Harnessing my inner rebel

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daughterofbpd

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Harnessing my inner rebel
« on: July 21, 2017, 07:13:33 PM »
About a month ago, I came to the realization that I play the role of the SG in my family. This realization felt like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I felt very little anger and sadness, mostly just relief (dealt with a lot of anger and sadness before realizing I was SG though). I can rationalize why I was chosen for this role and it feels much less personal now.

About a week ago, I started to feel angry. You know what ticks me off most? So much more is expected of me [than of my sister]. I am expected to be there, to help, to serve, to make them feel needed, to prove my unwavering devotion... I am the one who put up with the most abuse. Iím the one who gave up my personal time. Iím the one who put in the hard work. Yet none of it counts for anything! Iím still a worthless piece of garbage in their eyes. My sacrifices are not remembered or appreciated. The only thing they remember is that one time my sister helped.

They expect me to work my butt off to earn their love Ė and Iíve done it Ė and I get none of the rewards! My sister got cars and money and nice gifts and I get crap! And more expectations! So now I AM angry, only this kind of anger feels different, it feels GOOD. I feel powerful. I feel like blasting some loud music, getting a tattoo, and relishing my inner rebel.  They need me to be the scapegoat? Thatís cool, I can help. I donít even have to be mean or disrespectful. All I have to do is go about living my life, doing for me, and being happy.

It used to really bother me, the idea of them thinking I am something I am not. But I donít have to stop fulfilling my SG duties for them to think less of me, they already do. So why keep trying to fight it? Go ahead. Call me mean, heartless, rebellious, guilty, and mentally unstable. Tell it to the back of my head as I ride off on my proverbial motorcycle. 
:git:
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2017, 10:23:29 PM »
as they say: the best revenge is a good life.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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practical

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2017, 10:59:14 PM »
So now I AM angry, only this kind of anger feels different, it feels GOOD. I feel powerful. I feel like blasting some loud music, getting a tattoo, and relishing my inner rebel. 
...
Go ahead. Call me mean, heartless, rebellious, guilty, and mentally unstable. Tell it to the back of my head as I ride off on my proverbial motorcycle. 
I hope it is a nice day, with wind in your ears, sun on your skin and a cool biker jacket to show your tough girl skills.

What is it about tattoos? Don't have one, never wanted one, but recently when I got angry at F and just felt I was never allowed the normal phase of rebellion in my teenage years (or at any point) I felt an urge to get one. I even know what it would look like and where. And I dreamt I was dyeing the ends of my hair absinthe green!  I would do it if I wouldn't risk DH going into shock.

Keep that healthy anger up, it will propel you forward in leaps and bounds.
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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stasia

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2017, 12:23:41 AM »
I can relate to this! I told my T a while ago that I thought I was going through my teenage rebellion in my 40s, because I never rebelled as a teen. I didn't have any friends and was too scared to make my mom angry, when at the time she was literally the only person who ever talked to me or would spend time with me.

I have to keep reminding myself sometimes that the things I am doing now - like not calling M, or not sharing everything with her, or not being her therapist - are things that *most teens do*. That it wasn't normal for me to work so hard to please her. That it would've been OK to separate myself from her and make choices based on what I wanted, not based on what made me a good girl.

It's freeing when I can think about it that way, rather than being stuck in FOG.

Also, I have a tattoo, am thinking of another, and my hair's currently light blue. practical, you should TOTALLY dye your ends green! If you hate it or DH hates it, you can always cut off the ends! :D I didn't intend my crazy hair colors to be a raised middle finger toward my M, but when I look in the mirror I'm reminded that this is MY body and I get to choose what it looks like no matter what others think. Just like we're allowed to choose what our lives look like.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2017, 12:41:30 AM »
OMGosh, daughterofbpd,

I LOVE THIS!!!!

Quote
About a week ago, I started to feel angry. You know what ticks me off most? So much more is expected of me [than of my sister]. I am expected to be there, to help, to serve, to make them feel needed, to prove my unwavering devotion... I am the one who put up with the most abuse. Iím the one who gave up my personal time. Iím the one who put in the hard work. Yet none of it counts for anything! Iím still a worthless piece of garbage in their eyes. My sacrifices are not remembered or appreciated. The only thing they remember is that one time my sister helped.

They expect me to work my butt off to earn their love Ė and Iíve done it Ė and I get none of the rewards! My sister got cars and money and nice gifts and I get crap! And more expectations! So now I AM angry, only this kind of anger feels different, it feels GOOD. I feel powerful. I feel like blasting some loud music, getting a tattoo, and relishing my inner rebel.  They need me to be the scapegoat? Thatís cool, I can help. I donít even have to be mean or disrespectful. All I have to do is go about living my life, doing for me, and being happy.

It used to really bother me, the idea of them thinking I am something I am not. But I donít have to stop fulfilling my SG duties for them to think less of me, they already do. So why keep trying to fight it? Go ahead. Call me mean, heartless, rebellious, guilty, and mentally unstable. Tell it to the back of my head as I ride off on my proverbial motorcycle.

:git:

I totally agree about the energizing power of positive anger. I also agree about unleashing the inner rebel!!!

I relate to this sooo much. I was also expected to be mummie's little helper. I was enmeshed, wasn't allowed to have a life of my own, was just expected to orbit around my mother. And I was treated like dirt, screamed at hit, sneered at, picked on by the whole PD lot of my family.
I remember those times when my inner rebel did come out when I was a bullied, downtrodden scape goat. The time that I finally snapped at my mother and called her a 'cow'!!! I even started dressing a little weirdly as a 14 y/o - odd things I found in thrift shops which my mother screamed at me for, of course! Tiny acts of normal teenage experimentation and self expression were greeted with vicious hysteria and brutal repression.

I'm also finally stretching my wings far away from her on the other side of the planet, which has been nice! I also so relate to the hair dye thing!!! I have never managed to dye my hair, part of it has been mothers strictures about what I should do with my appearance. But I am looking forward to experimenting more.

There are some great looks with coloured streaks - having them at the ends of your hair is a great idea, it is so easy to tuck it out of the way or trim it if you don't like it. 

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2017, 07:22:41 PM »
I'm not sure if tattoos and colored hair are really my thing but I admire the look of both. BPDm hates both so that's a plus.

I think it all comes down to finally feeling free to be yourself and express yourself, through your appearance and otherwise, not worrying so much about the judgment of others. I have been going back to being a little more fun and playful with my appearance lately. Who knows? Maybe a tattoo and some temp hair color are in my future...
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni

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raindrop

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2017, 06:08:18 AM »
Yeah!  8-)
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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blacksheep7

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Re: Harnessing my inner rebel
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2017, 01:31:01 PM »
I'm happy for you! :banana:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
 Maya Angelou