Please help me understand what i am dealing with

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2017, 02:36:47 PM »
Thank you for all your support! Shes been blocked off my phone since last month and now shes blocked off my facebook too. NO CONTACT! No way im ever putting up with that behavior anymore. Theres no going back, she completely lost my trust and respect. That door is closed and it feels great!

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Sunshine days

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #21 on: January 20, 2017, 04:46:40 PM »
Don't blame you, get rid of the toxic waste . I don't trust mine either, I found out what a two faced gossiper she really was in the end.  It's bliss so peaceful.

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betta fish

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #22 on: January 20, 2017, 09:16:12 PM »
This is an unfortunate place to be in.  Being consistently belittled and then criticized for not taking it with a smile.  I think you are being the bigger person by walking away and I also know being the bigger person sucks! I don't know if you are looking for advice, but here it is.  Maybe distancing yourself from this woman would be a way to go. Refuse invitations, make excuses for why you cannot make it.  The other thing is, I believe it is OK to say something back to an insult or criticism.  Nothing to cause a scene, but a "That was a hurtful thing to say." is perfectly acceptable, in my eyes.  If you are lucky, someone might agree (even subtly) and this may cause her to change in fear of a comeback in the future.  This is particularly effective with people who consider image and social standing very important.   If you think this will cause a scene or turn into a big screaming match, don't do it. Best of luck. 

The other thing is I am not sure, by your post, if this is a new behaviour or it has always been that way.  If it is new, maybe having an honest discussion would solve the issue.
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #23 on: January 22, 2017, 05:12:33 PM »
Thank you Sunshine Days and betta fish. I believe this behavior has always been there and the longer i encountered her the more i notice it. Now that i am no longer interacting with her i am paying attention  and see it even more clearly. Its so bad that when she doesnt like somebody she will actually make up something negative about that person and will say the person has a disease/ disorder to justify herself. And then her husband will use the same lingo about somebody he doesnt like! Its beyond anything i will ever deal with any longer. Theres no hope. I will be avoiding public social interactions from now on as well- especially since i know she has begun talking badly about me to others, and after hearing the despairaging back stabbing comments she has made about others i can only imagine what she must be saying about me now that i have gone no contact and she wants to make herself look good. I am so happy i can see through her and will never fall for her fake act again!

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Sunshine days

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #24 on: January 22, 2017, 05:35:16 PM »
I to found mine slags me down I have close friends in on the act and wow!!! thats how I got her sussed out and over my heartache. It's good when we get pass the fake dance . Best of luck xx

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Rock Chick

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #25 on: January 23, 2017, 08:36:05 AM »
Ive decided it isnt healthy for me to call her "mom" and now refer to and call her by first name...

My bf's sister has made sorta similar decision re: not calling ones mom "mom" but calling by her first name. Except in some instances she will try to call her mom when trying to speak to her mom. However if she wont respond nor acknowledge then she calls her mom by her name will just say "Suzie" is her name (its not btw). If her mom will treat her nicely and treat her like a mom should treat her daughter and like a human being should then she calls her mom but if she doesnt and she is mean abusive etc toward her then my bf's sister calls her "Suzie". This upsets (& supposedly hurts and confuses) her severely bpd etc mom and she asks why cuz she pretends not to understand why but its clear she knows why (she even when her therapist brings it up and she will get pissy n she will say she knows why and repeat a few things said well when she isnt playing the victim that is). So first couple times this happened we were nice to her , validated and explained why. She said she understood and promised she would change so that her daughter would call her mom instead of by her first name. However she continues on and will from time to time ask again why wont my bf's sister call her mom. We simply state we now it must hurt to not have her call her mom but we will not repeat the explanation/answer to question of why nor what she has to do to make things change. We tell her she know what needs to be done as she has stated so in therapy but what she does is her own decision. If she truly doesnt like being called by her first name then follow her promise and the words spoken before. Well not using so many words but thats the just of it. I almost think she be better off doing as you have Adopted and just never call her mom again and only call her "Suzie" as it be healthier and "Suzie" doesnt really deserve to be called mom anyways because she has never treated her daughter, like a mom should treat her and be a mom for lack of better words and wording. Sorry a lil rambly there.

So here is a good list of some of what ive been dealing with: Alienation, Baiting, Belittle/ Condescend / Patronize, Blaming, Bullying, Chaos manufacture, Chronic broken promises, Circular conversations, Codependency, Cognitive Dissonance, Compulsive lying,  Denial of autonomy, Emotional abuse, Emotional blackmail, Engulfment, False accusations, Favoritism, Flying monkeys, FOG, Gaslighting, Grooming, High functioning, Hoovering, Inertness, Infantilization, Instrumentality, Inertment reinforcement, Intimidation, Invalidation, Lose Lose/ No Win scenario, Manipulation, Masking, Mirroring, Name calling, Objectification, Ownership, Projection, Push Pull, Queen, Relationship hyper vigilance, Sabotage, Scapegoating, Selective competence, Self aggrandizement, Self victimization, Sense of entitlement, Shaming, Smear campaign, Targeted humor/ mocking/ sarcasm, Thought policing, Triangulation, Triggering, Verbal abuse, Waif, Witch,

I could of sworn you were just talking about and describing my bf's severely bpd etc mother. She is pretty much all or at very least 95% of whats on that list and does what you list like blaming, emotional abuse, chronic breaking promises, bullying, belittling, victim playing, queen, waif, verbally abusive, projecting, etc. On paper she may be listed as and there for considered a 53 yr old adult but she doesn't think like behave like treat ppl like etc etc someone who is an adult nor someone who is 53. She is very much a child in an adults body and a really out of control immature aggressive abusive bully etc one at that.

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Adopted

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2017, 05:39:51 PM »
Thank you Sunshine Days and Rick Chick. It helps to hear stories that happened to others because ive felt so alone that im the only person who sees this. Since ive been paying attention and detached myself from her ive been able to start my healing process. Accepting everything was a lie has helped me decide to throw away everything shes given me and clear my space. Im still pretty angry at how she had the audacity to treat me so bad under the guise of "acting" like a mom to me, and i realize now she needed me more than i ever need her so i could be her supply and make her look good to others. Now that i knocked her off that pedastol not only does she not have a use for me any longer, hence the making me look bad to others so she can salvage her image and make me look bad, but i am also a threat because i see through her and feel she is afraid others will see the truth about her and which i feel is another reason she is trying to make me look bad. Whats interesting is that ive noticed she has a persona for each group of people in her life; the more she needs a good image from somebody the better she treats them (and makes others look bad to maintain her false image), and when somebody is a threat because they see through her then they become a target of her negative behaviors because they no longer will project her in the false light she promotes herself in. Going no contact is the best thing i couldve done

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Sunshine days

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Re: Please help me understand what i am dealing with
« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2017, 09:10:30 PM »
Hi adopted , you do feel alone before you go no contact , it's the shock of it all , the reality you are seeing and the pain in your emotions, it's takes real hard work to get through it but never give up on yourself. I saw the false act at times I had healed myself so she was on show as the real her and I told her a few times that it wasn't me that burnt her toast I was no way near her toast and her face was shocked, I can still see it now but I never got chance to tell her off but I did it a handful of times and then I went no contact , it was more about my sanity and freedom, she had wasted my life and time and it was about me and my needs. If you are of no use to her they discard you thats what narcs do , there empty people looking for a feed of people they can use and drain. I know what that feels like they tell you what they are and project it onto you it's so frustrating being trapped in their mirror and they judge u in this way . I never saw it before but I think she just got more bitte rand twisted has she got older and I couldn't take the abuse no more. Sounds like she lived through you , I felt doubled soiled about 12 years ago and I worked hard to get rid of that , many many years later I learned we where having a co dependant relationship, I never heard of kne what it meant. I was carrying that dead weight about with me , while she had a free feed every day without me knowing, cheek of it . I got rid of the toxic waste , now I am terrible person blah blah I was all that before but it was covert behaviour now I see it in a overt way and the gloves are off x