Please help me understand what i am dealing with

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Adopted

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Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« on: December 17, 2016, 07:49:51 PM »
Hi,

I am noticing some unhealthy behaviors directed toward me by my adopted mom- I am a full grown adult.

I feel she constantly infantilizes me. For example, when others are around she treats them with respect but constantly lays into me with criticizing, ie nothing i do is good enough and cant so anything right. Its one no-win after another. I feel she tries to control every aspect of my life with constant "lecturing" like she knows everything that is best for me and i cant do anything for myself without her opinions and -or advise.

I feel in a bad mood when im around her and its spilling into the times i am not arpund her because i am so angry about how i am being treated.

I am trying to cope the best i can and have resorted to excusing myself and walking away when she behaves this way only to return to accusations, more infantilization and being treated like i am the one who has the problem- in front of other people. Now when she antagonizes me i assert boundaries by saying i dont want to talk about my personal bisiness when she prys, suddenly i find myself being blamed for being "hostile" and now she says other people are noticing how badly i am suppsedly treating her and ot feels like i am constantly under attack for putting distance between us. I try as hard as i can to be nice but its becoming more difficult and think at thos point she is projecting her crap on me and is trying to turn others against me in the process.

Today she asked if i was sick and told me i was "constipated". And then proceeded to accuse me of being hostile and she doesnt feel ok being around me after i said o was feeling great and made up the exuse i was focused on what i was doing to avoid more antagonization for not giving in to her accusations and becoming a gray rock to gove her nothing to feed off. She aaks what is weong if she did anything and i dont say anything because she uses every word i say against me. So i suffer in silence. If i show a tinge of not being happy i am suddenly hosyile and the problem and other people are "noticing".

This has been a problem in past and i actually dismt tall to her for a year and we made up

I have been working on ways to manage this but at this point i know i need to most likely go no contact and cut cords and attachments and am trying to refain my personal power and what feels like she is trying to break me down and make herself look good because i am refusing to be her supply any longer.

Please help me understand what o am dealing with. Thanks!!!


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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2016, 10:26:11 PM »
Warm welcome and I'm sorry you're dealing with such terrible manipulation and guilt tripping. First ignore the part about other people noticing. If they do rest assured NonPD persons most certainly will notice one adult (her) boundary stomping all over a grown adult.

Next stop by the Toolbox for a good look at Boundaries topic and the Working on Us sticky post here
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

Please know you're not alone and her behavior is way out of line. You have every right to find your voice and push back on such abuse. Welcome and wishing you peace.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
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LeeJane

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2016, 03:24:17 AM »
Warm welcome, Adopted.

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2016, 01:19:54 AM »
Thank you so much for your support!' My eyes a re wide open and today i had enough. I paid attention and noticed how she talked about nothing but herself for hours straight making herself center of attention, talked bad about other people,  and she lost it when i refused to put her on a pedastol. Others noticed too! She tried to control what somebody else did, was told "no" - and she continued to try control and opress that paerson by repeating herself after being told "no".

Again i was called hostile after i stopped walking on eggshells and stoood up for myself. She pointed her finger at me and instead of reacting i responded by telling her she was pointing her finger at me & she looked at her finger as she was ppinting at me and claim she wasnt pointing her finger at me as she was still pointingg her finger at me!! Like talkkng to a wall!! Then told me i was attacking her and i told her she was projecting her bad behavior onto me! She tried changing the subject and telling me about my past to make me look bad in front of others and i told her not to chnge the subject and to stop accusing me of things. Of coarse she denied accusing me and continued to accuse ne of crazy crap and i didnt budge. Didnt take responsibility or apologize and she continied to accuse away! Said i was making others uncomfortable so i threw it right back at her and asked the person next to her she was referring to if i was making them incomfortable as she said i had, and she acted like a victim and said to this person how hostile i was!! Un real. I was shaking but i didmt. back down or let up or give in. She actually ended up leaving the room and giving me the silent treatmwnt! Its over and i am done for good this time. I see right throigh her and nothing she can say or do will change that im not buying her crap anymore. I feel great!! She has no power over me and has lost my trust and respect indefinately. Almost threw up after getting home but its over and i will never call her my "mom" again. How toxic and dysfuntional and she isnt my problem anymore. I told her she was creating drama i didnt appreciate it and to please stop. She lost it!! And the person she was tring to use against me actually confirmed i was in the right, not acting hostile and told me she had been talking about me and acting like a victim about how i was supposedly treating her- validation at last!! I read that link off reply i got and every single narcossostic action behavior presented itself and i was ready for it and called it out and she has officially been exposed. She even tried using the giult trip of how much she had done for me and how ungratefuli was but i nailed it this time and will never pit myself in a situation to subject myself to such abusive behavior. Cant beloeve she trued to use personal stuff i confided in her against me. Who knows what she is capable of! Very sad a grown woman would treat another person in such a way, edpecially somebody she claimed to be her "daughter". Yep, today is a new day for me and i am free!!

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Sunshine days

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2016, 07:19:01 AM »
Well done adopted, it's not a easy road but recovery is possible, your story reminded me of the day I stopped walking on eggshells. You have to remember now they don't change ever and we begin to see narcs everywhere and we even have narc fleas in the family and in ourselves. Good luck and never give up on yourself. Xx

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2016, 10:07:09 AM »
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :yahoo:
Aaaaaa! Three cheers and a shout out!

I can imagine you must have been shaking something awful and it's so great you didn't back down!

"She has no power over me" and "validation" yes!

I do wish I could've been a fly on the wall and seen the whole thing especially the part where you turn to the other party and ask if she's uncomfortable! Priceless!
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2016, 03:01:04 PM »
Thank you! Ive decided it isnt healthy for me to call her "mom" and now refer to and call her by first name- and when she called me daughter in front of others  multiple times and i didnt respond, except by calling her by her first name,  she started calling me daughter again in a nasty tone and it felt like being an obligated object and i again continued and continue to call her by her first name- and never again "mom". She can not make me or break me. I have already decided to no longer associate with her and it wont be long until i can go completely No Contact until some loose ends get tied up.

There are so many red flags ive noticed and want to share experiences about, so here is a good list of some of what ive been dealing with: Alienation, Baiting, Belittle/ Condescend / Patronize, Blaming, Bullying, Chaos manufacture, Chrinic broken promises, Circular conversations, Codependency, Cognitive Dissonance, Compulsive lying,  Denial of autonomy, Emotional abuse, Emotional blackmail, Engulfment, False accusations, Favortism, Flying monkeys, FOG, Gaslighting, Grooming, High functioning, Hoovering, Inertness, Infantilization, Instrumentality, Inertment reinforcement, Intimidation, Invalidation, Lose Lose/ No Win scenario, Manipulation, Masking, Mirroring, Name calling, Objectification, Ownership, Projection, Push Pull, Queen, Relationship hypervigilance, Sabotage, Scapegoating, Selective competence, Self aggrandizement, Self victimization, Sense of entitlement, Shaming, Smear campaign, Targeted humor/ mocking/ sarcasm, Thought policing, Triangulation, Triggering, Verbal abuse, Waif, Witch,

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2016, 03:53:33 PM »
Now that i can see the truth, and it cant be unseen, i know i am a threat to her. Already shes talking behind my back just like all the horrible things she says about others but can still use them for what she needs them for. All the pictures of herself in the kitchen on the fridge that she points out to company - even childhood photos- to make people gawk at her and tell her how amazing she is. All the poor me my life has been so hard statements to make others feel sorry for her. All the lies she makes up about herself to be center of attention and compare how wonderful she is and be exactly like other people when she didnt even have that experience others have had. All the talking over other people to talk about herself even when she asked somebody else a question and then she answers it for them. All the exhausting non stop talking she can and will do about herself for hours to make herself look great. All the same stories she tells about herslef over and over again without new dialogue and tells them to differerent people. All the constant praise she seeks and will cast others out for not putting her on pedastol. All the physical ailments she complains about, does not take care of and is in constant poor me status. All the manipulative actions that she tries covering up withhow amazing she is because she cooks for everybody, refuses help and acts exhausted from all that she does for people because shes such a wonderful person who just cares so much about others she neglects herself. All the times she competes for attention in a conversation, like shes feeding off attention by sucking people in and making them think she is more amazing than them. All the times she dictated others accomidate her wishes like by taking shoes off in her house and shes still wearing shoes! I see through it all!

She is like an actress who is playing the part of acting like a human and i dont believe there is anything genuine about her- i do not feel she is truly capable of human emotion or compassion or empathy. Ive noticed she is so shallow that when she does act like she cares she has to do it in front of people to make it look genuine because other people saw it and now she has an audience. Its all about getting what she wants by controlling others and distracting them so nobody notices. But im finally paying attention now and am taking appropriate action so she no longer can do this to me anymore. Done!

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TakingFlight

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2016, 06:39:14 PM »
Great job on standing up for yourself and calling your "mom" out on her bad behaviour, that takes a lot of guts! It can be hard when first coming Out of the FOG, sometimes it's incredibly validating to find out information and realise how messed up the situation is, other times it can be devastating to realise how little the people who were meant to love and care for you actually did. At least that's been my experience. It's a long journey but very liberating once you realise that the dysfunction was never about you, but was about them.

And Sunshine Days - thanks for that link! great information on there

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Sunshine days

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2016, 08:04:48 AM »
Your welcome taking flight, I accepted most of that article as my own experience . I like the way adopted has wrote what is narc is all about. I never thought about doing a profile on mine but I think I could manage it now that I am in a better place the only thing is she's exactly the same , wow!!!! Great idea then you can really analyse the behaviour. What is chaos manufacture ? Adopted , surely it doesn't mean they create trouble. Interesting post, learning loads again . Have a lovely Xmas day everyone xxxx thanks for being part of my life this year at Out of the FOG.

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2016, 09:59:08 PM »
Thanks again Sunshine Days, Taking Flight, Spring Butterfly and LeeJane. Chaos Manufacture, to me, she is basically creating unneccessary drama. Oops! I forgot to add Ranking and Comparing to list.  I went through the Glossary (here on Out of the FOG) and listed all terms that applied to my situation. Very interesting that there are so many similarities in the people who exhibit personality disorder traits and we are all able to communicate this to help eachother in this forum. I am working on *responding* rather than *reacting* to these behaviours when they occur, ie -being part of the solution instead of adding to the problem. Ive noticed she enjoys getting a reaction out of me - as if shes doing these things on purpose like a 2 year old seeking out negative attention. Im also working on remaining calm and not letting her actions affect me, especially while in her prescence, but in allhonesty as soon as i left her house a couple days ago i lost it in the driveway because im so frustrated exhausted and angry after having to deal with her.  Thank you so much Out of the FOG, i really needed this forum and to express myself in an anonymous safe place!!

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MidnightOwl

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2016, 10:24:36 PM »
Adopted - So happy to see your breakthrough in this post, how great it is when things start to click and we find others who just "get" it?

Spring Butterfly - Great point about how non NPD people will see the behavior of the NPD as odd. I'd never really thought of that and always felt like I had to defend myself or prove that my parents were wrong about me. How enlightening to think that others probably saw the problematic behavior from the start :)


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Sunshine days

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #13 on: December 25, 2016, 05:17:40 PM »
Adopted , I am at that stage looking at ways to not respond, just seen her trying to get a rise out of me and was disgusted by the way she gets a kick out of it , it hurt me but I am moving along real fast to keep one step ahead. They do get you to snap , the other day I was calm and loving and she still mad out I had upset her and that I was shouting , always the victim as well as the abuser. Good luck, let me know any tips you find. Merry Xmas x

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2016, 02:17:15 AM »
Sunshine Days, good for you and thank you for sharing. I have been waiting for the day where i no longer have to respond and it looks like thats today! Ive been doing sidework for her, which i havent even gotten paid for yet, and just got an email that she can no longer work with me because- here comes the broken record accusations-- i make others "uncomfortable". Basically since i see through her, stood up to her and am no longer putting up with her abuse any longer she knows she cant control me and cant handle it. I can totally relate to what you mean when you say about them trying to get a rise then a kick out of it-- i read the email and didnt reply so she sent a text to rub in my face to read the email she sent ending it with-- get this: "XO". I didnt respond to the text either. Definately the victim as well as the abuser, just like you said!! I figured this would happen when i stood up to her the other day, but have respect for myself that she has no power over me. Happy Holidays!

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2016, 05:53:41 AM »
And I decided to send her an email reply after all- to end this mother/ daughter nightmare for good. I was nice and apologized if this hurt her feelings but that she might have already noticed i am basically not calling her my mom any longer, i have been and will be calling her by her name and to please stop calling me her daughter and to please start calling me by my name. No question this is officially game over! Enough is enough

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2016, 09:07:05 AM »
And I decided to send her an email reply after all- to end this mother/ daughter nightmare for good. I was nice and apologized if this hurt her feelings but that she might have already noticed i am basically not calling her my mom any longer, i have been and will be calling her by her name and to please stop calling me her daughter and to please start calling me by my name. No question this is officially game over! Enough is enough
Good you did what's good for you and let her choose how to feel about your personal choices. You put it out there and now you can remind her if she "forgets" your request each and every time call her out on it. If she can't address you as you have respectfully requested then you might have to consider dialing back contact further for your own emotional protection.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2016, 12:29:19 PM »
Thank you Spring Butterfly. I havent gotten a reply and i honestly dont care how she takes it. She isnt my problem any more. After last week i see clearly what ive been dealing with and deciced to go no contact and this was just another step in that process. Now i am going to try and recover what she owes me through her husband so i dont have to deal with her again. She and her husband were going through counseling awhile back, so i know i am not the only one who has had problems with her. Im counting my blessings that she will no longer be a part of my life

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #18 on: December 30, 2016, 11:14:51 AM »

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #19 on: December 31, 2016, 11:44:23 PM »
Pretty spot on, good article.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog