Controlling People - Patricia Evans

[Oscen]

I'm about halfway through this and it's really turned on a lightbulb for me.
I've read plenty about C-PTSD, PDs and abuse in general to learn what I can, but I feel like I've got the missing puzzle piece now.
I can give up and let go of the "relationship" with my mother now with absolutely no guilt, because my feeling that there has never been any actual relationship there is quite correct.

This book is compassionate in that it seeks to understand, but it never trivialises the damage caused by abuse.

It claims that a controlling relationship is "backwards", because the relationship is built from the outside in - the controller doesn't slowly connect to the authentic person by allowing them to show who they really are - what's inside. Instead, a controller seeks connection by defining another person from the outside, and expects that person to conform to their defined image to maintain the feeling of connection. All backwards - back to front and inside out. And controllers do this to others, because they do exactly the same thing to themselves. They don't know who they authentically are, because they've never been allowed to connect with themselves, so they too build their own image from the outside and then attempt to live up to this vision, which inevitably fails as it is not based on self-knowledge. However, anyone who exposes the illusion is perceived as a threat and is attacked.

This all explains how my mother can pay so little attention to me but feel entitled to my attention; shout at me with rage and contempt but feel no urge to take any responsibility or apologise; take the credit for my successes; put the blame on me for my every "failure" (aka natural, normal human mistakes); and react with sudden hostility and contempt to the simplest of things, like expressing my own opinion or needs; and after all that, still claim to love me. Love me? She doesn't know me! She doesn't even ask how I am! It confused me so much. Who acts like that, after all?

Now I know why. She thinks she has a relationship with a completely different person who is not actually me, but just happens to reside in my body. Someone she has the right to define, not me. This perfect daughter always makes her feel like the perfect mother, so any time I open my voice and displace the perfect little mirror she thinks I ought to be - just by being a separate individual, independent from her!! - she responds aggressively to get me back in my shell. She doesn't even think there's anything wrong with it, because she feels so entitled to get exactly what she wants from me that I must be the one in the wrong for deviating from her weird little script. She's treated me so badly just for being human, for attempting to become my own person. No wonder it's been so hard to get to know, accept and express myself.

And lastly, I've always been somehow uncomfortably aware that I had taken on aspects of her abuse, and often struggled to connect with other people. Fleas, if not bordering on BPD at times... no pun intended. Now I see what it is... my own control issues. I couldn't actually understand others as people because I couldn't understand myself. I'm just so relieved at this point to have answers, I am taking on as much as I can to stop perpetuating the cycle.

If you are still coming to terms with the realisation someone important to you has a PD and has been emotionally abusing you then you will need more than just this book - you'll need to look at trauma recovery to take care of yourself and "regrow" your poor damaged spirit (it can be done - don't despair).

However, if you're addressing your trauma but you still find yourself saying "why?!" or "why can't/won't/don't they see?!" or even "what on earth do they think they're even trying to achieve with such insane, backwards behaviour?!!", then this book actually has the answer.
I thoroughly recommend it as an explanation of the mechanisms underlying PDs themselves, and the dynamics of an intimate relationship with a person so affected.

[NumbLotus]

That model of controlling is amazing. I will be thinking a lot about it.

[PeanutButter]

That was a great review of the book. It was one of the firstbooks I read. I lived it too!

[SparkStillLit]

WOW, just your...um...summary? Overview?...was super enlightening!! I'm going to have to get this book.
Gosh that is JUST how I feel!! Like updh made this image of me, *that is not me*, and he gets super mad whenever i conduct myself outside of it, and he even SAYS that about connecting!  We only "connect" when i operate inside the construct!! You know who else does this?? MY MOM!!! Gee what a surprise, right??

See, lol, I'm all lightbulby about it. And that was just the review!

[Honey_B]

Now I know why. She thinks she has a relationship with a completely different person who is not actually me, but just happens to reside in my body. Someone she has the right to define, not me

Yup, this is so true and a very important realization. My mother still has no idea who I really am and she has absolutely no interest in getting to know the real me. It created a lot of frustration for me when I realized it and later a lot of sorrow as well.

But.. what I also came to realize later, was that I in my friendships later in life, this pattern has repeated itself. I have attracted a lot of "friends" with traits similar to my mother who also created a view of me from the outside. This has meant that I had to let go of a lot of friends in my healing process, because they simply didn't like me anymore when I didn't mirror the image that they had created of me. This was a hard process!!

I believe I have better friends now who see ME and don't have control issues, but I am still very much aware of which people I am drawn to and the people who are drawn to me. I am still a magnet for narcisissts, but I am learning to weed them out now 

[p123]

Great review. Sounds like a very interesting book....

Makes sense to me too. I often get the impression that Dad sees me as a small child that does everything he wants and has no idea about me (or cares anyway).

[Oscen]

p123 - it's good, isn't it? Makes so much sense. It's tough when someone in close proximity isn't comfortable with you growing up.

Honey_B - I know what you mean about friends! I fell out with a friend over his controlling behaviour, although I didn't quite have the understanding at the time to describe it, but I knew it wasn't right. It was subtle, but I realised that I was only his "friend" if I lived up to his image of me. It was ok at first because the image was something I aspired to, but then my priorities started changing and I realised I wanted a friend who was my friend no matter what path I chose; someone who wanted to see me happy, not just have me as a cool artistic friend to make him look good.

SparkStillLit - it's a lightbulb for me too. My mother did lots of covert abusive tactics, but I just couldn't figure out why. Now, I feel I understand it well enough to be sure of my decisions.

PeanutButter - yes, I'm glad I found it when I did.

NumbLotus - it's the first I've found that makes total sense. I can understand the controlling behaviour from a compassionate, humane point of view, whilst still acknowledging that it's harmful and wrong.

[11JB68]

Ordered this from Amazon, came in on Thursday. Finishing two others first, looking forward to reading this.

[heron]

It claims that a controlling relationship is "backwards", because the relationship is built from the outside in - the controller doesn't slowly connect to the authentic person by allowing them to show who they really are - what's inside. Instead, a controller seeks connection by defining another person from the outside, and expects that person to conform to their defined image to maintain the feeling of connection. All backwards - back to front and inside out. And controllers do this to others, because they do exactly the same thing to themselves. They don't know who they authentically are, because they've never been allowed to connect with themselves, so they too build their own image from the outside and then attempt to live up to this vision, which inevitably fails as it is not based on self-knowledge. However, anyone who exposes the illusion is perceived as a threat and is attacked.

Wow, this is exactly what I experience from uBPDW! She gets so mad when I'm not the same person she wants me to be. And perceives it as a threat and attacks it.

In some ways, I think I do the same thing. I perceive her constant crisis and blaming and projection as threats, and rather than accepting them (maybe leaving - but accepting that's how she really feels and will keep feeling in the future), I attack them and try to change her.

It doesn't work.

[11JB68]

Just started reading this today