anyone else lost lgbt friends because of NPD ex's lies ?

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harl

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anyone else lost lgbt friends because of NPD ex's lies ?
« on: January 19, 2017, 05:02:43 PM »
Hello everyone
I'm new here. I was in a lesbian relationship for 20 years, 10 of which were abusive. physical, emotional, sexual, financial. My NPD ex flew into a narcassistic rage on christmas day in 2015 infront of my relatives and then threatened me in front of our children. It had happened before but because it was a rare public display, it had legs and we broke up. I went to two close friends for tea and sympathy. They both sympathized and agreed my ex had a temper, was behaving badly and I should just look out for the kids and try my best.
Next thing I know one of them helps my NPD ex set up a maintenance agreement (we've got two kids, they live with me 90% of the time, I'm on a low wage, my ex a high wage) which gave my ex control of the most of the kids and house finance.  So the kids and I had to go to her, or she had to drop by, for most of the day to day expenses. (It's all fine now, I went to a lawyer and now receive basic maintenance).
It happened because my ex persuaded our close and mutual friend to help us reach an agreement. I realise now it was part of her NPD strategy. I thought my friend was helping me with my stand about not wanting to be alone with my ex without someone else present.  My ex gaslighted and lied through the meeting and manipulated our friend into working out the figures which were based on lies. My friend seemed to have no memory of what I'd told her a few days before. It was in the early days, before I'd really learned how to deal with the lies and gaslighting. I left in tears. I asked my friend for her written calculations, admittedly I was angry and upset but I wanted proof of the financial abuse for a lawyer, she declined and said she'd never speak to me again. The other close friend I went to see/talk to just cut me off and stayed friends with my ex. They were the only two people within our circle of lesbian friends that I spoke to. But they obviously spread the word because I am now persona non grata in that circle. My ex spread the word that I was over critical and it made her ill and violent and she had to leave. That was a year ago. My kids see these people sometimes. My son finds it hard that none of them want to be in touch with me.
A few months into out break up I was having great difficulty setting boundaries with my ex. She'd moved out in a narcassistic rage, presuming the kids would follow her but they didn't. So for a long time, she regularly came into the house angry and full of entitlement at any time of day or night she liked, under the pretext 'I haven't left the kids, it's half my house'. By text and email I asked her to warn me, ring the doorbell, respect my home but she wouldn't hear it and presumably her friends were encouraging her. It got worse and worse, it wasn't just me it affected, the kids hated it. The pressure got too much and I went to the police and now she can't come into the house anymore. Problem solved. One lesbian friend did get in touch to say that I wasn't putting the children first. Which is quite ridiculous. The kids were keen for me to solve the problem and the police were keen to solve it for the children.
That was nine months ago. I can cope with my ex because she can't walk in the house anymore and I do gray rock and it's very effective. She still texts emotional and accusational crap every now and then. It bothers me but I'm getting better at dealing with it.
I struggle harder with losing an entire circle of friends. I understand how it happened - my ex is clever, has been for years and for years I've fallen into her public traps and didn't tell anyone about the abuse when we were still together. Although I don't think taking sides is nice in the first place (unless abuse is involved, how ironic !) but you can see why I lost friends. Sort of. I'm not at all perfect but if there's something everyone knows about me it's that I don't lie.
And now they believe I'm a liar, apparently out to punish my ex without a second thought for my children. The police believed my lies and the children (16 yr old twins, with keys to their mother's flat which is five minutes walk away and cell phones plus complete freedom to go where they please when they please ) stay at home because it's a nicer house and presumably because I force them. They and her family think my ex should be allowed access to my home whenever she likes and my attitude to stop her sucks. How can anyone believe that's a feasible story ? I know it's about not wanting to believe it and all that, but really ?!
I don't want them back as friends, but because my kids still see them, and my ex likes to remind me of the social life I'm missing, I find it hard to accept, deal with and move on. I have other friends outside of that circle, don't get me wrong, but that circle were important and some of them were close friends and they still see the kids. They are my ex's only circle of friends. For me, they turned into an army of hate for me and validation for my ex. it's ironic really that the kids relationship with their mother has got worse as time has gone by, because she's been encouraged to carry on bullying and only considering her own feelings. Obviously it's dressed up that I'm to blame for her situation.
My mum wants to talk to one of them, try to get them to believe that things are not as they seem, that they should think differently for our kids. If I thought they would listen and act I would let her. But I know there's no point. No point in engaging with such brainwashed people, I will only make myself look more mad and unreasonable.
So I just have to support the kids as best I can and grin and bear it. There's a part of me that wants the kids to tell them how they really feel about their mother, but there's a bigger part that wants it never to be mentioned, because if they do want to talk about it, they are the wrong people to talk to. And maybe I should stop worrying about it all so much, they don't see my kids often enough to have too bad an effect on them
Anyone else having/had a similar experience ? Got any advice ?

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coyote

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Re: anyone else lost lgbt friends because of NPD ex's lies ?
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2017, 05:53:06 PM »
Harl,
There are many her that share your experience and it is certainly not exclusive to the LBGTQ community. I understand the part that  "wants the kids to tell them how they really feel about their mother," And yes ex PDs have caused a lot of nons to lose friends and even relatives. All I can say to that is, "Those who care don' matter and those that matter don't care." This is a supportive community that you will learn a lot from. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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harl

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Re: anyone else lost lgbt friends because of NPD ex's lies ?
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2017, 11:57:14 AM »
thanks coyote,
you're right. I'm just troubled for my kids that these people think they're living with me against their will and I create a terrible home environment for them. Two of them are taking them out for a 17th birthday meal tomorrow night. My ex is away but has made all the arrangements without informing me. The kids told me it was happening. I suppose they'll be picked up and dropped off outside the house without a 'hello' or 'we'll bring them back at 10'.
As you say, their problem not mine, I just hope they don't upset my kids.
I love the Wayne Dyer quote by the way.
Have you heard this one - Albert Einstein -
'the world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing'

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coyote

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Re: anyone else lost lgbt friends because of NPD ex's lies ?
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2017, 12:28:01 PM »
Thank you Harl. No I've not heard the Einstein quote but I love it. I think as long as you are there for the kids, as long as they can count on you to be consistent, supportive and loving, they will be able to face whatever troubles life throws at them. Please be sure you are taking care of yourself at the same time. Thanks for sharing and keep us up to date please. We are here for you. 
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius