Can anyone relate to any of this? BPD mother's effects on me as an adult

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jennsc85

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Stasia, that sounds exactly like my mother. There was a night about two weeks ago when she called me at 11:30 saying that she thought she was having a stroke. I recommended that she call an ambulance. She refused and said she couldn't afford it. I told her I'd be more than happy to send one to her house if she couldn't manage to call. She told me she wouldn't get in it! She wanted me to drive her. I feel like that was the end goal. After she was released from the ER she wanted me to stay with her for...get this...AT LEAST 12 HOURS!! I had gotten zero sleep, my H was waiting to go to work until I got home... the list goes on but it was just ridiculous! Finally she said that I was so unsupportive she'd rather me just leave. Next time if it's after 8 I'm not answering the phone and if it's before, I guess the ambulance will be sent her way (I Hope I still have this mind set next time it happens!)

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VividImagination

  • Fear is not real; it is a product of the thoughts you create. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice. - After Earth
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I'm not a medical professional, by I have my doubts that someone having a stroke would be in any shape to make a phone call. Heart attack, maybe...stroke? Doubt it.

Any sane person who is having a TRUE medical emergency is going to be scared out of their mind and isn't going to give a good hang how they get to the hospital - they will welcome an ambulance with open arms. A manipulator who is looking for attention will pick, choose, and make demands...big red flag that nothing's physically wrong.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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xredshoesx

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marking this thread-  you all just sparked a HUGE lightbulb for me with this discussion. 

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practical

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I can only write from my perspective, years ago I woke up in the middle of the night feeling that something was wrong, and if I wasn't going to go to the hospital, it wouldn't be good. It was like I was outside my body and it was scary and I still vividly remember it. I argued for a few minutes in my head about waking DH, and then we were on our way to the ER. In no way would I have called or argued with anybody about them needing to take me if DH wouldn't have been there or even considered calling anybody other than 911. The only reason we didn't do that was because we live so close to an ER, it was faster to just drive there then to wait for a dispatch - and it was good we went.

911 is also the only call you want to make with a stroke or heart ache because they can possibly start treatment while on their way to the hospital or at least inform the hospital what kind of emergency it is and to get ready. The hospital will call next of kin once the patient is admitted and if that is what the patient wants. Calling 911 is simply the correct procedure and the life-saving one.

Maybe it helps to live far away, this is something uPDf has never done, but neither of us could drive him, for us the drama starts with him being admitted or when they didn't want to keep him, because whatever was wrong, was the same thing as the last time.

So, you can simply fall back on "M, you have to call 911. It is the only proper way to handle a crisis like this. If they do admit you, I'll see whether I can come by."
« Last Edit: March 04, 2017, 12:59:38 PM by practical »
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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awakenedsoul

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I can definitely relate to this.  I remember walking around terrified that I would somehow set a bomb off with her.  She used shame and guilt to manipulate my dad, me and my sister.  I have always been a sensitive person so it worked really well on me. Even now at 36, I think of how she is going to judge every action I take. She is cold. She only cares about how what I do will make her look. She has always been that way.  She presents herself as so sweet to everyone except for those closest to her. I wish I knew how to stop craving love from her.  It is a painful wound. You are not alone.

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Zebrastriped

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jennsc85, WTG on turning the phone off.  Funny, how medical events get overblown.  I'm glad to have company sorting thru this stuff. 

SpringButterfly, thanks for the term "emotional flashback."  I have these whenever uBPDmom goes after dad, I just didn't know what to call them.  And VividImagination has explained my body's response without making me feel like a coward.  I'm the flee type.

This thread is just full of "aha" moments, so thanks everybody.

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rosalieaprile

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She is cold. She only cares about how what I do will make her look. She has always been that way.  She presents herself as so sweet to everyone except for those closest to her. I wish I knew how to stop craving love from her.  It is a painful wound. You are not alone.


I've been thinking about this thread on and off for a few days. One of my lightbulb moments came when I thought about something she did really recently before NC. I'm a trial lawyer, and I got a verdict that I was unhappy with and honestly pretty broken up about. EnDad called from the house to ask how I was doing. Vampira gets on the phone and ask me "did you do your best?" I replied of course I did. Her response "well then I did my job."  :wacko: At the time, which before I got Out of the FOG I still knew there was something not quite right with her response. Now I know its textbook narc.

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marizabet

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Something my mother in law observed is that I am kind of cold to my parents and vice versa. It is something I have been self conscious of but I do think part of it is how they raised me.

Even now it makes me sad that I cannot be warm and fuzzy with them and talk to them like some people talk to their parents. Sometimes my H or someone asks how my parents are doing. I don't know bc I don't ask bc I have an empathy problem especially with them.

I feel like I can relate to you I'm a few ways. It feels like my parents can be very fake and ignore me and my family while sugarcoating things to others about me. All I can do is try to be better for my FOC

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Shockwave

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There is a reason why you're cold.  They left you out in the cold for a very long time. The inner child knows that it should protect itself from harm.  That is nothing more than self preservation at work. 

When it comes to my uBPD/uNPD malignant mother,  who has invalidated me,  demeaned me and disrespected and double - crossed me more times than I care to remember, she's lucky I'm just cold most times.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight