Your voice is important, your story has meaning.

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Malini

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Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« on: February 21, 2017, 01:19:12 PM »
I've been on this forum for about 4 years and am in a very different place than when I started. I, like many,  was a lurker before I plucked up enough courage to post.

I visit the boards which are relevant to my situation regularly and read the stories of those who post there.

So many of us post our stories after apologising in advance for the length of the story,
Apologising in advance for venting,
Apologising in advance for posting many posts,
Apologising and reassuring the readers in the middle of our posts that they don't have to read until the end
Thanking the readers that they did read until the end as if it was unexpected that someone would pay attention until the conclusion

Every time I read posts like this, I feel many emotions, sadness, anger, hope for something better.

Sadness because we don't believe that we have a right to tell our stories, we have kept quiet and suffered in silence or ignorance for many years.
Anger, because everybody has a right to tell their own story without guilt and without shame, but years of dealing with disordered people has made us feel as if we are not entitled to exist, even in our own stories
Hope for something better because I read the lurkers who start posting, who feel hopeless, who feel trapped, who feel like they will never move to a healthier place. Hope when I read them offer advice to other newcomers, even if they are unable to apply their own advice to their own lives, hope because so many of those lurkers, tentative posters, regular contributors are able to find a path OOTF and finally live their lives free from disorder and become the person, partner, parent, colleague, friend they wanted to be without knowing how.

None of us will ever know how our story or post has affected someone. For me, reading about other peoples stories made me feel less alone. Reassured me that I wasn't the crazy one. Lifted the shame that wasn't mine but which I carried with me for years without every being able to speak of it. So many stories to which I didn't always directly respond to but which touched me all the same, stories that gave me hope and strength to move forward. Stories where I learned so much about human resilience and bravery and felt empowered to keep on the path OOTF.

There is nothing to apologise for. There is no reason to take up the teeniest bit of space on this forum and hope no-one will call you out on it. Your voices are important and your story will always have a meaning for someone on this board .

"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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SmolderingDragon

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2017, 03:00:14 PM »
 :yeahthat:  :applause:

Well said, Malini! I lurked here a couple years before I got up the nerve to sign up last year. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't alone and wasn't  the only one with two disordered parents. It's still tough sometimes to post because I'm still trying to find my voice after a lifetime of being shut down by PDs, but I'm getting there. Thanks for posting this.  :)
"Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go." -- Mark Twain

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coyote

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2017, 03:44:40 PM »
Malain,
Lover your post. You are so right in that we never know how what we post may affect or helps someone else. Thank you
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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stasia

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2017, 04:13:39 PM »
Thank you for this reminder. I am an over-apologizer in general, and I admit I've felt bad about posting frequently here during hard times. But you're right, we have the right to tell our stories, and telling them can also help others.


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Zebrastriped

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2017, 08:42:21 PM »
Malini, thanks for the reassuring post.  This is a great place.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2017, 09:07:15 PM »
Well said, Malini.  :yeahthat:
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni

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sandpiper

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2017, 09:12:45 PM »
Malini, I needed to hear this today - thank you for posting this.
While I was recovering from C-PTSD, I read some research which said that PTSD sufferers who journaled & who wrote down the narrative of their story had much better recoveries than those that didn't process their trauma.
I'm sorry I don't have the link- but it actually showed up in brain imaging scans, that their limbic systems were recovering & they became much, much calmer.
So to what Malini has said, I want to add the caveat that finding your voice, and detailing your narrative, are a fundamental & in fact vital part of your recovery.
 :bighug: :bighug:

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daughter

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2017, 09:30:05 PM »
Oh, Malini, how true.  I still hear in my head NBM's warnings: "but don't you DARE tell!"

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all4peace

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2017, 11:42:04 PM »
My NM literally told us kids that her and my dad's repeated and violent separations from each other "wasn't our story to tell." When I tried to argue with her over things in life as a teenager, I was constantly told to "not say another word!!" and would get a week of chores for every word that came out of my mouth, or I would get slapped. Those stuck words became trapped rage inside of me. I'm now in my 40s and some of the feelings I have for my parents and DH's parents are finally, finally coming out. Even if they're not coming out in words TO them, they are coming out on this forum, to my DH, to a therapist, and sometimes just in the way I behave to our parents.

When we are not allowed to tell our truths in whatever way we need to tell them, it is so harmful to us.

Thank you so much for your kind and generous post!

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2017, 12:01:25 AM »
That was beautiful, Malini. I share your appreciation for those who summon the courage to divulge the, as my uBPDmom called it, "private family business." Like we were the mafia of crazy, LOL!  :stars: 

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broken

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2017, 05:25:02 AM »
Malini, you are a very talented writer! 

I've been here for about 3 years, posting for about 2.5.  I believe I am a completely different person from when I arrived. 

I was always made to feel insignificant.  My talents were different from hers, so they were not real.  When I spoke, I was ignored, unless I was saying something in agreement with her.  I was taught that I was a burden, who would want me, because I wasn't ""perfect" like her. 

From this I have trouble forming close relationships, because I am so insecure about how people view me.  Last night I left my oldest son's home, I was driving home worrying that him and his girlfriend think I'm stupid and disorganized because I was feeling a little overwhelmed from having a busy week.  My son!  But I caught myself, and told myself I don't need to be apologetic to my own son for being tired!    (Him & I have a terrific relationship.)   I've learned that here.  Many of my issues still exist, but I am realizing that I don't need to apologize for being me.   

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practical

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2017, 08:37:48 AM »
How beautifully written and deep from your heart. :hug:

I have learned so much from reading other peoples' stories, trying to walk in their shoes for a few feet when posting a reply and trying to write about my own story for people I have never met but feel a connection too, has often let to lightbulb moments, and so have the responses I have gotten. These many facets of being a member of OOTF continue to be an important part of my healing journey. I wouldn't be where I am now without everybody here.
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2017, 09:34:14 AM »
Thank you, what a beautiful post. This place allowed me to find my voice and helped to become and individual human. With a thankful heart I continue to walk my journey with my fellow travellers.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth,Gentle Boundaries,Emotional Healing blog

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SeaSalt

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2017, 12:09:20 PM »
Thank you very much Malini

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blacksheep7

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #14 on: February 22, 2017, 12:32:37 PM »
Malini,
Thank you for that inspiring post.
Yes, it does us good, to not feel alone because it could be heavy at times. 
 :hug:
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
 Maya Angelou

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Resilience1

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2017, 04:54:30 AM »
Thank you for that. I agonize and fret over posting here, until I just about explode in long drawn-out post. Then I worry and fret afterwards, sometimes for days. Did I say too much? Show too much vulnerability? Do I sound too judgmental, preachy, whiny...? Most of all I just hope that someone who needs it, reads it, and it helps them just a little. I don't know how many times I've come here frazzled from some traumatic interaction with one of my PDs and I get caught up in one of your threads. And it actually truly helps me. Even if I don't post a word. Just reading others tribulations, experiences and triumphs helps remind me of the things I already know.

The thing is, if we are all so downtrodden that we never raise our voices, then we create a vacuum in which everyone else is afraid to be vulnerable and alone.

Finding this site and the forum was  utterly serendipitous and I will forever be grateful for it. But mostly for people like you.
"People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls."

Carl Jung

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coyote

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2017, 11:26:41 AM »
Sometimes it is enough just to know we are not the only ones dealing with PDs. It can seem very lonely at times. Thank you again Malini. Very well put
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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mangywolf

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #17 on: February 23, 2017, 11:44:46 AM »
Well said, thank you. As someone who feels very sorry about sharing my thoughts and stories, this resonates. It's reassuring for all of us on this forum, I'm sure, to read words like these. Thanks again!

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WinterTrees

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #18 on: February 23, 2017, 02:15:34 PM »
Thank you for these words. I am always saying sorry, (or just not speaking at all) because I feel like a burden to pretty much everyone. Planning/trying/hoping to grow in this area as I get more and more OOTF.

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moglow

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Re: Your voice is important, your story has meaning.
« Reply #19 on: February 23, 2017, 02:29:11 PM »
Love love LOVE this!! Thank you for sharing, Malini!


Quote from: sandpiper
So to what Malini has said, I want to add the caveat that finding your voice, and detailing your narrative, are a fundamental & in fact vital part of your recovery.


That's so very true - holding it in and pushing it down kept me in denial and derailed my efforts for way too long.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.Ē  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!