I just do not like my mom

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all4peace

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I just do not like my mom
« on: March 04, 2017, 11:22:49 PM »
It's been a while since I felt this badly towards my mom, but I've had to spent time with her approx 4 times in the last 1-2 months, and that is probably 3 times too many. Wow, I do not like that woman. In only a couple hours of interacting with her recently, she managed to:

*take a jab at my dear friend who is fighting cancer. The jab would indicate that my NM is likely facebook stalking someone who is her daughter's dear friend. She has never, ever asked me a single word about how my friend is doing, or acknowledged our friendship in any way. Just makes jabs to me and my SIL about my friend.
*invited my DD to a party without saying a word to me, and I was sitting right there. This is an event in which DH and I have always been included. Not this year.
*asked DD a number of questions that would typically be directed to an adult, and withheld conversation and eye contact in a way that made it fairly obvious I was not to feel included whatsoever in their conversation.
*when dad dropped her off at the restaurant, she went and got seated without waiting a few min for him to come in.
*when the waiter brought our menus, she immediately and instantly ordered, without even eye contact to see if anyone else was ready. We weren't ready. My childhood self nearly chose a dish at random so that I wouldn't make everyone wait, but adult me took a pause and told the waiter I wasn't ready yet.
*for my dear brother's bday, I was going to treat the family to dessert after my niece's school performance. Mom pushed to do it instead. My dad and SIL both told her that I was already planning on doing this for my brother's bday. She did it anyway.


Here are the overall dynamics in how my mom interacts with me:

-she loves it if I look bad, and is delighted if my kids ever tell parenting stories on me (mom was late picking me up!, for example). It is obvious that mom and I are NOT on the same team.
-if someone else is interested in my work, or something else about my life, she will sometimes physically step in between me and that person, or create a distraction, or perhaps look super bored and interrupt as soon as possible, or try to get others to talk about something else or physically leave the vicinity.
-she is hyperaware of my interactions with others. I think she's "on stage", putting on a great show as long as I'm quiet and observing. If I get attention or am animated in conversation, she shuts down to stop and stare/glare at me instead.
-she DOES NOT talk about or inquire about my life. She may ask about DH (he just had 2 surgeries) but would never acknowledge my part in it (loads of extra work, caretaking DH, etc).

Basically, she is entirely about what she wants, when she wants it. I do not matter. She does not like me, and she really doesn't even try to hide it. Wow, I do not like her at all. Time to have far less time with her again.

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practical

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2017, 11:43:43 PM »
Really sorry! These "little" jabs all add up to one big picture like in a mosaic, and it isn't good  :sadno: . If she wasn't your M I don't think you would spend any time with her, she certainly doesn't even fit the profile of what I would consider a good acquaintance never mind a friend or mother. Hope your DH is getting better and you take care of yourself as the caregiver too. This certainly wasn't what you needed. :hug:
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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VividImagination

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2017, 12:13:12 AM »
Sounds to me like your mother is in serious competition with you, stemming from jealousy.

There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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RemovingTheNoose

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2017, 03:12:20 AM »
I swear that all our N's get together and have secret meetings. Wordings and mannerisms and actions seem to be all too familiar when it comes to these people.

* If she likes someone's idea, it was always her idea OR is completely different (yeah, its not)
* No-ones pain is greater than her pains (you have a broken leg, her broken toe is worse)
* No-ones stress is worse than her stress
* If she is ready EVERYONE is ready (ready or not here I come   :tongue2: )
* If she is NOT ready then NOBODY is ready
* Everyone ALWAYS gets what they want but SHE never gets what she wants (hahahahaha    hehehehehehe ROFL!)
* 'I don't have time to wait for you! - Why can't you just wait for me? (and when we do wait, 'oh, you didn't have to wait for me')
* All the things I have done for you, you.can't.do.just.this.one.thing.for.me.
* The stare!  The last one I got from her she had her 'adored' brother sitting next to her so she couldn't do anything but STARE at me and I joked and laughed with my Uncle which made her madder (I could feel the hate from across the table) and then anytime I looked in her direction I didn't make eye contact I looked about 2 inches above her head and she was burning inside but there was nothing she could do or say because she is completely normal around my Aunt and Uncle. (but of course behind their backs she bitches TO ME about them)   :roll:
* Phonecalls. She will literally get cranky if you cough or sneeze whilst she is talking, you can actually hear the CatButtFace and the eyerolls because this is disrespectful to her and she will re-start her whole story deep breathing the whole time... WTF?!

AND this is just stuff in my adulthood, actually this is all just 2016...    :stars:


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* On a list of 35 Narcissistic Traits my NMother has 31, she would be so proud to have scored so highly *

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solongStockholm

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2017, 09:27:53 AM »
All4peace, I understand how this might feel. I experience this with my mom but not quite as intensely as these examples. It's deeply deeply hurtful to not have unconditional support (you deserve and SHOULD have) from your own mother. I'm really very sorry that this is the way it is for you.

After becoming a mother myself, it's almost as though I have a newfound keen perspective on what I didn't get. It also hurts deeply when I see other's suffering at the hand of a mother. This unconditional support/love is one of them and it pains me to hear you feel it too. You can share your successes here and will listen all day long if you'd like. ❤ :)

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rosalieaprile

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2017, 09:29:05 AM »
All of these stories describe narc mom to a t. I don't like her at all. She is an awful person. All of the jealousy and competition framed my life. As I put the peices of myself back together I realize how much of my personality she has tarnished with her evil. I get angry that I wasted so much of my life dealing with her. But more than anger I'm grateful I got out.  No one else has.

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all4peace

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2017, 09:52:29 AM »
I hope I'm not deluding myself when I say, she doesn't personally hurt me anymore. I watch her incredibly closely with my kids, but she just doesn't really reach me at all at this point. She just repulses me as a human. As a Christian, it's even more appalling. Her level of self absorption and the amount of energy she sucks out of a room to meet her own needs is just galling. I don't need her attention, her energy, her help, her anything. I really don't. But as a mother myself, something I consider to be the most sacred role a person could ever fill, she just appalls me.

She's not much better as a daughter. Some of the most uncomfortable moments I've spent with my mom have been with her family. She is so tactless and self absorbed. Sometimes she has good days and hours in which she is fun and enjoyable, but too often I just cringe. She treats her parents as burdens, but then gets jealous when my grandparents thankfully accept my help but not hers. When she insists on helping them, she is so bossy, demanding, critical, hyper. I just help them on their terms, however they want it done, when they want it done. She doesn't see how her way of interacting is hard for people to cope with.

This past year, she called her father to come pick her up at work (she had loaned her car out to someone else for the day). This is a man whose health is so bad that he is on dialysis and she had been pushing for him to get his license revoked. But, hey, when she needs a ride then none of that applies. It was 20 miles one way. When he brought her home, and he had to switch sides of the car again, he collapsed against the car and was trying to catch his balance. Finally he got back into the driver's seat and went home, where he would have to repeat the very dangerous task of leaving his car again. He is a HUGE fall risk, and it is very, very well known among the whole family. All this so mom could get home a couple hours earlier because she had "so much to get gone." Here's how demented it all is--she had NO IDEA while telling this story to me and my sister how much she was unmasking herself. There was a tiny detail in the story that she found hilarious, which is why she was telling us at all. Here's something terrifying: My sister didn't even notice how horrifying it was that my mom had my gpa do this. That's how used to her self absorption we are.

The week DH had his first surgery, she and dad EACH spent 20-30 hrs prepping a part of their property for a party for a bunch of 20-40 year olds (their ex-friend's kids and grandkids). Didn't even manage to call us that week and check in on DH. No meals, no help, no card, no gift. Nothing. My DH has been a very patient, kind and longsuffering SIL to them for 20+ years.

They don't call or text our kids at all anymore. Don't visit or initiate spending time. Don't offer to help like dad used to. Don't initiate texts or phone calls with me or DH.

Even though mom has always been in fierce competition with both her daughters, we had some "good" years in adulthood. I have always been able to handle mom in only small doses, but some times we enjoyed each other. As will be familiar with you all, this abruptly ended when I dared to question mom, set boundaries, and call her out on some bad behavior. Very carefully, very rarely and very gently. But you just do not mess with a narcissist.

I recently spent time with my mom, then I got a whole day with my daughter. The contrast is startling. There is absolutely nothing in me that envies my daughter. My daughter is beautiful, smart, funny, sassy, energetic, strong. I love that about her. It's not a reflection on me. Same with my son, I just love his uniqueness, his similarities. I love my kids, want to help them when they struggle, am so proud when they work hard, enjoy watching their friendships. There is absolutely nothing in DH or I that seems to envy, compete with or be threatened by our kids. It is just an absolutely foreign concept to me. Maybe we were trained too well in our childhoods to take a back seat and be an observer and admirer. Or maybe we're just normal parents.

If I were to meet my mom and she wasn't my mom, I'd move along very quickly. She doesn't embody anything that I admire. She has some superficial qualities that I can admire--energy, strength, determination. But the core of her has things that just repulse me--envy, competitiveness, meanness when threatened, self absorption, superiority, condescension.

Ugh. What would it be like to spend time with either set of parents and feel energized, uplifted, loved, at peace?
« Last Edit: March 05, 2017, 10:12:17 AM by all4peace »

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Miss Teri

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2017, 10:00:00 AM »
This topic almost made me laugh. It's such a taboo thing to say about one's parents. Yet we who have narcissists for parents have felt this way for a long time, even it we don't admit it to ourselves. It took me coming Out of the FOG to actually say it out loud. I don't like my mother. Or my father. I actually wrote it down in a journal entry from last November. It took me a few minutes to find it, because I entitled the entry, "Finding Gratitude", wherein I was intentionally looking to refocus my life away from their toxic influence toward something better.  This is a quote from that entry:

"I would never treat anyone the way they've treated me. I don't understand why they treat people the way they do. I don't even want to understand. I don't want to be like them and never did. I don't ever want to make someone feel the way they've made me feel - like a ghost, like I don't matter. It's as though they don't like me either. They can't even find ways to interact with me without making it all about themselves. If they were anyone else; if they didn't have a biological connection to me, I would want absolutely nothing to do with them. And what is this biological connection anyway? I didn't choose it. So I am not obligated to it. They certainly don't seem obligated to cultivate any kind of personal friendship with me as an individual."

I know how hard this is to admit. But sometimes people are truly unlikable. Sadly, some of us get stuck with those people as parents. It's the hand we're dealt, and there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. 

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all4peace

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2017, 10:08:36 AM »
Really sorry! These "little" jabs all add up to one big picture like in a mosaic, and it isn't good  :sadno: . If she wasn't your M I don't think you would spend any time with her, she certainly doesn't even fit the profile of what I would consider a good acquaintance never mind a friend or mother. Hope your DH is getting better and you take care of yourself as the caregiver too. This certainly wasn't what you needed. :hug:

Sometimes I weirdly envy those whose parents start hitting or screaming or doing something obviously outrageous. At this stage in our lives, both DH's and my parents excel at the covert behavior (my parents were physically abusive when I was a child, however). If you take ONE behavior, it's defensible perhaps or seems small, but when there's and endless drip of this it really starts to get a person down and make you feel toxic. DH is doing better :) Thanks for asking. I'm really just venting here. I'm not grieving or totally depleted, but it was a little shock to my system. I think I've been losing tolerance for PD behavior more all the time. Maybe I've hit my lifetime limit ;)

Sounds to me like your mother is in serious competition with you, stemming from jealousy.

Yes, but it's not like she wants me. She just wants to "win" EVERYTHING. She doesn't even really like me. When I'm being a great daughter and making her feel great (taking her out on her bday for the whole day, spending all Mother's Day weekend with her, calling her at least every 1-2 weeks, etc.) then she enjoys me. But now that I've started calling her out occasionally (cautiously and gently) and don't initiate as much contact, she's gone stone cold silent and angry/hateful/withholding. She doesn't want ME. She just wants everything--to be the best mom (without actually being that), to be the wittiest person in the room, to be the most admired grandma (while rarely initiating contact with her grandkids and treating their parents with barely disguised contempt), to be the most amazingly fit and healthy and strong person in her age category. She just wants to be incredibly amazing. And heaven help the person who steps accidentally into the lights that she feels should be focused on her.

I swear that all our N's get together and have secret meetings. Wordings and mannerisms and actions seem to be all too familiar when it comes to these people.

* If she likes someone's idea, it was always her idea OR is completely different (yeah, its not)
* No-ones pain is greater than her pains (you have a broken leg, her broken toe is worse)
* No-ones stress is worse than her stress
* If she is ready EVERYONE is ready (ready or not here I come   :tongue2: )
* If she is NOT ready then NOBODY is ready
* Everyone ALWAYS gets what they want but SHE never gets what she wants (hahahahaha    hehehehehehe ROFL!)
* 'I don't have time to wait for you! - Why can't you just wait for me? (and when we do wait, 'oh, you didn't have to wait for me')
* All the things I have done for you, you.can't.do.just.this.one.thing.for.me.
* The stare!  The last one I got from her she had her 'adored' brother sitting next to her so she couldn't do anything but STARE at me and I joked and laughed with my Uncle which made her madder (I could feel the hate from across the table) and then anytime I looked in her direction I didn't make eye contact I looked about 2 inches above her head and she was burning inside but there was nothing she could do or say because she is completely normal around my Aunt and Uncle. (but of course behind their backs she bitches TO ME about them)   :roll:
* Phonecalls. She will literally get cranky if you cough or sneeze whilst she is talking, you can actually hear the CatButtFace and the eyerolls because this is disrespectful to her and she will re-start her whole story deep breathing the whole time... WTF?!

AND this is just stuff in my adulthood, actually this is all just 2016...    :stars:

"The Stare" should have a TM symbol! Haha! I can just picture it. My DH refers to her "cold, beady-eyed stare." It's all she has to let me know how much she doesn't like me. I'm sorry your mom isn't one of the awesome ones, either.

All4peace, I understand how this might feel. I experience this with my mom but not quite as intensely as these examples. It's deeply deeply hurtful to not have unconditional support (you deserve and SHOULD have) from your own mother. I'm really very sorry that this is the way it is for you.

After becoming a mother myself, it's almost as though I have a newfound keen perspective on what I didn't get. It also hurts deeply when I see other's suffering at the hand of a mother. This unconditional support/love is one of them and it pains me to hear you feel it too. You can share your successes here and will listen all day long if you'd like. ❤ :)

What a gentle and compassionate post! I really don't feel much pain. I hope it's because I've been "getting over" my mother for a very, very long time now, and not that I've buried it and am deluding myself. Here's the thing: I don't require much oxygen from the room, I don't need a lot of admiration. I have been trained VERY well to not compete with my mom. I don't think I'm a competitive person. I don't need to have people telling me how good I'm doing, or how successful I've been at certain things. Sometimes it's nice to get a little feedback and validation, but that's not what sustains me in life. But the way my NM goes out of her way to NOT do that for her daughters is kind of breathtaking.

The part about becoming mothers ourselves really resonates with me. I had a lot of pain as I first began the journey of motherhood, as for the first time I was experiencing what I knew my mother had not been able to. When I felt the depth of love and fierce protectiveness and total devotion of a mother, it was a stab through my heart to remember what it had been like to be my mother's daughter. It was both deeply painful and very healing. It helped me realize that it really was all on her. No matter how challenging my kids were, that love in me didn't waver.

All of these stories describe narc mom to a t. I don't like her at all. She is an awful person. All of the jealousy and competition framed my life. As I put the peices of myself back together I realize how much of my personality she has tarnished with her evil. I get angry that I wasted so much of my life dealing with her. But more than anger I'm grateful I got out.  No one else has.

I'm so glad you got out also! Are you NC? Are you getting counseling to help reclaim yourself from what she damaged?

This topic almost made me laugh. It's such a taboo thing to say about one's parents. Yet we who have narcissists for parents have felt this way for a long time, even it we don't admit it to ourselves. It took me coming Out of the FOG to actually say it out loud. I don't like my mother. Or my father. I actually wrote it down in a journal entry from last November. It took me a few minutes to find it, because I entitled the entry, "Finding Gratitude", wherein I was intentionally looking to refocus my life away from their toxic influence toward something better.  This is a quote from that entry:

"I would never treat anyone the way they've treated me. I don't understand why they treat people the way they do. I don't even want to understand. I don't want to be like them and never did. I don't ever want to make someone feel the way they've made me feel - like a ghost, like I don't matter. It's as though they don't like me either. They can't even find ways to interact with me without making it all about themselves. If they were anyone else; if they didn't have a biological connection to me, I would want absolutely nothing to do with them. And what is this biological connection anyway? I didn't choose it. So I am not obligated to it. They certainly don't seem obligated to cultivate any kind of personal friendship with me as an individual."

I know how hard this is to admit. But sometimes people are truly unlikable. Sadly, some of us get stuck with those people as parents. It's the hand we're dealt, and there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. 

I love your journal entry! Yes, it is taboo, isn't it? I know my mom doesn't like me, either, and rarely has. I don't believe she would admit it :)

I don't know why, but it just felt important for me to say it out loud: I don't like my mom. She is not a nice person. She can be nice, when it suits her, to people who matter to her, on her own terms, for her own gains. And to me, that's not being truly nice. That's being manipulative.

It's such an interesting dynamic--this societal obligation to "blood relatives" or adoptive family that we wouldn't have to anyone else. I had the same feeling until the pain from it became so intense that I had to find a new way to look at these relationships. Now I just wish everyone could smile, shake hands, and part ways amicably, like a business interaction that went bad and needs to be ended. Our parents (Dh and mine) offer NOTHING of value to our lives at this point. They are a big emotional drain at times, fodder for marital conversation at others, but not loving, not supportive, not helpful. What a sad waste.

The only lesson I am trying to take from this is to learn all I can as a mother (and DH as a father) so that we are never in this situation with our own children. I want to be a positive presence in their lives until I'm gone!
« Last Edit: March 05, 2017, 10:16:35 AM by all4peace »

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wisingup

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2017, 02:58:54 PM »
So familiar.  In September, when my brother and I met to try to hash things out with mom, the first thing I said when we got back in the car to leave her house was "Wow, she does NOT like me."  She was so angry and so hostile toward me.  And so many times where she had misrepresented my intentions, like a time I had "stormed out of a restaurant."  I guarantee that I have never stormed out of restaurant in my life - it simply isn't in my nature to do such a thing and she doesn't know that about me.   My fairly mild and sensitive nature is somehow a rebuke to her.

And so how can you possibly like someone who does not like you?  Who seems to want nothing more than to make you feel bad, guilty, mean, cold?  Who instead of protecting your sensitivities, preys on them?    You truly can't - that would be a sign of Stockholm syndrome or something similar. 

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sweet1987

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2017, 03:46:15 PM »
I really know the feelings of too much contact, After 10 minutes with my mother today I already wanted to leave and realised I had to get though a few hours yet... I can really relate to the inappropriate conversations with children my mother does this all the time with my 2 year old. she mimics a baby voice and then talks about me or my partner to our son.. e.g today she said to 2 year old in a bay voice.. (I never got to hug you did, since that time you was running to me and your daddy pulled you away) which I can't recall and pretty sure never even happened.. I kind of fell for the bate and said when was that etc.. and ended up in a convo about it..

It seems really intentional like they just want to push all your buttons for a reaction, its so obvious but they deny it so easily..
Time away definitely helps to gather the mental stamina!


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Irish-Molly

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2017, 04:03:42 PM »
They never ask about our lives. I am sorry.   I understand :hug:

I don't like my mom and never have. Even when I was 12 years old she was strange. That's the age I remember thinking 'mom is strange' 

I'm over her now. I held out over 50 years for that mom who gave kisses, said I love you

The day (and it was just recently) I buried that hope I began to live

Anything now I write about her now there will be no pain

BIG HUG to you

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Fightsong

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2017, 05:46:34 AM »
Here in this place tabboos are broken like plates that smash and the hearts to  be mended.
I don't like mine either.
Though I've pretended I did. I feel the spikes come up all over my armor plating within seconds of even verbal contact.In fact even the thought of contact.
I liked her when I was tiny, and that causes me some pain these days, the dissonance between the two.
We are in good company here.

ps: looks like the mother's day card are in the shops again .....

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all4peace

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2017, 01:48:17 PM »
So familiar.  In September, when my brother and I met to try to hash things out with mom, the first thing I said when we got back in the car to leave her house was "Wow, she does NOT like me."  She was so angry and so hostile toward me.  And so many times where she had misrepresented my intentions, like a time I had "stormed out of a restaurant."  I guarantee that I have never stormed out of restaurant in my life - it simply isn't in my nature to do such a thing and she doesn't know that about me.   My fairly mild and sensitive nature is somehow a rebuke to her.

And so how can you possibly like someone who does not like you?  Who seems to want nothing more than to make you feel bad, guilty, mean, cold?  Who instead of protecting your sensitivities, preys on them?    You truly can't - that would be a sign of Stockholm syndrome or something similar.
Is your brother on the same page with you? Yeah, I hear you on the misrepresentation. My mom called me once outraged over a "nasty email" from me. First of all it was a text, and it literally said only "Please respond to my texts when it involves my kids." There is no back story, except for the fact that mom conveniently doesn't like to respond to my texts when she has my kids, despite being a phone fanatic who ALWAYS has it on her and reads texts as soon as they come in. My son was a new driver (only months) and had a several-hour trip to get to my mom and dad's, and I had texted her to let her know he was on his way. Two hours later, no response, so I sent that text to her. Since my mom is totally bizarro, she took it as an attack on her rather than seeing it as a mutual mother might, that I was a little worried and that I wanted the adult on the other end of his trip to be aware of when he should be arriving.

Anyway...my SIL tells me that I'm not good at hiding my feelings around my mom. Last time we were all together, I just wanted mom and dad to leave already. And apparently that's exactly what my face looked like. SIL suggested adult acting classes for me :D

Out of curiosity, does she suggest your brother is mean also, or just you?

I really know the feelings of too much contact, After 10 minutes with my mother today I already wanted to leave and realised I had to get though a few hours yet... I can really relate to the inappropriate conversations with children my mother does this all the time with my 2 year old. she mimics a baby voice and then talks about me or my partner to our son.. e.g today she said to 2 year old in a bay voice.. (I never got to hug you did, since that time you was running to me and your daddy pulled you away) which I can't recall and pretty sure never even happened.. I kind of fell for the bate and said when was that etc.. and ended up in a convo about it..

It seems really intentional like they just want to push all your buttons for a reaction, its so obvious but they deny it so easily..
Time away definitely helps to gather the mental stamina!

Oh, ick. That passive-aggressive speak-through-the-children crap. Thankfully my mom never did that. Instead she ONLY speaks to my children about things she should be saying to me, while withholding eye contact and not allowing me into the conversation. She's a real sweetie. Good luck to both of us ;)

They never ask about our lives. I am sorry.   I understand :hug:

I don't like my mom and never have. Even when I was 12 years old she was strange. That's the age I remember thinking 'mom is strange' 

I'm over her now. I held out over 50 years for that mom who gave kisses, said I love you

The day (and it was just recently) I buried that hope I began to live

Anything now I write about her now there will be no pain

BIG HUG to you

Irish-Molly, I'm sorry for you, too :( I understand the freedom in letting go of expectations. At this point, I feel more in observation mode and like I need to figure out what I can let her get away with in front of my kids, and what needs to be addressed. Hoping my new therapist is a genius in this stuff! I find it sad and interesting that mom expends so much energy in certain areas and not others. I don't at this moment feel sad that I don't have a mom, but I am more concerned about her influence and example to my kids. And sad for her that she's deteriorating as she gets older. And sad for my dad that he appears committed to swirling down the drain with her.

Here in this place tabboos are broken like plates that smash and the hearts to  be mended.
I don't like mine either.
Though I've pretended I did. I feel the spikes come up all over my armor plating within seconds of even verbal contact.In fact even the thought of contact.
I liked her when I was tiny, and that causes me some pain these days, the dissonance between the two.
We are in good company here.

ps: looks like the mother's day card are in the shops again .....

Oh, no, not mother's day! It's a tough time of year for many of us, I'm guessing. I wonder if your mom was better to you as a young child than an older child/adult. Or do you think it's that hard wiring we have to love those on whom we depend for life and care?

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unnamed

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2017, 02:55:26 PM »
-she loves it if I look bad, and is delighted if my kids ever tell parenting stories on me (mom was late picking me up!, for example). It is obvious that mom and I are NOT on the same team.
Basically, she is entirely about what she wants, when she wants it. I do not matter. She does not like me, and she really doesn't even try to hide it. Wow, I do not like her at all.
That’s why I made the decision to go NC [11 years and counting] — I realized that I just do not like my abusive-adoptive mother.  It got to the point that I couldn't stand to see her or hear the sound of her voice. 

I have a laundry list of reasons why I don’t like her. 

One of the biggest; after I became a mother myself, I started to see NM in a whole new way.  I loved my kids even before I gave birth to them, and I would do anything to protect them.  NM on the other hand, has made it her mission to destroy me…and my younger [homeless alcoholic] adoptive brother, who is now deceased as a result.

I have no memory of her hugging me, praising me, or saying she loves me.  But attack me verbally and spank the bejeezus out of me, NO PROBLEM!  She focused on keeping us down, not letting us get “big-headed,” [her words].  She pitted my brother and I against each other, making sure we grew up to hate one another.  She watched us fight [physically], then punished us for not getting along.  All the while, doing everything in her power to keep the drama/conflict going. 

There was a time when I loved NM.  But now, I think I misread "fear" for love.  I was terrified of being on my own, but also scared to death of the woman who adopted me.  NM raised me to respect my elder's [she's 40 years older than I am], told me it was my duty as a daughter to do as she said.  Growing up was extremely sad and confusing. 

I firmly believe that NM only wanted kids, because her siblings and so-called friends had kids.  We were just novelties to her [she never worked, she was always a full time homemaker], as she has an overwhelming sense of entitlement.

I could go on and on...

Long painful story short, after my brother died 6 years ago [and NM barely seemed to notice], one of her long time frenemie’s said to me, “God didn’t let your mother have her own babies, because she doesn’t know how to love.” 

Good to know, too bad the adoption agency never got the memo...

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almostthere

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Re: I just do not like my mom
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2017, 03:12:16 PM »
Fightsong:
Just the mention of mother's day cards gave me an instant pang of anxiety!  Luckily, I no longer participate in finding the just-right neutral card.