How to respond to text received today from NF

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AdultChildinthefog

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How to respond to text received today from NF
« on: March 28, 2017, 01:26:01 PM »
I'm still learning how to respond in ways most beneficial to reducing drama related to my uBPD M and uNF.  They live about 2 hours away from me and were scheduled to be in town for a separate business matter and kept promising one of my younger kids that they would come to visit to celebrate their birthday.  Received a text today that basically stated "I'm sorry we won't be able to make it.  We had to reschedule our business matter because we have an immediate crisis we need to deal with.  Sorry to disappoint grandchild but we have no choice"

My parents have been in financial "crisis" mode for over 3 years now, and everything else in their life is a "crisis" as well.  So my question is if I were responding to anyone else, I would text back how sorry I am to hear there is a problem,  my deep concern and is there any way I can help. But that kind of response here would seem to just feed their ongoing "crisis", Am I correct on this?  )I still feel bad like I'm an uncaring person.  but that's what they trained me to feel, I guess)  Suggestions on a neutral way to respond without feeding this?
« Last Edit: March 28, 2017, 01:54:02 PM by Daughterinthefog »

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Blueskies

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2017, 01:49:33 PM »
How about 'Ok, thanks for letting me know'?

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Afterthefox

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2017, 02:03:51 PM »
When communicating with a PD, always set the tone yourself. Keep it civil, moderate and reasonable.

'Thanks for letting me know.'
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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AdultChildinthefog

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2017, 02:15:48 PM »
When communicating with a PD, always set the tone yourself. Keep it civil, moderate and reasonable.

'Thanks for letting me know.'

Thank you, reading the responses makes me feel so foolish.  However it helps to hear from others that it is ok to just respond with "ok thanks for letting me know"  and not going into care taker role.  I feel like I'm always criticized for my actions and my internal compass is so off because of this that I need reassurance.

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looloo

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2017, 02:34:20 PM »
My MC standby phrase is "no worries." 
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Afterthefox

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2017, 02:41:44 PM »
It is so very confusing communicating with people who are not reciprocal and have a disordered view on how to relate to people.

My own father has always existed in, and projected onto others, a constant state of crisis, often as a method of subjugation. Sometimes it was a genuine nervous crisis, a symptom of the deep inner conflict that is part of his condition. But either way, I learned that regardless of how I behaved, it would continue to be so, and the bottom line is it's not my responsibility.

There is a wealth of advice on this site that offers an awareness of these conditions and helps to develop a healthy approach to your relationships.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2017, 02:44:18 PM by Afterthefox »
"Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts

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bopper

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2017, 03:23:16 PM »
Re: Crisises

1)On etiquettehell.com i saw something insightful:

Quote
I do have two pieces of perspective to reinforce you, from both professional and personal experience:

First, someone looking for money will review their options from most convenient to least convenient.  When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail.  But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.

Second, we use the expression in our office that "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working."  It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.

2) Also, they kept promising your kid they would celebrate their birthday.  You need to ask yourself, why I am I letting unreliable people make promises to my child?  Should they even be allowed to talk directly to them?  If they do show up, then you tell your child "Surprise! Grandma and Grandpa are here!"

3) They are still under the assumption that you are waiting on them, on their every move.  You should consider that you can just say to yourself "what you do has no impact on me, and I will not let it impact my children, so do whatever you want."

4) Know your boundaries. Know what you will do for them and what you won't.  Get together once in awhile? Sure.  Take you in because you made poor decisions? No.

5) I completely agree with "no problem" or "no worries" or "thanks for letting me know".

6) Also realize that they are using Passive Agressive techniques...being vague and hoping you will dig further into their issues.  The best way to deal with PA techniques is to take all statements at face value... "Can't make it? Ok"  not "oh no, what is wrong?"
« Last Edit: March 28, 2017, 03:33:30 PM by bopper »
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Fightsong

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2017, 03:28:37 PM »
Yep I agree. 'Ok, thanks for letting me know, I'll let grandchild know! End of. Perfectly acceptable.

Personally I detest the dangling crisis carrot and any  vague euphemisms intended to make you ask , fawn , beg to know, fish for info, and help out in said crisis

They aren't telling or asking you to help . So don't go there. Don't feed. They might be annoyed but Not Your Problem.

Good Luck! Hope grandchild not too disappointed as well.


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AdultChildinthefog

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2017, 04:47:37 PM »
Re: Crisises

1)On etiquettehell.com i saw something insightful:

Quote
I do have two pieces of perspective to reinforce you, from both professional and personal experience:

First, someone looking for money will review their options from most convenient to least convenient.  When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail.  But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.

Second, we use the expression in our office that "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working."  It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.

2) Also, they kept promising your kid they would celebrate their birthday.  You need to ask yourself, why I am I letting unreliable people make promises to my child?  Should they even be allowed to talk directly to them?  If they do show up, then you tell your child "Surprise! Grandma and Grandpa are here!"

3) They are still under the assumption that you are waiting on them, on their every move.  You should consider that you can just say to yourself "what you do has no impact on me, and I will not let it impact my children, so do whatever you want."

4) Know your boundaries. Know what you will do for them and what you won't.  Get together once in awhile? Sure.  Take you in because you made poor decisions? No.

5) I completely agree with "no problem" or "no worries" or "thanks for letting me know".

6) Also realize that they are using Passive Agressive techniques...being vague and hoping you will dig further into their issues.  The best way to deal with PA techniques is to take all statements at face value... "Can't make it? Ok"  not "oh no, what is wrong?"

Thank you.  You are right.  I should not be letting unreliable people make promises to my children.  And I think I will take the advice of making any visit from my parents a "suprise!  Look who showed up" in the future.  My poor daughter kept looking in the mailbox for a birthday card from them that never came.  (as they just sent one to her sibling on their b-day).  So I made the excuse that they were probably going to bring a card since they were coming. 

The passive aggressive comment is so right.  why didn't I see it this way?  Why would someone say they have a "crisis" and then not explain futher?? 

Great advice all around.  Thank you.

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: How to respond to text received today from NF
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2017, 04:54:27 PM »
When communicating with a PD, always set the tone yourself. Keep it civil, moderate and reasonable.

'Thanks for letting me know.'

Thank you, reading the responses makes me feel so foolish.  However it helps to hear from others that it is ok to just respond with "ok thanks for letting me know"  and not going into care taker role.  I feel like I'm always criticized for my actions and my internal compass is so off because of this that I need reassurance.


Please don't feel foolish.   We have been conditioned and it takes effort to untangle ourselves and learn new healthier coping skills.   I'm a people pleaser and medium chill is one of the hardest things I've ever done!   Sometimes what sounds neutral feels mean (but it's not!).  The beauty of it is that we have each other and there are no silly questions, all of them are important!!!    :)