How to handle a wedding?

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PearlBailey

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How to handle a wedding?
« on: March 22, 2017, 02:31:51 PM »
Looking for advice from anyone who married a spouse who shared a child with a PD ex.

I'm getting married in a few months, and as it gets closer (and as I predicted), things with my SS6's uBPD bio-mom are spinning out of control. We had not hidden our engagement from our SS, but when she found out she went on a rampage. We have our SS every other weekend, and have tried to limit talks about the wedding while around him, but people mean well so he's heard words like 'honeymoon' and 'wedding'. Since my fiancees ex also interrogates him after every visit, it took about an hour from drop off until the texts started flying (they have a court order forbidding phone contact).

She first tells my fiancee she can't believe he's going through with a wedding he doesn't even want, b/c he's still in love with her.  Then of course proceeds to forbid that our SS have any part in the wedding, and demands to know when the date is. Thankfully, my fiancee is good with boundaries and simply ignored it all, but I know this will fuel her fire more to dig and find out. No matter what we do I can't control what everyone does or says around SS, so odds are he will find something and report it back to her, or she'll simply find someone who knows the information.

At this point I'm torn with how to handle the situation. We have our SS for visitation the weekend of the wedding, and of course there's nothing she can really do to stop us from including him if we have him. But if she manages to find out when or where, I can totally envision her denying visitation (probably the least intrusive reaction) or showing up to make a scene, demand her son back, blah blah blah (most intrusive).

I know my fiancee wants his son to be there, but I am also worried about the impact to my SS. First, we haven't been able to talk about the actual event much because of his mother, so while he knows we are getting married, it will kind of be a surprise for him the day of. He's an anxious kid to begin with b/c of what he deals with, so I don't want to overwhelm him. We aren't planning to have him do anything so as to not be pressured, but even just being around hundreds of people unexpectedly can be overwhelming I'm sure. Even if we are successful in keeping him for the day and getting through without her interference, I worry about the rage she may take out on him when he reports back we got married.

I also, I guess selfishly, don't want to have to worry about her interfering with the wedding day. Harassing my fiancee, harassing his family members (which she does on a routine basis), harassing friends, showing up at someones house in the morning, showing up the event itself...it would be a load off to not have that thought swirling in the back of my mind all day. I feel like I won't completely be able to relax as I'll be scanning the room, checking the entrances, etc. all day just in case. I would be so embarrassed to have to call the police at my wedding.  :-[

On the other hand I understand my fiance's feelings, which are that we shouldn't limit our lives because of SS's mother's antics. Which in most other cases I'm 100% in agreement with, but this one - I don't know - I'm struggling with what's best or the right answer for everyone.

Anyone gone through this? Any ideas or advice?

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Stepping lightly

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Re: How to handle a wedding?
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2017, 02:58:27 PM »
Hi Pearl,

I went through this a few years ago- nothing like planning around a PD on top of planning a wedding/life together!  We talked to the kids about the wedding, but we didn't give them details on where/exact date until very close to the date.  We also planned the wedding almost 2 hours away, so that if BM just "showed up" it would be obviously intentional and my family and DH's family were ready to deal with it.

The other thing we did was get married on a Sunday, so the rehearsal dinner was on a Saturday.  This gave us time from the Friday exchange time to deal with any curve balls she would try to throw at us (i.e. not bringing the kids back).  I was worried that she would do something that would land one of the kids in the hospital..and that would have really been a problem (actually I worry about this before every vacation as well..or that she'll run them down so badly they get sick).

I remember my heart skipping a beat when DSD said "Mom needs to know when my dress will be ready and where it is".  I said, "Don't worry about it, I've got it taken care of"- which satisfied her...but sheesh...a missing dress would have been awful.

There is very little you can do to manage the rage she will have when he goes back to her, this is something we all have to get used to.  Being a part of your wedding will probably be one of the most important and special days in his life.  My SKs LOVED our wedding- they were surrounded by loving family and friends and had the time of their lives.  DSD had repercussions afterwards for wearing a small bit of makeup and what she squealed about being "HEELS" (check David's Bridal for flower girl shoes to see the horribly huge heel I let her wear :-)) Poor DSD  (and me) was reprimanded by BM, after I'm sure she excitedly told her all about it.

Ultimately, the best advice I can give you- It's you and your fiance's day...not BM's.  We made a rule that her name would not pass our lips the day of our wedding.  You can control what she might do- but if showed up I wouldn't hesitate to call the police.  I think chances are small that she'll show up where you are, the consequences are too great.  It's up to you not to let her ruin your day- the more you worry about it, the more she's won.  Don't give her that prize.

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Latchkey

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Re: How to handle a wedding?
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2017, 06:36:32 PM »
I went through this in my second marriage. We thought my SS9 would stand up and say he opposed the wedding like they do in those crazy romantic movies or soap operas where the lover of the bride comes forward etc etc. It was a very small service but I was a wreck with worry. It all went off ok. BPD Bio Mom left town for 2 weeks around the marriage thankfully.

I think involving your SS6 and using his grandparents or aunts, uncles and cousins to shield and distract is best. I had kids of my own and so the 5 kids and their 2 cousins-- all under 10 were part of the service just at the beginning and walked in together. My oldest daughter who was 10 played a song with my father as part of the service but she was fine with our marriage. If you can somehow involve him and make him feel special but not single him out as ring bearer or anything that is what I would recommend. Maybe a special button on his lapel or something.

You can't be sure what the ex will do but being cautious is important. Having a couple folks aware and able to run interference may be needed if his ex is known to do public displays of aggression. If she isn't then likely it will be more talk than action.

((In full disclosure--- I've since divorced my H2 as I realized he was NPD/ASPD but in this case he was acting as a NON dad with a BPD exW. I've also since talked to the BPD exW as she eventually calmed down after like 6 years of really tough nonsense--- and she told me NPD ex told her he was getting married to me at a kid exchange and whispered in her ear "I am marrying Latchkey and you will be replaced" .... So, given that I can see how BPD ex might have been a bit angry.  :wacko:))
« Last Edit: March 25, 2017, 06:44:55 PM by Latchkey »
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