New member, lesbian trying to coparent with ex NPD

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harl

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New member, lesbian trying to coparent with ex NPD
« on: January 16, 2017, 11:47:58 AM »
Hello
I'm a middle aged lesbian who was in a relationship with a narc for nearly 20 years, it was abusive for the last 10 or so. We have kids, twins, who are 16, my ex is the natural mother. We split a year ago, she moved out and hoped/presumed the kids would follow her, but they didn't. They see her quite regularly but rarely stay over. Them staying with me made her even more controlling and aggressive, she would walk into our house at any time of day or night she liked to shout at us all and threaten me for not doing things her way. She turned all our mutual friends against me, telling everyone that I was the controlling angry one. I tried to establish boundaries for months and in the end I called the police who stopped her coming to the house without an invitation. That was the best thing I did, now the kids and I live in a calm and safe place. It still makes me mad that her family and friends still think the police were wrong, that they don't see how it was best for the kids to stop that behaviour in their home. I won't deny the last year has been a nightmare, trying to stay strong for my kids, get them through their exams, keep my business afloat etc, with the daily gas lighting and bullying. It's a more extreme and isolating version of my life before we split up. At least now I understand it more and don't take on the responsibility for her abusive behaviour that I did before. I suppose it's just a different type of head f*** !
I've had a therapist for months and she's been brilliant. I operate NC, with coparenting (parrallel parenting is my preferred approach) Now I'm a 'grey rock' to my ex - ie. I don't show her that I have any feelings, good or bad, I text about the kids arrangements but don't engage about anything else. I've learnt that she draws me in so she can knock me down. When she messes me about with the kids arrangements, I say nothing. When she tells me her plans, I just say ok. We've had a couple of collaborative meetings with lawyers and it drives her mad that I don't react like I used to ! She keeps baiting me, when that doesn't work she criticises me for ridiculous things like being there too much for the kids ! - when we were together I would react. Now I just acknowledge she's said it and ignore it, don't respond. I've found this very powerful, not in a way to destroy her but to keep me strong.
But I do live in a world where she still wants to control me, be in my life 24/7, she texts about something or other every day. She manipulates and lies and maintains that everything that's wrong with her life is down to me and as many of you know, it's exhausting. Especially when you're a single mum too. Some days you have the strength, some days you want to hide down a deep hole.
I don't know anyone in my position, the friends I do have live many miles away, the ones I lost are now my enemies but continue to see my kids a lot. It's hard for my kids that everyone hates me so much. I try not to tell them too much, involve them too much, I try to let it go, but I can't say that's easy, it makes me so mad that these people don't see how damaging their attitude to our break up is for our kids.  When friends turn on you like that and basically tell you to 'put up and shut up', it's unpleasant. Any advice from anyone who's been through something similar would be appreciated. And if I can help victims who are just starting out on their journey of survival, I'm up for that too.

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bloomie

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Re: New member, lesbian trying to coparent with ex NPD
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2017, 12:33:23 PM »
Hi harl - welcome to OOTF! I am really glad you found us and have reached out for support from this kind and caring community. At the same time I am really sorry for the fracturing of your relationship with your ex partner and the friends who have chosen to take sides and align themselves with your abuser. Very painful for you to live with your truth of her long term abuse and see others in ignorance taking sides and hurting your children with their misguided loyalty to your ex.  :upsidedown:

You are taking so many wise steps and have found strategies and tools such as gray rock and emotionally disengaging and I am so thankful you have come so far already. What we can offer to you is a unique kind of friendship and support that will help lighten the load you are carrying. This community of folks do get it and can often read between the lines of what is shared here and see far beyond what we are even able to put into words because of their own similar experiences. We hear you, we believe you, and this place is a place you can come to and share your story - black letters on a white screen - and see something powerful unfold in you as you are lifted up and validated.

You may have already looked through the resource tabs above and hopefully you have checked out the toolbox and trait info. There is a great deal of wisdom and immediate kinds of help there for you as well.

We have a couple of boards for those like you who are coparenting and separating and divorcing. You will find a tight knit group of fellow travelers there who will weigh in and support you with a depth of insight that may be just what you are looking for and can be an additional avenue of support as you continue on your healing path. They are found by following these links:

Separating and Divorcing

Co Parenting and Secondary Relationships

There are many boards and a lot of great conversations taking place on them. When you are ready join in and make yourself at home. We welcome your participation. Look forward to seeing you back soon!  :)

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harl

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Re: New member, lesbian trying to coparent with ex NPD
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2017, 01:21:44 PM »
Thanks Bloomie ! It's so nice to feel heard and not alone. And thanks for the links, this site is full of great info and advice. I feel stronger already !