Shattered Reality and need some advise

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Proverbslady49

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Shattered Reality and need some advise
« on: February 11, 2017, 11:13:15 AM »
I guess I keep reaching out because I don't know what is happening.  My reality was that I was broken and mentally ill and my mom and dad that adopted me were unlucky enough to pick me.  I have always felt that I was such a problem.  I was defective.  I never did what I was told.  I was always in trouble for every single thing I did.  I talked wrong.  I said the wrong thing.  I didn't study right.  I didn't act properly.  I was constantly corrected and instructed on how to behave "like a proper lady".  Class, morals and high standards was what my parents expected and because they were my parents why would I think that what was happening was so very wrong and giving me such depression and sadness.  I also remember all the lovely places we went.  I had beautiful homes.  I traveled with them everywhere.  I had expensive everything and never worried about material things.  In fact, I am sure part of my adult issues now are from the fact that I had so much but never learned value or how to handle money or make wise choices.  Those things were not important apparently.  The most important thing was that I was to get exceptional grades and act like a perfect well bred lady (by 5 years old my Aunt  told me  was a midget 40 year old) .  I had no idea that this was just strange.   I didn't really play with other kids and when I went to school i didn't fit in at all.  I had no idea why I couldn't make friends.  I had no concept that I wasn't doing anything wrong, I just think now that whatever was being done to me in my head made me strange and desperate for someone to be nice to me. 

All this time, I have felt an outcast, defective, unwanted and misunderstood.  This is all true but what is a revelation that should bring me comfort is that it wasn't my fault.  I was raised in a horrible environment of materialistic appearances with no real love or warmth  I do have fond memories and they are loving in the only way I was ever taught love was.  It was about eating out, getting presents and material worldly stuff.  Oddly enough my parents sent me to Christian Schools my whole life and told me that Jesus was important.  It was strange though that they followed the commandments and lived very moral lives, they did't really have the heart of Jesus that I am learning to want so much. 

There are so many fights that have been buried deep in my soul.  There are so many ways that I acted out.  I am sure I did them for attention because I never got any good attention.  I am sure now that it wasn't my fault that this happened.  Then was a different story because those actions were constantly earning me more put downs about what a horrible naughty difficult child I was.  I eventually lied all the time and that became the biggest part of my frustration.  Noone believe the truth when I told it so I just started to lie to avoid, even for a day, listening to my mom lecture.  It was a very depressing existence and the only joy came from material possessions and reading book. 

There is so much more sadness, but I am just so lost right now.  The identity of the naughty disappointment of a daughter has now been replaced by victim of bad parenting.  That really doesn't change that I still am defective and scarred.  I am almost more confused because even though I didn't have a healthy identity, I had an identity...what do I do now  I have no way of actually asking my mom questions because apparently she will never think she did anything wrong and it will just not be productive.  She is dying from cancer and has only a bit more to live.  I really don't want to be angry anymore.  I would feel even worse if I made her upset before she died.  Then again, does she even feel anything??  Were all her tears because I "abused her" which she always told me , real.  Did she actually feel sadness because she cried and shut down and was emotionally unavailable my whole life.  She sure could spend money and retail therapy was her best friend.  Anyway, I would love to hear from people.  I would love to know how you first handled the discovery and did anyone feel guilty about thinking this way.  I keep second guessing what I feel is true because friends that I am talking with are saying that I am paranoid.. which also made me realize its a mistake to talk to people that have been raised differently.  They just can't seem to grasp how really dark and unhappy and shallow my childhood was. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Shattered Reality and need some advise
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2017, 03:44:49 PM »
Somehow, and I don't know why or how, a child knows what she really needs and misses. If you feel that you did not get enough re-assurance, warmth, praise, cuddling and love, you probably did not.
Still, it is hard to loose your mum, even, or maybe especially if she did not life up to your needs.
Is it possible for you to get some therapy? If you are lucky and find a good therapist, it really can help.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: Shattered Reality and need some advise
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2017, 05:02:03 PM »
I'm sorry for your pain, Proverbslady, and I love the ideal your user name seems to imply of trying to be a  Proverbs 31 kind of gal. That, too, is the goal I have set for myself. It becomes more challenging when our self-image has been distorted by PD parents, and when many of the people we felt comfortable inviting into our lives reflect the PD "norm" we grew up with. It is hard not to feel like a failure when we can see the judgment in the critical eyes of those who should love us most. When our PD parents pointed out our flaws, sometimes they were right. Sometimes we did handle things poorly, or fail tests, or forget things, or make mistakes. A loving parent, like our loving God, doesn't ignore our shortcomings, but offers us hope of overcoming them. Instead of defining us by our failures, a loving parent, and our loving God, encourages us to do better and move beyond our failures and embarrassments. Then they take genuine joy in our efforts to grow and improve.

I wonder if, like me, you have been raised with a tendency to see situations (and yourself) as only black or white. Perfect or a hopeless disappointment. Of course you doom yourself to feel like a failure if your standard of success is perfection.  You used a lot of "always" and "all" and "never" in your post. Not much in life is always or never or perfect or unsalvageably flawed. I think this childhood training is making it hard for you to feel empowered to be who you want to be. Since you can't be perfect, it is hard for you to try. And, since your parents were correct that you (like me and everyone else) were not perfect, it is hard for you not to label yourself as bad or defective.

Quote from: proverbslady49
The identity of the naughty disappointment of a daughter has now been replaced by victim of bad parenting.

This quote of yours concerns me. Although you are justified in thinking of yourself as a victim of your PD parents, thinking of yourself as a victim robs you of your power to reinvent your identity. Yes, you WERE a victim, but now you are not locked into that place anymore. You are a FORMER victim, a SURVIVOR! You are adjusting to so much and bravely facing the truth. It is a difficult thing you are doing. It is a brave and scary path you have chosen. Just the fact that you have chosen this path means you are a strong person with the power to make positive changes in your life. You might FEEL lost, but you are not lost. You are in unfamiliar surroundings, yes, but you are going to find your way. The old, familiar way did not work for you. This way is harder, but it is better.

One of the ways PDs control us is to make us fear change. This way we accept our situation and surrender to their control. The part of you that rebelled against your upbringing was your inner strength looking for an outlet from the abuse. You are out now. You are free to be strong and to change. And to sometimes make mistakes. And to have doubts. It's OK. You don't have to figure everything out today and you don't have to make your mom understand. (She doesn't want to understand.) We  totally get where you are coming from and want to support you in where you are going. The first steps Out of the FOG are the hardest. You will look back on these first posts 6 months from now and be amazed at your courage and growth!  :bighug:

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Proverbslady49

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Re: Shattered Reality and need some advise
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2017, 06:44:39 PM »
Yes, I do use black and white logic don't I.  I use it quite frequently, and yes in my house you were either good or bad.  Be one or the other but never lukewarm!!!  I have an interesting and probably the most wonderful moment with my mom and even if that is the very last time and I hope it isn't.... I am so grateful for this... I told my mom that I know she had wanted to raise me to be just like her and that I was sorry that i fell short... she looked up at me and said "It's a good thing I didn't get you to act like me isn't it"  i would have been dead long ago!  I was stunned.  That was as close to an apology or admission I have ever heard.  Before that happened a nurse came in to check mommy's ostomy and my mother said "My daughter is the very best nurse when it comes to changing my bag.  She is absolutely wonderful at taking care of me"  i almost fell over... i became the golden child and the nurse was getting the scapegoat!!  LOL I would have never even had this concept or had these moments if I hadn't chosen to forgive and do everything I could to send her home to Jesus in peace and comfort.  I pray for more time, but God's Will be done.  Thank you so much for the encouragements and I am working on therapy.

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NewDawn

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Re: Shattered Reality and need some advise
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2017, 08:25:20 PM »
Proverbs,

I am sorry for what you have been through and am glad you are taking the brave steps in coming OOTF.  You mentioned that your mother was abusive to the nurse and scapegoated her while elevating you for the first time to the level of GC.  If I'm understanding correctly, her comment made you feel like all the abuse you have endured was worth it.

Just a word of caution - what your mother said was 100 percent abusive and you were used as a pawn in her scathing game of chess to belittle the nurse only.  Often PDs will turn the SG into the GC only to publicly  demoralize a third party.  It doesn't mean that you have finally done something right to win her love and approval.  The situation will most likely reverse itself soon and you will go back to the SG role as these PD's do not change.  I myself as the SG have been fooled by this bitter tactic many times. 

Your beauty and worth as a person does not come from the feigned, artificial compliments of a lifetime abuser. Most likely this is all about self-centeredness and manipulation on her part.

Take good care of yourself, step back from allowing the emotion of "finally winning her love", and be clear-headed so that she is unable to control and manipulate you with shallow accolades.  She wants you subservient to her needs to the bitter end. .

Best to you...
« Last Edit: February 11, 2017, 08:54:12 PM by NewDawn »

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Gladiola23

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Re: Shattered Reality and need some advise
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2017, 09:17:08 PM »
I'm so sorry. Your background sounds similar to mine. NPD father and BPD mother. I thought I was flawed all along but I'm not. Your not. You have everything in you. It's not our fault our programming was wrong. The fear obligation and guilt are sooo strong, and denying anything that we need/feel for those who ran our lives for so long. Please know this can be unlearned. It feels strange and ackward, but it's not harmful or negative. Choosing your own friends and family and reducing the internal pain and angst is critical. Finding ways to fill yourself and get that love you so deserved but didn't get is possible. You are valuable. Treating yourself with that kindness tenderness and compassion that you would treat a hurting animal makes you strong. Denying or minimizing the pain in yourself prolongs the hurt. Saying that your Mom "didn't mean it" doesn't really give you the voice or care that acknowledges the pain she caused. You are just as important and are deserving of love.

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Adria

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Re: Shattered Reality and need some advise
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2017, 09:38:49 PM »
Proverbs, you said, " I would have never even had this concept or had these moments if I hadn't chosen to forgive and do everything I could to send her home to Jesus in peace and comfort.  I pray for more time, but God's Will be done."

I think it's wonderful that you took the high road in the end. You are a really good person and long term, even after having to work through all the garbage, You will have peace knowing that you could forgive and send her home to Jesus in peace and comfort.  That doesn't negate everything that has happened and all the wrong done to you, however, I believe it makes you the bigger person and gives you a great platform from which to step out and up and start your healing.

If it makes you feel better to know that she was kind (for whatever reason at the end) and you want to hang onto that, if it soothes your soul, than keep that special moment in your heart. Sometimes when things get really hard, and that's all you have, it can be enough to get you through.

I'm so sorry for all you have been through. It sounds like you have a lot of unraveling to do. Be kind to youself and lift yourself up with kind words.  We are here for you, and things will get better. :bighug: