"Man-Hating"

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KneeDeepinEggshells

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"Man-Hating"
« on: February 25, 2017, 12:23:13 AM »
My partner is genderqueer and super butch.  My partner also has a history of violent sexual assault by multiple men.  I try to understand these factors, but I can't help but notice that they are most judgmental of men.

For example, if I am driving, they will point out some subtle fashion crime committed by a man on the sidewalk.  Of course, I always miss it because I'm paying attention to the road.

Another example is that they feel strongly about women being abused by men (oblivious to their own identical behavior) but usually see men in the same situation as "babies" who need to "man up."

As a feminist, I find their attitude offensive.  I'm embarrassed by their sexist attitudes toward men.  I feel like their automatic suspicion of men is silly and myopic.  They actually have some insight into this (surprising!) but I still don't know what to do.

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Kore

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Re: "Man-Hating"
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2017, 03:23:40 AM »
I had that kind of experience with my ex. At first, it didn't seem offensive, just edgier than my own beliefs. I thought perhaps she had been out longer, or was more experienced as a lesbian. Although part of this could have been blindness from my being in "heat", it's also true she hid some of these attitudes (consciously or not).

However, in time her man-hating morphed, then started to spread to other areas - alternating from avoiding places that weren't explicitly gay friendly to any place that didn't meet her ever-shifting criteria of acceptability, being unable to stand the sight of newborn babies, wanting to not participate in giving out Hallowe'en candy because it was too heteronormative, kids wouldn't come to our home, etc., etc.

In a way, it was the how widespread her extreme beliefs were that first helped me see I was in trouble. Looking back, I am amazed I could see how these attitudes had a gaslighting effect. It was an enormous effort to leave and I still struggle with isolation.