Need advice

[Rose1]

They may dig themselves a nice hole. The sense of entitlement eventually bites them. So he misses a few school days, has to explain that to the court. Or gets sick of the whole travel thing.

[Associate of Daniel]

Yeah. Nah. Suggestion number 2 has been refused as well, with the standard diatribe.

Next?

I thought he'd be on his best behaviour since we're heading to court. Apparently he's not that sensible.

AOD

[Penny Lane]

My first thought was to just say, "no, he can't do the activity." It's your time, your ex scheduled an activity on it, he won't be flexible for you. But I don't think that's in your son's best interests.

What if you said, "I only agree to give up this parenting time if you find a way to make it up another time"? Of course, he could just say no, he is taking this time. And then you'd have to decide what to do.

Could you show up at the activity at the point where your parenting time is supposed to start? Inconvenient, yes, but it makes the point that your ex and his wife can't shut you out of your son's life, on your time. And it's a solution that doesn't require your ex to act appropriately.

I certainly think if he's just going to take your parenting time, you are within your rights to refuse to be flexible about giving it up in the future. But I know that doesn't feel like enough now.

Now that court is looming, too, you have to consider what a judge might think. If you go in guns blazing saying "you cannot have him for this time," I don't think that's going to look good. Much better to state your objections and point out that he's violating the parenting plan by scheduling things for your time. And ask him not to do something similar in the future without working it out with you first. And then hopefully bring it up in court.

All incredibly frustrating, I know.

We're dealing with a similar situation. The kids have a holiday with their dad coming up. BM is just saying, no, I won't let them be with you. (She explicitly says this is retaliation for saying he won't trade time with her when she goes out of town, which he is not required to do.) His options are to go back to court and ask the judge to force her to let him have the kids for this one day, call the police to be there during the handoff, or just live with it. None of those solutions are really acceptable. So I guess we just live with it. It really burns me up. But I'm trying for radical acceptance. This is the hardest thing she's done so far to just accept.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, Penny Lane.  I'm sorry for your situation.

I could turn up at training at the changeover time. But why should I travel an hour there and an hour back? It's uNPD exH's responsibility.

So, now uNPD exH says he's discussed it with ds12 and ds wants to stay with him on the training nights and have his uNPD dad drop him to school the following morning.  Of course ds says that. He's 12.

So ds would stay Friday and Saturday nights with UNPD dad, me on Sunday nights, uNPD dad on Monday nights then me Tues to Thurs before starting again. And have an hour's peak hour commute to school on  Tuesday morning, probably after yet another late night at his dad's on Monday nights. That's if he's taken to school...

Insanity.

If I say no, uNPD exH will tell me that I have to pick up ds from training.

I don't understand why he's being so manipulative and obviously not working in ds's best interests when we are essentially on our way to court.

Surely he can see this is not going to look good for him.

AOD

[hhaw]

I think the way you handle this will help the Judge SEE the PD is making insane arrangements in your son's life.

It's crazy to select a team sport with all that travel, IME.

Why couldn't they sign d up for the same sport near d's home?  Because PDs often create chaos, then hope to turn it to their advantage, IME.

They want custody.  Attaching D to a sport near the PD's home works for the PD's agenda.

That it's costing D sleep, and tiresome unnecessary time on the road SHOULD be something the PDs consider, but they don't.

I'm curious what the options near your home are.  Why did the PD not consider them?  You should have those options ready to present to the Judge to show the PD could have made more rational choices for his son.  SHOULD have made better choices for his son.

Judges like to see kids in activities.  They like to see all parents involved in getting the kids TO those activities, and participating.  They also like to see sound reasons behind the choices.

I don't like the idea of D spending those extra nights with the PDs.  I'd drive that extra bit, and DO SOMETHING AMAZING each night.... pick out carry out from d's favorite spot to share with you ON YOUR SIDE OF TOWN.

You have to remember your mission.   This trial will end.  DS will transfer his time to his peer group, and hopefully be less interested in parents, generally.

I'm sorry you're getting jerked around like this.

It does suck.

 

[Rose1]

I agree. Friday nights should be with his peer group at your place since he can't have Saturday. Tough after a work week but doable. I'd make sure his peer group comes from your side of town, not ex's. He's a bit young but it will happen in the next year or so anyway and better if they're not from some club miles away.

[not broken]

Penny Lane, I am really sorry to hear that they are using your son and his activity to play games with  you, and no doubt your son picks up on the stress of it.  I understand that coordination that goes in to a travel sport, both as a parent and a team manager.  My best advice to you is to try and switch your mindset from getting them to "follow the rules" or act as you would think the other parents would want.  I would change their game, to serve you, and as my mom always said, "kill them with kindness."  Addressing many of the issues like location, etc. will be tough to get the communication piece changed- and as you said will just create more circular conversations. 

I would forward one of her rude/short emails that you know she sends only to you at the last minute, to the ENTIRE team (parents and coaches) and suggest that they try a communication tool like Team Snap or WhatsApp. I don't know if you are familiar with any of these app, but I am, and have set them up for multiple travel teams for my daughter.  It won't matter if they actually switch and start using one of these, your point will be made to her.  Your forwarded email could say something like this:

Hi XXX,
I really appreciate your sending this, I am not sure why I did not get the original email or text.  Also, I can see how much time this takes of yours,  so I wanted to ask everyone what they thought of XXX Team using an app or online communication tool such as Team Snap or WhatsApp (they can be free depending on the level of functions we want).  I really think it would streamline the communication for updates, etc. and be a huge help to you, plus I don't know if you are familiar with Team Snap, but one of the things it does that is really great, is that you can send an urgent update, for times like this morning when there were changes or information to share so close to game or practice time, and it will send a text alert and an email simultaneously to the whole team.  I know that sending texts and updates can be time consuming for you, especially when it is at odd hours or last minute info due to weather, the other team or anything in between.

Also, the coaches can send notes to individuals or the whole team too very easily if they would like, plus it can track the availability of the players for practices and games.  This might be really useful for players to put notes in the schedule for when they have a school or family conflict, and the coach will be able to see who is missing beforehand to plan accordingly. 

I don't mean to overstep, I just thought this might be helpful for everyone, and something the coaches and parents may want to consider.   Thanks again for managing the team.

If you redirect your attention from the drama she is creating, to what YOU NEED TO MANAGE YOUR DAY TO DAY AND TO BE THERE FOR YOUR SON, the conversation quickly requires a solution. You can say that it is difficult to share information with multiple households for a child, and this also offers an archive of all messages that are sent.  So you can see if someone is being eliminated from the messages, plus it documents the whole schedule.  Honestly, it really is a helpful tool, her drama aside.   I don't know how old your son is, but it also is a tool to help with transitioning to independence for him- to know his OWN SCHEDULE.  He needs to feel in control of his activities and life- and I can speak from experience that this has been a huge problem for my daughter who plays sports with her NPD Dad (we are still together and I have been navigating this).  This manifested in some OCD behaviors for my daughter like not letting me put her window down in the car, putting a spoon away that I got for her breakfast and then getting it herself, etc. 

You will never find peace by playing her game, nor should you have to.  Focus on you, not her.  She and your ex may not subscribe to logical thinking or common sense, but the other parents will.  Good luck!

[not broken]

Associate of Danie, I am really sorry to hear that they are using your son and his activity to play games with  you, and no doubt your son picks up on the stress of it.  I understand that coordination that goes in to a travel sport, both as a parent and a team manager.  My best advice to you is to try and switch your mindset from getting them to "follow the rules" or act as you would think the other parents would want.  I would change their game, to serve you, and as my mom always said, "kill them with kindness."  Addressing many of the issues like location, etc. will be tough to get the communication piece changed- and as you said will just create more circular conversations. 

I would forward one of her rude/short emails that you know she sends only to you at the last minute, to the ENTIRE team (parents and coaches) and suggest that they try a communication tool like Team Snap or WhatsApp. I don't know if you are familiar with any of these app, but I am, and have set them up for multiple travel teams for my daughter.  It won't matter if they actually switch and start using one of these, your point will be made to her.  Your forwarded email could say something like this:

Hi XXX,
I really appreciate your sending this, I am not sure why I did not get the original email or text.  Also, I can see how much time this takes of yours,  so I wanted to ask everyone what they thought of XXX Team using an app or online communication tool such as Team Snap or WhatsApp (they can be free depending on the level of functions we want).  I really think it would streamline the communication for updates, etc. and be a huge help to you, plus I don't know if you are familiar with Team Snap, but one of the things it does that is really great, is that you can send an urgent update, for times like this morning when there were changes or information to share so close to game or practice time, and it will send a text alert and an email simultaneously to the whole team.  I know that sending texts and updates can be time consuming for you, especially when it is at odd hours or last minute info due to weather, the other team or anything in between.

Also, the coaches can send notes to individuals or the whole team too very easily if they would like, plus it can track the availability of the players for practices and games.  This might be really useful for players to put notes in the schedule for when they have a school or family conflict, and the coach will be able to see who is missing beforehand to plan accordingly. 

I don't mean to overstep, I just thought this might be helpful for everyone, and something the coaches and parents may want to consider.   Thanks again for managing the team.

If you redirect your attention from the drama she is creating, to what YOU NEED TO MANAGE YOUR DAY TO DAY AND TO BE THERE FOR YOUR SON, the conversation quickly requires a solution. You can say that it is difficult to share information with multiple households for a child, and this also offers an archive of all messages that are sent.  So you can see if someone is being eliminated from the messages, plus it documents the whole schedule.  Honestly, it really is a helpful tool, her drama aside, so it is a fair and logical solution.   I don't know how old your son is, but this also helped with transitioning to independence for my daughter around 13/14 years old- she desperately needed to feel in control of her activities and life- it became a  problem for my daughter who plays sports with her  and NPD Dad (we are still together and I have been navigating this).  This manifested in some OCD behaviors for my daughter like not letting me put her window down in the car, putting a spoon away that I got for her breakfast and then getting it herself, etc. 

IMO you will not find peace by playing her game, nor should you have to.  Focus on you, not her.  She and your ex may not subscribe to logical thinking or common sense, but you do as well as the other parents too.  Good luck!