Removing a door as punishment

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SpunHead13

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Removing a door as punishment
« on: January 17, 2017, 11:57:13 PM »
Wondering if any of you experienced something similar.

When I was around 11 or 12, I was getting into a lot of fights with NM. I dont remember what the fights were about, but I'm guessing I was trying to separate from her and she didn't like it. I remember feeling misunderstood, angry and like my feelings didn't matter.

There were a few instances when I would leave the fight and go to my room and slam the door. And after one of these, NM decided that if I ever slammed the door again I would loose the privilege of having it. A short time later, and we got into another fight, at the end of which I slammed the door to my room.

A short while later, my enF comes up the stairs with a drill, and with a lot of anger and determination he takes my bedroom door off its hinges. I begged him not to do it! The fights had nothing to do with privacy as far as I could tell. And the age I was at, I really needed my privacy and my room was a safe place I could hide and read and just stay unnoticed and safe.

This put me in line. I remember KNOWING that I was right, or that I at least deserved to be listened to. and that it really wasn't fair. But I wanted my door back so I shut up and played nice. I remember not even being allowed to complain or moan. A few weeks later (it felt like, could have been a few days) I begged my Dad to put the door back on, I had already asked NM and she had very casually said I didn't need the door any way and dismissed the discussion, he put the door back on its hinges.

Correct me if Im wrong but this seems like some pretty f***ed-up parenting... To use an adolescent girl's need for privacy against her... Its pretty twisted.
It's always darkest before the dawn
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TakingFlight

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 04:15:03 AM »
I agree that it's a messed up form of punishment for a parent to do. I didn't have it happen to me (I don't think my dad would have even had a drill or known how to use it - he's definitely not the handyman sort) but have heard of this happening to other people when they were kids. It seems pretty common for Nparents to have no respect for anyone else's need for privacy, and sadly they often abuse the control they have as parents in order to be petty, just because they can.


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blacksheep7

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2017, 01:01:20 PM »
I agree that it's Fxxkup parenting.  I didn't have this done to me but my father would just walk in my bedroom at any time without knocking. No privacy what so ever.  He was the one who would run and control everything, not my mother.  She stood in his shadow.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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BreakAway

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2017, 01:09:43 PM »
Couldn't agree more that this is F#@*ed-Up parenting. 

Fortunately this did not happen to me (mostly because my uNBM did not want me around and my hiding in my room worked great for her). But the inability to have any physical privacy at that age is just unacceptable and abusive. Your mother's message was that "I am in control and there is no where you can hide".

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2017, 01:21:30 PM »
I agree that it's Fxxkup parenting.  I didn't have this done to me but my father would just walk in my bedroom at any time without knocking. No privacy what so ever.  He was the one who would run and control everything, not my mother.  She stood in his shadow.

Same here, except it was my mother who ran the show.  I agree with the others that it's a very effed up way to parent. I doubt mine would have done that since my M was all about keeping up appearances and taking the door off the hinges would look bad. Also my F was too lazy to do that. Why bother when my door didn't have a lock and they could barge in whenever they liked? It's all about lack of boundaries and showing you who's boss.
"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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lifeline

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2017, 01:32:58 PM »
Agreed, it happened to me more than once.  Nearly the same story, arguing about other things, slammed my door, door removed.  I hated it.

They would also remove all the phones from the house if they had to leave me home alone while grounded.  (this was in the nineties, so land lines were it unless you were well off, and we were not) In case of emergency, hope I could run....  One time I went to the store with my change and bought a cheap phone, I found some old phone wire, and the connectors were separate and loose.  I learned very quickly how to splice the wires & put the end plug thingy onto a phone cord.  I never went without a phone in their absence again.

I will NEVER EVER EVER do that to any of my kids.  EVER.

:hug: to all those who have dealt with less than appropriate parenting.
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
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randompanda

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2017, 01:48:32 PM »
I have an opposite door-removal story!  My PD brothers were practically professional door slammers when they were teenagers (not to mention wall-punchers, window breakers, law breakers, you name it), and they slammed their doors so often and with such ferocity, both of their bedroom doors eventually broke right OFF the hinges! 

After they broke them off the hinges, if they wanted to close their bedroom doors, they had to pick them up from where they were leaning against the wall, and then lean/set them into the door frame.  Then they would complain they had no privacy.  They were the ones who broke off the doors!  Looking back now, it was such PD behavior.  Break the door/complain you have no door.

Since I shared a room with one of them, that meant I had no door, either.  Pardon my french, but that totally sucked!     

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scribblesandsuch

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2017, 02:56:56 PM »
First, I agree: Removing the door to a teenager's room as a punishment is pretty messed up.

My (uBPD) mom was more inclined to listen in on my phone conversations (pre-cellphone) and force me to hang up if I shared anything she didn't like or if I criticized her in any way. I didn't keep a diary because I had the strong sense that she'd just go through it if she found it.

Sometimes she would kick me out of my own room because she decided she needed to be away from my enFather (who she was usually punishing for something) and wanted to sleep in my bed, so I needed to go elsewhere.  She would spread out to cover as much of the bed as possible sand refuse to respond to anything, feigning unconsciousness.

Sometimes, after enough prodding she would angrily announce that she was going to take the couch, as though I had slighted her. She would storm off and refuse to speak to anyone.

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sherby2k

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2017, 05:26:33 PM »
Not physical door removal but a "no secrets, open door" policy at my house - we were not allowed to lock our doors, and BPDMom could enter our room at anytime and go through our things. I remember her "sweeps" during rages, she would literally take her arm and sweep all desks and dressers clear of everything, nothing was sacred. Lots of precious possessions broken or lost because of her.

What others have said: there is a complete lack of respect for boundaries with PD parents. I would never dream of doing that sort of thing with my own child, so hurtful.

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SpunHead13

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2017, 09:10:14 PM »
Thank you for your responses. I was really worries that I might have been making a bigger deal out of it than it was, but that idea is probably thanks to mommy dearest.

Sherby2k- We had a similar policy in my house. At a certain point I just stopped talking. There were even things I lyed about in my diary because I was afraid it would be found and read. I had code words that only I knew the meaning of. I needed that diary though, despite the danger of it being discovered. It was my safe haven and I still keep one to this day.

RandomPanda- I laughed out loud when I read your story, not because I thinks it funny to live with PD brothers, its just the way you told it! could be a sitcom.

LifeLine- You sound like an impressive kid! Learning to wire a phone is pretty cool. I am amazed that your parents took away the door too, And I agree, if I ever have kids NEVER would I do anything of the sort to them!

BreakAway- You are absolutely right! And at the time it worked too, I stepped right into line. I think around that time is when I started to fold into myself and develop depression and anxiety (something I now have more or less under control)

Thank you for reading and responding! I cant even explain how freeing it is to have these kinds of memories validated and believed! Its such a relief to have found this forum!

It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence Welch

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sandpiper

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2017, 09:20:15 PM »
I was never allowed to shut the door and my stepmother threw a massive End of Days type tantrum one day when I tried it.
I discovered that my MIL had the same philosophy about doors in the early days when DH & I would occasionally stay with them.  The only door in the house that anyone was allowed to close was the bathroom.
Bizarre.
I still have No Clue what that was about. I just avoided staying there after the first night when she made that announcement.
Weird, just weird.

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AmericanWoman

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2017, 01:33:25 AM »
At least they noticed.  No sarcasm intended.

My brother and I were apparently neatly in our rooms or wherever in their mind, door attached or not.  They honestly didn't know where we were after about when we were 12yo.  We were all over a large city raising hell and just kids but they never either noticed or we were def not at the top of their concern list.  I spent the night in jail by the time I was 15 and it was a friend of mines father that learned of my whereabouts, my parents didn't know or look.   Absolutely no adult supervision then acted surprised when we did get into things.

Sorry about the door, back in the 70's it was cool to have the door off and put up beads as a door.

 

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lefty

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2017, 03:23:14 AM »
Wow! Can't believe I'm reading this. This is exactly how my parents were. My mother took my door around the same age (11-14). I've reason to believe both my parents have NPD, especially since I began working closely with a trauma therapist. They were extremely abusive physically and emotionally. Still are, and they still blame me for it. The reason I've tried as much as possible to distance myself from them.

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UKannie

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2017, 06:02:51 AM »
A short while later, my enF comes up the stairs with a drill, and with a lot of anger and determination he takes my bedroom door off its hinges. I begged him not to do it! The fights had nothing to do with privacy as far as I could tell. And the age I was at, I really needed my privacy and my room was a safe place I could hide and read and just stay unnoticed and safe.

Correct me if Im wrong but this seems like some pretty f***ed-up parenting... To use an adolescent girl's need for privacy against her... Its pretty twisted.

I really feel for you. My uNPDm made enDad remove the lock on our bathroom door for the same reasons. Yes, it's sick and twisted.  I remember feeling extremely violated. They are obsessed with control  :'(

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moglow

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2017, 12:29:19 PM »
Okay, I'll be the lone dissenter here - I see very clear boundaries and consequences. Slam the door again and it's taken away - she said it then followed through. I get that, loud and clear. We could all learn a lesson from that alone, no more threats, discussion and complaints. Action to make undesirable behavior stop - would that I had that kind of fortitude in other situations.

Granted, I'm not a slammer and never have been, hate the sound of it whether intentional or not. I lived with my brothers family for a year, niece (and my brother now I think about it) are spammers. It's not anger necessarily but can be out of frustration - doors, cabinets, drawers. All. Day. Long. And into the night. That sharp hard noise blast kept me on edge. So I kinda get the idea of take the door off and it stops. It is effective, I have to admit.

That said, I wasn't allowed to close my door, ever. Only the bathroom. It was assumed we were hiding something and all hell would break loose if I tried to even explain I just wanted quiet. I didn't want to pretend to watch the news or whatever was on t.v., I wanted to read or write or draw, alone and in peace. Nope. It was kind of like the movie Matilda where she was forced into "family time" but must remain silent and nobody noticed her. Children were to be seen and not heard, literally. Me and three preteen brothers, not to be heard. And you can't close the door.

Anyhoo. Y'all are right, the complete lack of respect for privacy and other people is what it boils down to. Now, I RELISH my quiet alone time, protect it fiercely! Woe be unto those who dare intrude.
« Last Edit: January 19, 2017, 12:33:54 PM by moglow »
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UKannie

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2017, 07:35:05 PM »
Okay, I'll be the lone dissenter here - I see very clear boundaries and consequences. Slam the door again and it's taken away - she said it then followed through. I get that, loud and clear. We could all learn a lesson from that alone, no more threats, discussion and complaints. Action to make undesirable behavior stop - would that I had that kind of fortitude in other situations.

moglow, I work in a health-related profession and if a young person confided in me that their parent of either gender had removed doors, locks on doors or violated any boundary on their privacy and dignity as a means of imposing discipline I would notify the relevant child protection authorities. No way is that acceptable behaviour.

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moglow

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2017, 09:35:34 PM »
I didn't say that I liked it or even agreed on any level - just that it was clearly stated and she followed through.  As far as boundaries go, that's an unmistakable example of consequences.  There's no ambiguity of will she or won't she, or what is or isn't acceptable at that point. 

Just to be clear, I have no real point of reference, since I wasn't allowed to even close my door.  Having or not having one was immaterial in my world.  It would never have occurred to me to have anything in the realm of a fight/disagreement with mother.  The repercussions from that alone would have been swift and severe, never mind slamming a door or expressing my anger in any way whatsoever.

I meant no offense, believe me, nor was it my intention defend or downplay her actions in any way.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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sandpiper

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2017, 11:06:13 PM »
Not wanting to get into either side of this, but I have a good idea where this one has come from - TV of course.
I don't know if any of you have seen the remake of 'Freaky Friday' but the mother in that was a therapist & she removed the door on the teenager's bedroom as a punishment.
I can see how that would translate into an entire audience of parents deciding that if Jamie Lee Curtis was doing this on the Disney channel then it's probably fine for them to do it too.
I think that would set up even reasonable but wobby-on-the-skllset type parents to follow through on it, if they're at their wits end with a teenager throwing a tantrum.
As for PDs, given the adoration they have for Hollywood stars, well...I would expect that after this movie came out there was probably a huge spike in door removal style punishments across the Disney watching world.
The same way that every time there's some new animal movie that comes out, there's a spike in animal adoptions of the particular breed used in the hit movie. And a few months later the animal refuges are full of them, because what sells in Hollywood doesn't translate well to real life.

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UKannie

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #18 on: January 20, 2017, 06:56:38 AM »
Thanks moglow. I don't want minimise your experience either, really that wasn't my intention. My point is that for a professional, a disclosure that parents had acted in this way as a punishment, particularly around puberty, would be a 'red flag' that abuse (sexual/emotional/physical) could be going on in the home.  Personally I would report it. 

In any case (thank God) it's the kind of thing young kids are taught to speak out about nowadays. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/. It's more likely now than in, say, the 80s that children would speak out about a violation of privacy that made them feel uneasy. I wish that material had been in UK schools in the 70s. At the very least if would have meant my mother (who was a teacher herself) would have had some training about safegarding issues.

I'll be honest with you all - aside from all the stuff around reporting duties on adults working with children - this is a majorly triggering issue for me and a very triggering thread, My mother tried to get to see me naked as often as she could once I hit puberty. Once she stripped me forcefully. When the lock on the bathroom door was removed (like the OP the reason given was tantrums) I knew in my gut she had found a way to legitimize spying on me and it was traumatising. 

As a consequence of her behaviour, I felt a lot of shame about my body which led to some very self-destructive behaviours later in life. I would do anything I could to protect a child I knew or worked with from that.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2017, 07:13:26 AM by UKannie »

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littlemisssunshine

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Re: Removing a door as punishment
« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2017, 07:06:02 AM »
This happened to me, i was a door slammer i think because I felt like i was not being heard and I did It out of frustration. When they did it to me i put up a piece of fabric with drawing pins in a f you I'm still going to have some privacy kind of way, the more I think about their parenting skills the more ridiculous i think they both were/are.