First post - losing battle with uPPD gf ...

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First post - losing battle with uPPD gf ...
« on: January 19, 2017, 03:10:32 PM »

I'm going to post a couple of specific posts/questions within the 'Chosen relationship' forum but thought I would put my first introductory post on here to provide the background...

I apologise now if this rambles somewhat...

I've been in a relationship with my gf for nearly two years but for all but the first 3/4 months our time has been plagued by increasing number of episodes of suspicion, anger, accusations repetitive conversations trying to explain/justify/rationalise. Although it's not been confirmed I am very sure my gf suffers from PPD which I feel has all but put pay to any chance of happiness that we have. I love my gf very much, she's beautiful, cute, kind and generous and even through our many issues I still feel she is the first person I have hoped would lead to marriage, kids, houses, dogs, the full monty.

ME - I'm 41 and have had a few relationships that have ended for one reason or another, typically just not being right at the end of the day as opposed to any fundamental issue or cheating etc etc.  I have, and continue to have, some problems of my own around periods of low mood/confidence that I feel has caused some added difficulty within my career and also relationships. Whilst I still need to get on top of this I feel I am aware of this and how it affects how I look at myself, periods of low confidence, feeling not good enough, over analysing, indecision etc.

MY GF - she is slightly younger than me and has also had a number of relationships, a couple of longer ones but then more recently a pattern of shorter ones lasting less than a year. She is also quite guarded about these but from what she has let one there has been a pattern that she thought they were always paying more attention to other girls, constantly on phone, not paying her enough attention. It was also clear the last one ended badly with her being accused of needing to control her anger and aggression.
Within about 6 months it was clear there was an increasing pattern of behaviour typically caused by her being suspicious over ex girlfriends, unhappy about any possible plans of me going out with friends or even family. Any text or email on my phone would cause suspicion.  She would quickly become angry and once that switch had been flipped there was just no way of resolution. Accusations I didn't prioritise her, lied to her, didn't treat her well enough. It was vicious (verbally) at times and no amount of explanation or justification would calm things down. I would always have to be the one to resolve things even if that was hours or even days later. She very rarely says sorry, only apologies when asked to and even then it is conditional.

Her past also has PPD traits. Her mother suffers from Schizophrenia, her dad left them both when she was only 3. Her first long relationship (8 years) ended when her ex left her for another woman.

She is totally unaware of the possibility of PPD even though there has been little glimpses where she admitted early in the relationship  to being paranoid and maybe this has been affected my previous relationships. But these days she reacts angrily to any suggestion she is paranoid and goes absolutely ballistic at the suggestion we maybe look into medical support. This type of conversations has led to me being accused of being a bully and even abusing her.

Our issues have gone on since 3/4 months into the relationship and when I look back every single memory I have is marred by these type of episodes. I look at my phone now and it's sad at how many of those messages are part of this never ending cycle of accusation/suspicion and then failed justification and reasoning (I know now how this pattern is symptomatic, JADE etc etc). But even now it is so hard not to fall into that spiral when I'm constantly being falsely accused.

Like all men I am not perfect (!), and based on what I know now, there are times when I have fuelled the flames. Even now I can react angrily to these accusations, I fall into cyclic arguments etc. Relationships with ex's are also the cause of much anger and a couple of situations with ex's haven't helped. Firstly I am now on relatively friendly terms with an ex (from 12 years ago) and she happens to work at the same place as me and my gf. I was up front about this from day 1 (I even went to the ex's wedding a few years ago) but this has always been the topic of many arguments and suspicion. Some of this I do understand  ( I would be a little uncomfortable) but it's always over the top. Also in my last relationship that ended a couple of years ago I ended up leaving a handful of boxes in her garage because I had nowhere to put them at the time. I have only just gone to collect these but again this caused much grief. Again, given what I know now I should have collected the stuff much earlier to remove that particular issue.

I have also told little lies on a couple of occasions that I later came clean about. Initially it was just to prevent an argument but I feel like those only helped to confirm her pre conceived suspicions and those things never ever get forgotten. The difficulty is just that there is just no way to avoid these things happening, whenever choice I make it will be the wrong one, there will always be a way for her to find fault or to trigger an accusation of one thing or another. If I don't mention every single detail of what I've been doing or planning then I am lying to her, if I tell her everything then it just leads to more questions or suspicion.

Whilst these do cause a lot of issue and my gf suggests this has a lot to do with how she acts I know this is not the cause as there are so many other examples that has led to the same hostile reaction. Some examples are:
* Anger how I gave my sister a hug on her annual visit just because my gf wasn't in the room at the time.
* Suggestion I am always dropping her at the last minute and putting everyone else first.
* Anger if I break anything
* Anger if I go for the odd drink (that happens very rarely), accused of being drunk after a couple of drinks.
* Anger when I have made the odd phonecall to family when we are on holiday saying that the holiday was spoiled because of it.
* Anger is I don't pick up the phone or reply to texts straight away
* Every noise from my phone is picked up on and interrogated
* Even a couple of birthday texts from females (previous colleagues or uni friends) cause anger and suspicion as to what my relationship is with them and why would they text. I've been told that she will never by ok with my receiving any messages from females.
* She refuses to be my friend on Facebook (after 2 years) as she doesn't want to see if other females are on there.

I can tick off some many of the things in the PPD glossary around the Always/Never statements, confirmation bias, selective memory/amnesia etc...

Basically when we are in our own little bubble of just me an her it can be great and it's these times that I cling on for. But anyone else can be seen as a threat and I've never been away from her with friends or family without 'an episode'.

I've been told to leave the house numbers times, told it's all over, told enough is enough but eventually she would calm down and things continue as normal for a little while. But ultimately there has been too many, its prevented us from moving on with any plans of buying a house together or getting engaged, and we both seem to be just worn out by it all. The latest episode say me leaving the house, her throwing my clothes on the floor and it feels like it may be at an end. We have met up a couple of times in the last week to try and talk but it just ends up me talking and anytime there is even a suggestion that she could do more or change something is met with anger and then it just starts all over again. It's total Jekyll and Hyde.

If you are still reading this then thanks and sorry for the waffle, I'll try to bring it to a close. As others have said reading stuff on her has provided some relief and an explanation for her actions. But it's also heart breaking as it highlights how this will not be cured and I do feel it will finally put pay to our relationship.

I guess I am just very very sad. Sad for myself as it's so tough thinking I am going to lose out on happiness and the thought of having to let her go and never share the good times (of which there have been many) again. But I'm also sad for her, as she is affected by this thing she has no understanding or control over that is likely to affect her for the rest of her life. It will continue to affect her future relationships  and I hate the thought she may never be happy.

Now I have given the background I am going to post a couple of specific posts on particular issues and observations...

Sorry for the length of this again...



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Re: First post - losing battle with uPPD gf ...
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2017, 03:34:53 PM »
Welcome to OOTF. Your story is very much like mine. I got through stuff and my marriage with my uPPDw is working out due to this site. Study the Toolbox. Look at the topics of setting Boundaries, the 3C's how not to JADE and how to avoid Circular Conversations by using Medium Chill.

As you are already posting on the Chosen Board you will find a lot of support there as well as learn from others. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius