"You'd be really sorry if something really happened."

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Seichan

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2017, 09:12:16 AM »
How perfect for the PDs when they drive their scapegoat children over the edge to suicide. What a "Win-Win" it is for them. It proves they were always right about their defective offspring. They reap tons of sympathy over the death of said child. Yes, no parent should ever have to bury their child...

Yes to that ... and I too have hung on through the darkest times so as not to prove them right about me. It's quite bad enough that I've been in therapy most of my adult life, pre- and post-NC, and have so many challenges. Relationship is the toughest, because I find myself unbearably lonely but afraid most of the time even to talk to people.

I don't know if any of my FOO would seek sympathy if I died by my own hand, as the saying goes. I live a very long way from them and have been NC so long I don't think any one of them cares a damn. I've been debating the idea of 'losing' the couple of extended family I still see very occasionally, who patronise me and regard me with suspicion because they've listened to mother's scapegoating lies.

As to when She Herself goes, which probably isn't much longer, I don't know how I'll react. She crippled me emotionally then she and enF told me to leave home, first listing everything they didn't like about me. Quite an exhaustive list. He's gone now (and no one told me) and I am still grieving, but in his last years he had dementia and I couldn't have contacted him without going through her.

I guess my reaction to She Herself dying doesn't matter, because I have no intention of breaking NC for her when I resisted breaking it for him. There's a lot of unfinished business, things I want to make her accountable for, but she would never accept that anyway. She would lie and deny, or she wouldn't remember, and she'd reference my vivid imagination again. :roll:

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TalenCrowhaven

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2017, 10:18:07 AM »
One of my PD parents died a few years ago. I did not see them in the last months of their life. Not because I refused to see them, but because I was blocked from seeing them in order to "make me sorry", and to be painted as the bad daughter I was. You see, bad daughters deserve what they get. The few times I had made arrangements (took off work & found transportation) to travel to see this PD parent, the other PD parent said it "was not a good time". Surviving PD also refused to let me speak on the phone to dying PD. The surviving PD parent used their caretaking of the dying PD parent as an excuse to become abusive, snarling. There must be some sort of weird Munchhausen by Proxy category for this one. This person was also aided and encouraged by a Flying Monkey sibling, who was seeking to both supplant themselves into the dying PD's family position and get rid of me at the same time. Control and greed were the motivation. Flying Monkey also got a younger sibling, desperate for affection, to drink the toxic Kool-Aid and join in the fun.

After the PD parent died, the remaining PD parent attacked me for not walking all the way to see dying PD. I really wanted to say, "Would barefoot have been good enough? Or would you have preferred on my knees through broken glass?". But, I didn't, I simply said, "Well, take care of yourself", and got off the phone.

The thing that really struck me about the whole situation, was that setting me up to be "sorry" was far more important to these toxic people than the dying PD parent getting to see their daughter one last time, which they clearly indicated they wanted.

Yes. I am sorry. I'm sorry I didn't catch on to this a long time ago and save myself a whole to of wasted time, energy and grief.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 01:50:32 PM by Spring Butterfly »

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Seichan

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2017, 11:38:38 AM »
Yes. I am sorry. I'm sorry I didn't catch on to this a long time ago and save myself a whole to of wasted time, energy and grief.

Me too, Talen.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 01:53:35 PM by Spring Butterfly »

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EnglishLady

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #23 on: April 04, 2017, 10:12:06 AM »
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It brought back to me an old reoccuring dream I used to have.  The dream was that my family walked up on an accident.  When they realized that I had been hit by a car and lying dead on the side of the road, my father simply stated, "Oh, it's just Adria, let's go to McDonalds." Sorry to say, but that's the harsh cold reality of it all.

Thats exactly how my "parents" would act Adria -      "Its only her, nothing to see here, lets move on".    Its a sad reality isnt it we have to face.  People just dont understand our reality.  My "parents" would love the attention though that their false grieving would bring, milking every last tear.   :stars:   :sadno:

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practical

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #24 on: April 04, 2017, 11:20:52 AM »
When uNPD dxbipolar M died, I found myself grieving to my amazement, till I realized with the help of this board I wasn't grieving for her, I was grieving for the mother I never had one more time. What I didn't feel was "sorry" in the sense it was used by your friend to guilt trip you liketheduck. Why not? Because I knew she hadn't changed and so what would have been the point of seeing her again? Nothing meaningful would have been said, no deathbed reunification would have happened, no teary scene and hugs, - I think those are inventions of novelists and the Hallmark channel -, more likely I would have left with some more wounds or old scars ripped open again.

As for uPDf, he has gone NC/ST with me, simply because I asked in the most polite way to be treated with minimal respect, meaning not to be yelled at, not to be used as toxic garbage dump and not to be involved in his drama and especially not as mediator, fixer and rescuer in it. It is a very low bar, he has chosen not to cross it, but is holding me setting it against me, his choice. I'm sad that a person from whom I was supposed to get unconditional love cannot even hew to common standards of courtesy. When he dies I'll feel sorry I never had a real father, and if I have any regrets it will be that I allowed him to treat me this way for far too long by being stuck in the FOG, in my effort to give him one more chance, due to my inability to believe any parent could treat their child this way. There is no chance of a reunion, of making up, it would require submission on my part, taking responsibility for something that isn't mine, giving up my life and that isn't happening.

I think one of the misunderstandings your friend has liketheducks, your M and you aren't equal in this, this isn't about a discussion between two adults as is required to finding a solution, a compromise, this is about you being at fault and her being the victim. You have done everything you can, you have offered her alternatives, but it isn't about the roof over her head, it is about you filling her emotional needs, something else your friend most likely doesn't get, because Non-parents don't expect this from their children.

When something happens to F - he is 85 and has some health issues - it'll most likely be like with M: one last time of grieving for the parent I never had, one more bout of sadness, and then there'll be relief as he cannot add any new injuries.

That your and your FOC's life has gotten better since she is no longer living in your house is a clear indicator it was the right decision. You carry responsibility for your FOC and yourself, and you took this seriously by protecting everybody, your M isn't your responsibility, she is her own.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Adria

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2017, 12:28:20 PM »
Yes, Englishlady,

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  "Its only her, nothing to see here, lets move on".    Its a sad reality isn't it we have to face.  People just don't understand our reality.  My "parents" would love the attention though that their false grieving would bring, milking every last tear.

It's twisted beyond belief.  They would most definitely milk it for all it's worth and get all the sympathy they desire.  It gets so tiring always being the bad guy.

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blues_cruise

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2017, 08:34:58 PM »
As for uPDf, he has gone NC/ST with me, simply because I asked in the most polite way to be treated with minimal respect, meaning not to be yelled at, not to be used as toxic garbage dump and not to be involved in his drama and especially not as mediator, fixer and rescuer in it. It is a very low bar, he has chosen not to cross it, but is holding me setting it against me, his choice. I'm sad that a person from whom I was supposed to get unconditional love cannot even hew to common standards of courtesy. When he dies I'll feel sorry I never had a real father, and if I have any regrets it will be that I allowed him to treat me this way for far too long by being stuck in the FOG, in my effort to give him one more chance, due to my inability to believe any parent could treat their child this way. There is no chance of a reunion, of making up, it would require submission on my part, taking responsibility for something that isn't mine, giving up my life and that isn't happening.

That really sounds similar to where I'm at at the moment. NF cannot bring himself to show any respect for my wishes so has chosen to completely reject me instead. His way or the highway! I could 'fix it' in his eyes by being submissive but for me it would be a massive step backwards and by doing that I would be abandoning myself again, which I'm not prepared to do anymore.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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beingme1969

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2017, 01:20:02 PM »
The "you'll be sorry if something happens" is a form of emotional blackmail.  It's saying that you're required to toe the line just because they're older and therefore "closer" to death.  Let me abuse you - I'll be dead soon!  Literally every person on this planet is going to die someday, that doesn't mean anyone should have to tolerate abuse from someone.  I've never met a PD who didn't think they were the only person on Earth who will die someday, like it'll be a national tragedy.

I wonder if the PDs in our lives ever think about how bad they'll feel when we're gone?  "Uh oh, I better stop abusing this person because I'll be sorry if something happens!"  I can bet they probably don't, because everything is about them.  What's more likely than them wondering if they'll be sorry if something happened to you, is them loving the idea of how guilty you'll feel if something happened to them.  I've met some toxic people who are positively gleeful at the idea of haunting someone from beyond the grave!

Gosh my mum has said this to me in the past about haunting me from the grave.  She has haunted my whole life and still is. 

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beingme1969

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #28 on: April 11, 2017, 01:26:26 PM »
I wonder if the PDs in our lives ever think about how bad they'll feel when we're gone?  "Uh oh, I better stop abusing this person because I'll be sorry if something happens!"  I can bet they probably don't, because everything is about them.  What's more likely than them wondering if they'll be sorry if something happened to you, is them loving the idea of how guilty you'll feel if something happened to them.  I've met some toxic people who are positively gleeful at the idea of haunting someone from beyond the grave!
My mom, well, in the short run would be sad I was gone.  But, in the long run - she'd be milking all the pity and attention she could drain from everyone!  She'd have fuel to live for the rest of her life!  It would be a major win.  'Course, they would all talk about how I deserved it, how God's will came true (while quoting all the applicable Bible verses), my dad would write sermons about how I got what I had coming to me, my KKK brother would laugh his nasally, evil, high pitched laugh and order a keg for everyone to celebrate my demise, all the while talking about which of his AK-47's, or oozies (spelling?) would have shot through my head to create the best splatter pattern...  And, everyone would think this behavior is perfectly normal and exactly how my death should be celebrated.

I hope you are okay.  I just wanted to give you a hug x

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #29 on: April 13, 2017, 01:08:30 AM »
I wonder if the PDs in our lives ever think about how bad they'll feel when we're gone?  "Uh oh, I better stop abusing this person because I'll be sorry if something happens!"  I can bet they probably don't, because everything is about them.  What's more likely than them wondering if they'll be sorry if something happened to you, is them loving the idea of how guilty you'll feel if something happened to them.  I've met some toxic people who are positively gleeful at the idea of haunting someone from beyond the grave!
My mom, well, in the short run would be sad I was gone.  But, in the long run - she'd be milking all the pity and attention she could drain from everyone!  She'd have fuel to live for the rest of her life!  It would be a major win.  'Course, they would all talk about how I deserved it, how God's will came true (while quoting all the applicable Bible verses), my dad would write sermons about how I got what I had coming to me, my KKK brother would laugh his nasally, evil, high pitched laugh and order a keg for everyone to celebrate my demise, all the while talking about which of his AK-47's, or oozies (spelling?) would have shot through my head to create the best splatter pattern...  And, everyone would think this behavior is perfectly normal and exactly how my death should be celebrated.

I hope you are okay.  I just wanted to give you a hug x
Thanks BeingMe.  I'm okay...  or, will be.  Just a bad day in Chemistry class.  Forgot the P section valence electrons rules on the bonding exam.  Just lucky I went No Contact with my PD family when I did because I sure wouldn't have the strength to do so now.  Hug back to you.  Thanks again.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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snoflinga

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Re: "You'd be really sorry if something really happened."
« Reply #30 on: April 13, 2017, 02:19:44 AM »
Friend, my mother died unexpectedly a week or so ago. We had been NC for over a year. The worst happened, and I was not sorry.

I think it's sad that a condition like PD caused so much strain and grief in our family, but I do not for a minute regret protecting myself. Even if she's dead.

Neither should you.