I am taking the power in my own life now.

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LenKagamine

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I am taking the power in my own life now.
« on: July 22, 2017, 07:44:03 PM »
My NPD mother always knew how to use guilt and shame to keep me under her thumb.  She always told me that I deserved the bullying and the sexual abuse I received as a child either because I provoked other people to do those things to me because I had no confidence, or because I willingly let them have that power over me when I was being beaten and raped.  Her words, not mine.

But the fact is that I let somebody have way too much power over me, and it was not the people who beat and raped me.  It was the person who was always there to tell me I deserved it.  It was the person who was always there to tell me that I was too low functioning to understand that the people who abused me were in so much pain that it virtually absolved them of all responsibility for their actions.  It was the person who was always there to tell me that all of my efforts at self improvement hurt her because she did not want a son who did not care enough about the people who were exploiting him to not keep them close to him in his life.

I am putting my foot down.  Over 35 years of feeling trapped in abusive relationships because I seriously believed that leaving them behind would be an unforgivable thing for me to do.  No more.

Her words are spiritual poison.  Especially when she claims she is saying these things because she loves me more than I will ever realize.

I actually took her seriously for most of my life up to date.  How pathetic is that?

Now I know she actually wanted to keep me in a perpetually miserable place.  I know at a couple of points in my life, she made it clear to me that she was disappointed that not only did I not turn out to be a miscarriage, but I also was born with autism and therefore I was born irredeemably defective in her opinion.  I am her greatest disappointment.  Whatever.  Her spiritual condition is a sick joke if she actually believes half the things she tells me.

So, medium chill and I have to remember how pathetic her views about how the world works actually is.  I have many good friends now.  The only abusive relationship left in my life is her relationship with me.  Even today, she still tells me how sad she feels for people I left behind because they were financially exploiting me for cuts of my SSDI checks.  And I actually took her words seriously for most of my life to date.

Enough is enough.

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Fiasco

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2017, 08:57:54 PM »
Good for you! You're 100% right about everything...except being pathetic. Don't beat yourself for her abuse, we can't change the past but we can make ourselves a better future.

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PinkDress

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2017, 12:06:41 AM »
How truly heartbreaking that your mother fed you such disgusting lies about what you faced.

Here's to a happier, healthier, FREE adult life.  :)
"In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit." Anne Frank

"God sees people as His own treasures, so be careful how you treat them."

"No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth."

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LenKagamine

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2017, 01:30:56 AM »
The most pathetic thing about this situation is that she claims she is siding with vicious predators all in the name of empathy and being truly open minded.

She seriously at one point wanted to put crystals and rocks all over my apartment to soak up my negative energy.  It just occurred to me that I could have given her a massive boulder in response to that.

Yeah, there probably is a lot more going on with her than mere narcissism.  But she is not my problem.  Whatever.

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LenKagamine

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2017, 03:13:44 AM »
Meh.  Right now, I wish that having a clear idea of what has been going on all along was all it took for my mind to drop it so it can move on to better things.  I do not want to still have this on the forefront of my mind any longer than I have to, yet my mind clings to it.  Being a victim was my identity for quite some time.  Who am I beyond this?  What do I really want?  Who do I want to be?  I guess I never really allowed myself to explore the possibilities.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2017, 04:58:05 AM »
Hi Len,

I've read your threads from time to time and I'm not sure if I've ever responded before, so first off - hello!  :)

Who are you?  Not a victim.  Definitely not a victim - your mother is painting herself as the victim of your inability to forgive, which is, in my humble opinion, completely fucked beyond all comprehension.

You?  Are a SURVIVOR.   8-)

You survived!  You live to tell your truth and fight the good fight, putting people like your mom in the rear-view mirror, where they belong, as you strive to heal and move into a better, brighter future.   :sunny:

What can you do with that future?  Who can you be?

Anything you'd like.  It's yours - YOU get to decide.   :yes:

I don't know *what*  it is with the PDs in our lives.  When you're a Scapegoat, *everything* is your fault.

I'm a fellow Scapegoat, so everything was my fault, natch.   :wave:

I got a lot of verbal, emotional and physical abuse as a child, that continued as an adult  - and nothing I experienced was anywhere in the vicinity of what you went through, but I recognize common themes.

Hypothetically speaking, you're sitting at a red light and the car in back of you hits your bumper.  You exchange information with the other driver and make the mistake of telling your PD parent(s).

This is what you hear:

Why did you make him/her do that?  You shouldn't have been there!   Did you stop short?  You MUST have stopped short, so it's your fault!  You're going to get him/her  in all kinds of trouble if you report it to the insurance!  Why did you do that!?  What did you do to make him/her hit you?  You should have gone another way!  Oh, the TROUBLE he/she's going to get into if you report it!  Why don't you just fix it yourself and *learn from this*?  Why can't you forgive?  You're SO bitter and angry and you're going to be taking food out of that person's mouth for YEARS, when you should have just stayed at home!

I know!  WTF!?   :aaauuugh:

THIS is your freaking "support system" - and it will turn against you every time you need it.

When it comes to us, to people like them, we can never do a single thing right.  EVER.

If we forgive - we should be angry and out for blood.

If we're angry and out for *justice* - we should just let it go, because it probably was our fault, anyway, and we're just lying liars who lie for the sake of lying.   :blahblahblah:

If we like it - it sucks and we're stupid.

If we don't like it - it's awesome and we're stupid/intellectually stunted for not liking it.

If we're allergic - oh, just shut up and eat it!  You're always looking for attention!

If we eat it and wind up at the ER - don't come whining to me!  You have free will and you knew you were allergic, so you *did this to yourself.*   :???:

People like our parents *are not accountable for their actions* - in their own minds.

They were perfect - we just suck.  We will always suck.  That's just what we Scapegoats do - suck and can't do a single thing right if our lives depended on it.   :phoot:

Trying to hold people like our parents accountable for anything is like trying to nail Jello to the wall - it just can't be done.  They gaslight.  They re-write history.  They make things up that don't make any sense at all, then deny they ever said *that* and we're putting words in their mouths.

They use our weaknesses against us and go after our personal strengths - belittling, downplaying or outright denying they exist.

As children, we had to grow up fast in a world we didn't understand - as adults, they see us as idiot children who can't and won't grow up - when they're the ones who are stuck somewhere between the ages of 3-15.   :stars:

It's best not to deal with that - especially if your mother is getting older and could need a caregiver in the not-too-distant future - or *thinks* she needs a caregiver, when she really doesn't.

Somebody else can figure out all that nonsense - somebody who isn't YOU.   :thumbup:

Focus on your healing and your journey forward as a *survivor.*

You're long overdue, and I'd like to welcome you to the rest of your life!   :cheer:

It won't be sunshine and roses, but it will be *better* if you take things one step and one day at a time  - and don't let the FOG suck you back in.

 :hug:


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LenKagamine

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2017, 06:41:38 AM »
I read your post, and every word resonated with me.  Thank you.

I also could add that even when my mother has been proven to be indisputably in the wrong, when it reaches a point where literally nobody can deny the damage she has done, it is selfish and judgmental to call her on it because she always thinks she was doing the right thing with the information she had at the time.  Take one time when I started feeling seriously ill after recently being laid off from a job.  My mother kept on telling me that I had to earn the right to visit a doctor.  And for that, I had to find a job.  She accuses me of behaving like a hypochondriac, even though I never really was one to go to the doctor's office.  One of my rapists was a hypochondriac who made up illnesses for attention, so she tells me I am behaving like the man who raped me.  I get a couple of jobs in a row, and I lose them because I keep passing out during the work shift.  Mom is still convinced that I am just trying to slack off.  I finally end up in the emergency room after collapsing at a bus stop.  They did a CAT scan and found a growth that was not supposed to be there.  Now my mother is claiming that she had no idea that I was sick at all, that she seriously thought all I needed to get out of my funk was a good work ethic, and that she does not understand why that was a sore spot for me because she only ever had my best interests in her heart.

In admitting that she did not known I was sick, she is also admitting that she refused to take any word that came out of my mouth seriously.  And she acts like she is the victim if I point out how that hurt me.  Hell, she even has the nerve to say that I was victimizing her when I was sick because I kept on telling her that then was really not the time to be putting the cart before the horse.

One can never win with a person like that.

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LenKagamine

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2017, 07:13:17 AM »
Well, I think I know exactly what I want to take up.  I want to go back to being an amateur internet film critic, like I was about a decade ago.

The thing about it was that I was having a lot of fun with it, so naturally my mother had to start telling me that it was unhealthy.  I was adding new content to my website once a week, the same time every week.  So my mother did everything in her power to keep me away from updating my website that one day of the week.  She made plans for me on the same day every week, and when I told her that was not cool for her to be doing that, she responded that my website was not so important that it meant I had to not have a life.

I had a social life during that time, but that meant nothing to her logic.

She attacked my hobby from all angles.  She complained that seeing movies on opening weekend shows that I am too greedy for anything better than immediate gratification.  She complained that nobody was taking my website seriously, despite the fact that I was emailing quite a few people in my audience.  She said that my tastes in movies were too snobbish and that I had to learn how to enjoy watching chick flicks if I wanted anybody to take me seriously.  I was living comfortably, but she always told me that I was throwing all of my money away on movies (which was not even remotely close to being true).

Eventually, what made me take the website down was the fact that the bourbon became more important to me than my self respect.

My mother actually told me that she was happy I took the website down, because it meant I was giving up on a childish hobby and becoming a mature man.  That statement really hurt me.

But hell.  I wanted to be a film critic ever since I was a young child.  And my mother always was there to tell me that it would never happen, so I should just not even try on an amateur level.  Lovely.

I will look into seeing what it would cost to start this up again.  I need to start living for myself.  I love movies, and I love writing about them.  So, I will build a website and just not let anybody in my family know about it.  Get myself a pen name.  Something like that.

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VividImagination

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Re: I am taking the power in my own life now.
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2017, 08:43:13 PM »
Good for you! I was able to achieve one of my career dreams after going NC. I realized that my NM desperately needed to keep me in the pigeonhole she'd created for me. She told me who I was, and was surprised and angry when I didn't agree.

Most PDs don't evolve or grow, and they have a very hard time when their children do so. It sounds to me like you need to cut off the information she's using against you.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.