On dropping the rope

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Fightsong

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On dropping the rope
« on: March 15, 2017, 01:27:44 PM »
I asked myself can I feel her at the end of the rope I am clinging on to? I replied. "No".

 I told myself -  you shouldn't and don't need to  tell or ask someone to hold the rope. They either have it or they don't .  Why are you still holding it?

I watched myself process this and feel it. And a bit of my heart broke. Another bit. I am making ready to be brave enough to drop the rope. And I'm wishing this wasn't so cyclical and so painful. And I am thankful each time I come round this way that I can see a bit clearer. And feel a little more.


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bohemian butterfly

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2017, 01:38:46 PM »
You are safe here!

You are safe and you no longer need that rope.

You are NOT alone and I TOTALLY understand that rope/that umbilical cord.

But you are NOT alone even if you let that rope (your mother) go.

I oftentimes envision myself cutting the energetic umbilical cord that my mother has wrapped around my throat, my heart and my soul (she has engulfed me!)   Some days I imagine me cutting that rope with a sharp pair of scissors and the cord flies away, other days I feel her trying to rope me back up. 

Every day will get easier and please know, others understand that rope!!!   

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Bloomie

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2017, 08:02:09 PM »
Fightsong - this question:
Quote
Why are you still holding it?
cuts right to the heart of it. Poignant and most likely the answer is different for each of us to some degree. :hug:

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moglow

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2017, 09:04:39 PM »
I've fought that one many times myself, and I feel your pain. It's hard to drop it, even knowing that you may well be the only one holding on. Intermittent reinforcement made me believe my rope was real and attainable, something worth holding on to. My reality was ... Something else.


Wishing you peace. You'll get there when you're ready, and we'll be here on the journey with you.  :hug:
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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practical

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2017, 10:36:06 PM »
I'm struggling with the cyclical nature of coming OOTF too, for me it is the grieving that runs parallel to dropping the rope.

You know how in a snail shell it goes around and around but the channel gets thinner and thinner towards the center? Think of the rope like that, every time you come around it is thinner and ultimately it will disappear, you'll have dropped it and have reached your inner center.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Fightsong

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2017, 06:25:09 AM »
Practical  :  :) I love that snail shell thing you did there. Each time. It gets smaller til it's disappeared! And you find your inner self !!!!

Bloomie - I know it. And the why is the crux and whatever it is it's what we all fear facing,  it's the driver. It's very deep isn't it?

Thanks everyone.

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Fightsong

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2017, 09:49:46 AM »
 If i look back the last few months what can I see?  She figures less and less on my horizon. She still occupies a lot of my thoughts and feelings but there are times i just don't think of her! Imagine that! Space is opening, and that space isn't tinged with guilt anymore. Well maybe tinged but not drenched.  She is loosing her grip as I am gaining strength. It is, as promised, happening! I have a life to make my own. I have, truly no responsibility to her. I am me and she can take me as she finds me, or not. Her choice. But I am stopping throwing myself at her feet. I am stopping handing her the rope.I can still see it on the ground but... I don't think I'm holding it now? Can it be? What happens next? My inner children are by my side, talking, laughing, sharing painful and embarrassing thoughts , feelings and memories. We are discussing them with love, honesty and humor. I am parented. finally I am beginning to parent myself.  I can be. Free. Yes it's true - sometimes you don't know how toxic someone is til you breathe the fresh air. Then the memory of the toxic air is all it takes to make you sick.  Thank goodness for these moments for they fuel the painstaking process on onward growth.

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ernamoyer

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2017, 10:17:18 AM »
I envision myself walking around a circle/pit.
the circle is a pit filled with muck and swamp
in the middle of the muck/ swamp is my parents and my goldenchild NS
they reach out of the muck / swamp to grab me and pull me in once in awhile.
I just keep walking around it just out of reach.
some day I may walk away from this pit all together. 
kind of like letting go of the rope.

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bopper

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2017, 03:44:51 PM »
I think before you didn't even know you were attached to a rope.  They pulled and you followed.

Now you realize you are holding on.  You notice that when they pull, you seem to follow.

And you ask yourself...do I want to go that way? Is that the best way for me?

Then you started pulling back on your end...and they pulled back harder.

Then the rope got smaller and smaller..merely a thread.

Then you let go.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Fightsong

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Re: On dropping the rope
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2017, 05:42:47 PM »
 :) bopper. Thanks for that! Its like you know the rope trick too 😉. Much appreciated reading your response. It speaks.  And yes I didn't know. Unimaginable once you see it to think you were once controlled by invisible ropes! But ones you kinda did hold onto. For dear life. Not really knowing.