Rediscovering Me

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ClearDays

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Rediscovering Me
« on: March 26, 2017, 03:02:38 PM »
When I was 20, I knew who I was.  I had strong opinions, a sense of purpose in life, and most importantly, joy at being alive.  Now, 40 plus years later and abuse free for almost a year, I feel 20 again.   My opinions and my sense of self are slowly coming back, as is the joy in my life.  I no longer walk on eggshells.   I have fewer and fewer conversations in my head with my uNPD ex husband these days and I've come to realize that there is nothing I could have or should have said or done that would have made my ex husband change.  After all, I tried for 40 plus years.  What, at this point has been left unsaid?  Nothing.  My mind these days is less focused on him and more focused on what makes me happy.

I filed for divorce  and left my uNPD in June when I'd finally had enough of being demeaned and belittled and controlled through verbal abuse and physical intimidation.  For the longest time, I thought this person I'd married was just angry and stressed.  I thought he could change; surely he knew that change was needed when he'd see the woman he loved crying and cringing from him in fear of his anger.  I didn't see my marriage as abusive; I saw my ex as angry and stressed and taking it out on me.  Surely when the kids were grown, or he was retired, or when he no longer had any stress, life would be better.  In June, I realized that nothing was going to make any of this better; he was always going to be abusive and I was always going to be abused for as long as I chose to stick around and put up with the abuse.   He'd never change and if I wanted something different, the change would have to come from me.

I've been out of my marriage for almost a year and while I struggle daily with emotions and thoughts of what could have been "if only", I'm healthier mentally, physically, and emotionally.   For the longest time I couldn't figure out what to do with all the silence in my life.  I'd ask people if they could hear the silence.  For me it was awe inspiring.  To have that much silence in my life made me smile.  The lack of daily drama took longer to come to terms with;  I found myself twitchy and on edge, waiting for the next crisis.  I still have severe physical and emotional reactions at even the thought of having to interact with my ex.

I'm working on letting things go.   What he thinks of me.  Whether he ever loved me.  Why he abused me.  None of it really matters.  At this point in my life, I'm working on remembering that there is nothing I owe my ex and there is nothing he has that I want or need.   Each day is a step forward.

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xredshoesx

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Re: Rediscovering Me
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2017, 05:44:51 PM »
welcome to the forum clear days,

you have done the lion's share of the work in getting your heart and head wrapped around what you wanted your new life to look like as you made tentative steps forward after the end of your marriage  it sounds like you have done a lot of self care and self reflection to get to this point, and i know you sharing your journey with others will help get them on their own paths away from the abusive relationships they are trying to exit.\

as you continue to heal and process the things that happened during your marriage, you may find the following parts of the forum helpful.  i totally get what you mean about feeling freed from having that voice in your head- i've been working for close to 8 years on erasing the voice of my nPD biological mother and it's such a good feeling to not have her taking up space in my head anymore.  i truly do feel like i've had a rebirth, like a phoenix rising from the flames, and am enjoying my own second chance to be happy on my own terms.

as you explore the forum, these are some good places to check out-

working on us is a great place to reflect on your own growth and your continued plans for self-improvement.
Working On Us

as you work through the lingering emotions from the end of your marriage/ divorce, both the chosen section and the separating/ divorcing section may help you tie up loose ends and heal old wounds.

Chosen Relationships
Separating and Divorcing

please do check out the toolbox as well.  if you have to deal with your ex at any time, there are good tips in there to minimize conflict if you do need to be at a function together, court, etc.

Toolbox     

hope to see you on the boards soon-