What's your worst trigger/reaction ?

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randompanda

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2017, 02:08:48 PM »
enufbs - I had a similar experience coming OOTF, when I realized the same thing of "Why is it ok for me to be uncomfortable but not them?"  It's amazing how that question kind of sums up the experience of living with someone (or being raised by someone) with PD.  They can dish out the discomfort without batting an eyelash, but we're made to believe that we can NEVER make them feel that way in return. 

I've been trying to implement that question into all of my interactions with the PDs in my life, and it's been working out really well for me.  My BPD brother used to force me to endure hours-long telephone conversations where he would rant and rave and fall apart and expect me to put him back together.  I would let him rant on for hours without interrupting him, even if he was really upsetting me or I really needed to get off the phone.  Yet I would sit there and endure it because I didn't want to "upset" him.  Enduring his phone calls always made me really upset, but I somehow made his being upset more important than my being upset.

It's really tough sometimes, though.  Sometimes I'm shocked at the things people ask me to do, and I get so caught off-guard by them, I'll end up saying, "Maybe?  I'll have to check and let you know." when what I really need to say is, "No, I can't do that." 

My MIL told me that I need to start cutting her hair (I'm not a hair stylist, by the way), and instead of saying "No" I just said, "Uhhhh.  Well, I'm not a hair stylist and I've never cut anyone's hair besides my husband's and I don't think I'd do a good job..."  This was her cue to say, "Great!  You can do it the next time you come over!" 

Then I get all caught up in the notion of, "Who asks someone to cut their hair, when they clearly are uncomfortable with it??  Can she TELL I don't want to do it?!"  I figure if she brings it up again, I won't be as caught off-guard, and I'll be able to tell her that I'm just not comfortable doing it.  But when they catch you off-guard like that, it's really hard!

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enufbs

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2017, 02:51:24 PM »
Random, just remember saying maybe is still much better than saying yes! I don't have PD in-laws, but the haircutting thing is definitely weird. My requests were along the lines of babysitting and petsitting. And yes, it's the getting caught off guard thing that makes me so mad. I think it's good to just have phrases ready like, "I can't. I've got too much to do," and decide ahead of time to use it and let them be uncomfortable for once because why should I feel uncomfortable over someone else's imposing request? It's so ass-backwards!

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Magnet

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2017, 03:56:57 PM »
In reading these "triggering" events, I start to wonder. Since those of us posting here are having difficult times from PD persons, since the triggers bother us enough to seek out sites like this, and since the triggers are similar among several of us, I question what is our attractiveness to PDs? Are PDs seeing something in us that makes us somehow more vulnerable to their inappropriate behaviors?

Any thoughts on that?

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enufbs

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2017, 07:15:28 PM »
I think people with character disorders are attracted to people of good character who have weak boundaries, so they can screw with them.

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Magnet

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #24 on: April 11, 2017, 10:14:35 PM »
 :yes:

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Foreignwoman

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #25 on: April 16, 2017, 10:45:28 AM »
Not being seen or believed   :'(

FW
Freedom is never voluntary given by the oppressor, it is demanded by the oppressed.

Martin Luther King, Jr

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Seichan

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #26 on: April 16, 2017, 12:38:09 PM »
One sided conversations really trigger me.  If someone starts blabbering on or trying to get validation from me I want to slap them across the face with a hard soled shoe.

LOL. Me too.

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Invisiblonde

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What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #27 on: June 30, 2017, 01:36:02 PM »
"ReLAX!"

Without N Smirk / Air: Roll eyes; wring hands; remind self to breathe; leave area.

With N Smirk / Air: Immediately succumb to that sickening, choking, impotent rage; lose all my shit; hate me more than ever for doing so.

This trigger also includes any other such attempts to invalidate or minimize my feelings, like that stoooooooopid thing where one lover puts his / her finger(s) over the other's mouth and says, "Shhhhhh. . . " AND lyrics like those ones in David Bowie's China Doll:

"Oh, baby; just you shut your mouth. . . "

Essentially, being patronized makes me Irrational  >:(

(PS: I love David Bowie and consider myself a huge fan, just not of that song.)

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Broken1849

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #28 on: August 24, 2017, 06:31:13 PM »
Having my feelings/emotions disregarded or downplayed.

Being gaslighted.

Seeing animals abused or neglected.

Any one of these leads to a full blown panic/anxiety attack and/or  a wave of almost uncontrollable rage. And yeah, I'm working on that.  :doh:

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Seven

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #29 on: August 24, 2017, 11:18:14 PM »
The word "worthless"

uNPDexH use to say this to me all the time.  The only way i knew i wasn't was because of a pillow my aunt crossstiched/needlepointed probably before I was born that had a teddy bear on it and a saying "I know I'm somebody 'cause God don't make no junk". I had to keep telling myself that over and over and over.

So that word is no longer in my vocabulary, and i dont care if DH is even talking about an inanimate object...I will go off if I hear the word.

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CamasFlower

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #30 on: August 25, 2017, 02:31:45 AM »
When someone is trying to diminish my feelings.
I recently made some confessions (very superficial ones, not deep) about my ex to an acquaintance - someone I take classes with, and she said almost immediately that I probably got what he said to me wrong, that maybe I misinterpreted him. Wow! How can someone says that without even really knowing me or the story? I perfectly know that he was mean and wanted to be mean. I know everything isn't black or white. But I already took large steps back with her and I will try to establish better boundaries.
Oh and I learned that this woman is BPD (she said it herself to me). How come in the world have I to deal with another PD for 2 years from now? I am sick of it.
YES I hear you.   :yeahthat: That is how I was raised.  Any time I would confide in my parents that someone was picking on me they would say "grow a thicker skin" or "They were just kidding". I used to be very proud of how thick my skin was with uPDh. Now that sounds ridiculous.  Go me! Look at all this abuse I'm taking! But it's a main reason I don't tell anyone what uPDh is really like.   I can't stand being dismissed like what I'm saying has no value. Even though I think most people just find it hard to believe that someone would treat another person that way.

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biggerfish

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #31 on: August 27, 2017, 04:11:01 AM »
Being underestimated is my biggest trigger. I was raised by two pds who thought i had no brains, in spite of strong evidence to the contrary.

I'm now sixty, and to this day, having my intelligence questioned, not being believed, and being dismissed, all make me ballistic.




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Mintstripes

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #32 on: August 27, 2017, 06:09:56 AM »
I hate the words that my PD CO parents labeled me with growing up: selfish, difficult, abnormal, critical, argumentative, negative, "sourpuss". Ugh!!! When I was a kid they told me I was "abnormal" all the time and threatened to take me to a "child psychologist" whenever they were mad at me.
Last year in MC, my uPDh, who is aware of th toxic upbringing I had, said I was "difficult" and I was immediately triggered, which I expressed and explained in front of the T. H then snapped back "Well maybe if people have told you you're difficult, there's a reason!"
The words stung me so badly. In that moment, he really betrayed me.

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #33 on: August 27, 2017, 01:52:17 PM »
Being underestimated is my biggest trigger. I was raised by two pds who thought i had no brains, in spite of strong evidence to the contrary.

I'm now sixty, and to this day, having my intelligence questioned, not being believed, and being dismissed, all make me ballistic.

I totally forgot about that, biggerfish!  Being treated like I was a mentally challenged 5 y/o used to really set me off.  I was raised by two PD's as well, even though it was mainly my M who did that and my F to a lesser extent.

It got to the peak of crazy-making when I used to work for my M.  Since it's been years since then, I hadn't really thought about it.  Most people I've worked with never did that since it's quite obvious that I'm quite intelligent and competent, but there have been a few over the years that have really set me over the edge with that sort of treatment.  :hulk:
"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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biggerfish

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #34 on: August 27, 2017, 09:42:27 PM »
I'm also triggered when someone says "that's not what i said" when indeed it was exactly what they said. It feels like gaslighting even when coming from a non. When this happens i want to tear my hair out. I won't allow anyone to tell me i did not hear what i heard. DH has now learned to correct himself and say "that's not what I MEANT. "

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DaisyGirl77

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #35 on: August 29, 2017, 07:26:41 AM »
I'm also triggered when someone says "that's not what i said" when indeed it was exactly what they said. It feels like gaslighting even when coming from a non. When this happens i want to tear my hair out. I won't allow anyone to tell me i did not hear what i heard. DH has now learned to correct himself and say "that's not what I MEANT. "

OMG, YES.  Yes, to all this.  Drives me fucking batty, even when people say, "That's not what I meant."  My POV is if it's not what you meant, then say what you mean.

One of mine is putting words in my mouth.  A (possibly PD?) coworker learned this the hard way when she did exactly that by saying that I didn't "like what she said." in an email to our boss.  (Scenario:  I asked her a question about something as I was new to my position/job.  She answered & then booked it before I could ask a follow-up question to clarify.  This is her MO, so I went to another person who explained it all in great detail to me.)  I came down HARD on her.  I got verbally reprimanded for it, but I don't regret it one bit as it needed to be said, & she needed to be called onto the carpet for the covert shit she does.
I lived with my dad's uPD mom for 3.5 years.  This is my story:  http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=59780.0  (TW for abuse descriptions.)

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm." - Anonymous

NC with uNM since December 2016.  VLC with uPDF.

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GirlInterrupted0913

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #36 on: August 30, 2017, 11:04:08 AM »
Triggers for me are....

*Abuse of any kind. Especially toward children, elderly, handicapped and animals
*Bullying of any kind
*When someone tries to manipulate me or use me to suit some twisted agenda
*Being misrepresented, misquoted or lied about
*Neglected children. I especially can't stand when a young child is in distress, crying to have their needs met and the parent is ignoring them or telling them to shut up. I'm not referring to a child's temper tantrum. I specifically mean a child whose basic needs are not being met. Also children who are under clothed in cold weather or in an air conditioned environment. I cringe when I see a baby in a shopping cart in a store where the AC is blasting and the baby has on a onesie and no socks or a blanket.
Another one is seeing a mother/father grab their toddler by the arm and drag them around at a pace they can't keep up with instead of picking them up and carrying them.
*Witnessing any blatant disregard for our environment.
*Being treated as if I am unhinged or psychologically damaged when I insist on people doing the next right thing.....




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TalenCrowhaven

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2017, 06:16:37 PM »
Mostly the lies and gas lighting used in smear campaigns, along with the interrogations used to glean information to support these behaviors. The constant triangulations, withholding information, and baiting are also huge triggers.

No way to have any kind of minimal contact at all with these types! The more distance I put in place, the more stuff they invent all on their own too.

No contact is a beautiful thing when you're damned no matter what you do or say.

Flying Monkeys are a particular pain!

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NotFooled

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #38 on: September 06, 2017, 12:36:27 PM »
My biggest trigger is the silent treatment.  For me it's emotionally abusive since my PDGM use to do this to me as a child as a form of control.
Unfortunately the group of friends I had for about 20 years use to do this to one another and me for years. I've even did this along with them one time.  Now I realize how toxic this behavior is and feel ashamed I participated.

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findingmywaybacktome

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Re: What's your worst trigger/reaction ?
« Reply #39 on: September 18, 2017, 02:39:15 PM »
I think people with character disorders are attracted to people of good character who have weak boundaries, so they can screw with them.

I agree.