Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist

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Frothed out

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Hello,

I have been belittled, blamed, verbally bullied, intimidated, invalidated, raged against, and threatened by the woman I married 12 years ago. 

I only came across the concept of a 'narcissist' a few months ago, and after reading lots and lots I am afraid I am dealing with a covert(introverted) narcissist.

I am here to find out how to cope through what others like me have dealt with, and what success stories there might be.

PS I am Canadian

Frothy
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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gettingstronger

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2016, 01:53:02 PM »
Hello and welcome to OOTF.  I am sorry to hear you are married to a narcissist. That has got to be really hard. It sounds like she is emotionally abusive of you. Hopefully she is not that way towards any kids you may have.  OOTF is a great resource of information about personality disorders. I learned a lot in how to deal with my family. I wish you well in coping with your wife.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...  It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene

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lifeline

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2016, 01:53:22 PM »
Welcome to OOTF. I am sorry to hear you have endured years of abuse.  This place is a wonderful resource for healing, overcoming, and potentially working on a much healthier relationship.

There are some areas of the forum you may want to check out, particularly for stories of how to cope and continue a relationship with your loved one.
There is a board called "Committed to working on it" http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=7.0

Also, Top 100 Traits to help identify what you are dealing with: http://outofthefog.website/traits/

And finally, The OOTF Toolbox is a life saving set of articles to help you cope with the day to day of living with a person who has a PD. http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/

I don't know how to do the fancy links like the mods do, but this might get you started.

Wishing you all the best,
LL
"Only I can change my life.  No one can do it for me."
-Carol Burnette

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Frothed out

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2016, 03:16:00 PM »
Welcome to OOTF. I am sorry to hear you have endured years of abuse.  This place is a wonderful resource for healing, overcoming, and potentially working on a much healthier relationship.

There are some areas of the forum you may want to check out, particularly for stories of how to cope and continue a relationship with your loved one.
There is a board called

Also, Top 100 Traits to help identify what you are dealing with:

And finally, The OOTF Toolbox is a life saving set of articles to help you cope with the day to day of living with a person who has a PD.

I don't know how to do the fancy links like the mods do, but this might get you started.

Wishing you all the best,
LL

Thanks,

It was all of those links which I saw first that led me to this forum.  I can certainly share and listen to other's as I am feeling isolated and weak from this.

Frothy
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2016, 03:17:27 PM »
Hello and welcome to OOTF.  I am sorry to hear you are married to a narcissist. That has got to be really hard. It sounds like she is emotionally abusive of you. Hopefully she is not that way towards any kids you may have.  OOTF is a great resource of information about personality disorders. I learned a lot in how to deal with my family. I wish you well in coping with your wife.

Thanks,

We have two beautiful girls.  It is the treatment of the children that is pushing me to finally do something about it.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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kazzak

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2016, 04:27:33 PM »
Welcome to the forum, I find talking about it here helps.

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Mrs.Ghosty

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2017, 02:52:02 PM »
Dear Frothy, You have come to a great place! Sharing and reading about the experiences of others is so  helpful in reducing the feeling of isolation.  PD's rely on isolating you so as to maintain control of you. Have any friends or family approached you with concerns about your wife's behaviors?
    My son is 12 years into and 8 years married to a covert NPD who also exhibits histrionicPD (HIGHLY inappropriate sexually seductive behaviors)  and borderlinePD behaviors. Often this is the case with this Cluster B group of personality disorders...symptoms/behaviors cross over from one PD to the other.  My  family has seen and heard all of what you describe...and more.  My DIL is abusive towards others as well and I am so sorry to learn you have adored daughters who are also targets...  but very glad this is the impetus for you to seek help.
   My own advice is to find a good therapist for yourself. You will get tools for dealing with this. .... and to read, read, read. (as my own therapist recommended to me) There is lots of information on-line and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a good book. The very, very  sad thing is that...the prognosis for change/growth  with PD's is very slim. (of course...any relationship discord is placed entirely on the shoulders of the "other(s)", right?  ) For your own protection and especially the protection of your children, you may decide you have to leave the relationship.   
   My brother was married 50 years to a BPD and the damage to his two children was just horrid. My adult niece and nephew  have only recently shared their childhood horror stories with the extended family. You MUST  protect your daughters.   Blessings and good luck to you, Mrs. Ghosty

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Frothed out

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Re: Greetings from a husband married to a (suspected) covert narcissist
« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2017, 09:33:27 AM »
Thanks for the kind words Mrs. Ghostly,

The more I read the more I believe I have the 'best' of the worst cases.  My family mostly 'understands'  when my wife has to work,  or appears stressed from too much 'work'.   My wife buries herself in work.  We have no close friends(which she has blamed on me, of course),  so I have no real external people to share my troubles with.  I have mentioned a few things to my parents/sister, but they can't seem to see what I see and they live 100 km away and so I do feel isolated.  Right now I am feeling quite bleached, bland,  empty.  I certainly need to work on me.  This is one of the places to do it.

Thanks,

Frothy.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.