of I'm not happy. When she comes into the consulting room with me at a medical appointment for my son I'm not happy. When she fills out medical forms regarding my son I'm not happy.  When she insists (in public) that she have a private conversation with my son regarding his medical situation. I'm not happy.

And when I'm told that my son is uncomfortable having me at his swimming lessons, medical appointments etc when I know full well that is not the case, I'm not happy.

When a swanky, expensive dental surgery in a classy part of town informs me that they can't have 2 email addresses on their file (for me and u/npd exH), I'm....

When a gp informs me that he won't let me know that he has seen my son, or give me a report of the consultation, when he knows that I possibly (probably) won't have been made aware of any such appointment, I give him the rounds of his consulting room! (Go me. It got me nowhere though. I suspect  he's an N so he's very chumny with my ex and hus wife.)

And when I am not allowed access to the policy number of ds' s health insurance?  Sigh.

AOD

Ouch, I'm really sorry you are experiencing this! My immediate thought is, this may be something to consult with an attorney about.  State DHHS, my gut instinct says, will not be particularly helpful. It seems to me your rights/law as your son's parent are not being respected. Regardless of whatever custody arrangements you have with EX-- as your son's parent you have a right to be informed of medical stuff, right to call the MD's and have information released to you. It is completely understandable that a parent would "just want to know" what appointments and medical stuff their kid has going on. As far as I am aware, a MD can not deny access to your child's medical information without a legal/court ordered restraint against a parent having the information. I think a consultation with a attorney would help pin down your rights, how to enforce them, and any documentation you may need in your arsenal to counter any BS from Ex, or the people around your kid, he has drawn into his web. Most attorney's offer a free initial consultation and chat, this can be pretty informative in and of itself.... and they will advise a plan/options and estimated fee for more action by them if required. It's amazing how far a $150 lawyer letter will get you in sorting out funny business...No, a PD isn't that deterred by such things, but the  MD's and other people around your son will not want to risk getting in hot water with a lawyer representing you if your rights have been violated etc. Most MD's poop their pants at any whiff of Lawyers ;0)

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2016, 01:13:08 PM »
I forgot to include hypocrisy and double standards on my list.  Being raised by PD parents and being sent to a private religious school for 13 years of my life where "do as I say, not as I do" was practiced daily, I'd say that those would be my other big triggers.
"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2016, 07:10:13 PM »
Thanks, Arya.

I've spent $1000s on solicitors re this matter and others.

Basically there are no laws stopping Step parents from filling out forms or attending medical appointments of children. All I can do is appeal to the medical venue to keep her out but most of them don't have a policy regarding attendees and if they did they are too scared to do anything to uphold it.

Our court orders are too vague and don't mention step parents or other 3rd parties.

A standard solicitor's letter to the medicos might help though so thanks for the idea.  Unfortunately my solicitor costs about $600/hour so such a letter could be pricier than $150!

I'm facing this situation again this week.  As per usual ds' s u/npd father is unlikely to attend and had already stated that N Smum will be there.

It's not just her attendance. It's the whole rigmorale of who pays how much when.  And whether or not he will use their insurance. He tends to pick and choose which appointments he will release the insurance for.

Last time N Smum insisted on claiming the bill on the insurance, thereby paying a gap, when it would have been covered IN FULL by medicare! :o :stars:

AOD

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Pantomeme

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2017, 12:33:34 PM »
Knowing that I am going somewhere that the NPD might show up at. Unfortunately I am the victim of someone who is still very much in my community. I really struggle with trying to decipher when I am letting fear keep me at home, and when I am walking into a situation I know I'm going to feel uncomfortable in. Hearing mention of the person or seeing their name on a friend's social media post is still so hard for me.

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Viola Violet

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2017, 08:35:53 PM »
Hmmm triggers. . . There are so many now. The older I get the more there seems to be. . .

As others have said above, lying is a really big deal. My sister who has many narcissistic qualities would tell lies from the moment she could talk.  It was always "she did it".  Or made up stories to see what I would do as she new I was a quiet sort uncomfortable with lots of attention. Example: when I had a fall and grazed my face I was off school for two days healing. I returned to school (I think I was about 9yrs old) everyone was steering at me. Apparently I had to get a glass eye. My parents didn't think it was a big deal and told me to tell them she lied, I'm fine. My sister is two years younger. She would steal my clothes, make up anything she wanted and never return it. Infact I usually found things broken or covered in mud or sand. She would hunt out and read my diary out loud to anyone. Again it was just kids being kids to my parents. Mum and dad worked full time and left me to be the one in charge after school for a couple hours. I hated trying to control an uncontrollable sister.  Mum would rage at her (sometimes both of us) when she was home for the weekend or a few days so I would wonder why/how she thought that a child could be in charge of such a devil child when she, the adult, had trouble controlling her.  So this leads me into the next thing that triggers me. . .

Neglect really upsets me. Into a weepy, sad, hopeless depression.  We had to move cities for dad's job when I was 11yrs old.  The only good thing I had was some friends and I had to say goodbye.  When the movie inside out came out, my kids wanted to watch it.  I just thought yea sure it's a kids movie. But I cried uncontrollably.  I remember so vividly being in unfamiliar surroundings. No one to talk to. Only a purposefully agrivating sister and parents so busy they never noticed anything in my life besides my school reports. I still feel extremely alone.

My final trigger is people that refuse to learn.  When you have to repeatedly tell a person where to find something or how to do something or what not to say.  I blew up at my mum for visiting unannounced and walking straight in to our house all the time.  I had asked nicely to knock a few times. Or even better text me when you are coming. She seemed to erase this request as if it was meant for someone else. I asked if she barged in on her friends and she responded but we're family.  I lost it there even worse. I'm not proud of my verbal outburst that rattled off so many reasons I don't really consider us a family. The conclusion was that family would not treat family the way you all treated me. And I was trying to establish a new family with better respect and a thought for security. 
Also refusing to learn is my husband. Not only can he not cook a dinner but his efforts in cleaning up the kitchen after I cook for the family are rediculous. For more than 20 years I have been telling him how to store food but he constantly puts vegetables in a place that they freeze and wither.  He puts open cans in the fridge without any cover and thinks it's good to heat and eat some days later. I swear he has an iron stomach and would have poisoned our kids.  He doesn't think wiping the bench is part of doing dishes either. It's just infuriating after two decades of telling him of the dangers of food contamination. (Needless to say we are not romantically involved anymore. But due to finances still live together).

So I guess that's it. . Lying, Neglect and not listening/learning.

PS I have more examples of these from so called friends over the years too but it would be a novel.
Hurt people, hurt people.

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Crayola13

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2017, 08:56:17 PM »
My trigger is a company of person who advertises Christianity. I've learned to immediately run in the other direction if a corporation says "Christian owned a Operated". Same for people who claim they are Christians and are always voicing that they are devout believers. If they advertise it, or seem to overtly flaunt Christianity, that usually means they are not Christians, and that they are terrible people.

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looloo

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2017, 09:43:06 PM »
My trigger is a company of person who advertises Christianity. I've learned to immediately run in the other direction if a corporation says "Christian owned a Operated". Same for people who claim they are Christians and are always voicing that they are devout believers. If they advertise it, or seem to overtly flaunt Christianity, that usually means they are not Christians, and that they are terrible people.

This isn't a trigger for me, but as a consumer,  it's a red flag for sure.  I've been burned before by a business owner who was full of the "good Christian" talk, complete with his voice mail offering "blessings".  He was a mobile veterinarian who tried to get my mother, who has dementia, to pay $$$ for needless and risky surgery for her dog.  I was LIVID, and promptly found a different vet, making a mental not NOT to do business with someone claiming to have some phony moral high ground.  The same goes for any company claiming to be "veteran owned". What does that have to do with anything, if what I'm paying for is a product or service?  I HATE that kind of manipulation!
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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BunnyLover

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2017, 03:10:50 PM »
Yup: In my experience any company that needs to prominently display their Christianity or Patriotism (like American Flags on their letterhead, etc.,) right in your face generally aren't run by nice people, and usually make crappy overpriced products, don't stand by the quality of their work, etc.

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GirlInterrupted0913

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2017, 08:50:41 AM »
Absolutely .... the lying is a really big deal for me too.
Every PD I"ve ever had the unfortunate opportunity to be associated with has done this... lied to me, about me (smear) or set me up to look guilty of something I was not. Lying has always been a huge trigger for me..
I was "raised" by chronic liars.
SO infuriating !! 
Another hot trigger for me is manipulation, and now that I am OOTF, I can spot it happening instantly.
I USED to let that kind of thing slide and actually capitulate to it just so I didn't have to stand up for myself or god forbid "rock the boat"
I would let people completely use and abuse me and willingly go along with it just because I was too afraid and fogged not to.
Not anymore ... And not only do I not tolerate it.... I call them out for it immediately.
It seriously makes me sick how much I used to put up with. Its almost unbelievable that I would...
Lastly... abuse in any form sends me into a spiral
If I see someone being abused on any level; especially children, elderly and animals, I immediately react.
The one most prevalent change in me since coming OOTF is that I have zero tolerance for that in my life and will not stand idly by if I see it happening outside of my life. ,
Completely unacceptable





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randompanda

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2017, 12:49:57 PM »
Lying is definitely up there for me, but my number one trigger is someone telling me that I "have to" attend something like a party or a social function.  Even if it's a friend who I really love whose intentions are friendly, as soon as someone says, "But you HAVE TO be there!", I just completely shut down.  My PD FOO forced me to endure so many family "parties" over the years, all of which seemed to be centered around emotionally abusing and humiliating me from the time I walked in the door, and usually lasted upwards of 12 hours.  I always felt trapped and helpless the entire time and then would cry the entire drive home.  I hated going to those parties, but when I was in the FOG, I thought I had no choice.

Now that I'm OOTF and have told PD FOO to shove off, when anybody else makes me feel like I have no choice in the places I go or things I do, I get SO defensive.  It's not uncommon for me to snap back, "I am a 45 year old grown woman, and I don't HAVE TO do anything I don't want to do, so why don't you just back off?!"

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Newlife33

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2017, 05:11:39 PM »
One sided conversations really trigger me.  If someone starts blabbering on or trying to get validation from me I want to slap them across the face with a hard soled shoe.

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hellobliss123

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2017, 06:52:27 PM »
When any child or animal is neglected or ignored, I have this insatiable desire to go and hug them. Sometimes I read things on this site and wish I could hold the person who wrote it, especially those whom are being treated poorly by a parent.

Last night my brother's dog was in pain and my sis-in-law headed to the store to get some pain meds for him. I just held the dog and whispered in his ear that he was a good boy and I cared about his pain.

I'm also triggered when people (exh) accuse me of doing something with bad intentions. My ex used to call me crazy all the time and "correct" me to try to convince me I meant hurt behind my attempts to understand or heal.

« Last Edit: March 19, 2017, 06:54:27 PM by hellobliss123 »

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anastasia

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2017, 07:54:22 PM »
I can't stand being manipulated, so my biggest trigger is when someone says "Would you like to [do xyz]?" when they really mean "Will you [do xyz]?" It sounds trivial but it really bugs me and sometimes in response I've said "No I don't want to do that, but I will do it anyway". It's an everyday manipulation that is built into our culture in the UK.
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Gabigab

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2017, 09:52:33 PM »
When someone is trying to diminish my feelings.
I recently made some confessions (very superficial ones, not deep) about my ex to an acquaintance - someone I take classes with, and she said almost immediately that I probably got what he said to me wrong, that maybe I misinterpreted him. Wow! How can someone says that without even really knowing me or the story? I perfectly know that he was mean and wanted to be mean. I know everything isn't black or white. But I already took large steps back with her and I will try to establish better boundaries.
Oh and I learned that this woman is BPD (she said it herself to me). How come in the world have I to deal with another PD for 2 years from now? I am sick of it.

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enufbs

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2017, 01:13:14 PM »
A big trigger for me is when someone asks me to do something for them. For years my default response was yes and before I knew it I was getting involved in all sorts of ridiculous situations "doing for" others and then feeling resentful about it and feeling stuck and trying to get out if it. I realize I don't really want to do these things. I'm not inherently a people pleaser but I was well trained by family to do grunt work and I never had a say in the matter. I become so uncomfortable when someone asks a favor, (and even people who are not character disordered will ask favors) and here's why (it's so absurd, but it's the truth): I don't want them to feel uncomfortable if I say no! Just writing this I realize how screwy it is. Why is it OK for me to be uncomfortable but not them? I also think part of this is I don't ask favors of people, so I do find it a bit obnoxious when people ask me favors, especially people I'm not friends with. And though I am saying "no" or "I can't do that" a lot more now, I still follow up with a reason so that the other person standing in my face doesn't feel embarrassed for asking, as I would in the same situation.