You're not alone out there

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Shockwave

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You're not alone out there
« on: January 01, 2017, 06:58:00 AM »
This message is for the lurkers and people who are just finding this for the first time as well as for anyone who has gone through it and needs a reminder and pick me up: you are not alone, and more understand than you think.

I still have a hard time sometimes even though some would consider me Out of the FOG for quite some time.  The fog wasn't the problem. It was the quicksand that my FOO tried to trap me in with the fog that obscured my vision. If you know what I mean. 

Sometimes I still think that they're "normal". That human decency applies and that their thinking can be that of a normal decent human being. But I know that is not the case and never had been,  never will be.  I sometimes doubt myself and question did some of the events I share really happen to me and they were inflicted by my own parents (yes they did happen and yes,  it was your own parents that did some unspeakably horrible things to you). It got to the point where my own daughter had confirmed to me what I had long suspected. When she was born,  I made a promise to her and myself: that I would not raise her the way my parents raised me.  I think I succeeded. She let's me know.  She's currently on a study abroad program in another country. I'm proud of her. 

My parents would have never let me do something like that. Ever. 

So to those out there who struggle and are having a hard time,  this is to let you know that you're not alone.  You don't have to be afraid anymore.  I know that you probably have spent many nights and days buried in frustration, anger and even tears.  Just know that you do not walk alone.  You no longer have to spend this time out in the cold fog.

:bighug:
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight

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Geko

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Re: You're not alone out there
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2017, 08:39:38 AM »
Thanks for that Shockwave, I needed that right now. I too struggle with what has happened and believing it did actually happen. Then I think, as I'm the one that's away from my FOO that it's me who's got it all wrong. I know I'm not, but you think it any way. 

What hurts for me most is that I'm sandwiched between it all with my FOO and my children. My eldest DD is very uNPD due to my very difficult relationship with my ex an uNPD  who's influence was phenomenal. The other isn't at all, as she was only 4 when it all happened but she has her moments like all adult children do. Whilst I had some flea's (which I've hopefully shaken off over the years), I'm not at all like my FOO in any way; I've always felt different. Both my girls lead very independent busy lives and have children.

The other thing I struggle with is that NC is the best option for me but, whilst it's advised to do for the best, it's also what people with NPD do as the norm! It isn't the norm for me and I find it frustrating getting my head around that. I'm not generally someone who ignores people as I like to sort everything out. This is not an option with my FOO as they aren't reasonable people. There are too many of them for me to argue with, and I don't want to argue. They all back one another up with their "wrongness!"

My FOO all are very poorly educated with little in the way of academic achievements, something my Dad controlled. Whilst he didn't really encourage anything it was expected the boys would go get apprenticeships and the girls would work in an office and type, then get married and have children. They all live in one another's pockets but it isn't the picture of bliss and happiness everyone imagines in a big family. I've heard them all talking about one another behind their backs.

I'm almost OOTF but still got a little way to go. This Christmas has been very lonely, no more than usual but my DH is still very ill and it affects our socialising a lot so I tend to stay with him for company. Not all the time but a lot of the time. He can't help what's happened and I can't leave him on his own all the time.

With strength and guidance, I know I will get through eventually but it's still very difficult to bear. I hope that 2017 brings you all that you wish for! Take care and stay strong. x



 
But still, like dust, I'll rise.  (Maya Angelou)

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: You're not alone out there
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2017, 10:15:42 AM »
What a beautiful post and I remember thinking when I arrived  :unsure: :blink: you mean it's not just me? There are others? So many with such very similar upbringing. Realizing it wasn't just odd or quirky and no my childhood stories are not zany or funny, it was abuse. Realizing walking on eggshells as an adult isn't normal and I'm allowed basic human rights to live my life. It has meant to much to learn and grow here, to have support in my journey Out of the FOG. I found my voice and my right to stand up and say no to abuse, finally. Thanks for the reminder, for reaching out to those who read or lurk and for being here along the journey.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2017, 10:18:41 AM by Spring Butterfly »
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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blacksheep7

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Re: You're not alone out there
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2017, 11:38:52 AM »
Happy New Year!!
Shockwave - What a nice message.  Isn't it nice to know how far we've gone.  This is how I am going to inspire myself for the New Year.  Look at my accomplishments in life.  Not the putdowns we're used to.
Geko - Your story is similar to mine with a parent which does  not have much education and the other that used it to control her and us, the children.   Even though I did not want to repeat my upbringing, I unfortunately had bad relationships with men, always looking to be loved but never with the right men.  I took me a long time to get Out of the FOG, in my fifties.  Like you, I am glad and proud to say that I have two independent children who have children of their own and have healthy productive lives.  I didn't always do what was best for them, not knowing better, having them young.  But what  I knew then, was that  I wouldn't do is the name calling, belittling, the physical abuse and have them fear me.
Spring Butterly - A big thank you to you and all the leaders for all the inspiring work you do.   x
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Frances29

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Re: You're not alone out there
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2017, 01:10:15 PM »
Shockwave, Very wise words, thank you so much for posting them  :)  Happy New Year!

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Newlife33

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Re: You're not alone out there
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2017, 11:27:46 PM »
Thanks so much for that lovely message.  I am new to this site and coming OOTF, and honestly I don't even know for the life of me how I found this site.  I can't remember a specific search or day, it just happened.  And I am still raw from all the realizations.  Healing and headed in the right direction but raw.  Thanks again and I hope you keep getting better as well. 

And also thank you to everyone else for sharing, especially about walking on eggshells as an adult (just starting to get over that) and also to those who have messed up childhood stories that don't seem like they actually happened.  I went back and watched a few home videos from when i was a kid........It was actually insane how much it hurt to do that and to see the reality of it  :stars: :aaauuugh: :sadno:

But, now I am here and healing and can almost laugh and put it in my past. 

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Shockwave

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Re: You're not alone out there
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2017, 06:14:08 AM »
You're all welcome and thank you for all you've done.  Because I'm in a different place,  is why I posted those words.  It's because in mourning the family I needed but never got,  the love that was never given and being the invisible child and played the role assigned in a dysfunction family,  I have come to realize that it's OK.  Not everyone is going to get it.  Your good friends who have been around for a long time do,  and have dealt with some themselves.  Just know that you are loved by those who truly matter in your life and it starts with loving yourself. 

Took me a really long time to get to that place where I loved myself.  Now that I'm Out of the FOG,  those who come to me for help get it if they genuinely want it.  But it is no longer my job to rescue people who clearly don't want to be rescued.  Never was despite being convinced by the dysfunction otherwise.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight