31 years with an uNPDh.

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noregrets

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31 years with an uNPDh.
« on: March 25, 2017, 11:24:29 AM »
I hate the subject line of this post because I don't want that fact to define me, but often it seems to.  I have been with my NPD, probably high functioning BPD, husband for 31 years, married for 25.  He moved out a year ago because I "just couldn't get over my anger," but has been trying to reconcile for the last several months.  What he really meant was that I wasn't willing to pretend that he had not cheated on me with prostitutes and others for years.  What he refuses to understand is that the reason I won't reconcile has nothing to do with the cheating, and everything to do with the anger and bullying and coercion he used, and still uses, to get his way.  This past Christmas morning, when I wouldn't agree to reconcile and/or have sex with him, he ended up screaming Fuck You! while sticking his middle finger in my face.  When I remind him of that now, he says that's because we were arguing, when actually I never raised my voice or spoke in anger at all that morning.  I was doing Medium Chill before I even knew that existed.

I only had my light bulb moment a few months ago about his NPD, and my new therapist believes he shows BPD tendencies also. I feel foolish that it took me so long to figure him out, since we often discussed his NPD mother.  I just thought he was bipolar, sex addicted, with major anger issues.

I am now focusing on drawing stronger personal boundaries, but that is made more difficult by the fact that we have two college aged children, and I am choosing to remain in business with my husband.   The financial incentives for us working together are very strong.  We both contribute things to our business, which we started 17 years ago, that would be very difficult to separate or for either of us start over without substantial penalty.  I tell myself that I have 31 years experience dealing with him and that I can handle it, hoping that is true.  My greatest desire is that he find someone else to marry fairly quickly, so that he will leave me alone.   Of course, that has potential pitfalls as well, and I worry about another person's influence on business decisions and personal decisions regarding our children.

I am very happy to have found this place, as it really helps to better understand and frame my experiences.  Just the other day, he got angry with me about a business matter and was screaming over the phone, telling me that that all I ever did was criticize him and he was never talking to me about that subject again.  An hour later, he called back and I answered because it was during business hours, and it was as if he had never been angry at all.  He was totally in love with me and asking when could we go on a date.  My brain was literally spinning, and I immediately got on this website and went through the top 100 traits list to remind myself of what I was really dealing with.

I am 52 years old and have been in a relationship with him my entire adult life.  I am taking back the rest of my life and am determined to live in relative peace.  I don't think I can ever be in a healthy relationship because of all the damage that has been done, so I am just trying to figure out what I want the rest of my life to look like.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2017, 06:16:33 PM by Latchkey »

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Ellie307

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Re: 31 years with an uNPDh.
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2017, 12:25:19 PM »
Welcome. You're in the right place. You never have to feel ashamed here. One of our wonderful moderators will chime in to officially welcome you with great advice. Keep your chin up, all is not lost.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2017, 06:16:54 PM by Latchkey »
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
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SeenTheLight

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Re: 31 years with an uNPDh.
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2017, 01:06:38 PM »
I'm with you, welcome to OOTF!

I too have only recently realized what I have been dealing with. I just thought, like you, that my uOCPD wife's behavior was normal. Maybe not completely normal, but at least within the normal range. And also like you, I have been with her for about 30 years. Don't feel bad about how long it took you to see the problem for what it is, just be glad you finally did. Everyone here is very helpful and understanding, and it's amazing that everyone's stories are so similar.

I just thought he was bipolar, sex addicted, with major anger issues.

Maybe that is all he is, but that fits right in with the definition of a personality disorder, doesn't it?

Again, welcome. I'm glad you're here.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2017, 06:21:51 PM by Latchkey »

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Latchkey

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Re: 31 years with an uNPDh.
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2017, 06:10:57 PM »
Hello and welcome!

I am glad you found us. I won't pretend it will be easy remaining in business with your N/BPD H but I understand why you are doing it. I would focus as  much as possible on shoring up the legal aspects of your business and protecting your investments. Have you spoken with any attorneys? I would get someone who is well experienced in Business, Real Estate, and Family Law to keep all the moving pieces together and  keep from distracting you while your ex is spinning between abuse and hoovers.

I have been married twice to men with PDs. I have two college age kids and another that is only in kindergarten. At least your college age kids are older and hopefully doing ok as they are out of the day to day drama if they are living away from home.

Please feel free to also start reading and posting below in Chosen, Separating and Divorcing, Co-Parenting, and Working on Us as you get settled in.

Best,
Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Rubytown

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Re: 31 years with an uNPDh.
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2017, 08:14:49 PM »
Hi Allison,

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the situation already and are pretty progressed in terms of dealing with your own feelings and hurt about the PD effects.  It also sounds like you are committed to having a better life and have a plan for that goal.  That's great!

I too am in business with my uNPDh.  It is like a double whammy.  It's bad enough being his spouse but to be a business partner as well is exhausting.  I have been able to take many steps to distance myself from the business and automate things as much as possible.  A year and a half ago, I was able to hire people to take my place in the field work (it's a landscaping business) so that has reduced our negative interactions significantly.  I have been amazed at how many things I have been able to separate or reduce interaction about.  Texting is a great tool for that too.  I can just text information only without all the circular conversations, etc.  It's gotten to the point where I could see myself pulling out completely, which I never thought possible before.  It has been a long difficult road though.  I suggest you look at all possible ways of reducing the entanglements financially and with the business even if you decide to keep working together.  Any reduction in exposure with a toxic person helps!

We have young children at home and I don't want to leave the marriage at this time.  My uPDSO is covert and has improved his behavior immensely after a separation in 2015.  So I definitely feel for you in how much time you have lost in the relationship.

Welcome, congratulations, and good luck!  Hope to see you around.

Ruby
Ellis Boy 'Red' Redding: "Hope is a dangerous thing my friend, it can kill a man..."
Andy Dufresne: [in letter to Red] "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
-The Shawshank Redemption

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flybluebirdfly

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Re: 31 years with an uNPDh.
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2017, 10:06:45 PM »
I just came across this and wonder for those in business with x/stbx bpdh hows that working for you?
Im somewhat entangled in this myself.

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Rubytown

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Re: 31 years with an uNPDh.
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2017, 06:17:55 PM »
Hello flybluebirdfly,

This year, I've finally made a full break with my uNPDh's business.  It is the best decision I have made in the relationship so far.  I am so glad I took the painful, difficult steps necessary to get out of the business and will never go back!  I started with baby steps, reducing hours, then hiring someone for field work (landscaping business), then I went to texting instead of talking about business issues, finally I found a business accountant to do payroll and the major tax prep!  Now I'm working full-time in my own field (education and counseling) and am very happy with this change.

It is not right for everyone to stop the business interactions, and it may not be the right time, even if you ultimately get that disentangled.  I know I was aware I needed to get that distance for a couple of years before I was able to get everything lined up and ease myself out of the codependent tendencies driving my involvement.

But that's my experience.  It's literally been like getting out of jail for me. :-)

Ruby
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Ellis Boy 'Red' Redding: "Hope is a dangerous thing my friend, it can kill a man..."
Andy Dufresne: [in letter to Red] "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
-The Shawshank Redemption