NC while abroad

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Afterthefox

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NC while abroad
« on: January 17, 2017, 02:47:12 PM »
My nBPD father has been NC with me for five months, ever since I moved abroad for work.

When I announced the move, he 'highly approved' and then started to 'groom' his ex-partner, despite their hostile separation a few years ago. Evidently, he has now made her a Director of his company even though she also lives abroad. Their relationship is obviously a business arrangement although they pretend to be a couple in public.

Having won over his ex by literally paying her to come back to him, my nBPD has a renewed source of narcissistic supply and therefore I am clearly not on his radar whatsoever. He sent a christmas card signed 'love from', but has not responded to my attempts to communicate in five months.

I understand the mind of a narcissist enough to know that my decision to move abroad and pursue my own career has been taken as a move 'against' him. Clearly it is not being abroad that hinders his interest in our relationship, but the loyalty to him/his company. In his eyes, you're an employee (i.e. you're corruptible), or you don't exist. He cannot control me any longer and therefore I cease to be of any interest. But I still expected some form of communication.

Although I am enjoying this new distance, I still experience a lot of confusion and anger over the inexplicable reasons for his passive aggressive behavior and I regularly wonder whether I should pursue communication while I am abroad at all, try to reach out when I am next visiting my home town, or simply leave the relationship be. I struggle to know how to let such a relationship run its natural course.

Advice please.
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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Bloomie

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Re: NC while abroad
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2017, 06:26:41 PM »
Afterthefox - If your father has not responded to your efforts to communicate in months... then that is the answer. This may be a case where the confusion will clear and the wondering about pursuing communication with him will pass with some time and acceptance of what you cannot change.

Personally, this exact situation has been one of the foggiest in my life. I am slowly learning to respond to the level of interest, effort, engagement that I am consistently shown by people I once naively considered primary relationships in my life.

Time and distance and letting the relationship take it's natural course has taught me that in several cases I was a convenient resource/source and once that changed the relationship essentially ended. In others cases there was never a reasonable level of reciprocity - ever - and it went unacknowledged by me (in one case for YEARS) and when I let things go with the natural flow the other person didn't even seem to notice the distance. Hard stuff and it does hurt, but I am finding my self respect and self care are closely tied to my past auto giving and over pursuing in the face of disinterest from people I believed cared.

As I step away from this behavior I am finding I am valuing what I have to offer another so much more and am noticing red flags sooner and learning to respond in a healthy and appropriate way.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2017, 06:28:14 PM by Bloomie »

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daughterofbpd

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Re: NC while abroad
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2017, 09:23:49 PM »
I agree with Bloomie. I don't think you need to make any more of an effort than your father does. In a way, each time you reach out to him and he doesn't respond, it's like being rejected all over again. I'm sure that is very hurtful. Best to surround yourself with people who really care and don't worry about the ones that only recognize your worth as what you can do for them. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Afterthefox

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Re: NC while abroad
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2017, 05:48:30 PM »
Thank you for the messages here.

I realize that I had perhaps been auto giving and over pursuing having sent three emails to my nBPD father in as many months which were all met with silence. After I moved abroad, I was attempting to communicate with my nBPD father in the same way I communicate with other well-balanced members of my family and the difference in response is very revealing. I have received encouragement and support, love and enthusiasm from all my family and friends. But it is clear that my nBPD father has had a strong reaction and his goto response is to abandon.

This is an opportunity for me to make an appropriate response to his manipulative and hostile behaviour by dropping the rope and being a reasonable and civil individual. Unfortunately for the relationship, there is no way for me to bridge this current irresolution and I have decided not to be in touch again. The ball is now in his court and I have done all I can to attempt to continue the relationship during my transition abroad. Sad but true.

Looking forward, I find that the more integrated I become with new friends and the more transparent, expressive and communicative I am with existing friends and family, the less disillusioned I feel. I resolve break free of old habits and to work on building my trust in the potential for healthy relationships to be a source of great nourishment and enrichment.
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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Bloomie

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Re: NC while abroad
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2017, 01:59:37 PM »
Quote from: AftertheFox
This is an opportunity for me to make an appropriate response to his manipulative and hostile behaviour by dropping the rope and being a reasonable and civil individual. Unfortunately for the relationship, there is no way for me to bridge this current irresolution and I have decided not to be in touch again. The ball is now in his court and I have done all I can to attempt to continue the relationship during my transition abroad. Sad but true.

Looking forward, I find that the more integrated I become with new friends and the more transparent, expressive and communicative I am with existing friends and family, the less disillusioned I feel. I resolve break free of old habits and to work on building my trust in the potential for healthy relationships to be a source of great nourishment and enrichment.

Holding to the expectation of a reasonable amount of reciprocity and effort toward yourself in a primary relationship with a parent is very healthy! Appropriate response.. I really like how you say that...to be reasonable and civil in the relationship - as you break old habits of doing all of the initiating and keeping the relationship afloat it gives some room to allow your Father to either initiate contact or not - to establish his intent toward you clearly one way or another.

Breaking old habits is not easy and dropping the rope we have been holding for so long (and having been marinated in the idea it is our responsibility to single handedly care take the relationship) takes courage. I am so thankful you are finding relationships, old and new, that can be a source of great strength and enrichment.