"good times" with PD FOO

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JusticeBeaver

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"good times" with PD FOO
« on: February 15, 2017, 05:03:36 PM »
Some discussion in another thread got me thinking about this. I don't have any memories of good times with my uNPD mother. So when other's mention the good times, I think of a gag from the show Arrested Development:

"We've had some pretty good times...." 

Black screen with text: Footage not found.

There were times when I had fun and enjoyed myself growing up, but they were in her absence. Like one time we went camping with a large group and I had a blast playing with the other kids, but my mother went because she was getting hammered and hooking up with bikers. She and I didn't do anything fun together during the trip, and on the ride home she guilt tripped me about how expensive it was and how spoiled and ungrateful I am. Do others who are NC have memories from their past that are like beacons of light through the bad ones, that make you think "if only they could have been like that all the time..."

My memories consist of fear, feeling like a burden, walking on eggshells, threats and neglect - the neglect being sometimes the most positive aspect. I'm an only child, she was a single mother and kept me from having a relationship with my dad by feeding me lies about him. I didn't learn that they were lies until last year, when I unfogged myself.  She would leave for whole weekends at a time without telling me where she was going or when she'd be back (pre cellphone times), and I felt safest when I was all alone. I still do.

Maybe it depends on the type of PD, or the overt/covert level of the person. For example my entire FOO is NC with her because she is so toxic. Are parents with covert narcissism, or BPD less malevolent at times?
« Last Edit: February 15, 2017, 05:06:34 PM by JusticeBeaver »
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randompanda

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Re: "good times" with PD FOO
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2017, 05:52:22 PM »
I'm right there with you.  The "good times"?  No, don't especially remember any, and my memory of my childhood is crystal clear, so it's not like I forgot or are repressing them.  The closest thing I had to "good times" in my childhood were the times when I was left alone in the house.  Even when I was a very small child, if they left me alone in the house to fend for myself for the day or night, I was in absolute heaven. 

My family is riddled with PDs, and the only time I ever felt safe and content was when they left me alone.  As soon as I would hear the front door being unlocked by one of them, my stomach would drop and I would immediately guard up.

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JusticeBeaver

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Re: "good times" with PD FOO
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2017, 12:16:19 AM »
My family is riddled with PDs, and the only time I ever felt safe and content was when they left me alone.  As soon as I would hear the front door being unlocked by one of them, my stomach would drop and I would immediately guard up.

I used to have the same dread when she came home. The weirdest part is I have the same dread around the time my fiance gets home from work every day, but he isn't abusive in the least. It's just like ingrained, I'm safe when I'm alone and as soon as someone comes home everything is going to turn bad.
Hes... it's... a crime fighting beaver.

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Inurdreams

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Re: "good times" with PD FOO
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2017, 10:52:56 AM »
My family is riddled with PDs, and the only time I ever felt safe and content was when they left me alone.  As soon as I would hear the front door being unlocked by one of them, my stomach would drop and I would immediately guard up.

I used to have the same dread when she came home. The weirdest part is I have the same dread around the time my fiance gets home from work every day, but he isn't abusive in the least. It's just like ingrained, I'm safe when I'm alone and as soon as someone comes home everything is going to turn bad.



Same here!  My brothers and I would scatter like rats, running into our rooms as soon as we heard or saw one of our parents' cars drive up, hiding in our rooms and trying to be as quiet as possible because we knew the "fun" was about to begin.

I felt the same way when I first married and my DH came home, even though, like JusticeBeaver said about her fiance, my DH has never been abusive.

Definitely, any good times we had was in the absence of our parents.
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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Houstorm

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Re: "good times" with PD FOO
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2017, 09:49:55 AM »
The happiest childhood memories for me are with my one awesome grandmother, in the country, in the farmhouse where she grew up.  She would take me and my cousin for the summer and it was the best.  Freedom. I strongly believe this grandmother was the true source of unconditional love in my childhood.  Without her, if I had been left around my parents, I would be a very messed up person.  ENdad was mostly absent, but there are a few happy memories with him.

What hit me thinking about your post is that my happy memories do not include my mom!  I believe she is a covert narc.  She wanted nothing to do with raising kids (said so, she considers it an unworthy job) and outsourced us to grandparents as much as possible until I was 11.

I have two memories only of my mom being genuinely (?) nice to me.  In 2nd grade or so, I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to wear a custom made brace for a year, which was made from a plaster cast of my torso.  It was strange to be naked around an orthopedic male doctor when I was so young for the fitting, but mom was there and she was for once really nice.

The other time she was really nice to me was after the birth of my second child.  I had severe nerve damage in my legs, couldn't walk for 6 days, was completely numb, then had to slowly rehab as the nerves returned.  Mom was helpful, did laundry, made sure I did the perscribed exercises, would hold the baby which I could not as I was at high risk for falling as the leg nerves would randomly shut off until they were healed.  At this time, mom also told me how traumatized she was when she gave birth to my daughter and me, and I was so touched and I thought we were truly connecting and sharing which never happens with her.

I was wrong about the connecting with mom part.  The reason she was nice to me these two times is because the circumstances made her flash back to her own painful memories and she was connecting to her old pain, not to me at all.  The plaster cast story reminded her of the plaster cast she had to wear from age 1-3(?) as she had a malformed hip and very traumatic early childhood memories of this.  The birth story again was a connection to her painful memory and it was cathartic for her to tell her story.

I am grateful for these memories and I am glad mom had an outlet for her trauma.  How I wish that she could have moved past this pain and truly connected with me, as I wished for all my life.  But that is not something she can do.  She loves to tell stories about herself, mostly praising stories of her accomplishments.  Though we were twice in similar situations, mom could still only remember her own experience and I was a great cathartic mirror for her.  She never saw me at all.  That is how she operates.  After her trips down memory lane, I went back to being dutiful daughter in her eyes and it was all about what can you do for me Houstorm?

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Nominuke

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Re: "good times" with PD FOO
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 06:49:02 AM »
This is an interesting point. Although I didn't have a terrible childhood I have hardly any memories of the "good times" when growing up. I spent most of my younger years being scared of my uNDad's bad moods and most of my teenage years arguing and trying to assert boundaries.

There are a few a good memories, none of which relate to my Dad, mostly they relate to my maternal grandparents. They all happened so long ago and so much bad has happened since that they are nearly impossible to remember now and they are way outbalanced by all the rubbish.

I mentioned that I couldn't remember any good times to my Mum once and she seemed genuinely shocked, so I asked her if she could remember anything herself and she replied that my Dad had always been very generous. I don't know if she misunderstood the question or just couldn't think of a good time, although I guess there must have been some they are erased from my memory. Perhaps I should try and erase the bad too.

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Newlife33

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Re: "good times" with PD FOO
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2017, 05:15:19 PM »
I've started to get a few good memories back.  But it was always the ones with my grandfather and mom, nobody else.  I was lucky to have two decent people in my life.  Mom was super depressed so we didn't really do much together besides watch Seinfeld and Arrested Development, but during those times I felt all the peace and love in the world.  And my grandfather was the only one who really took time out to throw the baseball or football around with me, I always appreciated that. 

But for the most part I can relate to hiding in the basement, hiding in my room or hiding in the forest backyard from everyone else.  From the jump I sort of new they were all full of shit, and I'm thankful I had my guard up from an early age.  It saved me from going to far down the rabbit hole and has allowed me to start building a life today that I enjoy AWAY from them.

Sending big hugs and love to you all :bighug:  here's hoping we can all make good times in our future that are real.