Need advice

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mamato3

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #20 on: April 14, 2017, 06:53:55 PM »
I'd put him on another team. Seriously.

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Medowynd

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #21 on: April 15, 2017, 02:26:53 AM »
It is time to either complain to a higher up or have someone else pass on the information to you.  Is there another parent that can pass on the information?  I would not be beholden to her.  What is she going to say when you start having the information that she denied you.  I am sure that the other parents are aware to those two PDs that you have to deal with.  I doubt that they can present a shiny face at all of those games. 

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2017, 08:04:33 PM »
Thanks, Bloomie and Bopper.  I like your suggestions,  Bopper.

I received a few of the common texts but she's reverted back to sending seperate ones.  I confirmed that with one of the other Mums.

She handed out Code of Conduct forms (for parents) to all families except me. I said I'd like to sign one. She said I didn't have to cos u/npd exH already has. Form says ALL parents and guardians are to sign. She said she'd give me one at pickup 2 days later. Guess what?  No sign of it. I printed one out from the website, took it to training and gave it to another parent to give to the Mum who's being team manager while NSmum is away this fortnight.

I spoke to the other parent. She's agreed to pass on texts to me. She also advised me to approach the committee.

I received a forwarded text from her this morning.  And no, NSmum (team manager) hadn't sent it to me.

I spoke to the committee secretary. She's going to send out communication to all team managers reminding them to text ALL parents on the lists, and she'll resend the lists. She's also going to remind them that ALL parents are to sign the Code of Conduct form.

It will be interesting to see what happens.  I doubt it will change things. But at least a few people are aware now.

Secretary also informed me that it had been requested that my details be removed from their file.

I made short work of that, giving her my preferred name and my preferred email address, both of which u/npd exH and NSmum refuse to use.

So we're trying to get NSmum to behave without directly accusing her. Not sure what to do if (when) she doesn't change her ways.

AOD

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mamato3

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #23 on: May 04, 2017, 06:28:32 PM »
I suppose, if you ever need to go back to court, having all those people know what she's doing might work in your favor. I still don't know how you do it. You are a strong Mama.

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #24 on: May 29, 2017, 09:32:00 AM »
Thanks, Mamato3.  I don't feel strong most of the time because I let Smum get away with so much. Ie:  in the interests of self protection I don't stand up for myself much.

Anyway. An update:

I have been thinking lately that she won't cope with handing over the role of team manager to go back to just being a supportive step parent.

She's more likely to take on the role of coach.

And wodoyuno?  Tonight she announces to ds she's going to join in with the training next week instead of just being an observer.

She's plotting.  She'll probably institute a role of "assistant coach".  Hopefully she'll overstep a few boundries and the coach and future team manager and even some parents may see her true colours.

A few years ago ds did a few sports at the gym where her sister works.  He now goes to her gp, her dentist,  her optometrist, and another sport run by her friend. All of them close to where she lives with ds's father (my u/npd exH), an hour's drive from where ds lives (with me).

And where is ds' s dad in all this?  Nowhere to be seen, in terms of organising and decision making.  It's all Smum, Smum, Smum.

Pleeeaase. Please may she be setting herself up for all to see what she's really like.

AOD

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #25 on: August 11, 2017, 12:38:08 PM »
Thought I'd check in.

Things are exactly the same.  I'm still receiving seperate, 3 word texts from NSmum, instead of the ones she sends to everyone else.

One other Mum knows and the secretary of the club knows. But there's nothing that can be done.   NSmum is sending me just enough info to be able to say she's doing her job.  And it's a voluntary position so how do you remove such a person from such a position?

I have said nothing more to NSmum about it as it will only fuel the fire and she won't change her ways.

This will end one day. Probably only when ds tires of playing the sport, which doesn't look to be any time soon.  But it will end.

For a time I had the other Mum forwarding the other parents' texts to me but I felt guilty about putting her in the middle so I asked her to stop.

I was hoping that by ignoring NSmum she'd start doing the right thing. How long does it take for pds to give up?

I think she must secretly like me. Why else would she allow me so much space in her head and extra attention through seperate texts?  :bigwink:

About 6 weeks ago I decided I'd thank her for the texts if they met 3 requirements:

They were the same as those sent to the other parents,  they didn't have a dig at me ("My lovely husband is scoring. ", " game is at [my suburb], my least favourite place in the world.", and if the texts came within  our curfew.

So far none of those criteria have been met.

I can't wait for this to be over. I pray again that someone else will take over the role....

AOD

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Kit99

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #26 on: August 17, 2017, 01:02:59 AM »
Ugh, what a piece of work. I would simply ask her to include you on the team communications "so she doesn't need to send you separate updates." Play to her ego and selfishness.

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #27 on: August 18, 2017, 01:17:41 PM »
Thanks, Kit99. But I don't think that would work.

The latest game she and my u/npd exH are playing is as follows:

For a few games now he has been sitting off to the side of the court taking photos of the kids with a very expensive looking long lense camera.

I thought it might have been for publicity purposes of the club.  But it seemed weird that he was doing it at so many games. I know that organisations are supposed to have the parents' permission to use photos in publicity material.  So I was expecting to soon hear that there had been a form distributed to all of the the other parents. I knew that the team manager (ds' s N Smum) wouldn't give me a copy even though she should.

Long story short:  I asked one of the Mums about it. She said he's taking photos for personal use and making them available to the parents on his Dropbox.

I'm not hugely interested in seeing the photos but do want to call him out on not letting me know.  How do I get access to his Dropbox?  Do I need to be invited to look at it?

Do I bother calling him out?

AOD

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #28 on: August 18, 2017, 02:10:18 PM »
Hi AoD,

I am so frustrated for you.  I think I've mentioned that my DSS had BM's BF as his coach, so we went through some of this nonsense as well. 

Maybe ask one of the other parents to send you the link to the dropbox, if you are comfortable doing that, and see if you can access it.  If they send it to all the other parents, no reason you can access it too (it IS your kid).  If you can't access it (quite likely depending on the program), you can decide if you want to straight up ask for it because you heard the other parents had received it and somehow you were left off that email.  If they say no- they expose themselves and save it for documentation for court.

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Diavore

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #29 on: August 18, 2017, 04:03:37 PM »
I totally understand this, completely get how other non victims of BPD people wouldn't and relate to your fear of looking like a petty drama queen (which is what the BPD wants) and worse...the fear of their retaliation.  I have found that many of those around our children (teachers, coaches, etc) have all seen the likes of our ex's many times over and can sniff them out in a heart beat.  My guess is that the step mom has stepped on more than a few toes in her reign as team whatever she is and there will be those who aren't the least bit surprised that youre having issue.

My advice, just as suggested by another earlier, is to treat it like you would any other person who seemed to be having trouble getting you information related to your childs activity.  Go above their head or to another parent but keep it short, simple and non-accusatory.  "For SOME REASON, I'm not getting all the information regarding the teams activities and although I don't attend every event, Id still like to be kept in the loop."  If possible, Id do it by email as most childrens organization have strict obligations regarding this type of thing and they may not be too happy to figure out that you are the only one not getting the info.

Hold your head high...high, high above that B%tch
.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2017, 05:25:02 PM »
Hi AoD,

I am thinking that the more official parent emails to compare against the 3 word texts sent to you would be nice to have for the next time you are in court (I think with PDs we all know there is always a next time).  There is no reason you are not copied, other than they are just flat out trying to make you crazy.  It's not like your messages include extra logistical information since you are parenting the same child.  Ugh- hang in there!

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Diavore

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #31 on: August 18, 2017, 06:02:05 PM »
Right! Its actually taking them MORE effort to keep you separate than to just add you to their already established distribution list.  Whats worse is I'm sure its all a part of their smear campaign to make you look uninterested in your childs activity.  I'll tell you what, I go to every single thing held on my parenting time or not. Even classmates birthday parties if held in a public place as its in my order that I can and I've met all the other parents anyway thru the multitude of volunteer work Ive done to ensure that I see my child every day of her life even when shes with the N.  No matter what he says/does, everyone sees my ACTIONS, most importantly my child.  I don't care what anyone thinks of me but my daughter.

I can think back at several people ive come across in life that remind me of your ex's new wife and a lot of those around them wanted to see them eat a dirt sandwich but never did anything about it cause their antics didn't directly effect them so everyone just talked about it behind their back while the queen bee waked around thinking they had a tribe of minions hanging on their every word.  Reminds me of that movie "Mean Girls." 

Watch it...picture her as "Regina" for a good laugh.  You deserve one.

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #32 on: August 19, 2017, 12:01:47 PM »
Thanks.

Yeah. Nah. She has them all fooled.

I asked another parent about the dropbox thing. I told her I hadn't received the email u/npd exH sent to all the parents about it and she said she'd send it to me.

In the meantime I've asked u/npd exH to forward me the email.  But of course I haven't had a response.

So I guess I'll report it to the secretary of the club. But again, there's nothing they can do.

I intend to tell ds too. He's of an age now that I can let him know a few things.

AOD

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bopper

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #33 on: August 28, 2017, 06:36:55 PM »
You seem to be trying to do this all by yourself. I think at this point I would ask for help far and wide.  Contact the league and ask the coach coordinator how to have the coach give you the same info as the other parents.  Talk to each of the parents and ask what info they get because you aren't being given any. Let everyone know what is happening.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #34 on: August 28, 2017, 07:15:52 PM »
I've thought of doing that. But pds are terrified of being exposed.  If I let everyone know, and ex and his Nwife find out, they'll likely remove Ds from the team.

Having said that though, the parent who has been helping me is not returning next season, I've just found out. So I'm going to have to ask someone else. Gradually more parents will find out.

Thanks.

AOD

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #35 on: September 18, 2017, 11:59:19 AM »
It was the award presentation night for the club tonight.  Nsmum made a display of herself and the coach showed that he has no clue of her true colours. 

I got talking to one of the mums and she mentioned an email the club had sent to her announcing a change of night for training. I hadn't received the email.  She kindly forwarded it to me.

It looks like Nsmum will not be team manager next season.
 :boogie: :fireworks: :banana: :banaaana: :chestbump: :cheer: :cascade: :groovey: :party: :uhhuh: :thewave: :woohoo: :fireworks:

I wonder what her next move will be...

AOD

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Whiteheron

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #36 on: September 18, 2017, 12:14:45 PM »
Great news AOD! :cheer:

I'm sure she'll find some other way to try to get under your skin.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #37 on: March 29, 2019, 07:41:06 PM »
So here we are, 18 months later.

UNPD exH moved ds12 to another club, in his suburb.

So ds has to travel for an hour and a half to 2 hours on a week night in order to attend training.  I don't take ds as it's on his time with his uNPD dad and I also work at that time.

The games are on the weekends when ds is with uNPD exH, so that's ok.  Although it means a huge chunk of time and travel for me if I attend games.

I attended a couple of games initially but stopped - not because of the travel. Because ds is very uncomfortable with me and his uNPD dad and/or uNPD smum being together. And because uNPD exH's aggression at mediation around that time caused me to think I should keep myself (and ds) safe by not attending the games.

So. Now uNPD smum is taking over the role of team manager and coach.

Amazingly she included me in a team email yesterday, including all of the emails of the other parents and having me within the list instead of as a cc.

So, everything she should do.

Methinks she's on her best behaviour because we're all heading to a court approved psychologist in a few weeks as uNPD exH is trying for custody.

The email was about a change of venue/day/time for training. Both options happen on ds's time with his uNPD dad so don't affect me much.  But one of them would mean he'd arrive back an hour later to my place than is currently agreed.

I really want to say that I should be able to have that extra hour elsewhere each week.

Logistically, me taking a reciprocal hour could only happen every fortnight, due to our current changeover arrangements.

Should I bother asking for it, or am I being petty?

I know exactly what uNPD exH's response will be. Do I really want the drama?

 And should I suggest my idea to ds?  He's likely to not want to come with me for the reciprocal hour.

AOD

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athene1399

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #38 on: April 04, 2019, 10:43:23 AM »
That is a tough question, AOD. I personally hate giving up the extra time, because I feel it ends up working out that they expect more extra time in the future. But if you ask for the time back to make it even out that will probably cause problems as well. It's probably one of those "pick and choose your battle" moments. Is it possible for them to get DS an hour later on their first night? Like if they pick him up on Friday, can they get him an hour later so it evens out? Or suggest that give you the extra time once the season is over so it evens out down the road?  I feel they are always messing with you or trying to screw with you. It's just so crappy and you never get a break. I am really sorry. :( It just feels like they try to make it all about them and what is best for them and they never take a second to think about you. Like now the games are closer to them. Just like with the school your ex is suggesting. DS lives with you so why would he go to a school so far away? Oh yeah... because uNPD dad lives across the street. I get so fired up just reading it. And you have every right to get upset at what they do to you. Just don't let it consume you. It's a lot to handle. BM gets me fired up too, but it's usually over something stupid. I just hate how people believe her BS. It sounds like you got that going on with SM. Like your afraid the other parents don't see it, or will think you are the bad guy. From what I've read about high conflict PDs and experienced with BM, their true colors show at some point. And we all believe you because we've been there.  Hang in there. One day you may be able to go NC with them (once DS is grown up). :) Then you won't have to deal with their BS anymore.

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Re: Need advice
« Reply #39 on: April 04, 2019, 06:24:18 PM »
Thanks, Athene.

Your suggestion about uNPD exH picking up ds an hour later is a good one.

I'm going to suggest it, since my first request has of course been refused with the usual diatribe.

His alternative suggestion is that ds stays with him on the night of the sport and he drives him to school the following morning. Getting up very early after what will likely be a late night at his place and commuting for an hour or so in peak hour traffic.

Yeah. Really in the best interests of ds (not)  and making things difficult for himself (lots of stressful traffic and getting to work late. No logic.)

The night also comes when ds is still recovering from the late nights he's had with his uNPD dad on the weekends....

And likely, they'll drop him to school late anyway or not until home time cos they hate the school...

AOD