4 months free

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Set Free

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4 months free
« on: February 21, 2017, 12:18:17 PM »
Not quite sure where to start since I lived in the fog for 27 years.  I grew up in a very loving family, excelled through college and then met him.  He was charming and I was extremely naive.  I felt hurt a lot but never understood why since I was given opposing messages all of the time.  It started before we were even married.  Strangely enough his mother (also NPD) and her sister were the ones to alert me to his "uniqueness." 

Shortly after our wedding I recognized that things just weren't right.  I immediately tried to self-diagnose which brought me to our need to "communicate" better.  After reading books, attending seminars by myself, and trying to implement what I'd learned, I shut down after his negative responses.  This pattern continued up until we separated 4 months ago:  I'd diagnose our problem, buy books, sign us up for seminars or counseling and see only little progress.  Finally, it hit me what was going on when my daughter's friend told a story about children of abuse and how it can take YEARS for them to trust and accept the love of adoptive parents who shower them with daily love and acceptance.  As she recounted the story I remembered a similar story about 2 little boys a friend of mine had adopted and although she and her husband showed these boys how much they loved them constantly, the parents would find moldy food hidden in the their backpacks or under their beds.  These little boys were accustom to finding food and shelter on their own b/c their mom was an addict and rarely present.  All of this hit me for the first time in a way that made me want to cry as I realized that I too could not trust just anyone (and especially my husband) just b/c he was now claiming that he was better and I just needed to give him time while he improved.  NO!  I was the one who needed the time.  He and I needed to be away from one another so he could get the help he needed without me being blamed for not trusting him.  I needed to heal myself and absolutely could not heal with him around.  He took the first step (without my prompting) and told his entire family that he was a verbal abuser (that's all we understood at the time).  I declared that for the first time in our 27 years, this time had to be about me!  Ha, what a laugh!  Telling 2 narcissists that they had to put me first was the most excruciating experience.  Neither my husband nor his mother (nor his siblings who had likewise been raised in this dysfunctional home) could make this time of healing about me.  So after a year, by the grace of God, he decided that I was indeed right and we should separate.  At that point I established a NO CONTACT rule for his family before I had read anything about this practice!!!  I proceeded to clear my schedule and concentrate on myself and my healing.  I purchased books to educate myself about my condition and spent a lot of time studying the Bible and praying.  I can say that the first month was the worst.  Realizing all I had been through was good b/c I was finally no longer confused about what my heart was telling me and what he was telling me.  I likewise, sought out counseling at a local battered women's shelter and found counseling for one of my children there as well.

For the first time in my life I am not sad.  I now understand what I've been through.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that I gave the best years of my life to someone who didn't know how to love me and produced 4 children with this man.  I still struggle with feeling like my life was a waste but God is revealing to me that He can re-write my story.  He can produce goodness out of my pain.  I realize that must happen later b/c I still have a lot of healing to do but just the knowledge of my wasted life being redeemed, brings me hope.

Thanks for letting me share.  I pray we, together can help educate this world so these types of people can be spotted early, before relationships are formed and dreams are shattered.  Together!

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Bloomie

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Re: 4 months free
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2017, 12:56:57 PM »
Set Free - welcome and thank you for sharing a bit of your awakening and healing journey so far. I am so thankful you have found freedom from abuse and validation that what you had become accustomed to was toxic to your very soul. You have found this community of wise and wonderful folks at a really great time in your recovery I am thinking.

There are tools and great info above for you to sort through and be enriched by. There are conversations taking place on the boards where you can enter in and share, ask questions, be encouraged and offer the same in return to others from your own wealth of knowledge and experiences.

Like you, I believe with all of my heart that beauty and value can come from the ashes of a relationship with a PD person. We can be both grieving and grateful for where life has taken us all at the same time. My hope is that your time here will be a great support to you and for peace and healing for you and your children in the coming months. I look forward to seeing you around the forum boards. So glad you are here! :hug:
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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coyote

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Re: 4 months free
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2017, 02:11:02 PM »
Set Free,
I can so relate to what you are saying. I spent 25 years with na uNPD and 2 kids. I divorced about 12 years ago and have nothing to show for the time. I feel like I am starting over and not at a good age to do so. However I have chosen to go forward life, enjoy where I am at now, and not look back. It's strange how this can work but with a lot of support here, and with the new tools I have learned it alls seems to be coming together. I hope this is the beginning of a new stage in your life also.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius