when the hoovering could be usefull???

  • 6 Replies
  • 765 Views
*

confuzzled duck

  • New Member
  • *
  • 24
when the hoovering could be usefull???
« on: February 28, 2017, 02:52:20 PM »
Last week was my upd Nans 80th birthday, so I went to go for a meal with them. I have been LC with my pd foo for about 6 months and last saw all of them on xmas day.

Mostly was calm and even friendly chatter, and talk turned to my work. which is weekly/monthly costume contracts that sends Foo into panics about it not being a stable income, but I'm doing ok.
I told them I was fine, had enough on and had some extra alterations and a possible commission for a waistcoat to do as well. NPDmum leapt on this, "I loved doing alterations, made plenty of money from it." shortly followed by "I hated alterations, I'd always over charge so people wouldn't give me things"  :stars: and "oh, I have a pattern for a waistcoat somewhere you can have." Nan leapt on it too, "you need to make a buisness card and put it up at work so you can get more alteration work", "If you get enough work doing alterations you wouldnt have to worry about money all the time." ( I don't have to worry about money at all right now.)

Managed to change the subject and got though the meal unscathed. Then the hoovers start, first with an email from nan saying "how lovely it was that i could make time to come and see her on her birthday and shes wishes she could see me more often". Then messages from mum saying pretty much the same thing, I ignore them and get on with my life.

Fast forward to last weekend when I'm working away, mum messages to say shes found the waistcoat pattern and will post it though my door this week. I don't want her near my house, but then that gives her the perfect "i'm only trying to help" guilt trip if i say no.

Then today I get bombarded with phonecalls and messages about a commission for a friend of someone she knows. The commission is for may next year, so I'll have to turn it down as I have no idea where I'll be then. Had it been for this year I would have taken it.

But I wanted peoples thoughts what do you do when the hoovering has the potential to be useful.

*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 963
Re: when the hoovering could be usefull???
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2017, 03:33:34 PM »
Fast forward to last weekend when I'm working away, mum messages to say shes found the waistcoat pattern and will post it though my door this week. I don't want her near my house, but then that gives her the perfect "i'm only trying to help" guilt trip if i say no.
Then today I get bombarded with phonecalls and messages about a commission for a friend of someone she knows. The commission is for may next year, so I'll have to turn it down as I have no idea where I'll be then. Had it been for this year I would have taken it.
But I wanted peoples thoughts what do you do when the hoovering has the potential to be useful.

If it were me, I'd accept the waistcoat pattern and the commission for May with a "thank you very much" and leave it at that. Be vague if anything else is mentioned. If she specifically asks about the commission, you are going to reach out to the person soon.

If she's anything like my mom, she will have other things to deal with...her endless medical problems, rude people on the phone, terrible neighbors or someone looked at her the wrong way and will forget about you.

If you don't want to interact with your mum, perhaps ask her to drop off the pattern (you won't be home  :bigwink:) or ask her to mail it.

I've been using a lot of different tactics to spend the bare minimum of time with my uPDmom but still let her feel I'm half-way interested so the sh*t doesn't hit the fan. If she doesn't get some attention now and then ...  :mad:  :bawl: 

If you deal with this sort of thing also, maybe meet her for a quick cup at a coffee shop to get the pattern, then run!

*

daughterofbpd

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1219
Re: when the hoovering could be usefull???
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2017, 07:21:32 PM »
I think a polite thank you will suffice, you certainly don't owe anything more than that.

That reminds me, I've been thinking about how PDs can get all wrapped up in worrying about other people's problems sometimes and use it to shame you - make you feel like your work situation isn't any good, even though it is what is working for you right now. They have to try and make you feel inadequate for not having a more stable/reliable income source, even though you are totally handling it. It's nice that they want to help, in a way, but it's also a way to hoover you into other things. The potential commission wasn't that helpful to you because it is next year and you may not be interested in the waistcoat pattern. The next thing you know, you are being guilted into visiting more because they did so much for you (um, not really). That might not be the way your family works but it is how mine works.

Now that I think about it, my mom is always giving me second hand things and if I try to tell her I don't want or need them she just keeps on about how I do need X item and how it really isn't a bother and I should just take it. I usually end up taking the item and giving it to charity later just so I don't have to argue. So maybe I am the wrong person to give advice on this! haha.

I've been using a lot of different tactics to spend the bare minimum of time with my uPDmom but still let her feel I'm half-way interested so the sh*t doesn't hit the fan. If she doesn't get some attention now and then ...  :mad:  :bawl: 
SunnyMeadow - I almost started a topic on that. BPDm keeps hinting that she wants to go shopping or have lunch or some other "bonding" activity and I am wondering how long I can go on being "busy." I don't want to be mean or hurt her feelings, I just have zero interest in hanging out alone with her, it always leaves me so drained.
How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego
~ Amanda Torroni

*

SunnyMeadow

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 963
Re: when the hoovering could be usefull???
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2017, 10:42:42 AM »
I understand daughterofbpd!

In my situation, I still feel I have to hang out with my mom and I do! But I shorten the time and going to a public place works better for me. She is slightly better behaved in public. Oh, she doesn't mind bursting into tears if the server slights her or she brings up a family member who wronged her but it's short lived at a restaurant.

If you start that topic I will post in it!  :chestbump:

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7041
Re: when the hoovering could be usefull???
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2017, 10:58:51 AM »
Do you have a website, a blog or anything for your business? If so, tell your M to refer anybody to that information and contact you directly, this way you keep her out of it as much as you can. Or if you have business cards, give your M a bunch and tell her to give them to whoever is interested, and they should contact you directly. It cuts down on the drama and your M thinking you owe her.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

moglow

  • Retired Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 15810
  • >^..^<
Re: when the hoovering could be usefull???
« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2017, 03:20:12 PM »
A dear friend of years past was known to say "A Hoover doesn't work if you don't plug it in." It works both ways, in other words - it takes participation on your part.

This is definitely a situation when gray rock would be called for - short, unemotional, noncommittal answers. No details, no complaints, no exaltation of how great your business is - acknowledge and change the subject. Thank them for referral, and change the subject (or end the conversation).

They can't get involved without your assistance, in other words. If you choose to not take this or that job from someone they refer, not their business and I wouldn't entertain those discussions of why or why not.

Those referrals don't exist if the customers don't contact you directly. Yes, you follow up if you are asked to call, but that's where family's involvement ends. I wouldn't discuss anything further.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

*

stasia

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 756
Re: when the hoovering could be usefull???
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2017, 04:51:09 PM »
Then today I get bombarded with phonecalls and messages about a commission for a friend of someone she knows. The commission is for may next year, so I'll have to turn it down as I have no idea where I'll be then. Had it been for this year I would have taken it.

I have a creative side business that sometimes involves custom work. I know that I, personally, would not involve my M in my business if I could help it, as she would take over. I feel like it'd be like dealing with one of those super high-maintenance commission customers that we all get from time to time, x 100. No thank you! (Plus, then she'd just add "I found you some paying work" to the ever lengthening list of Stuff She Has Done for Me So Therefore She Deserves My Full Attention At All Times.)

I like practical's idea of giving M business cards or your website, and then have the customer contact you directly, rather than M being the middleman.